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The very first thing Wei Wuxian did after finishing his patrolling was check up on Lan Wangji.
Of course, why wouldn't he? Doing his duty as a well-behaved exchange disciple—and not just any disciple, but as the eldest disciple of the Jiang clan—he needed to make sure that Lan Wangji didn't fall into the nets they'd set up to catch those pesky water ghosts, or get prissy and run someone through with his sword, or reject some fair maiden's advances by coldly and callously breaking her heart.
Thus, Wei Wuxian had to see what Lan Wangji was up to! It was a completely natural sentiment, and one that he was most certainly inclined towards, especially since Lan Wangji was the sort of person who attracted all the action, both from fair maidens and ghosts alike. And both of those things were very exciting, even if Wei Wuxian would have to put up with a man who had probably swallowed a jar and a half of sourness at his side. So he went to visit him.
Today was a clear day; the sun shone brightly through the clouds and the weather was quite warm. Not the warm that made one sweat drip down Wei Wuxian's back or turn his collar into a strangulation device—now, how did Lan Wangji manage in the heat, that was a fair question—but rather the soft, languid warmth of the sun gently extending its rays across Wei Wuxian's body.
By the time he finished crossing through the village, the sky had turned a soft, cerulean blue. Earlier this morning it had been pale and clear, like Lan Wangji's eyes (although his were much prettier, which was a strange thought to have).
But Wei Wuxian really couldn't be bothered by that, because. Well. He needed to find Lan Wangji.
"Lan Zhan!" he yelled out, into the wide expanse of countryside and river that greeted him. He'd reached the other end of the village, which Lan Wangji was meant to patrol. The grass, which nearly reached Wei Wuxian's waist, swayed gently in the breeze, and pretty flowers dotted the riverside in shades of pink, azure, and yellow. This side of the river was wide and undulated gently across the grass, like a serpent slithering through the countryside. But there was no trace of Lan Wangji. Strange.
"Lan Zhan!" he called again, but no answer. Aiya, Lan Zhan, you leave me no choice. "Lan-er-gege!"
Still nothing, save for the grasses' soft rustling. And just to think that would've been the final straw for Lan Wangji…
The grass rustled again. This time, the sound was closer to him, and Wei Wuxian whipped around to come face-to-face with the ugliest gourd he'd ever seen.
For one, it was enormous. Truly, tremendously enormous—almost as tall as him, if not taller. It was a dark, ugly orange, and had no other features save for a mouth that looked more like a gash across its exterior. The gourd stumbled around Wei Wuxian, nearly knocking him down, before staggering through the grasses, dark liquid sloshing from its tip.
Was that wine?!
He didn't have time to collect himself before another figure dashed past, this one light and nimble and clad in pure-white robes. It didn't take Wei Wuxian even a moment to know who it was.
"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!" he shouted at the figure's receding back as he gave chase. He ran through the grasses to the scene of the fight. "Lan Zhan! Did you not hear me? Or were you playing deaf—"
"Quiet," said Lan Wangji, slashing the gourd with his sword. It dodged, gurgling indignantly, then opened up a hole in its side and sprayed out wine.
Wei Wuxian burst out laughing.
Had Lan Wangji really, truly, completely and utterly, run into a wine monster? He'd only ever heard of those in passing, much less seen one in person, yet here it was, trying to pour wine on one of the Twin Jades of Lan. And to think they'd originally come here to fight water ghosts!
"Lan—Lan Zhan," gasped out Wei Wuxian, sides nearly splitting open from laughter, "do you even know how to fight a wine gourd?"
His dearest Lan Zhan didn't deign him with a response, so Wei Wuxian continued, "You're supposed to drink from the gourd's wine, then it'll leave you alone, or else it'll never fall asleep!"
"Of course I know how to fight one," said Lan Wangji, voice carrying over the gourd's gurgles.
"Then why don't you drink from it?"
Lan Wangji's clear eyes flashed. "It's against the Lan clan precepts."
"And you know I'll never read them, so why bother telling me?" said Wei Wuxian, as Lan Wangji twisted out of the gourd's wine path again. He could've helped, he really could've, but it was much more fun to watch Lan Wangji fight, watch his sword move with deadly accuracy, watch his eyebrows knit together out of frustration.
