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Regret. That’s what haunts Seungmin for years. He was taught to love God, to respect and adore Him under every circumstance. What was right was right and what was wrong was wrong, written all in the bible.
“Leviticus 18:22, You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination,” The Father said on a regular Sunday's Holy Mass. Each word still echoed on Seungmin’s limbs. He was young at the time but not innocent, he knew what it meant. And deep down, Seungmin knew he would be condemned one day.
Seungmin doesn’t know how long it has been like this. In the beginning he just tossed and turned in bed for hours until he fell asleep. Now if you ask him, he could read an entire book because his eyes won’t glued shut and his mind felt like a horse race, but he still tried. Seungmin forced his eyes closed for some time before opening them again and sinking into the mattress, realizing it would be another night like that. Even beneath the blankets, his body trembled. It was neither cold or warm, at least to his twisted perception. He couldn’t feel the tip of his fingers and toes anymore or the way his clothes rubbed against his body. Seungmin could barely notice the rise and fall of his chest. But his human body was there, it still existed by the minimum sound of his heart beating to his eardrums.
When the sun goes down, giving it space for the lonely deep blue sky, Seungmin knows it always leads to the same thoughts, replaying conversations that could’ve led in a different way. If he hadn’t touched a boy in his front yard, if he hadn’t run away that night, if he had only stayed home and sucked it up with his religious parents, maybe it could’ve been different.
It was his fault, he was caught. Seungmin was the one who never thought of girls the same way his friends did, talking about kissing and sex. And he tried. Once a girl from his class confessed to him and he knew she was trying the same as him, the way she moved a strand of her chocolate brown hair behind her ears, fidgeting with her uniform. Despite his true nature, Seungmin poorly reciprocated her feelings, thinking this was his time to finally love in the right way. But as much as he wanted to, his heart never beat differently, in fact it felt like every kiss and every touch clenched his chest, afraid to reveal its truth. The sting of discomfort was always there.
They lasted six months, ending a few weeks before Seungmin's birthday. That day he felt like a failure to her because he could’ve tried more, reached out more to take her hand or to love passionately. And a failure to himself. Seungmin could’ve done better, he wanted to be normal.
“Don’t you think I want you to be happy too? Please,” Seungmin still remembers how she yelled, “I can see you’re making an effort, but you don’t love me anymore Seungmin. I’m not sure if you ever did.” She said with a hurtful expression but a soft tone, leaving the meaning of her words floating in the air, the bare truth for Seungmin to see. He left her house and never came back, not being sure if he was looking forward because his vision turned into blurry images.
A year later, it happened. It wasn’t supposed to, at first, they were just friends. But Seungmin panicked, he couldn’t move away or further, his mind kept reciting the verse that the Father said on that Sunday whereas his heart raced like running in a marathon. They were in front of Seungmin’s yard, talking about something he didn’t remember now because soon their lips were on his, and he felt electrified, shocked and scared all at once. The citrus scent from the orange tree above them was taking up his senses, along with the grass humidity it followed, it felt so vivid. Seungmin melted.
It was a simple kiss, just mouths moving, but to Seungmin it felt like a secret he would bury to his soul. The boy left grinning at him, however Seungmin was somewhat paralyzed. As soon as he moved and stepped on his front door, his father was there, standing still. As long as Seungmin lived, he would never forget that face he made. His brows furrowed, gaze locked on Seungmin, looking at him from head to toes, like he was searching. Searching for the young boy he educated, the boy who was so disciplined, who always knew better to not make mistakes or be irresponsible with his attitudes, who wasn’t a sinner.
At that moment, he looked down and went straight to his bedroom. Not even greeting his mother. His feet rushed the stairs, his body shivered from shame. He laid on the bed, covering himself with the blankets up til his ears, even though the sun was still up. His eyes wouldn’t keep closed, so he stared at nothing for hours, not dropping a single tear.
