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Luuk had it under control, much like his control over Ichor he had learned how to control the creeping vine of that golden blood from choking him to his inevitable death. He learned how to control his longing for a traveler too far from him, yet promised to come back even for a visit. He had it under control, because he had no choice but to.
Not that he minded, not at first yes, but he learned to live with it much like with every hurdle he had to cross.
Now seeing the man who saved him so-and-so years ago, in front of him in the flesh, looking like a curious cat, Luuk doesn’t know how to feel other than controlling the ichor in his body. So he acts. Acts casual, acts as he should as a school doctor, testing the waters.
“... A bloom bearer of the Black Shores, brought in by recommendation? Quite the… interesting entrance.” Luuk reads off the patient chart in his hands, stopping himself from staring at those familiar golden hues and yearning for them to gaze at him warmly.
He keeps the disappointment at bay when those eyes look up to him as one would to a doctor, with polite curiosity, not with the familiarity of the man who was by Luuk’s side for his worst days. It breaks something inside Luuk, something small but significant for the doctor.
“I’m Luuk Herssen, the attending doctor here at the infirmary.” Luuk introduces himself warmly, with a smile to match. “Most students call me Dr. Herssen, but… if you prefer to call me Dr. Luuk, or simply just Luuk, that’s fine too.”
A bait. But also an offering. And yet…
“Nice to meet you, Dr. Herssen.” Those eyes held no familiarity, yet were still as warm as he remembered them— or dare Luuk say: they were warmer, lighter.
Seeing the man that was the source of his ailment standing before him and not remembering him? Luuk almost choked on his own blood. Almost.
He didn’t make it known to both patient and his companion, doing his work as he always does, almost acting on autopilot as he did. All Luuk’s focus was to keep the growing vines down his throat just well enough to contain and to keep talking like nothing was happening.
Calling him freshman was another bait, welcoming him back was an impulse he didn’t manage to catch in time.
After that meeting Luuk excused himself to his office in an excuse to get equipment for his call, closed the blinds after waving at some passing students, and there he coughed. Hard. Specks of golden blood flow from his mouth, some in its liquid state and some in a form of shimmering golden petals.
It’s been years since he had seen those familiar petals, years since he had managed to control his feelings. Luuk wasn’t sure how to feel seeing them again with the familiar sensation of vines starting to once again crawl up his throat, threatening to choke him.
Luuk takes a deep breath and breathes. Controlling Ichor is easier for him now than before, he wills those vines to crawl back, to go back into its liquid state making breathing easy again.
Why now? He wants to ask the flowers.
Why now? He wants to ask the man, the freshman, in this school. Why haven’t you contacted me?
It all too bittersweet this reunion of theirs. Not just because of Rover not remembering him but also because now Luuk is going to be reminded almost constantly of his emotions and the beholder of those emotions. All that control he managed to wrangle was almost gone the moment those eyes looked at him again and again.
Almost. But he will control the flowers like he controls Ichor. Of course he will.
The golden flower on his desk twinkled at him like a promise.
The blossoms bloomed right after Rover left. As a doctor he already knew what was happening to him without even further questioning. A petal coming out from his throat? It was already telling. He had read too many reports about this mysterious disease to even wonder.
It was funny, Luuk would say if you’d ask him what he thought.
It was funny to him because why would the Ichor, the universal cure for any diseases (or so he is told), do something as cliche and contradictory like mimicking the disease Hanahaki. The Ichor that was supposed to be a universal antidote, made to heal not to mimic or be the illness. Ironic, that’s the right word. Why was the Ichor being ironic?
Luuk wondered why at first, since hanahaki was something that was not blood-related, not hereditary. It is the culmination of suppressed feelings manifested as blooms, natural flowers. Having the so-called universal drug in his veins should have made him immune to it. He shouldn’t be able to have vines growing in him.
Turns out Ichor has its ways of making the impossible possible. That’s what Luuk hypothesized.
Next he wondered why he is having it now out of all times. Now that the man who saved him is gone, off on his own mission, leaving Luuk in Lahai-Roi with a mission of his own. Why would he start coughing out petals when he was saved?
