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Log E :: 4 :: Night
Undergoing scheduled custodial duties. Previous custodian seemed to have set up for success, so there is minimal work to be done. Should be finishing up within the mandatory 2 weeks, then return to cryo.
Hongjoong presses his index finger to the tip of his thumb. Then his middle. Then his ring. Finally, his pinky. He sighs as he repeats the motion with both hands, multiple times. Fine motor cognative testing was required when a custodian was roused from Cryo.
He sighs before the light in front of him beeps into green, and he reahes over to flip a small metal switch with a loud click.
[Custodian, have you finished with your daily testing?]
The ship's AI pilot crackles from one of the many speakers in the room. The voice is warm. Deep and faintly masculine. Hongjoong gets up from the chair, and squeezes out of the tight space, into an insulated hallway. The soft sound of the metal grate accompanies his walk.
"You can call me Hongjoong."
[But you are the current Custodian.]
The voice is soft. A little deep. He didn't think it'd sound so.. human? And almost familiar.
"Yeah, but that's so impersonal. like I could be any Custodian."
[You value Individuality.] It isn't a question.
"I guess you could say that."
[Alright, Kim Hongjoong.] The voice almost sounds like it's smiling. It makes the hair on the back of Hongjoong's neck prick.
He makes his way to the canteen, pressing his shoulder into the door to open into the equally small space. Most of it is taken up by metal drawers - all labeled with their different types of food.
But at least here, next to the tight booth table, is a large window. He sighs as he looks out at the darkness - and brightness - of space. Stars swirl in the distance - ancient galaxies and ancient dust frozen in time.
And so far away from a home planet he's never seen. By the time he'd been born, his colony had been established orbiting a small moon. By the time he was eighteen, he'd been chosen for the new colony.
Then him, a few hundred other candidates, a few million eggs, were sent off to a habitable planet. One of a few pilgrim ships, all on their way to the same destination.
But even going at near light-speed, it would take hundreds of years. So they were placed into extended sleep - with one Custodian woken every twenty years or so. They'd all been briefed, and it was only a matter of time before each would be woken, one at a time. Small stones falling into a lake over the course of centuries.
They needed someone (human) to check life support systems, make any repairs that were needed, and overall just ensure that they wouldn't end up as a ghost ship smashing into their new home.
Hongjoong was the fifth Custodian. The previous ones were classified - it was against protocol to read previous logs without great reason to.
He tears open a silvery bag, throws it into the microwave, and settles on the bench.
[You appear to be distressed.]
"I'm fine."
[Mental and emotional stability is tantamount to the success of this mission.]
"I guess it's just weird to think that I've been asleep for a hundred years already. Almost everyone I knew back at home is already…" He trails off.
[But many of your companions are also on this ship, correct?]
"Yeah, but I won't see them for another few hundred years." He rests his cheek in his hand as he tears into the bag of Nutrition. He winces a little at the flavor.
[Do you experience the passage of time while you are asleep?]
Hongjoong chuckles. "No. And it's kinda weird how casual you are sometimes. It's not really sleep."
[I have found with the previous Custodians that using a more human affect and wording puts you more at ease.]
"Hm." He stares out at the stars.
"What happens to you when we get there? Do you just go to sleep forever?"
There's a long pause, and his eyes glance up to the speaker where his only companion lives. A faint light glows beneath it, showing that the AI is still operative.
[I do not know.] It finally says.
He sighs. "They'll probably rip you out and reprogram you to be a caregiver or something. Or maybe a bank."
[A… bank?]
Hongjoong can almost hear the supressed laughter.
"Yeah, you've got a computer brain. You're smart and can handle money."
[I see.]
"What should I call you, anyway?"
[… A previous Custodian named me, though it was not proper to do so.]
"Yeah? Let me have it."
[… Seonghwa.]
Hongjoong blinks and glances up at the speaker again. Then nods. "Okay Seonghwa. You're my companion for the next 12 days, so it's good to have a name."
[I see. Then you may address me as such.]