"How long have you been here, anyway?" asked Wei Wuxian again casually.
"About two hours."
Two hours? All spent to avoid taking even the smallest sip of this thing's wine?
Is this guy a masochist?!
"Lan Zhan," said Wei Wuxian, leaning on one hip, "you're really planning on staying here all day? The Lan clan precepts don't even apply outside the Cloud Recesses. Won't you drink the wine?"
"No," replied Lan Wangji.
Wei Wuxian tsk-ed. "So stubborn. A tiny sip won't kill you."
"No," said Lan Wangji, still tracking the gourd's movements.
"Lan Zhan, you really don't want to know what happens when the gourd loses its c—"
Bichen shimmered in the noontime sun as it came slicing down in a perfect arc towards the gourd. The gourd dodged and ducked into the rolling grasses. Then, only after a few moments, its wood-like shell stretched and expanded until nearly three times its original size.
Well. This was very good news for Wei Wuxian and very bad news for Lan Wangji. And while Wei Wuxian could, you know, not warn Lan Wangji about it, he still considered himself a rather magnanimous person. So with all the benevolence in his heart, he yelled, "Watch out!"
"Wei Ying, quiet—"
With a final, extremely loud burp, the gourd opened its top and sprayed wine everywhere.
As the wine splashed over him in an enormous wave of red, the first thing Wei Wuxian thought was: cold. It was cold and thick, and made his skin tingle slightly while splattering all over his clothes and face and hair. As the wine continued dripping down his body, the feeling became quickly replaced with a viscous stickiness that made Wei Wuxian's nose crinkle.
He ran his tongue across his lips, savoring the wine's taste. Slightly fruity. Its lingering aroma was also fragrant and mellow, one that reminded Wei Wuxian of sunny days and ripe fruits, of clear night skies and twinkling stars. He'd recognize this wine anywhere: Emperor's Smile.
"Well, at least we've hit the wine jackpot," joked Wei Wuxian, stepping out of the radius of now-burgundy grass. There was no hint of the gourd—it was presumably off to harass another victim. Then did this mean it had well and truly succeeded?
No, no, that was impossible. Lan Wangji was always vigilant; he definitely had his mouth closed during the spray, right? And even if he didn't, there was no way he was drunk after a single sip of wine. There was a higher chance of Wei Wuxian ascending to heaven right now than Lan Wangji surprising him. For heavens' sake, Wei Wuxian basically knew everything to know about this guy's boring self!
As it turned out, Lan Wangji still had the capacity to surprise him, because when Wei Wuxian glanced to his left, Lan Wangji was slumped over in a crumpled heap on the grass. Like Wei Wuxian, his robes were dyed a bright red, and his forehead ribbon had slipped off his head.
"Lan Zhan?"
Wei Wuxian quickly ran over to Lan Wangji. Maybe he'd fallen down during the spray out of shock. There was no way a single sip of wine had knocked him unconscious, and besides, that wasn't even how alcohol worked—
Unfortunately, Lan Wangji's eyes were still firmly shut. His breathing was steady as his chest rose and fell slightly with each rhythmic breath, and yet he didn't even stir when Wei Wuxian poked his eyelid.
What the hell…?
So he truly was asleep. If someone had told him that Lan Wangji, let alone anyone, fell asleep the moment they took a single sip of wine, he'd laugh in their face. But here he was, proven otherwise and with a large, Lan Wangji-shaped problem on his hands.
"If anyone looked at us just now, they'd probably think we were a couple of drunk newlyweds." Wei Wuxian sighed. "Or maybe they'd think I just tried murdering my new husband…"
… and how would he be able to explain that one away.
He took Lan Wangji's ribbon off the ground and quickly tied it around his own arm. He'd give it back to him once they were back at the Cloud Recesses. They weren't too far away, anyway; it hadn't even taken them half the morning to get here.
Then, after poking Lan Wangji once more to conclude that he definitely was asleep, Wei Wuxian grabbed him by the arm and brought him to a nearby tree.
"Lan Zhan, have you ever considered spending more time in the sun?" muttered Wei Wuxian, once he had finished propping Lan Wangji's back against the tree. "It's actually pretty nice—might improve your mood, you know."
"I know."
