Work Text:
I would've burned every map just to be lost with you, forever
Words hastily scribbled in black ink on a loose page, ripped from a journal. It lay there, right in font of Ryu, on the table. Waiting, just like him. It's been a while, the hours passing by endlessly. Ryu didn't know why he had written all this in the fist place. It was as if his fingers had moved on his own as his thoughts drifted.
And how they drifted. Always, each night as he waited there in the empty living room, counting the seconds passing as he paced around nervously, feet quietly shuffling across the floor, just a few toys scattered across it. Then he would crouch down and pick them up only to put them down again, just to keep himself busy as he waited. Something in all of this felt oddly familiar— it reminded him of his childhood, his mother waiting for his father to return from work late at night, concerned if something might've happened when he wouldn't call.
Slowly feeling like he was going crazy each night, growing sick with worry wondering where Yohan was wandering around, why he never picked up his phone and god why he always came home way too dunk. Stumbling around. But he had never asked, not once.
Why did he never? Ryu frowned to himself, folded the piece of paper and slipped it inside the pockets of his pants. From where he sat, he could only see a glimpse of Yohan's room. Empty and dark. In there, in the drawer of his desk, he stored the rosary he had stopped wearing when ever he would spend yet another night out. A strange feeling overcome him the first time he saw him taking it off, in the darkness of the room. Maybe because seeing him without it was something not meant for his eyes.
Ryu had become accustomed to it way roo fast, way too much, it was something he loved to see. Whenever he would lay his gaze upon it, a feeling of comfort washed over him And he wasn't even catholic.
His eyes would always find their way drawn to the space around Yohan's neck, how the beads of the rosary wrapped themselves around soft tanned skin, disappearing inside the collar of his shirt, the fabric always hugging his body so nicely. There were moment he always thought about. Like that time in the bathhouse he still could recall by great detail like it was yesterday. How Yohan's wet skin felt under his hands, muscles moving slightly against the touch. There was a huge scar on his left am, back then the question lingered on Ryu's mind where he had gotten it from— but was it really his place to ask? Two yeas had passed then and he got the answer. More or less, he didn't mind. The evening air had been warm, a breeze blew as Yohan leaned over the balcony watching the city lights from up thee. He didn't answer directly, let it linger.
"That's just what happens to people like us."
There it was.
With the scar glowing under the light. Ryu had reached out, wanted to feel it under his fingertips, tell him everything would be alight. He didn't.
Maybe if he had, they wouldn't be where they were right now. Hiding secrets, staying out late this long. Coming home dunk, smelling of booze. Falling asleep like this and getting up the next day like nothing eve happened. Ryu always wanted to say so much but no words ever came out. Not in font of the kid. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.
The door clicked and flung open not long after he had sat back down, waiting fo something. A sign. Just a stupid text message but nothing. And now, here Yohan came. Heavy footsteps dragging across wooden floor. He smiled at him as if the clock didn't show 1 am. It was dead in the night and he came home like this. Ryu was so unbelievably frustrated, he could feel the blood boil in his body. What happened, what went wrong why Yohan wouldn't say a single thing, not share what was on his mind. It was eating him up from the inside.
Did he himself do something wrong? Make him feel like he couldn't trust him anymore?
"You're still awake."
And it wasn't the first time. There had been so many sleepless nights after sleepless nights where he only thought of what was going on.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?"
He watched him pull out his phone, squinting at the screen, turning it towards him. Laughing drunkenly,
"Still only one o'clock." Yohan babbled loudly, swaying.
The earlier than last time hung in the air between them. He really, really, wanted to say it. Spill it right out how sick and tired he was from staying up that late, from worrying too much because who knows what he was up to because he never said a thing. Each time it was only "I'm going out" and a smile as if that would somehow make the lies hurt less.
"Everyone else is already asleep. Keep it down. That's the least you could do."
Yohan didn't listen, stumbled over to the bedroom door, calling their daughter's name.
"I told you to keep it down." Rushing over, he grabbed and pulled him away. They both stumbled against the couch. "You're way too drunk, lets get over here"
They stumbled again, Yohan pushed him away. Ryu was tired.