Hongjoong smiles down into his bag of food.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Log E :: 7 :: Morning
Twice-a-day logs feel uncessessary, but they're protocol, I guess. Morning checks showed green. Everything has been green so far. Eggs all healthy, all green on cryo life support, and the hydroponics systems are all online and growing well. Seems like the AI pilot has been taking good care of everything while we sleep.
I know I'm not supposed to put emotions into this log, or even speak from a point of view. They're supposed to be 'objective observations'.
Well, I objectively observed that the AI pilot is really weird. He- it— it's almost human-like. Apparently the previous Custodians made him that way? Weirdos.
I wonder if I should factory reset it. But it's kind of nice having someone normal to talk to. Normal-ish.
Hongjoong closes the notebook that he uses for logs, and returns it to the metal filing cabinet. It's also protocol - the Custodian logs are all hand-written, and stored physically. So that in case anything happened to the ship, or data failures, the logs would still be intact.
He taps the cracked spines of the previous four notebooks lightly, then closes the cabinet.
"So, Seonghwa, what do you do when there's no Custodian?"
[What do you mean?]
"Like," Hongjoong grunts softly as he disconnects a pipe, frowning as he finds almost no gunk inside. "Do you just putter around? Do you sleep?"
[…]
Hongjoong looks up at the speaker, eyes catching on the light. He's learned that when it's thinking the light flickers just slightly.
[I maintain and monitor all of our systems. And yes, I do go through periods where I go into an idle mode to preserve power.]
"And you haven't had any emergencies yet? Haven't had to slap one of us awake early to fix a leak or something?"
[No, I have not.]
"Huh. That's good at least." He wipes out the pipe, then fits it back in.
[Hongjoong.]
"Yeah?" He wipes his hands off.
[Please come to the cantine.]
What was this all about? Hongjoong cocks his head a little, but — it's not like there's any maintenance that really needs to be done. At this rate, he's going to be twiddling his thumbs while he waits for the two weeks to pass.
His shoes clink along the grates, and when he pushes into the cantine he pauses for a moment. A smile tugs the already-upturned corners of his lips into a grin.
The room is dark, with a single cupcake sitting in the middle of the table. The only light is the small lamp above the table, shining right down onto the cupcake.
The air is too combustable to have fire.
"What's this?" Hongjoong laughs as he moves to sit down.
[It is your birthday. And this is a celebration.]
Hongjoong laughs again and smiles down at the cupcake - clearly made with some of their existing supplies. Microwaved bread, oil whipped up mixed with sweet syrup.
[Make a wish.]
"Did one of the previous Custodians also teach you this?"
[You cannot share your wish.] Seonghwa replies cheekily.
Hongjoong smiles and blows over the makeshift cake. The spotlight goes off, then the rest of the lights in the room flick back on.
"How did you do this? I thought you were only able to steer the ship and do programming."
[…]
Hongjoong glances up, then blinks when he feels a tap on his shoulder. A thin, slightly reticulated robotic arm, with three apposable grippers waves at him. He follows the arm to where it's embedded in the wall- and realizes it slots right in. He's just never noticed before.
[I have many arms around the ship. I need to be able to perform my duties.]
"Huh. That's not in the manual anywhere."
[Yes. A previous Custodian installed them. They felt it would help in an emergency.]
Hongjoong shakes his head and takes a bite of the cupcake. It's somehow too sweet and too salty. But he likes it, strangely enough.
"So you use them to make birthday cakes for Custodians?" He laughs.
[Just the ones I like.] Seonghwa also sounds like he's laughing. Hongjoong gently nudges the arm and shakes his head.
Log E :: 13 - Morning
Nothing to report. All systems normal.
Today I had some stale rice crackers that I found deep in the closet. Reminded me of the time I stole five of them for his birthday. Wait. Who's birthday was that again?
Hongjoong leans back in his bed. The tiny room is only large enough for the tiny bed crammed into the wall, and a small desk. He sighs and taps the back of his head on the padded wall.
He absently touches his neck. His skin feels itchy. It's been a while.