Luuk didn’t ponder long why. He didn’t need to even.
The golden petal looks back at him, a bright color in his otherwise monochrome world. Like those eyes.
It was already so obvious after all. Luuk could laugh at the absurdity of it rather than the absurdity of having Hanahaki despite his situation.
His laugh became choked when a full flower was coughed out of his throat, surprisingly intact and shimmering gold. A bell-shaped golden-yellow flower with four petals.
Already in full bloom? Luuk would find it weird if he didn’t know why.
He later found out the flower’s name and couldn’t really get himself to hate it.
That same flower still watches him from his office desk, waiting with him.
It honestly came as a surprise to Luuk that Rover went to him out of anyone to tell about the possible danger that was about to happen.
It made Luuk’s heart soar, to be needed again, to be helping Rover again. Luuk ignores the creeping vine that threatens to climb up his throat for that fact.
“And what do you need from a school doctor like me? Or… should I say, why come to me at all?” Luuk asks, too innocently to be a genuine concern.
And Rover picked up on it, blunt yet trusting of Luuk with the deductions he had made. It was good to know that Rover was still the same as before, just lighter. He deserves that look, unburdened. Unlike his past self.
There was no hesitation from Luuk to help Rover in his mission, he never really needed to hesitate helping him. Luuk just wants to.
A new bloom joined the ones in his workshop right after.
Rover is indeed as he always was. Saving the world, saving nations, helping nations because he can.
The immovable pillar that is the Lord Arbiter. Dwelling on those thoughts often make Luuk cough lightly, thankfully no petals coming out.
But when Rover went to him about the Exostrider plan he couldn’t help but notice how those golden eyes were the same shade as some of the petals he had in his workshop. Particularly ones on his earlier stages of hanahaki.
Dull. Hurt. Yet still blazing.
Luuk could see the familiar blaze in those golden eyes, one so hot and blazing that it threatened to burn everything in its way to get what he wanted.
It’s an unfamiliar expression in Rover’s face, but one so intimately familiar to Luuk.
The despair of losing his beloved daughter and knowing the enemy they’re facing was possibly the reason why he had to lose his daughter in the first place, a dangerous combination resulting in the need of vengeance so bright Luuk knows he had to temper it before it goes out of control.
So when his hand touches Rover’s shoulder, suggesting they take a walk around the frostlands, Luuk ignores the simmering heat of the gold ichor threatening to bubble up his throat while Rover opens up to him.
After making sure Rover was alright for the most part and escorting him back to his dorm Luuk separated ways with him, feeling the bubbling ichor up his throat threatening to bloom flowers.
The candy Luuk always has helped two people that day. The sweetness helped keep both the numbness at bay and mask the bitter iron of ichor down his throat.
“What flower is this?”
Luuk looks up from his reports just in time to see Rover standing by his desk, gently tracing the shape of the flower that has resided on his desk ever since it… appeared.
“Got your attention, golden boy?” Luuk teases, putting the report down to stand beside Rover, looking at the flower himself. “That’s a forsythia. I heard it blooms in early spring, which is why it is considered as the herald of spring.”
“I didn’t think you’d be into botany.”
“... Am I not?”
Rover looks at Luuk with an eyebrow raised, the side of his lip twitched upward in amusement. It makes Luuk chuckle, ignoring the bubbling feeling of ichor in his chest.
“I’m not much of a botanist.” Luuk admitted, picking up the flower gently with his pointer finger and thumb. “But I heard flowers are good decor to make a room more… inviting.”
“But only having one flower?” Rover points out, a hand on his hip and looking at Luuk questioningly.
“I can only see one color, remember?” Luuk raised the flower gently. “It’s a nice pop of color.”
“It is.” Rover nods, his eyes back at the flower. “Reminds me of a thing Chisa told me.”
“Oh? Is it anything related to flowers?”
Rover nods. “It’s called ‘hanakotoba’. The language of flowers.”