"Why don't you just shut up? All you ever do is nag me for coming home late. I told you I will be out."
Ryu stared, watching him slip out of his jacket which he threw carelessly onto the couch.
"You've been acting weird lately, how exactly do you expect me not to be angry at you? You know we cant afford this, right now. Especially. We need to support each other."
It's like he then saw a shift in him. A bitter expression crossing his face as he glanced at him. Actually… annoyed? Disappointment? Worse. Was it anger?
"Rich coming from you. You come home late, all the time, and don't even answer your phone either."
It went straight through the heart. And what was he supposed to answer anyway? Yohan was right but it's not like he was doing it on purpose. He wish it was different, he wish his work wouldn't be so strict. He wish he could pick K up from daycare just as much as everyone else.
"I wish I could pick her up with you but you know work doesn't allow me."
"We all work!" The sudden raise in Yohan's voice made him go quiet. He stared at him in utter disbelief.
"Keep it down will you." Pushing him towards the tiny space he could hardly call a bedroom, he got shoved away instead, making him stumble.
"I came all the way to Japan and you're giving me a hard time for going out a few times?"
Exhaustion from all the nights staying up and calling him sat it, R almost had to hold himself back from collapsing into bed when he sat down, something weighing him down. He knew what all this was leading up to and he didn't like a single second of it. Why now when everything seemed so perfect?
"You were the one who asked me to come to Japan."
"What?"
"They're your friends to begin with"
"Why would you say it like that?" Jaw clenched, he got back up. "Are you implying I dragged you here against your will?"
Something crossed Yohan's face. "I never said that"
"You know you were in such a bad place, that's why I suggested-"
"Don't look down on me! Don't you dare to pity me!"
What was he saying?
"Why… just tell me why did you bring me here? Was it out of pity? This entire time…did you only look after me out of pity? Was everything you did simply because you thought I'm weak?"
Yohan stepped closer, only a view inches separating them now. In the dim light illuminating their tiny space they had created so carefully, with so much love, Ryu could see tears swell up in his eyes— he could feel them in his own as well. Already burning, but he was too disappointed, too speechless, to let them expose him.
Weak? That's what he himself was but Yohan?
How could he say this about himself? How could he even think like this about himself? Just how long had he thought this way? That's not what he meant. For Ryu, Yohan was more than perfect, the little flaws making him even more lovable. For him, he was everything. His sun, his moon, his anchor. The one who helped him back up again after falling so deep he thought he could never find his way back out.
The one person he always loved being lost with.
Perfect perfect Yohan who was loved by his parents, adored so much by his mother. Who spoke so gently and laughed so softly. Yohan who looked at Kanau with all this love and adoration, like she was his own, it always made Ryu's chest ache with so much longing. The image of that night when they all laid huddled on the floor, listening to the man on the audio talk about happiness, still engraved in his mind. How he held her and smiled, barely audible speaking in Korean.
He understood every word. So, what had changed? All he wanted was know what changed.
"That wasn't what I meant… you know it wasn't."
"Then what did you mean?"
Something left Yohan's eyes as he stepped back. Too far away now to reach and pull it back up from the depth. It looked like resignation. As if he had already came up with his own so wrong answer.
Ryu's heart hammered in his chest and stars danced in front of his vision. This was ridiculous. Shouldn't he know by now why he had wanted him to move to Japan? Maybe he hadn't made himself clear enough, maybe… maybe he should tell him.
But instead, he stayed silent because-
He couldn't. Couldn't say the words that had ruined his best friend's life back then. Amongst grassy pavement and flowing river water glittering in the sunlight.
Rubbing his face, they sat there at the tips of his fingers.
Perhaps after all those years, he was still afraid.
But what if not saying anything was what would tear them apart and he would have another one exit through the window, leaving him there to pick up the pieces from the stained sidewalk. What if it was just like that for him, doomed to ruin everything and everyone he loved?
Ryu felt sick, didn't know what to say. He rarely did, but right now? He was drowning in this horrifying feeling of utter helplessness. Nobody there to hold his hand or guide him gently towards the truth. It was only Yohan right there, in front of him waiting for an answer. Which he deserved more than anyone else. All while he was here, choking. Choking up on air and anger and frustration and love.
