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He knew this was a likely possibility, from that upsetting reunion of four and that futile…fight execution at Scalegorge Waterscape.
The ending that man truly desired had been made abundantly clear and Dan Heng had been given enough time to prepare himself and quell those inexplicable feelings of loss and sadness he had felt when the realisation had sunk in.
Or so he had thought.
As they stand minutes away from the beginning of the promised funeral, Dan Heng is still choked up and barely restraining himself from clinging to that man with an iron grip and not letting him go.
Vices of the past truly are hard to overcome.
He settles for sitting right beside him, pressed shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm and hopes the contact somewhat satisfies the need to keep holding on.
Ren is warm against his arm, and it feels even warmer when he turns his body towards him more, looking down at him with an expression Dan Heng cannot see because his own gaze is glued to the archway leading into the enclosed pavilion they are currently waiting in, waiting for General Yao Guang to return and lead Ren to his final death.
“You’re scared.”
Dan Heng looks up at him, offended. “I am not.”
A ghost of a smile graces Ren’s face and it makes Dan Heng’s heart ache, that he only got to see so little of it, that he wouldn’t get to see more of it after today.
“It’s alright.” He looks ahead towards the archway as Dan Heng looks at him, watching his expression turn somber again. “It will be alright, once this is over.”
“I-“ Dan Heng hates how his voice breaks. There are so many things he wants to say, and he doesn’t have the time to say them anymore. He wants to snap at Ren, at Yao Guang, at Marshal Hua for allowing her to come, at Jing Yuan for not coming in her place.
All the people responsible for Dan Heng being left behind before he could mend their relationship, now that it had seemed possible for a few fleeting days in the long years of their mutual resentment.
“Do you have regrets?” Ren is the one who asks, despite himself being the one who is shortly going to be leaving this life behind.
“Why would I?” He does not like being seen through by someone who has known him longer as his past incarnation.
A bandaged hand cradles his chin, and in his surprise he cannot resist when his face is turned towards Ren’s. “You are different, but in some ways you are also the same,” says the swordsman. His voice is so tired but full of warmth. An ever-burning furnace, like the one he still remembers him standing before so often in their past life. “Perhaps I am an old fool blinded by nostalgia in my final moments. If that is the case, you can tell me so.”
Dan Heng’s throat clogs up and Ren’s thumb presses against the very spot lightly, so lightly. “You can tell me anything while I’m still here.”
Dan Heng’s eyes flit all over his face and his mouth parts around that abhorrently selfish thought. “Does it really have to be now?”
Ren understands what he is saying. It’s why his grip on his chin tightens.
“Dan Heng.” He knows that tone from him well. A warning.
And as it always has been in this life, Dan Heng has the sense to heed it.
He looks away, unable to help the downward turn of his lips.
“You can tell me anything,” repeats Ren. “But don’t ask that of me.”
“….sorry.”
He can feel the heat of Ren’s gaze on him again, a caress of bursting warmth rather than the fearsome inferno it used to be when they were predator and prey.
A thumb strokes over the curve of his cheek, ever so carefully as if he were a work of art in a craftsman’s hands, as if to commit it to memory.
“Promise me you won’t follow.”
“I said I would.” Dan Heng still refuses to look at him in his growing indignation. He knew, back then under the statue of the first High Elder, Ren had neither accepted nor rejected him. Had left him with a cold look and colder words. But the promise was more for Dan Heng himself, to hold him from drifting back into ignorance and aversion and only an offer that man had every right to reject-
That warmth comes closer and a nose brushes against his cheek, and words breathed out softly just for him touch his face.
“Don’t be upset, qin’ai de. It’s for the best.”
Dan Heng’s frown deepens. “You don’t trust me to not make the same mistake?”
Ren laughs, a quiet, contained sound so different from anything he had heard from him. “I do trust you. After all, I’ve grown to know you now, as you are.” His lips ghost over his skin, a fleeting touch of a wanderer already on his way to the beyond.
Dan Heng can’t help but turn into that touch, their noses and foreheads bumping when he nods, his eyes scrunching momentarily to stop the sudden hot pressure behind them from overflowing.
Only then does the answer to Ren’s question break forth, an admission ragged and raw. “But I wish we had more time.”
A sharp inhale of breath.
Dan Heng can’t look him in the eyes, shame flooding him. How is he any different from the presumption and arrogance of his predecessor? “I-I won’t do anything to hinder your wishes-I know-“
“I know.”
He receives a placating kiss at the corner of his lips. “But the place I am going to…the way I may leave, it may not be pleasant. I don’t want you to see that.”
“I can handle it.”
“I know.”
Another kiss, this time right on his lips; Dan Heng’s hand flies up to curl around a strong bicep that now cages him in and tilts his head to drink deeper that cocktail of feelings being poured into him; old regrets, sorrow and an unbearably deep fondness that permeated it all that made him choke despite the tenderness of the kiss. He wants it but he can’t stand it, he can’t-
“Ahem.” They break apart with a start, Dan Heng’s face colouring rapidly as he blinks up, wild-eyed at the General of the Yuque leaning against the archway. She graciously keeps her eyes fixed on a point just behind their heads, waiting only till she has both their attention before turning away, offering her side profile as she gazes back out to the gardens.
“If you have…final words to be exchanged, I will wait for you by the docks. I’m sure you can find your way there.”
“…Thank you, General.” Dan Heng says for the both of them. It is becoming a bit of a habit now, over the last few days. One of the very few he would be able to discover, now.
His hand curls, and he starts when he finds Ren’s hand in his own.
He looks up at him, and then towards the arch - General Yao Guang has already disappeared.
“Look here.”
He turns back to him, one eye closing when his cheek is cupped with some urgency. Or perhaps it was need.
He leaned into it regardless.
“We have had our time. These last few days…thank you for them.”
It’s still not enough.
“I know it’s not enough.” Had he said that out loud? “But that is what life is. What it should be.” His voice turns heavier, the weight of epochs sinking in like layers of sediments in stone. “You walk the path of the Trailblaze. You already understand, don’t you?”
To trailblaze means to keep forging on. To not be bogged down by goodbyes and losses and regrets but to learn from them.
And most importantly, the Trailblaze does not override any person’s freedom of choice.
He understands.
Dan Heng’s dream has been for their journey on the Astral Express to never end.
He only wishes the same could be said for the hunter following him since he had first set foot out in the cosmos.
“Dan Heng.” He wants to hear his name from that mouth again and again, more and more till the shock of hearing it in that voice gets out of his system, but he can’t-
“Dan Heng.” Hands frame his face and incandescent eyes take him in, perhaps for the final time. “It’s time for me to leave.”
It has been, for a long time now.
Dan Heng swallows. “Alright.”
He can’t stop him from going.