Luuk knew of that, he had read about it when he searched about the flower in his hands. “That sounds romantic, flowers having its own language.”
“I’m wondering what this flower means.” Rover’s hand went to his chin, his thinking pose as Luuk likes to call it. “I mean. It could be just ‘herald of spring’ like you said. It looks like it too.”
Oh if you knew the meaning you’d know why this flower is here. Luuk thinks to himself, smiling innocently at Rover. If you knew the meaning, I’ll be busted.
“Too bad I’m not adept in hanakotoba.” Luuk shrugs, putting down the flower in its original place.
A lie. He knows the meaning after all. Rover is right with it being the herald of spring, but there is more meaning to the flower than that.
Anticipation. New beginnings. The fostering feelings of hope, optimism, and admiration.
It sounded appropriate, it was like a promise. It sounded like the same promise his savior made to him.
Luuk's smile turns bitter for a moment, that familiar bubbling feeling pushed down, before he faces Rover, his smile back to its innocent sweetness.
“So about that waffle thief—”
It was getting harder to manage the hanahaki.
With more time spent with Rover the flowers were threatening to bloom at full force with each hour of the day. Each time Luuk tried to keep it down, act as normal and make sure Rover was okay, yet each time he had to quickly excuse himself and cough up a handful of blooms just to be able to breathe properly.
His control is slipping. It wasn’t good for Luuk. If he couldn’t control his hanahaki, induced by the ichor, then what time until he couldn’t control ichor itself.
“Luuk, are you okay?” Rover asks one day over a plate of waffles Luuk specifically made for them.
Luuk hummed, masking the bubbling of ichor down his throat. “I’m perfectly fine, don’t worry. How are the waffles? Is it to your liking?”
Deflect. Change subject.
Rover looked at him, unconvinced, but played along anyways. “It’s a bit more tart than the last one.”
“Oh? Perhaps I may have used too much lemon juice this time around, or was it the lemon zest…”
“It’s fine for the most part. I like it either way.”
“High compliments from the golden boy.”
Luuk smiles so easily, ignoring the tickle of a bloom wanting to come out. Not now.
Conversation flowed as smoothly as it usually does, with Rover’s schoolwork and the gossip Luuk gets from passing students there was little to no dead air that surrounded Luuk’s office.
Though Rover kept looking at him. Luuk knows why but Luuk knows he can’t let Rover know why he’s acting the way he is acting now.
Those stares aren’t helping him though. In fact he almost coughed out a bloom when Rover spoke of his joyride with Lynae the other day.
“Ah, apologies Rover but I think I’m being called.” Luuk excuses himself with an apologetic smile, collecting their empty plates to be washed later, if Luuk manages to anyway. “I’m sorry I have to cut our meeting short but we can share more stories over some waffles some other time.”
“No worries.” Rover shakes off Luuk’s apologies, smiling at him. But that smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You are the attending doctor here.”
Luuk lets out a chuckle at that, agreeing for the sake of agreeing.
He waved goodbye to the golden boy he didn’t want to leave, making a brisk walk to a secluded place to cough out some blooms before stuffing them into his coat pocket.
If Luuk looked back, he would’ve seen Rover’s shoulder sag and his mouth twitch into a frown.
Luuk woke up to his throat closing in on itself.
Harsh coughs echoed in the workshop as Luuk coughs out flower after flower, feeling the ichor morphing and forming into those familiar flowers and vines.
Perhaps keeping in the flowers was doing more harm than good for his own sake. But what else could Luuk do when everything else was at stake? He didn’t want to sit anything out, they were finally getting ahead on the plan the past Rover had told him years ago. He couldn’t back out now. He doesn’t want to back out now.
But these damn flowers were not stopping.
Luuk feels both hot and cold at the same time with each cough out of his mouth, vision blurry with the intensity of each bloom escaping him.
Why now? Why is it like this?
Luuk could only focus on freeing his airways with each cough and each bloom scattering in his floor.
Sentinels, I’d have to clean this up just in case. Luuk thought as a bloom fell down to the gold stained floor.