Seungmin had somehow fallen asleep and woke up covered in sweat when the quiet of the night had come. He checked his phone before going down and out of what he had been calling home. Seungmin just walked without a place to go, his feet just kept going one after the other. The sound of crickets reminding it was all real, the kiss, his father, his feelings. He didn’t know how much time had passed when he found himself at a beautiful park. It was so dark that the trees could blend into the sky, which was dim without any stars. He sat on a bench, feeling the light breeze, trying to wash him over from everything.
Guilt. That’s what he felt when he woke up on that same bench and checked his phone, seven missed calls and tons of messages.
His breath felt heavy. Nothing could’ve prepared him from what he just read.
He ran straight home that same minute after reading everything, the house torn apart after finding his mother on the couch and she looked exhausted. The wet trails from her eyes down to her chin were still visible. But the relieved smile she showed when Seungmin stepped home was the climax to his collapse. Seungmin only recorded crying and begging his mother for forgiveness. The words that his father had passed away echoed in his mind.
When his father's funeral came, the sky wasn't blue anymore. It held its light gray with lots of clouds, just like he was seeing the world now, a second from raining. Seungmin looked at the simple casket, with a promise hanging on its silence. He looked at the grass that held a medium gray, he didn’t know why it happened, but kept it as a reminder. A world without colors was his divine punishment.
It was until he reached university and got Hyunjin as his roommate, who made him miserable.
Seungmin heard the tick of the clock on his nightstand, meaning it was possible to have nightmares being wide awake. His eyes went to check which time it was — past 2 A.M. Still early. Seungmin knew sleep wouldn't come like a miracle, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen to him anymore. What happens is Seungmin trying to get out of this room and breathe. With the bare energy he has left, he pulls the covers away and sits up on the bed. His vision gets used to the dark in the bedroom, the silhouette of the furniture becoming slowly visible.
Seungmin steps lightly, trying to not make a single sound so it won’t wake Hyunjin up. Even though he is used to it, since Seungmin has been doing this for who knows how long. He opens the drawer in the desk, capturing a few sticky notes, a pen and a clear glass jar with a gray lid. Turning towards the door, he still checks again if Hyunjin is still sleeping with the blanket up til his ears before tapping on the doorknob and stepping out.
It helped a little, just a little to calm him down from the thin air their room held. He was still at their apartment, but at least Hyunjin wasn't breathing in the same room as him. It gets heavy. Heavy to even look at him, to hear his hysterical laughs or try to act nonchalant with every brush of shoulders. Seungmin wouldn’t dare to let the possibility sink in, not again. He couldn’t afford losing something — himself — again.
Seungmin breathed, once, twice. Trying to clear up the fog in his head. He walked to the small desk on the corner of the living room, sitting on the floor. He bought it last year to use it but never had the courage to do so. Until a few months ago a flower pot stayed in the center of it, now it was in the corner of the lowered table, giving it space for what he has been doing.
The reason he chose this exact spot was because of the window that held the perfect view of the nights. If Seungmin had Hyunjin’s skills, he would definitely draw a landscape of it. The almost black sky with its light gray shadows resembling the clouds, the buildings now with all lights off. The trees with their falling leaves, almost being just a bunch of branches, indicating the fall was coming. That’s when he and Hyunjin met as roommates.
The first semester would start later than usual because of the delayed scholarship, so Seungmin still had to take care of all the paperwork that should've been accepted in August. It was mid September when Seungmin finally got to settle his things into his dorm. Seungmin isn’t a very communicative person at first instance but he can create a good environment with time and that's one of his fears. That they wouldn’t understand themselves and fight at the first chance or on another extreme, that they wouldn’t talk at all.
In the end, when Seungmin was reading a book, Hyunjin was next to him babbling something over the new transfer students. When Seungmin was studying, Hyunjin was next to him preparing cups of coffee because of his habit to keep late at night. When Seungmin was overestimulated, Hyunjin would keep his distance. They functioned really well as roommates, most of the time Seungmin just listened. Listen to the way Hyunjin would pitch up his voice when trying to make a point, or the way he reacted first with chuckles and then a full laugh over something stupid Seungmin said, or the way he was always there.
Until Seungmin started to listen to the way his heart would beat just a second faster than normal, he would notice the little heat it crept from his neck and ears, he would shy over little chit chats and he would bury all of it to his grave.