Lan Wangji's voice was deep and calm like usual, although it carried a hint of roughness to it that made Wei Wuxian's eyebrows shoot up. "Lan Zhan—you're awake? And you really know?"
"I really know," confirmed Lan Wangji, staring right at Wei Wuxian.
Does he even know what I'm talking about?
Hell, was he drunk? That had to be an impossibility, but the past few moments were also supposed to be impossibilities, and here they were. So it was worth his while to check for Lan Wangji's sobriety.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" asked Wei Wuxian, waving three fingers.
Lan Wangji didn't reply and continued staring at Wei Wuxian, who glanced back to make sure there really wasn't another gourd or yao behind him. There wasn't. Instead of comforting Wei Wuxian, that fact made him all the more nervous.
"Lan Zhan, stop zoning out… how many fingers am I holding up?"
"No."
Heavens, he was drunk. And he didn't seem to be the chatty drunk, either; it was like his usual, cold self, with a bit of childish petulance rising through the cracks that made Wei Wuxian only want to tease him.
And because he had free will, Wei Wuxian did.
"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, follow my fingers with your eyes, alright?" said Wei Wuxian coaxingly. "See?" He outlined slow circles in the air with his right hand, inching closer and closer to Lan Wangji's face. Lan Wangji kept his eyes fixed on the motion as Wei Wuxian drew his fingers even closer until they were nearly brushing Lan Wangji's chin, only a hair's breadth between them.
Snap!
Wei Wuxian yanked his arm away before Lan Wangji could recover from the startle, then grinned. "Aiya, Lan Zhan, you can't always fall for these tricks… you're too easy, too easy."
Lan Wangji's brows knitted together, as if he was trying to understand Wei Wuxian's intentions but couldn't quite figure him out. It was both endearing and also made Wei Wuxian feel a little like he'd just kicked a baby.
"Come on, you already had that one coming… you know better than that, Lan Zhan…"
Lan Wangji raised his chin slightly and said, "I know."
"Mhm, I know that you know, don't worry," said Wei Wuxian absentmindedly as he mulled the situation over. Lan Wangji was awake, albeit drunk, but that didn't matter much; with some gentle coaxing, Wei Wuxian would be able to get him to walk to the village and call for help in no time. Or, he could…
"Eh, Lan Zhan."
"No."
"Are those the only words you know? 'No' and 'I know'?"
"No."
"…" Wei Wuxian felt the corners of his lips twitch up. "Alright, alright. But Lan Zhan, tell me seriously: how do you feel about boats?"
Lan Wangji shrugged. The gesture looked rather unbecoming on him; his shoulders jerked up a little awkwardly, as if he hadn't had the chance to practice such informality in a social setting. Wei Wuxian really would have to teach him such things in the future.
"So you're indifferent," said Wei Wuxian.
"Yes."
Another word added to drunk Lan Wangji's ever-expanding lexicon! A raging success!
"Now, tell me this." Wei Wuxian lowered his voice and scooched closer to Lan Wangji. "How would you feel about boats… with me?"
Lan Wangji's brows furrowed.
"Got something to say, Lan-er-gege~?"
"Yes," said Lan Wangji.
Heavens, could this guy get any more unclear?! 'Yes' to speaking, or did he mean 'yes' to going on a boat? Or was it both? Wei Wuxian wasn't a mind reader, damn it—
"I want to go with you."
"Ah," said Wei Wuxian. His mouth parted slightly until he was almost entirely sure he looked like a dead fish sold at those markets, the ones he and Jiang Cheng would sometimes throw at each other to gross the other out, except Wei Wuxian was also equally sure that he looked much better than those fish. Thus, the comparison wasn't entirely accurate, but it was the best he had, so he stuck with it. "You want to go with me?"
"Yes," said Lan Wangji, furrowing his brows again. Wei Wuxian suddenly had an urge to press down on Lan Wangji's brow and smooth out the crease that had formed there. He could, couldn't he? It would be nice, feeling Lan Wangji's pale skin under his touch—it was tempting…
What the fuck was he thinking?!
Wei Wuxian cleared his throat awkwardly. "Let's, uh—let's go, then."
Without steadying himself, Lan Wangji stood up quickly, then turned to Wei Wuxian and raised his eyebrows, as if to say, Let's hurry up.