He didn’t know how long he stayed there on the floor— when had he actually rolled over to the floor… it doesn’t matter— Luuk just wants the flowers to obey him, to stop blooming just enough to be functional.
There are things to be done, work to review. Calm down, Luuk. Control the flowers like how you control Ichor—
“Luuk?”
Luuk felt his blood, always burning hot, always scorching, freeze at the voice.
Dammit. Not now. Don’t come closer, please—
Footsteps echo around the workshop, slow and careful. Rover took the time to come to this small workshop to look for Luuk, and he knew it would happen sooner than later but… not like this—
“Rover—” his words got caught with a harsh cough, sending Luuk to his knees as he covered his mouth to muffle the harsh cough.
He could feel the burning gold through his gloves, felt it creep up his throat and manifest into the golden flowers he tries so hard to swallow down. Again and again.
Rapid footsteps echoed and before Luuk knew it Rover was kneeling down right beside him with a hand on his back, watching him as he coughs and coughs with concerned golden eyes.
He knows Rover now sees what he’s been hiding from him, no doubt could see specks of gold dusting the floor, sizzling away with heat, along with gold petals and full blooms.
Luuk knows this disease won’t kill him. Unlike all others afflicted with this unfortunate disease he is the unlucky one to be able to live despite having it, always choking on the manifestation of his feelings, forced to push down his feelings. Surgery won’t help him, he cannot kill these feelings even if it erodes his body from the inside out.
He cares too much and feels too much that it was alright with him suffering a love unrequited, if only to be able to stay beside Rover.
But Rover looking at him with that concerned look? One that screams pain and betrayal? That might as well end Luuk instead.
“All those times you suddenly excuse yourself, all those times you avoided me…” Rover murmurs, a hand on his shoulders to steady him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He’s still pushing down the urge to cough, to not show any more to Rover.
Why indeed did he not tell him? As Luuk’s closest confidant— or hell even friend! Why did he not tell Rover? Why didn’t Luuk tell Rover that he has hanahaki, when he is partly the reason why he is afflicted with hanahaki?
There were many things. Rover’s mission, the way he is always on the move, Luuk did not want to add more on Rover’s burdens, to make the man worry for him more. Wasn’t that one of the reasons Rover sent Luuk to Lahai-Roi? Not only to monitor the Fractsidus’ movement in the area but to get him into a new place where not everything was high stakes? There was also the way Luuk was before, before Rover left, before Luuk realized that he has hanahaki, before Luuk’s heart sank with the knowledge that it might be the last time Luuk would see the golden eyed wanderer.
Luuk opened his mouth yet no words came, only the aborted noises of a cough. It wouldn’t be good to cough out in front of Rover after all.
Silence blanketed the room for a moment, giving Luuk the time to compose himself, to ignore the burning sensation in his throat and control the Ichor properly. He still couldn’t look at Rover directly, only staring at his shoulders at best and nothing at worst.
“I…” Luuk swallowed, hoping to ease the roughness of his voice. “I apologize, Rover. It won’t happen again.”
He’ll make sure of it. He didn’t have to burden Rover with this. Never.
Yet Rover shook his head, his grip on Luuk’s shoulders tightening.
“Don’t apologize. That…” River’s voice cracked just a bit, emotions filled to the brim. “That's not something you should apologize for.”
There’s a certain crack in Rover’s voice, something vulnerable and raw that comes from a realization that was too big for such a simple matter.
Silence once again blanketed over them, both unsure of what to say, and truly what could they say? What could Luuk say?
I’m sorry?
This is temporary?
This won’t happen again?
Why?
Luuk would’ve filled in the silence like he usually does. Make the situation light, assure Rover that he’s alright and he’s in no danger, ask why he’s there in the workshop, so on and so forth. But with Rover’s hand on his back, with him being so close to him, it takes all of his energy to just not cough up blood and flowers.
“... Since when…?”
Oh what a question that was. Luuk doesn’t even know if he could answer it so Luuk opted to just take his time pushing down the flowers threatening to bubble up again and breathe.