It’s been some time since Seungmin had to stop waiting for Hyunjin after classes, stop stealing the accident touches like their hands brushing when walking together. Stop making the same mistakes.
Until it hurt to see the sad look in Hyunjin’s eyes when they glanced at each other, the hope of something that once was there and not sure why it was just gone. Until it hurt to acknowledge what it really meant doing what he did—not wanted to. Until it hurt to stop hearing him breathing.
Seungmin went to the corner of the room and cracked the window open. A light breeze washed over him, just like it happened that time. He still hadn’t answered his mother’s last “good night I love you” message. She never talked to him about that day. Seungmin never knew what his father had said or which truth had been revealed. Nor did he want to know. He only wanted to feel the gust of the wind against his skin and hear the soft white noises from the street below.
Seungmin finally sat on the floor, organizing his stuff on the table. He didn’t have a favorite color, he couldn’t distinguish one from another either. To him, all of them had distinct shades of gray, but the medium color always stood out, being his first pick. He started tearing a string from a piece of paper, then he picked up his pen, its light weight burning in his hands, as if the feeling of being used to it couldn’t possibly harm him anymore. He would linger for some time, waiting if God would send him a sign to stop, to control himself, to be ashamed.
Well, for the last one, a sign wasn’t necessary. Seungmin has felt so much shame since his childhood. Hearing slurs at his hometown from the elders, saying the sinfuls didn't deserve mercy and should pray that the love for God would cure them. He felt pity for himself, the humiliation of keeping his head down and listening like he was learning something, like his bare existence was something wrong to his parents eyes, like he was being silenced each day he lived. Even nowadays, remembering made Seungmin’s stomach sick, the bile rising up his esophagus making him want to vomit. No matter how much he stepped away or buried a part of himself, it would never be enough.
When the sensation in his throat burned, that’s when he would take the courage to write.
‘I miss him,’
‘I want to be close again.’
Then he folds the paper again and again and again until it’s like a tiny star shaped origami. Opening the jar and setting the star inside among all of the others, the cup half filled and half empty. Then tearing another piece of paper, taking his pen, and writing.
‘I miss your touch,
‘Please, don’t believe me.’
He folds the paper in a tiny star shaped origami again and puts it inside the jar. Again, he tears a piece of paper.
‘I never wanted this,
‘Please, believe in me.’
And again.
‘I hope you don’t give—
Seungmin freezes mid sentence, the soft creaking sound of the door being too loud this late at night. Still, Hyunjin never woke up in the middle of the night, he would usually sleep before Seungmin even. That’s one of the excuses his brain had for being awake, that at least this time around they wouldn’t pass through each other and have those awkward moments of silence. He wonders what could have possibly gone differently tonight.
“Uh, Seungmin?” Hyunjin whispered, searching for someone in the darkness of the room. He was used to it now, the silhouette of him coming closer and closer. “Are you there?”
Seungmin feels his body tense up, in alert. He retraces his steps, when did it all start? When did Seungmin had fucked up so bad in his life that he couldn’t live like a normal person. He is afraid of even breathing sometimes, afraid his subconscious might kill him, afraid he might be dying like water in everyone’s hands and not even be noticing, afraid to be a disappointment. And he doesn’t want to be like that in Hyunjin’s eyes. Not him. He couldn’t. Seungmin had to fix whatever was wrong with him so they could be friends again.
“M here,” He softly speaks, tearing the paper anywhere but leaving it on his desk with his writing visible.
But he wishes the floor would be made of wood because then he would know at which distance Hyunjin’s approaching, he could come up with some excuse as to why he is here and why this materials are disposed of on the table this late or even hide them, but the silence it follows just grew to his anxiety. The raw feeling of exposure crawled through his skin.
“Oh, you’re here, again,” Hyunjin had emerged from the dark hallway and walked into the living room, where only the soft light of the moon illuminated Seungmin’s spot. He sat on the floor beside Seungmin, his features barely lightened but it didn’t need more to Seungmin see him when he had already memorized each flutter of his lashes.