Wei Wuxian sighed with a slight smile. "Don't be so impatient, we'll get there soon—"
The two of them walked closer to the outskirts of the village, near the waterways. These canals wove through the town like threads on a loom, a pattern of sage green water that ducked and knitted around the small, brightly colored homes along the waterside. It was a pretty sight, one Wei Wuxian felt he hadn't had enough time to appreciate, truth be told, and he told Lan Wangji as such.
"But I appreciate you the most," replied Lan Wangji.
Wei Wuxian nearly choked on his spit. "L—Lan Zhan, you can't just say that—"
"Why not?"
"Because—because some people might hear us, and…" For the first time in his life—well, not his life, that sounded a little dramatic—for the first time the past few years or so, Wei Wuxian was rendered completely speechless.
Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… why are you like this?
So he quickly turned away and, glimpsing a villager nearby advertising boat rides, walked over as fast as he could without looking back. Lan Wangji followed closely, hardly a few steps away from Wei Wuxian, which made Wei Wuxian's spine tingle a little before he was at the boat ride seller. But that didn't matter anymore, because now, he needed to focus.
Kind of hard when the drunk second young master of the Lan clan was right behind him, but oh well.
"Ah, dage, do you have any boat rides available?" Wei Wuxian flashed the seller a charming grin. "My friend and I are passing through, and we'd love to see some of the attractions around here."
The seller stared at them. As he spoke, the blade of grass in his mouth moved up and down; the action looked almost as indecisive as him. "What's that on your robes?"
Wei Wuxian tugged at his robes. Damn. He'd been so preoccupied with Lan Wangji earlier that remembering the wine on their clothes had completely flown out of his head.
A large leather pouch slammed onto the table before the seller. The coins inside clinked against the cheap wood as the seller looked at the pale hand holding the pouch, then towards Lan Wangji's face. The blade of grass in his mouth stopped moving. "Well—alright, then, if you're willing to pay—this way, daozhang—"
"Good thing your face doesn't show your drunkenness," whispered Wei Wuxian to Lan Wangji, "or we'd be in much bigger trouble." He paused for a moment, contemplating, before saying, "Unless you think I'm the trouble?"
"You are always trouble," said Lan Wangji.
Wei Wuxian burst out laughing. "Of course you say that, even when you're drunk. Now come on!"
Lan Wangji ignored him. Or maybe he wasn't, and he was just admiring the pretty houses that lined the alleyway the seller was taking them to. The water was here clearer and reflected the sun in glistening sparkles.
Wei Wuxian let out a slow whistle at the sight. "It is pretty nice around here… you haven't been here before, have you?"
Shaking his head, Lan Wangji grabbed Wei Wuxian's hand and tugged him into the boat. The tug was rather strong and nearly made Wei Wuxian fall over inside the boat, but he quickly righted himself.
The boat's paint had deteriorated almost completely, leaving only the dark wood visible beneath. Despite this, the boat seemed solid and took Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji's weights well, sinking for barely a moment before righting itself again.
"Since you two seem to have this handled, I'll leave you to it," said the seller. "Just be back before evening—I'll be waiting here." He waved at them before walking out of the alley.
Clapping his hands together, Wei Wuxian said, "So, Lan Zhan. Are you ready for the adventure of our lifetimes?"
"Mn."
"Aiya, reduced to monosyllables again…"
Since he didn't trust Lan Wangji to steer a boat while drunk, Wei Wuxian took the task of rowing onto himself. It was pretty easy, all things considered, since the river went downstream anyway, so he didn't have to row much. "You like the breeze, Lan Zhan?"
Lan Wangji nodded, and so Wei Wuxian continued talking. "You know, this reminds me a lot of Lotus Pier—I hadn't thought Gusu could be this entertaining, to be honest, since all we ever see are the Cloud Recesses…"
On and on he talked, about the weather, about his favorite moments at Lotus Pier, about Jiang Yanli's lotus and pork rib soup, about the pranks he'd pulled that he was sure Lan Wangji wouldn't remember when he woke up.
And Lan Wangji listened—or, well, Wei Wuxian thought he listened, judging by the way he was staring at him intently—until the meandering river took them entirely out of the small town. Soon, they were in a large, spread-out field flooded with waist-high grasses and beautiful pink, purple and blue flowers.