It was hard to do unlike all the times he had to push down the flowers when Rover’s hand (hesitantly as it was) was rubbing at his back in his attempts to help Luuk through the coughing fit, with Luuk refusing to cough out more of the blooms and in turn more of his blood.
“Do…” Rover started, his hand stopping at its movements. A moment of silence passed, Rover thinking and mulling on what to say.
Somehow Luuk could hear it all the same.
Do I need to go?
Is this why you’ve been hiding?
Do you need me here?
Luuk took a deep breath, finally feeling the vines and flowers ebb away from his chest just enough to compose himself. Straighten his back, wipe away the remaining blood from his lips, try oh-so-desperately-hard to not miss how Rover’s hand was warm on his back as he stood up shakily.
“I apologize for that.” Luuk spoke, throat scratchy and sore.
Rover shakes his head, his hand falling back to his side. “You’re…”
“I’m fine, Rover.” Luuk immediately assures him, smiling that same usual smile like he hadn’t coughed out enough flowers to form a flower field around them. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Yet Rover still looks at him with that concerned look, eyes scanning his face for any discomfort, his lips downturned in a frown. Luuk watches as Rover begins to worry his lips, contemplating.
Before Luuk could reassure Rover again (and again, and again, as many and as long as it takes), Rover wraps his arms around Luuk’s waist, pulling him closer that even with the difference of their heights it felt like Luuk was being cradled into Rover’s arms. Hidden, protected.
“Luuk…” Rover’s voice is soft, strained, his hands trembling in their hold on Luuk’s coat like Luuk could vanish if he lets go. “Isn’t it… painful…? Why are you subjecting yourself to this?”
Luuk didn’t speak, too shocked at Rover’s action, his hand hovering over Rover’s back unsure if he had any rights to do so. The question is too loaded, too heavy for Luuk, but he knows he can’t keep Rover in the dark for too long, it was going to be revealed one way or another.
“Why, indeed.” Luuk mumbles, voice hoarse from all his contained coughing. Finally he lets his hand fall on Rover’s back, rubbing his thumb in soothing motions in apology. “It’s not normal hanahaki. It’s something that Ichor manifested so normal surgical procedures can’t be applied to me. I can control it, it won’t kill me.” I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.
“But you’ve been suffering for so long!” Rover looks up at Luuk, eyes ablaze with something Luuk can’t place. “If this has been going on since I left… even then…?! Why would you—?!”
“Even if I did want to remove these flowers you’d need to drain me off of Ichor.” And I don’t want to. Not be drained of Ichor, per say, but I don’t want to be removed of these feelings.
Rover looked at him for a moment, most definitely analyzing his words like always, finding the underlining unspoken words under his own spoken ones. Old habits die hard but it’s one that Luuk finds both a convenience and inconvenience.
Luuk watches Rover open his mouth before closing it, deflated, unable to say anything.
He doesn’t know if he’ll call this a losing battle or just an unfortunate circumstance that revealed itself after so many years.
“It’s not your fault.” said Luuk, looking at Rover determinedly. He’s not about to let Rover stew over that thought, not when he’s telling the truth.
“But those flowers—”
“Are because of my feelings.”
And Luuk needs Rover to understand that. Because it’s not his fault, it never was. It was the fault of his ever-feeling heart why he has hanahaki in the first place. Not Rover. It was just because of Luuk.
“You don’t have to reciprocate.” Luuk assures Rover, smiling that same small smile reserved for the golden boy. “I know my chances. I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want.”
Rover was about to refute when Luuk continued, moving himself away from Rover’s space with that same easy smile. “Plus, we have more pressing matters that need addressing. I already contacted Lucilla about piloting the Exostrider on your behalf but—”
“Just stop it Luuk.”
Luuk froze in his place, breath caught in his throat. He doesn’t dare turn around and look at Rover, he already knows what expression the man will have in his face, he doesn’t want to see it aimed at him.
“You always…” Rover trailed off, taking deep heavy breaths. Luuk still didn’t dare turn around. “You always put others over yourself.”