It's not like he was afraid of a rejection, that's something he had earned after everything he did, that wasn't it. What Ryu was afraid of was destruction and himself— what if he didn't sound convincing enough, or he lost his courage midway through or he would feel ashamed not of who he loved, but that it had to be him who loved Yohan? God he was spiral so bad, losing track of time and space.
"See. You don't know what to say because-"
"I…" he interrupted hastily, words faster than his thoughts could catch up to. "Love you." More than I could ever show you, more than words could ever convey. "Is that what you wanted me to say? Because here, I did." He took a deep breath, shaking. "The reason I brought you here is because I love you. Because I didn't want to leave you behind at a place where you suffered so much, because I wanted to see you smile again. I wanted to be the reason you smile again." Taking a step back just so he wouldn't completely lose himself in those eyes staring down at him, he swallowed a sob. "I don't know. I don't know if it was love at first sight , but what I do know is that it was curiosity at first sight, back at the police station. So," He pushed past him. "Is this enough to convince you this wasn't because I felt pity for you? Or should I-" Choking up on his own words, that's exactly what he feared. And the silences that stretched over them, so incredibly deafening and suffocating. He didn't dare to finish what he wanted to say, not when he saw the look on Yohan face.
"You… love me?" There was something in how he repeated this one single word. Confusion. Like he couldn't believe it— not now, not never. It was heartbreaking. Yohan had never told him about all the things that happened to him but they lay heavy on his soul, that R felt. He knew it had made him weary, of everything and everyone and that this was the reason why he had been so aloof that day they first met face to face.
If he didn't believe him, R would say it over and over again to safe him, no matter how difficult it might was for until Yohan knew just how deep he had etched himself into his weak soul.
"I do." Heart hammering in his chest from all the build up stress finally released, he found himself almost stumbling over his next words. "I don't know if you believe me or how to make you believe me because there is only so much I can say and do and it's the first time I ever felt something like this but I mean every single word said. I love you so much. Without you a today wouldn't exist."
They came blurting out, one after another. Because truth was fear crept up on him, slowly. Eating away on his very being.
"That's why I wanted you with me. Perhaps it was for selfish reasons but it was never because I see you as weak. So… what ever you're doing, or planning to do, don't. I'm worried. Let us fix it, like we always did, alright?"
"Ryu-"
Fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket, he stepped forwards again, reaching out slowly to hold Yohan's hands. They were shaking and so cold— so lonely. Last time they were like this was back at the abandoned factory. It ripped R's heart out once more. Under the touch, he felt the faint scar from a few years ago sitting atop tanner skin like a beautiful memory. He caressed it carefully, smiling to himself.
"I don't expect an answer. But… can you at least sit down for a moment, hm? I will be right back." Waiting for him to sit down, he made his way over to Yohan's room quietly.
The rosary was somewhere here.
It took him a few minutes before he found it, somewhere buried deep in a drawer between boxes of pencils and a stack of paper and unused journals. For a moment his fingers hovered about the light yellow one with its worn pages and corners. It was the one Yohan kept the closest to him, would never let anyone touch it, let alone see what was inside. A slight slap on the wrist whenever Ryu would reach for it followed by a quiet no, stop it. He loved watching Yohan work on it either way with that smile tugging at the corner of his lips and the irritated frown sitting between his eyebrows. Or how he would glide his fingers through his hair, pulling at it a little in frustration leaving it messy, scribbling something onto the page and sighing when something didn't go the way he wanted it do be. What a comfortable feeling this sight evoked in Ryu. Especially when he would get more sleepy by the minute, cheeks flushed slightly.
The beads of the rosary clinked softly in his hands when he picked it up. When he returned back, Yohan sat unmoving on his bed staring at the ground beneath his feat.
Ryu didn't say a word when he closed the distance between them, legs brushing against each other. It was a gentle intimacy, a feeling he couldn't describe.
Letting the rosary slip over his head, tangling in messy hair for a moment, it slid down and around his neck.
"Now you're whole." Tracing the beads, he offered Yohan a warm smile. "And you have me, you always will."