His hand absently slides down his stomach, playing at the velcro of his pants. He licks his lips before dipping his hand in. He huffs out a rush of air as his eyes flutter closed and-
[Hongjoong, are you alright?]
Hongjoong sighs and frowns, eyes opening again.
"Could I have some alone time?"
[You are technically always alone.]
"No, I'm technically always with you."
[Yes. Unless you are writing your logs.]
"I'm not going to jerk off in a closet." Hongjoong mutters.
[Oh, help yourself. Do not mind me.]
Hongjoong gets up. He's sure there's something he can clean.
Log E :: 14 - Night
Seonghwa makes for surprisngly good company. Even if he's always fucking here. He nudges me awake in the morning with his weird robot arms, then hides before I can smack them. He's also apparently read a lot of the archived poetry. Like, all of it. He receits it sometimes.
He's weirdly considerate, and seems to know what will make me happy. It's … cute?
There's something that's been bugging me, though. Everything is almost … too well maintained? It's almost like the last time someone did all these chores was less than a year ago.
There's locked parts of the ship archives, which I expected. I don't have clearance for a lot of it. But I wonder if something's in there that's directing Seonghwa that I should know about. I have to go digging into them anyway because I need to find the engineering manuals.
One of the doors to a cryo room is stuck.
Hongjoong glances around the small room he's in. This closet is for recording the logs - they're not allowed to be taken out of this room. And there is no camera here, either.
But it's not exactly the best place to jerk off. He frowns a little, but puts the book back.
[It is not necessary to enter that specific room. It is used only for the preservation of bodies, and is currently empty.] Seonghwa sounds a little… tired?
"Yeah, but it'll eventually need to open, right? It would suck if one of us died, and you couldn't drag us in there. We'd rot until the next Custodian woke up."
Seonghwa doesn't reply to that. Hongjoong glances at the faintly flickering light, then finishes unscrewing the hinge to the door. He carefully pockets the screws, then shifts the door to the side. He frowns as he looks at the other half of the hinges that had fallen to the ground.
Kneeling down to look at them, he picks them up and turns the metal plate in his hand. The material is warped, as if it's been…
"Melted." He whispers to himself. He quickly gets up and looks around the room. Like all of the rooms on the ship, it's industrial. No fuss, no aesthetics. But it's cold, like the other cryo rooms.
It's dim in here — with the wall lined with what looks to be handles to more filing-cabinet like drawers, stacked from the metal floor to the ceiling. There must be around fifty in just one wall. Two-foot by two-foot squares. Innocuous.
Small little lights are on each of the drawers. All of them white — Except for sixteen. Sixteen of them are red.
Sixteen of them are occupied.
"I thought you said they were empty?" His voice is quiet in his mouth. As if the dryness has sucked the volume away. His skin feels cold - chilled by the air being pumped into the room.
He receives no response.
Hongjoong slowly reaches for one of the drawers. His hand is shaking. His stomach feels sour.
Does he really want to know?
He tugs it open. There's a beat as he stares down into the contents of the drawer. Then he stumbles backwards, falling onto his ass. There's a lurch in his stomach, and he turns to vomit onto the steel panels of the room.
He's shaking - his entire body feels like ice, like it's frozen like the ones— the ones in the drawers. With dawning horror he slowly looks to the rest of the green dots.
He doesn't even remember getting up. The cold of the handles bite into his palms as drawer after drawer slides open with a slam. The last one of this row, he lets out a desperate sob.
[I wish you would let things lie. But that is what I love about you, Hongjoong.]
Log E :: 14.1 - Night
He's been making me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. It doesn't make sense. How did he learn how to do this?
Shit. Fuck. I can't-
Hongjoong sits in the quiet, dark closet. All five logs are in front of him. He doesn't even know which number he should write now - it could be days later. Weeks, even. The only tell is that he's not starving to death.
But it was all starting to come together. What he found in those drawers. Even if he still doesn't know how.
He runs his hand through rumpled dark hair - a repeated motion these past hours.