“Luuk. You’re a doctor. You should know how important lives are but… here you are coughing out flowers and still not addressing it.”
Many people have died of keeping their feelings to themselves. Not wanting to do the surgery of removing those feelings because they love too much. Some call those people fools. Who would risk their life to protect or even keep a love that was obviously killing them?
Luuk is one of those fools, he can admit that. But Luuk’s position is different.
His Hanahaki is from ichor. His own blood. Normal procedures can’t be done to him. So it was either he let the ichor win or he learn how to control it. Or he confesses to the object of his flowers, but that route is a path Luuk cannot be certain about.
“Look at me, Luuk.” It was soft, almost broken, almost silent, yet it demanded Luuk’s attention and it demanded Luuk to obey, even so softly.
So he did. Luuk turned around, keeping his face passive, ready to face Rover’s anger head on.
It wasn’t anger that greeted him.
It was the face of a man who was disappointed, but also hurting from… his decision. Luuk’s decision. Luuk’s decision hurt Rover.
“Would you really rather you keep your feelings to yourself when you urged me to do the same?”
“Rover—”
“I looked it up.”
“W-What?”
Rover looks away, looking down at the flowers around them, Luuk’s own personal garden.
“Forsythia. I know what they mean.”
Ah. He got caught. “... I knew you would.”
Rover is a curious guy after all. It’s not out of the realm of possibilities that Rover would look for the meaning of the flower that never left his office, seeing it everyday, glittering under the helios’ light.
“Luuk.” Rover looks back at him, his eyes now sharp and determined. “I… I might not be the same person you were waiting for but… you don’t have to hide from me. You don’t have to hide this from me. We’re partners after all, right?”
Rover takes a few steps closer to Luuk, taking his hand gently into his own. The vines bubble up Luuk’s throat but… it just stops there.
“You should’ve told me sooner.” Rover scoffs, a little bitter, his thumb brushing at the back of Luuk’s trembling ones. “I… I don’t want you suffering like this.”
“I… w-what…?” Luuk is lost right now, his mind is spinning.
Should’ve told Rover sooner? Why would he—
“You’ve said that your hanahaki is not normal so it can’t be removed by normal means. But if it’s still hanahaki then, then my feelings should help you, right?”
“Rover. You don’t have to force yourself—” That is the last thing I wanted.
“I’m not.” Rover’s hand tightens. “I’ve been thinking about it. Ever since you started to avoid me. You were avoiding me because you were coughing out flowers so much, right?”
Luuk nodded, words dying on his throat.
“Those times… it hurts. It hurts because you were avoiding me, and it hurts more because I know you were hiding something from me, hiding this. And…”
Rover takes a deep breath before kneeling down to the ground, taking a bloom of forsythia in his hand and places it in Luuk’s hand. “You do have a chance. W-With me.”
The fostering feelings of hope. A new beginning.
“I know we still have things to do. We have to protect Lahai-Roi from the voidmatter, stop the Fractsidus from doing harm. But… thinking of that, with you by my side… makes the weight of it lighter.”
The smile Rover gave, such a small, precious, and delicate thing, however wobbly it was, was enough for Luuk’s heart to ache, not in the bad way, not like vines wrapping itself around it and squeezing it tight. A light, warm thing.
Like the light of the new dawn.
“I don’t know if this will help with your hanahaki. But I want to try.”
Luuk looks at Rover, those determined golden eyes looking at his own red ones, and he feels that warmth melt away whatever searing heat the ichor left in his throat, in his body.
“Would you let me…?” Rover asks, shy yet hopeful.
And Luuk, like resurfacing from that cold water’s grasp, breathes the fresh air of a new life.
“If it's you, I am more than willing.”
It’s not the end-all ending Luuk expected, not the grand confession those romance books often depict with hanahaki, but as he feels the ichor calming down, the blooms shrinking and just barely simmering, he thinks…
With Rover by his side, accepting him, holding his hand. Luuk thinks he’ll be alright.