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Whack! My character fell
My computer went screen red. The usual tint taunting me with new vigour as it told me what I dreaded knowing.
I stare at the screen. Despondent.
He Killed me
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. I'm not sure. I stare.
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare
I stare.
I see
My brain running on nothing but pure adrenaline Food, water, sleep all forgotten finally catches up.
I hear the loud cracks outside of my dorm window, the fireworks that'd started the moment my character was shoved, beams of false hope that I refused to acknowledge, that signalled the beginning of something I'd lost all hope for.
The mesmerizing inky skies now flashed a million colours -lighting up my room, as I slowly break. So, so many would be celebrating a new start, filled with hope, starting the year as they wish to go on. As it will go on.
And here I am. And here I am. And here I am.
Sitting alone in my room, away from my few friends and all of my family. Having just lost him played 15 hours of Minecraft searching for a man I'd never met.
A man I met for but a moment before he was torn away, before he pushed me down. Starting the year with tears dripping down my face in silent mourning as my brain fails to catch up.
no… no.
nononononono nooononononononono. Why did he do that. How could he- How could he. How could he. How could he. How could he. How could he. How could he. How could he. Why did he stop me. No no no no- he can’t have- He didn’t- he can’t be gone. He can’t be! I refuse- I don’t- can’t-
BANG
The light shines brighter.
No- I.
Why do I get to live? Life will be nothing but an endless chore after this, how could I possibly just go on?
ME. me me me me me.
Me, the one he is dying for. Will die for What makes me more deserving. Why did Derek believe that I was the one with life left to live? I'm weak- Your family constantly forgets you- your few friends didn’t even think to check on you when you didn’t do your usual new years eve posts and specials- nor did you contact any of them. You are alone
I swallow. Hard
I- I’m pathetic! Stupid, brainless, forgettable, too emotional, useless useless I couldn’t even make him let me stay. I couldn’t make him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even do that. I can’t do anything right. I can’t I can’t I can’t.
Always I can’t. Always I tried. Always just not good enough. Not memorable enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not skilled enough, not special enough, not good enough. Just not enough. Just- Never enough. Never enough. Not enough for my family. Not enough for my friends. Not enough for the universe. But especially.
Not enough for him
My head pounds, my heart aches- my throat is burning, sore and dry as a desert I’ve cried so much I think I’m dangerously dehydrated. Stupid book. Stupid church.
Stupid Avery
I feel unwell- physically, mentally? -I can’t tell. Is there even a difference at this point?
I spent so long searching for him- You spent three hours searching for him. The other 10 or so were spent wallowing in your own self-hatred and pity for people who couldn’t care less. Falling for the same tricks you always do. Pathetic.
He spoke to me with a warmth and kindness more than I have ever known. He knew me.
He knew me.
HE knew me
he knew me
he knew me
he knew me
he knew me
he KNEW me
Better than anyone does. Even yourself
It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know him. Not yet. I could learn! I could learn!He doesn’t have to die! I met him, just met him. And yet my soul felt complete, as if there'd been a wide hole somewhere I couldn't quite see this whole time that was finally filled.
Empty until now, an empty cup just waiting to feel the water's cool but welcome embrace. Finally feels the brisk cold of water on it's edge, but that is all it gets.
for the hole was then cracked and opened far further than healthy the moment we were brought apart. It now feels like there's a gaping wound somewhere- everywhere on my body, a wound that needs to be filled. filled by love, affection, care, adoration.
Affection I will never get. Never get enough of.
Not without.
Not without him.
He can’t-
BANG.
My room is flooded with red light.
And I fell for such a stupid trick. ‘open your inventory Avery’ he says while you stand on the edge of a pit of pure black after he threatened to kill you I’m so fucking dumb!
That’s like- the most basic of all the tricks he could’ve pulled! (You trust him)
Why- there had to be SOMETHING I could’ve done.can do SOMETHING- anything.
But you didn’t. And now. he’s gone.
you can’t
The red screen mocks me. YOU DIED!
No respawn button.
As if I hadn't already respawned once, as if I was the one who couldn't come back from this.
I clench my hands so tightly I draw crescents of blood on my palms. drip, drip, drip
I raise them and bury them in my hair. Tugging so hard the pain almost cut off any coherent train of thought.
No I didn’t. But someone did.
My tears spill over, my throat closing up as I sob. What can I do? PLEASE? What can I DO?
N O T H I N G…
You can do nothing. Useless. Stupid. Avery.
Useless Avery who can DO NOTHING
”WHY?” I said? thought? The word slurred and choked as my throat closes up and my tears meet my tongue. Salt. Salt. Salt takes over my senses. The pain of the dry, crackly lump in my throat, the pounding headache and the building pressure behind my eyes
and all over my body. Weighing me down
The rapid drum of my accelerated heartbeat as it claws like a wild animal at the inside of my chest. Tearing me apart from the inside out with it’s increasingly unsteady rhythm. My breathing ragged, uneven- shallow and quick -my head gets worse as the oxygen fails to reach it.
The gaping hole in my very being aches, aches for what it has lost after it's first and only touch. Two souls, brushing against each other, completing the other, the pain of separation felt like losing a limb I didn't know I had. Let alone needed.
One I don't know how to live without.
The world fades into the background as my room is flooded with red light once more, bloody and beautiful, reflecting dangerously off of every shiny surface in a myriad of pain and sorrow. I no longer see it or feel it, I am not there,
I am here, I am here, I am here,
And he will never be.
D3rlord, Derek. A person. A person. A person smarter, more talented, better than me. better, better, better, better, better. Knew me. With every tear and rip in my soul. Every flaw, every misshapen piece.
He knew it all- saw it all. Mistake, mistake mistake
And- and…
I swallow again, choking, there's nothing left to swallow.
-and.. he adored me for it. I could hear it in his voice- the way he addressed me, the way he fought so hard to let me live.
He left those signs -I’m sure of it- pulled me out of the depressive trance -repenting for your sins- I’d gone into.
You are real, you are special. Remember who you are
I cry harder in remembrance of the words. My tears thick, hot and heavy as they pour down my face. Dripping down onto the base of my neck, they reflect the red light once more shining throughout my room, looking almost like drops of blood as they sit, slowly soaking into my skin.
He knew, he knew, he knew. And he cared, and he liked, and he thought. He thought he thought.
he thought I was worth it.
I was worth it.
The pain, the sorrow the end all of it.
Worth it.
And now, he. He who was happiness. He who was here. He who was apart of me. He who understood…
Was gone before I had the chance to know him.
The chance to know what it would be to truly lose him.
Goodbye, my friend.