Chapter Text
“Hey Fam! Today I’m LIVE in the Leech household!” Cater sat on one of the old chairs, making the furniture squeak. “Hi Riddle, there you are!” Cater said, shoving the phone in Riddle’s face. “19 years old and look how cute you are!”
“…Thank you?”
“And look how cute I am!” Cater smiled at the phone.
“Cater, I told you ten times,” Trey said. “Don’t come to our house unless you call first.”
“Sorry tray-tray!” Cater smiled. “But the people want to know what it’s like living in a polycule marriage!”
—
“Ah yes.” Azul said, setting down his tea cup. “The biggest mistake of my life, also the biggest paying mistake of my life.” He sipped his tea. “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”
—
“You could just not film us live.” Jade suggested. “Then maybe we could have personal lives.”
“There is no ‘personal’ in the word social media!” Cater clicked his tongue. “You would then have ‘personalsocial media’ which isn’t a word!” He gasped. “I just invented a word!”
—
“Make way bitches!” Cater flipped his hair. “#G-E-N-I-U-S in the house!”
—
“Riddle, I packed your lunch.” Trey handed Riddle a brown paper bag, the bottom of the bag almost gone from moisture.
“Thanks dear.” Riddle gave Trey a kiss and started making his way towards the door. “Hold on!” Jade ran to stop him. “Don’t forget your coat and umbrella!”
“It’s not raining?”
The eel shook his head. “Just in case! Don’t want you catching HIV!”
“Oh?” Riddle looked at him curiously. “I wasn’t planning on any kind of sexual intercourse—“
“Opps, did I say HIV? I meant pneumonia!” Jade laughed. “Those words are very similar.”
“…”
“Have fun at work honey!” Trey interrupted.
“Remember goldfish.” Floyd said, hanging off the couch. “If anyone does anything to ya I’ll squeeze ‘em!”
“Or I’ll blackmail them and give everyone they love cancer.” Azul sung.
“Thank you, everyone.” Riddle smiled. “I shall be on my way, I will return at precisely 6:00.” He bowed and made his way out of the house, shutting the door quietly.
“He’s so cute.”
—
“How does it feel to be the baby of the household?”
“Am not!” Riddle’s cheeks turned red, puffing out. “I’m just everyone’s favorite.”
—
Trey was getting ready to bake a cake a customer had ordered when he noticed Azul and Jade not so sneakally sneaking out. “Now where are you two going?”
“Out to sell meth, vicodin, crack and weed in the alley behind our local Target.” Azul explained.
“Oh okay.” Trey turned back to baking. “Just be back by four this time.”
“We will.”
“We’ll take them out the old fashioned way.” Jade giggled. “I hope you bought the good detergent because things are going to get messy…”
“Don’t worry, I went to the store this morning.”
“Great!” Jade turned to the couch. “Come on, brother, we’re leaving.”
“Nahhh I don’t wanna.” Floyd yawned. “Selling legal stuff is so boring…and I’m about to start my period!” He whined.
—
“I may or may have not gone into the government's computers and made it legal to sell drugs if your name starts with an A and a Z.”
“So the other people whose names start with an A and a Z can sell stuff too?”
“Oh heavens no!” Azul gave the cameraman an offended look. “I just erased them…”
—
“Nineteen years and Floyd still doesn’t know what a period is.” Jade sighed.
—
“Floyd, for the millionth time you don’t have a uterus! Therefore you can not have periods!”
“What do you know, Azul?” Floyd snapped. “Maybe I’m just built different!”
“Okay fine, what exactly happens when you’re on your ‘period’?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” The eel crossed his arms. “My gums bleed when I floss.”
“That’s because you don’t foss—whatever.” Azul stormed over to the door. “Come on Jade, let’s go.”
—
“So how exactly does your marriage work?”
“All of us are married.” Trey explained simply.
“Yeah but are like, Floyd and Jade dating??
“Ew no!” The green-haired man gagged. “No, see I’m married to Riddle and Jade but Jade is married to Azul and Riddle but Azul is married to Riddle, Jade, and Floyd and Floyd is married to Azul and Riddle so then Riddle is married to Me, Azul, Jade, Floyd but I think he’s also married to Silver, Ruggie, and Jamil but they just don’t live with us.”
“…That makes no sense.”
—
Trey was a baker, but not just any baker! He made all his stuff at home in his brightly colored kitchen, which is an understatement, it looked as if some 80s tv show home renovators had vomited a party pack of skittles. He also runs a Magic-tok page where he posts about his baked goods.
“Let’s make some cake pops!” He said to the camera. “First take your—“
“AHHHH!” Trey jumped at the loud scream, dropping his cake dough. That sounded like it came from the bathroom! He thought. He took off in a sprint, expecting to find something horrific, instead he found Floyd staring into the mirror, holding a strand of seemingly clean floss, the eel stared into the mirror, his eyes filled with dried.
“Floyd?” Trey said gently. “What’s wrong?”
Floyd looked him dead in the eyes. “…I’m pregnant…”