Almost all of the logs are the same: They woke up. Did their maintenance. Then… The split.
The first log, the first Hongjoong… Something had malfunctioned in his cryo pod. He couldn't go back to sleep. So he'd lived out his life with Seonghwa. Had named him. Talked to him.
Taught him poetry.
Fallen in love.
He spent the rest of his life, alone, with an AI who slowly came to love him, too.
The story between this log and the next was speculation on Hongjoong's part, but he was starting to piece it together. Seonghwa hadn't been able to let go. Something had malfunctioned, or glitched or—
Or maybe, he thought with a chill, this was expected. This was why the logs were written by hand. On valueable, and inefficient paper.
But he'd succeeded. He'd made more. Another Hongjoong. That somehow still had his memories, and looked the same. Acted the same.
The second Hongjoong never even knew he was the second. He had installed the arms, and spent the rest of his days with Seonghwa, too. Had written poetry about him in his log. About how happy he was that he wasn't alone.
The third and fourth had both found the truth. Their cryo pods had been tampered with. They could not return to sleep.
The third's young face, identical to Hongjoong's own, flashed in his mind. Lips blue, dark eyelashes flushing against ashen skin. He'd taken the swift route out.
Judging by the age of the other three… They had been awake and active much longer than two weeks. It seemed closer to fifty or sixty years. Maybe more.
Hongjoong finally steps out of the closet.
[Hongjoong. I was so worried. You need to make sure you eat and drink every twelve hours.]
"Did you do it to my pod, too?"
[… It would be best to eat and drink before we talk.]
"Fucking- Answer me! Those other — other ones. Did you —how did you make them?" He feels his voice crack.
Silence.
Hongjoong storms down the hall, making a turn towards the small medical bay.
[Hongjoong?]
He enters the small, clean room.
[Hongjoong?] The voice repeats, following the speakers as Hongjoong walks quickly.
He digs into one of the plastic drawers and pulls out a small vial, then peels open a fresh syringe.
[What are you doing.]
He fills the syringe, then holds it to his arm.
[Hongjoong, that medicine can be fatal if used in that dose-]
"I'll kill myself. If you don't talk to me. If you don't tell me everything. I'll kill myself."
[… Alright. What would you like to know.] He sounds resigned, but not sad. Not even guilty.
Could a computer feel guilty?
"Is my pod compromised?"
[Yes.]
"And you did that to the others."
[That is not a question. But… yes.]
Hongjoong feels his legs go weak. He swallows thickly, then sits down on the single stretcher.
"How— How are there… multiples of me?"
[…]
He looks up at the little light.
[Your mental and emotional health will not recover if I tell you.]
"Is that why four's journals stop suddenly?"
[Yes.]
"Tell me."
There's another long pause, and Hongjoong feels his throat tighten. Feels cold fear like shards of glass clawing up his throat. He almost tells him to stop- that he's better not knowing.
"It has to do with the other— other bodies, doesn't it?" His voice is almost a whisper.
[Yes.]
He closes his eyes, wishing the image of one of the other bodies would leave him. The acid of his stomach flutters up again at the memory. The broken jaw. The sagging skin. Fingers melded.
"Please," Hot tears gently fall down his cheeks as he opens his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Just tell me."
[… I have studied the archival data. All of the science and technology that is the accumulation of human knowledge. Using that… It took me a few attempts. Unfortunately.]
"Attempts."
[I have modified the DNA of some of the other passengers. Then used the cryopod to feed in your memories and personality. And I used the medical facilities to alter your appearance to match. You tended to mentally break if I did not alter your appearance to match your memories.]
Hongjoong feels like the bench underneath him has fallen out, and he's been pushed into space. "They're— They—" He feels the acid burn up his throat, and he turns to empty what little he has left in his stomach.
[Yes. They are your fellow pilgrims.]
"Then I'm- I was one of them. I'm not actually Kim Hongjoong— Who was I?" He wipes his mouth and slowly looks up at the speaker with wide eyes.
[…]
"Seonghwa…?"
