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Haewon has known Lily for a long time. So much so that, even in her intoxicated state, she knows who's at her door just from the rhythm of the knock.
It's barely there, something that could only be noticed by someone as far gone as Haewon. She hears it with her back turned, and her heart jumps to follow its subtle cadence, a gentle waterfall of sound that has her pulse stuttering with muscle memory. Overpowering the alcohol in her bloodstream is the internal clock with those 1.5 seconds programmed into it.
The timer ends and the door creaks open, and Haewon uses all her willpower to push her heavy eyelids as wide as she can, look up and say, "Hey, unnie."
"Why'd you run off?" Lily closes the door behind her, "Are you alright? You're not usually the first to bow out of karaoke."
None of her members have really formed an affinity for drinking since coming of age. But it's a rare day where all their schedules ended in the afternoon, and they don't have anything else until tomorrow evening, and Kyujn's an adult now. So on a whim (mainly Jinsol's), they decided to break open bottles relatives and friends had given them that they hadn't yet had the time or desire to, and try letting loose like they would if they were normal.
Haewon was already sure of this, but tonight is just another glaring example of that fact: she's not normal. She should've had some cider or wine like the others. She should've stuck to one type of drink like her parents said to. But no, her curiosity got the better of her, and now she's swaying on her feet without any memory of why she even came to her room.
The biggest confirmation of all is Lily's still waiting for an answer, and all Haewon can look at is the slight flush across her face and the sheen on her frowned lips. She's so pretty.
"It's unfair," the words slur from Haewon's mouth. She doesn't realise her thoughts have escaped her until Lily tilts her head and steps closer. The younger girl is too buzzed to wince.
"What's unfair?"
She watches the gears turn in Lily's mind, and there's a slight pang of guilt. She should be having fun with the girls - not babysitting a pile of poor decisions.
The jumbled thoughts converge into a super eloquent and emotionally vulnerable, "Mmh."
Haewon finds herself trudging forward. Another big mistake. Lily's eyes are larger than the moon and darker than deep space, and with her vision fuzzy and her balance fucked, Haewon has to steady herself lest she fall into them.
This, of course, means clamping a hand on each of Lily's shoulders and trying to blink the infatuation away. It doesn't work. It never has.
A terminal affliction, Haewon thinks.
Lily's muscles haven't stiffened yet, so she's processing fine. Not a boundary overstepped. Her eyes can't help but dart across Haewon's face due to the proximity, and Haewon bites down on a smile. She narrows her eyes to see through the rosey haze, but it turns out this throws the momentary control she had over her mouth out the window.
"You're pretty, unnie," she hears herself say, but she'd rather keep Lily clear in her sights than save her dignity. Poor decisions, poor girl. "You're so pretty. Can we stay here for a bit? I think I'm drunk. I'm sleepy. Are you drunk? You look so pretty drunk. If you're drunk."
Stop. Stop. For the love of god, shut up. But also, finally.
"Certainly not as much as you," Lily chuckles soft and rich like velvet, the way she does when it's for Haewon's ears only. "Sorry for not keeping an eye out—"
"Nooooooo," Haewon whines, burying her hot face into the crook of Lily's neck, "Not your fault, it's never your fault."
An arm holds her at the waist, sending fireworks exploding in her chest. She brings her arms up to wrap around Lily's neck and hug the girl in earnest.
"Don't say that," Lily gently reprimands, pausing before adding, "Are you sure nothing's wrong?"
In Haewon's opinion, there's a lot wrong with her. But her and Lily? There couldn't be anything more right.
Lily feels Haewon nod into her, a brief shiver running down her spine. "Wanna lie down?"
"Please." A murmur, but a slow one, far past trying not to beg.
The alcohol is settling in the younger girl's limbs now, simultaneously heavy and light, and a nightmare to control either way. In her drowsy stupor, she relishes in the sensation of Lily's body against hers. The warmth of her skin, the sound of her breath, each rise and fall of her chest. It's the only thing that could ground her in this state, euphoric and apathy-riddled and desperate. Lily is the only person who could remain clear in this mess of chemicals and blood.
Lily, who is leading Haewon to her own bed, hand around her wrist like a lifeline.
Lily, whose brown hair fans out like a halo atop Haewon's pillow as she guides her to lay a head on her chest and drape an arm across her stomach.
Lily, Haewon's sun and north star, whom she cannot help but look up at and crumble at the sight of.
The sound of Lily's heartbeat drowns out anything that could be bleeding in from the living room, a steady drum rendering the ticking of the clock practically silent. It could be minutes or hours passing - Haewon's none the wiser.
"Haewonnie," Lily says, too urgent to whisper, "This is really nice."
"Are you sure you're not as drunk as me?"
Lily cups a hand to the back of Haewon's head, letting her fingers thread into jet black hair. "I mean it. You're… important to me."
If Haewon could bury herself into Lily's skin forever, she'd do it right now, no hesitation. Because where the hell is this coming from? What gives Lily the right indulge her, to drag her fingertips along Haewon's knuckles and make her believe it means something? This is the only time Haewon could stomach being babysat, patted on the back and dismissed, and Lily is choosing to love her instead. Meeting Haewon where she is, slotting their legs together herself. Maybe she's secretly the meanest person on Earth. What a conspiracy that would be.
"Unnie…" Haewon clutches the upper sleeve of Lily's shirt as she continues to lose grip on both her filter and energy. "I like being close to you. I like you. So much…"
She's muttering now, slurred and faint and squished up against Lily's chest. Rising, falling. Falling and falling and falling and—
"I like it too," Lily's blushing, Haewon can hear it, "Can we- woah, the room's spinning a little."
