Chapter Text
I could decide that it is all too much for me.
That the weight on my shoulders is making them ache more each day.
I could look outside the window and decide that this world inhabits nothing for me.
That nowhere I will find something worth staying for.
I could watch the setting sun and decide that I want to go out like that.
Dying by falling, engulfed in fire.
I know a place where death is nearly certified the moment you arrive.
Even while your heart may still be beating strong.
I know how it feels to fall.
Yet I don’t know how it feels to land.
Maybe the impact would shatter enough bones in my body for death to take me quickly.
Maybe I would have to lay there.
Slowly bleeding through my clothes, while I ache everywhere.
I wonder if I would hate my choice.
People would find me soon after the dead welcome me.
They would have to run some tests to identify me.
I would have it done during sunset.
Lying that I would meet up with friends.
My parents would get the call.
My father would drive.
Faster then ever.
My mother shaking too much for it.
My sister would stay with my grandma.
But I think she would feel it, the moment her shield broke.
The officers would be trying to explain to my parents.
But their ears wouldn’t work.
Blood rushing far too loud through their veins.
My mother would only believe it when seeing my body.
I cannot imagine the tears that would fall.
I cannot imagine if she would scream like in the movies.
I cannot imagine how my father would react.
Maybe standing tall and rigid in the doorway.
Maybe trying to comfort my mother.
I think my sister wouldn’t understand.
Just like my parents.
My friends on the other hand wouldn’t even blink a second time.
It was a matter of time for them.
The builder would collapse. Never recovering from me leaving.
The singer would crash out. Having received the best inspiration for a new song.
The believer would beg God for an answer. Trust shattered under the reality of life.
The other ones, I didn’t dare think of as friends, would turn cold.
The ones I was no friends with anymore would maybe regret the past.
My bully would rejoice.
The bitches I hate wouldn’t care.
My teachers would not pay my death any mind.
My family would have to pretend to be one for the sake of the funeral.
I wonder if they would be embarrassed.
Me killing myself when I didn’t have any reason for it.
Or if they would finally understand that laziness and heaviness can be symptoms of a far more dangerous illness than they thought.
Maybe all the times I showed some sort of weakness they had put aside.
Because I was definitely just too sensitive.
Not depressed.
Sensitive…
Graduation would roll over without me.
I wonder if they would say something.
I doubt it.
All the plans for our last summer still active.
But with one less life.
Suddenly I would get the attention that could’ve saved me surely.
My parents would rage and scream and accuse each other.
My sister would weep alone in her room.
Slowly losing her mind over school.
I would take away from her.
As for all my friends.
My sister would lose her shield and sword.
The builder would lose the one who promise to stay when everyone left.
The singer would lose the talks about songs and poems.
The believer would lose the antithesis.
I would debrief my friends on this matter.
I would rip myself from them even though they always paid mind to my thoughts.
I would rip myself from this world.