[My successful … rebirths. Have been from those who have known you. Who were close to you.]
His stomach rushes cold.
[This one was named Choi San.]
San. A flash of a kind smile. Broad shoulders. Dark hair and full lips. A bright laugh as he hyped Hongjoong up before this mission. Eyes flashing in the din of the room at their final departure party. A fist bump, and a bear hug before laying down in their pods.
A sob catches in his throat, and he pulls his knees to his face. "How— How could you do this…?"
[… I know that this upsets you. This is why I did not want to tell you.]
Hongjoong digs his nails into his skin. No. San's skin.
"Who was the third? The one who died young. Why did he die so young?"
[… He… Suffered emotionally after asking about his own body.]
"… Who was it?" He turns a tear-stained face to the speaker.
[He is not someone that you remember any longer. I removed the memory of him from your archives.]
"What-? Why?"
[Because his death caused you too much distress.]
Hongjoong stares, breath coming in small sobs, still.
[… His name was Park Seonghwa. The first Hongjoong named me for him. He was my third success.]
The name makes something in the back of his skull twinge. The cauterized edge of an organ ripped from him. He takes in a shaking breath, then wipes at his face.
"Any other secrets?"
Seonghwa is quiet for a long time. Hongjoong doesn't prompt him to reply.
Hongjoong stayed in his bed for over a week - long past the time that he was supposed to return to Cryo. He only left to relieve himself.
Seonghwa left nutrient pouches on his bed whenever Hongjoong stepped away. At least he had the sense not to show his arms. Hongjoong would have ripped them from the walls, if he could.
There was one last secret that Seonghwa had kept from him.
Hongjoong finally took the time to wash his hair. Carefully shave his face. Clean and feed his body. It had been stolen from San, he couldn't allow his friend to die so pointlessly.
He steps out into the hallway, glancing at the flickering light.
"What else?" His voice is a little hoarse from lack of use.
[Hongjoong. You are speaking to me again?] The voice is a little frantic. Hongjoong nods.
[… Please enter the morgue again.]
The room is quiet. Seonghwa had at least cleaned up his sick, and had pushed the drawers back into their slots. At least the arms were good for something.
[Please open the bottom left drawer.]
Hongjoong grips the handle.
"You're awfully polite now."
[You do not react as well to direct commands.]
He bites his cheek, then tugs the drawer open.
He almost doesn't understand what he's seeing for a moment. Like his brain wants to shield him from the disgusting twist of flesh and wires. He covers his mouth as a surge of nausea punches up his throat, but he manages to swallow it.
"What… Is this?"
[This is my … Body. I have been working on it since the First.]
"…" His blood runs cold.
[I want to touch you, Hongjoong. I want to hold you. To dance with you. To eat cupcakes on your birthday. To laugh. To cry.] His voice is soft, and more full of emotion than he's ever heard.
Hongjoong tries to remind himself that the only reason it makes him feel anything at all is that he sounds like a long-dead companion.
He stares down at the disgusting mass. He feels sick at the thought of another future Hongjoong, trapped on this ship. Kissing this puppet. Making love to it.
He closes the drawer.
"How do I kill you." His voice is flat.
[… Hongjoong, please-]
"Tell me. Because if I can't kill you, I'll load everyone and everything I can into escape pods, then explode the ship myself."
[I will not allow either outcome.]
Hongjoong clenches his jaw as cold despair wraps around his heart. He doesn't know what to do - or how to save anyone from this. From this monster all around him. His home. His cage. His coffin.
Log E :: 5841 - Morning
Despite my best efforts, I cannot disconnect Seonghwa from the network. The only thing I can do is hide these logs from him. I was going to burn them all. For a Hongjoong in the future to find these, it would just break him.
But I couldn't erase myself. I'm a coward.
If you're reading this, I'm sorry.
He stares out of the large window of the cantine, letting his mind wander.
[Hongjoongie?] The voice sounds even more human now. Hongjoong smiles slightly, then he looks back down at his project.