The river was close enough to the shore for Wei Wuxian to pick out a small blue flower, hardly half the size of his palm. He twirled the stem between his fingers, pinching the soft blue petals lightly with his index finger and thumb.
"You know, Lan Zhan… it would look rather nice with your robes. White and blue, don't they go together well?"
"White and black go well the best."
"Eh? Well, we're both wearing essentially red, now," joked Wei Wuxian, looking at their stained robes.
"White and red also look very good together."
Wei Wuxian grinned. "In any case, do you want this flower or not?"
Lan Wangji nodded. The boat wobbled precariously as Wei Wuxian moved across, but he paid it no heed as he slowly stood up halfway and crawled over to Lan Wangji, intent on putting the flower… where, exactly? Behind his ear? Squished in his forehead ribbon? His hair?
Maybe his hair… it would look pretty there, probably. As Wei Wuxian reached over, the boat wobbled nearly incessantly. With a final stagger, the boat lurched over, shoving him… right into Lan Wangji's lap?!
What the hell. This day was—this day was—insanity! What was he doing, sitting on Lan Wangji, feeling the heat of his body press in on him despite the layers of clothing, feeling the firmness of Lan Wangji's chest beneath him.
Lan Wangji stiffened, then wrapped an arm around Wei Wuxian, keeping him close to his chest.
"L—Lan Zhan, won't you let me go—it's a bit awkward like this, don't you think—" said Wei Wuxian as he squirmed in Lan Wangji's grip. His face was red, redder than the stupid wine stain on his robes, and heavens, Wei Wuxian couldn't handle this any further—
"Don't move. The boat," reminded Lan Wangji.
Ah. That—that explained things. If Wei Wuxian moved more now, the boat would potentially capsize, and then they'd both be screwed. So he kept his mouth shut and let Lan Wangji's arm wrap tighter around him, until his face was buried into the crook of Lan Wangji's neck, the warm, creamy aroma of sandalwood wafting around him.
Well. It wasn't so bad, really… it was actually very nice. He still needed to give Lan Wangji the flower, however. So he lifted his head, looked straight into Lan Wangji's clear, pale eyes, and took out the crushed flower from his palm.
"Lan-er-gege, you sure you don't want this?" asked Wei Wuxian, but his voice came out slightly breathless, which made his teasing fall short. Lan Wangji didn't react and continued staring at him. "Lan Zhan?"
As he lifted his arm, the boat beneath them began shaking again. It suddenly lurched to the right. Wei Wuxian tried righting himself, but instead of steadying himself on Lan Wangji again, he gripped the side of the boat and—oh no.
With one final shake, the boat flipped over completely and dumped both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji into the river below.
The fall wasn't bad, truth be told—the water was a nice temperature, and there wasn't a current, really, so as far as Wei Wuxian was concerned there was nothing wrong—
Except Lan Wangji was kissing him.
Everything in Wei Wuxian told him that there had to be something wrong with this, something very, very wrong, but Lan Wangji's lips were so soft, and his hand around Wei Wuxian's sodden, dripping shoulders was so firm, and Wei Wuxian melted.
"Lan—Lan Zhan, you—" His words were swallowed by another kiss.
Lan Wangji stared at him. Although his amber eyes were clear as ever, they now reflected a storm, furious and fast and roiling, turning Wei Wuxian's insides into heavens-knew-what.
Pulling away, Wei Wuxian said, "Lan Zhan, don't you know that—" He swallowed, then finished lamely, "The boat capsized."
"I know."
"And you're drunk."
Lan Wangji sent him a pointed look. "I remember everything, even if I am drunk. Which I never am."
"Alright, alright," said Wei Wuxian, laughing nervously, "I'm sure you weren't. Now let's head back, shall we?"
One day later
In the library of the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian was flipping aimlessly through an old book, thumbing through the pages at lightning speed, until a certain entry caught his eye.
Wine gourds are known for their tenaciousness, determination, and temper. Once they have found a target, they will harass them to no end until their victim drinks from its wine. Keep in mind that, despite common misconceptions, though their wine is alcoholic, victims retain the memories nonetheless, regardless of amount consumed.
Wei Wuxian almost died on the spot.