Work Text:
i've taught myself to embrace death from the young age.
unlearning something like that can be pretty difficult.
i relied on my suicide for years and years.
nothing matters.
i can just kill myself this time.
well i'm really bad at it.
none of my feeble attempts ever stick.
...i was 10 and i was planning my own demise.
i can't handle change so i thought i should die.
but i've always been a coward.
i've lived to see 11.
the knife was sharp enough,
but my stupid hands were shaking.
i've always been a coward.
it's gotten pretty bad at 12.
when your whole social life is school
and everybody hates you,
it feels like your whole life is ruined.
it too shall pass,
but i saw no other exit
except for the sharpener razor.
except for my window, later.
but i could only look down.
for i am a coward.
13 was the worst so far,
from then it would become only worse and worse
with each passing year
i learned im a failure
of a human being,
i am defective,
i needed to go.
...but i survived another year,
i turned 14,
things seemed to be improving,
i found love and i found a friend.
but good luck cannot keep on going,
bad things were bound to happen, —
i don't. ever. get better.
i almost succeeded to kill myself that summer.
but i've always been a coward.
i landed on the floor by the window,
sobbing quietly, no need to hear me;
i was okay on the surface.
deep down, i plotted my murder.
i don't remember when i was 15,
(thanks to alcohol i mixed with my memory)
but things were changing again
and there was only one thing
i could always rely on,
i could always run back to...
...when i was 16 i knew i was trapped.
and i knew that my knowledge was real.
to free myself from this jail
i obviously had to kill
somebody else, then myself.
those were the rules.
i once again failed.
the vertex of my redemption arc
has landed me in rotten comfort,
the only thing to fall back onto —
i have to die.
this time, an honor.
i lived again,
i'm an adult.
it's now a shame
to admit to being suicidal.
though nobody took my words seriously when i was a kid;
my brain is malfunctioning, my logic is flawed,
i am defective.
now i have to live.
no problem is the end of the world anymore,
i've been through worse, i'll get out of this as well,
on the other side, i will surely emerge victorious.
i have survived ten dark and cold years
with nothing but my spine
holding me up,
i will have to survive ten more.
there's nothing left to fall back on,
i can't just kill myself this time.
full of pity and shame,
i will have to survive.