There's a small groan. It buzzes through Haewon's cheek. Her thumb rubs circles into Lily's collarbone.
"See. Drunk," Haewon sighs, closing her eyes. "Just breathe."
She doesn't know when their fingers laced together, but that's what they're doing now. Lily flops her arm onto the pillow next to her, consequently pulling Haewon's up with her. There's some shuffling, some hushed giggles, until Haewon's leg is hooked over Lily's and their noses are an inch apart.
Lily wrinkles her nose, "You smell like whiskey."
"You smell…" Haewon barely has anything in her right now, let alone the will to retort. "You smell good. You always smell good."
She wants to tattoo Lily's eye roll to her inner eyelids. The way her eyelashes flutter, the way the corners of her mouth betray her by twitching upward, the round curve of her cheeks, and oh god, she wants this so bad. It's going to make her sick before the drink does. It'd make her cry if she wasn't one minute of closed eyes away from passing out.
"Do you think the others have noticed we're gone?" Haewon faux-muses, so she doesn't have to let go of Lily's hand to clutch her stomach.
"Neither of us left particularly subtly. Maybe the universe knows we needed this."
"Need what?" Haewon asks, as if Lily would believe her stupid enough not to know, in this state of cognitive function or any other.
"Each other," Lily wraps her free arm around Haewon's waist, hand splayed across her back. The younger shifts upward, until her nose is prodding Lily's cheek and her senses are overwhelmed by the smell of worn pages and honey.
"Alone," Lily continues into the silence, "Like this."
A hum of agreement is sealed into Lily's skin, croaking and broken, as if even Haewon's voicebox is succumbing to slumber. They stay like that for an indefinite length of time, held close and slotted together. Haewon lets her breathing slow, concentrating all her remaining energy on the shapes Lily draws on her bare back, her hand having slipped under the hem of her shirt at some point. Graceful touches of cool along her simmering spine paint a constellation that Haewon wants to cradle in her undeserving hands. Lily leaves golden prints on her skin anytime they touch, her form forever indented with the shape it's meant to meld to.
With her inhibitions dissolved and sleep fast approaching, for the first time since she walked into that dance lesson as a new trainee, Oh Haewon sees a good thing and tries not to let it go.
"Is this… will we talk about this, unnie? When I'm not…" Drunk. Scared. "Can we do this again?"
It's known that Lily is a bad liar. Horrible, actually - she's got neon tells hardwired into her. But somehow, Haewon has convinced herself that if Lily responds the way she wants her to, the way she's dreamed of, it's not true. Why would she, when Haewon has not one redeeming quality to her name? Why should the sun herself have to settle for a fawn cowering in the night on knobbly knees? Lily is loud, and Haewon only knows to stifle her breath (when she's sober, she now realises).
To Haewon's expectation and fear, Lily responds in a heartbeat, "Whenever you want. Don't… I like this too, okay? Being close to you."
"Mmh," Haewon is too weak to fight back; she's always been weak and fragile faced with Lily's unrelenting kindness. She pulls back by a couple of inches, just enough for all of Lily's face to blur into view. Curiosity gets the better of her again and, "Do you think I'm pretty?"
Lily's brows knit together, and she releases Haewon's hand so she can tuck some loose hairs behind her ear, so she can reverently hold Haewon's face when she says, "You're the most gorgeous girl in the world."
Palm to chest, Haewon feels the beat of Lily's heart, and it grounds her like a lullaby. "You mean it?" she mutters.
Lily presses her lips together, eyes swelling with melancholy want. "I mean everything I say to you."
Usually, Haewon would wait for Lily to smile first - but her head is too heavy right now, and all she wants to do is sleep in Lily's arms, so she lets it crack across her face, cheeks pushing into her eyes as dimples depress into them. Lily returns it tenfold, because she could never do anything else. She smiles back and it's blazing bright. Haewon basks in it, blinks slowly, and Lily's skin on hers and her sunshine grin are far more deadly than any toxin.
They make her believe.
Haewon falls asleep curled into, weaved into, sewn into Lily. They don't kiss, they don't talk about it in the morning when they wake up with pounding heads and aching backs. It feels like the spell has worn off, and Haewon is left to suffer alone and brew her first deathly black coffee of the day.
Until Lily enters the kitchen, mutters a small, "'Scuse me," under her breath, and her hand ghosts along Haewon's hip for an almost imperceptible second.
Again, they don't talk about it yet. Haewon might be sober, but she's still scared, still feels underqualified for the role of 'loved'. And yet, with just one brush, the fuzzy memories of the previous night fall into place.
Haewon got everything she's ever wanted last night. Haewon could get everything she's ever wanted again - again and again and again. This could be her future. Their future.
She steals another glance at Lily, yawning into her fist and scooping the teabag out of her mug. Maybe one day, when her glimpse of fame inevitably fizzles out and she's no longer a siren or a jester, this will be the most eventful part of her morning: watching Lily blow cold air onto her tea before she carefully sips it. Maybe she'll hug her from behind and plant a chaste kiss on her cheek, and Lily will melt into her and ask how she slept. Maybe Haewon's chest will no longer ache, and her stomach won't feel sick.
Maybe one day. But today, Oh Haewon of NMIXX has to go to work, and it starts with nursing this stupid hangover. She reaches into the fridge for some leftovers and watches them slowly spin in the microwave.
She feels Lily's eyes on her, and she turns her head to meet her gaze. In it,
Can we?
Haewon's heart squeezes a little harder for just one beat.
One day. I promise.