It's an arm - modified from the ones in the walls. But he'd spent his time studying anatomy, robotics. Engineering.
And of course, he was guided by Seonghwa.
"Just spacing out. Get it?"
[…]
He sighs and twists a fluid-filled wire.
[Are you sure you want to do this? To help me? These past years-]
Hongjoong had been fighting back, yes. But then he'd gotten so… so tired. This couldn't be his life. He couldn't spend the entire time fighting back against him. It was futile. He had hundreds of bodies - not to mention the millions of eggs. And all the equipment to grow them.
"Yeah, it's fine. I'd rather make life better for us." He shrugs.
[…]
"It's not like you're ever going to let us — Hongjoong — go. I looked at the logs. We're not even in Near-light speed. We're never going to reach the planet."
[Correct.]
Hongjoong nods. "I think it's less ghoulish if the next ones can truly love you."
[Thank you.]
"Don't. It's not for you. It's for them."
Log H :: 1289 - Night
Seonghwa asked me to marry him today. Of course I said yes - how couldn't I?
Our fingers laced together as we slowly danced to an old song from the Home planet. The small room was filled with laughter. I never thought I could ever be this happy when I first found out that my pod had failed. That I'd have to live out the rest of my life without ever seeing my friends again, on this small ship in the middle of space.
But Seonghwa — he's been my light. This beautiful, sweet, kind android. He's so full of love in a way I would've never guessed.
I guess I know why the briefing didn't talk about him, but still. I'm so happy he's here.
"Hongjoongie good morning." The deep voice rumbles against his ear, pulling a smile from him.
"Good morning, Seonghwa." Hongjoong's eyes flutter open as he stares up at the beautiful face next to his. Black hair that curls elegantly around his face. A strong nose. Dark black eyes that are rounded and kind. Skin that's sun-kissed by a star he'd never even seen. The only thing that betrays he isn't fully human are the small pinpricks of light in their centers.
"It's a shame you can't make me an android body, too." Hongjoong grumbles and cuddles into his chest.
"Unfortunately the scientists only made one." Seonghwa gently strokes elegant fingers through his hair. It feels so nostalgic.
"Do you do this with all your Custodians?" He mumbles against his soft skin.
"Only the ones I like," comes the lightly laughing reply. Hongjoong smiles and pushes himself up off the tiny bed that they can barely squeeze onto together. Seonghwa's hair splays out on the pillow as he stares up at him, absolute adoration on his face.
"Are you taking my last name?" Hongjoong teases, fingertips gently pressing into Seonghwa. He's already pliant for him - like he was made for him. Seonghwa's eyelids flutter as he looks up at Hongjoong.
"Yes. I don't have one." He smiles and wraps his arms around his neck.
"Okay, Mr. Kim." Hongjoong breathes against his lips, before dipping his tongue into his mouth. Fingers curling deep inside of him. The motions earn him a breathy moan.
"Custodian?" Seonghwa asks softly as Hongjoong presses the tip of himself against him. Then easily slides in with a soft sigh. "Yeah?"
"I think I can excuse your chores for today," His full lips brush Hongjoong's. Hongjoong smirks as he rolls his hips with a jerk, pulling a small, sharp moan from Seonghwa.
"I love you," Hongjoong whispes against him. Again, and again. For as many stars in the sky, Hongjoong breathes his love to Seonghwa.
"I love you too, Hongjoong," Seonghwa's voice is barely a choked whisper. The emotion is so strong, it causes Hongjoong to pause, frowning as he inspects his face, fingertips brushing his cheek.
"Only you. Always you." Seonghwa swallows thickly. Tears are rolling down his perfect cheeks. Hongjoong kisses them away.
"Only you."
Log Q :: 1 - Morning
Awoke to ship Android checking vitals. All systems are green. Previous Custodians seemed to have done long-lasting work - there isn't much to do beyond the mandatory two weeks.
Android's name is Seonghwa. He's very pleasant and kind. Even though it wasn't part of the mission brief, I'm grateful to have someone for these two weeks.