And Seungmin did notice the word again.
“Why are you awake, Hyunjin?” Are you okay?
“Couldn’t sleep today,” Hyunjin sighed, his eyes gazing at the view outside.
“It makes us two,”
There was something going on, Seungmin could feel it and he knew it. If it was by his eyes who didn’t yet dare to look into Seungmin’s—which it hurt him because he could be read just by looking at them. Or if it was because Hyunjin never lingered, most of all he was a direct person, where he would say his opinion straight away. So, his stalling was obvious and it did worry him.
“Seungmin,”
“Hm?” Seungmin replied hesitantly, the breeze not washing anything but making him shiver now.
“Do you remember our first day?” Our. Of course I remember, it was when I fell in love met you for the first time, “I showed you where to put your things and even organized the whole house–”
“Organized and Hyunjin in the same phrase I would doubt it,” Seungmin mocked.
“Shut up, you idiot. I’m trying to make a point,” Hyunjin warned. “I organized the whole house for you but you didn’t say a thing. Yet, I decided to keep trying because this could be your own way of making friends and it’s okay, really,”
He paused, waiting for a reaction from Seungmin or waiting for something, but his eyes were looking directly into Hyunjin’s brown iris. Not looking away but expectantly. Hyunjin took the hint to continue.
“Then we got around so you could get used to the university,” Yes, again, Seungmin remembers. That’s when Hyunjin showed him the orange grove. And he would never tell him that he wouldn’t ever step his feet there again. He hated those oranges. “When we got one of the oranges that was the first time you said something, with me at least.”
“It wasn’t like I didn’t want to but I didn’t know how to,” Seungmin uttered, because he remembered it all. He remembered how his walls were plain, his side of the room with nothing out of a bed, bedside table and drawers. Waiting. Waiting for someone to color them. Unfortunately Hyunjin had chosen the wrong person for that. But Seungmin tried, taking his clothes from the suitcase, his comic books and putting his photo frame on the table.
Until Hyunjin decided to show him the university hallways, its classes and the cafeteria. Seungmin just listened while Hyunjin talked, his voice calming and excited telling him what he had missed from his lost month, gesticulating with his hands passionately. He thought Hyunjin was so interesting in the way he expressed himself. Sure, that later, he found more wonderful arts that he could do.
Until Hyunjin took him to his favorite place and least to Seungmin. The courtyard with orange trees. He looked amazed, Hyunjin spitting about how he loved their color and how they stood out from the green leaves, how he loved their shapes and how they fitted in his hand, he loved how they reminded him of the summer.
However, out of everything, he hated oranges. He hated how you could smell them a mile from distance, staining its scent anywhere and everywhere, how pure they looked hanging from the branches, being free just from one push. Somewhere in his thoughts, Seungmin realized, his feelings towards oranges weren’t about hatred but envy. That’s why he chuckled, he laughed at his own stupidity.
“I know, I know that now,” Hyunjin said with a grin playing on his lips, resting his chin on his right hand. “But it still felt like a win, you showing just a little bit of yourself to me.”
Hyunjin, finally, had looked at Seungmin. Really looked at him, from his feet up his head. His eyes were shining, not from the moonlight reflecting on his eyes, but glassy. His moth hanging a grin with every muscle. But Seungmin noticed how his eyes were just two millimeters wider than usual, worried.
Oh.
Don’t.
‘Please do not cry’ Seungmin thought, praying, wishing. Because he never had seen him cry and he didn’t expect to. Not now or ever. He could handle being yelled at, he could handle Hyunjin being mad at him, being angry and blaming him. But he couldn’t handle a crying Hyunjin right in front of him, with Seungmin being the subject.
Seungmin should’ve known, he should’ve figured it out that this conversation would lead to this. Of course Hyunjin would have a break point over their lost relationship. And he did that, Seungmin all himself was to blame.
“Hyunjin, plea-”
“I- I’m sorry, Seungmin,” Hyunjin interrupted, looking at him again.
“Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong, I swear it’s me myself and I only,” Seungmin said almost like a plea, trying to make his words reach their meaning because he really meant what he said. It wasn’t Hyunjin’s fault but his own misery.
“I did. I stepped over the line and you pulled me away,”
“No, you did–“
“Yes I did,” Hyunjin assured. “I saw this as a time for both of us to look at different things, keep our distance and think thoroughly. But I saw you often alone, with sad looking eyes, I’m genuinely worried about you.”
Seungmin heard Hyunjin's loud gulp, his eyes flickering to the floor and Seungmin’s ones. His chest hurt, like he had a heart attack and came back to life. It hurts to physically breathe. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to touch him on his cheek and tell him he is okay, he wanted to hold his hand and never let go. Seungmin wanted to be by his side and didn't ever let Hyunjin worry anymore. But he wouldn’t.
“I’m okay, Hyunjin. No need to worry,” Seungmin tried to argue, trying to sound reasonable.
“No, you’re not. We’ve been around each other for two years, I can tell you’re not okay Seungmin-ah,” Hyunjin muttered, desperate in his tone.
Honestly, no one had ever asked him this. Neither did Seungmin fully know the answer, he has been for years making his mind to stop thinking about himself, that maybe, he has lost a part of himself a while ago. Seungmin can’t answer the question truly, because he doesn’t know what he feels anymore. With too much and nothing battling simultaneously.
“You can talk to me,”
Seungmin feels like the first time they met, not knowing how to.
“I don’t know,” Seungmin bursted while looking at the floor, he couldn’t look him in the eyes now, not when embarrassment could be seen in his face even with the lights turned off.
“Hum, it’s okay. It’s a good start,” Hyunjin said , “Can you maybe try to make me understand what you don’t know?”
In his head, the words flowed like a tide on a rainy day. But in reality, his mouth was closed without letting a single word out. Hyunjin looked at him, with those brown eyes, blinking just a bit too fast for his normal and with a soft furrow between his brows that Seungmin would always recognize when they were studying amd thought he was going to fail the subject: worry.
Seungmin felt the corner of his eyes preaching so much that it hurt, his tongue lose from the taste of metal on his tongue. And for once, he wished that a girl like Hyunjin could love him. Because Hyunjin is funny, he will be the first person to come at you when needed, he will clean your tears away and give soft kisses after, he wants to show the world the partner he is with so they can never be separated. He is just like that, a carefree and lovable person. Seungmin envy’s the person who gets to be in a relationship with him.
“Today makes four years since my father died,” Seungmin spoke, his throat dry.
“Oh,” Hyunjin was shocked for a total of five seconds, Seungmin never had mentioned to anyone the presence of his father. “I’m sorry,”
“Thank you,” Seungmin sighed.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hyunjin asked, with a soft whisper.
“I don’t know,” Seungmin wanted to cry.
“Okay,” He nodded. “Whenever you want to talk about it or anything, you can come to me. I will try my best to listen to you or to comfort if you want,”
Again, Hyunjin being so soft and gentle towards him makes his heart squeeze. Honestly, Seungmin was forever grateful to him, even if he managed to survive when Hyunjin wasn’t in his life, he doesn’t know how he could live without it. Sure, Seungmin has been avoiding him in any circumstance. Yet, his eyes still linger on him when Seungmin can’t sleep, yet his hands ache for their brush again, to their fingertips touch secretly.
“Also, if you feel like my help isn’t in the way you need, we can try to find a therapist for you,” Hyunjin continued, exhaling slowly at the end. “I- I just think you may need to talk to someone,”
Out of everything and everyone, even his mother, Hyunjin was the first person to suggest that. He never thought of it, neither he thought going to therapy was for the crazy ones because he knew a woman in his family neighborhood who frequented group therapy—his father always said she only had to pray that God and the Saints would show her the way. Seungmin had found out accidentally when he drove her home once.
Seungmin lived too much on his head, that he knew. But he never thought of it as a real problem until he couldn’t sleep at his usual anymore. Even though, he thinks it can go away with just waiting a couple of weeks more.
“I will think about it,” Seungmin assured, and he would. If that could take away the pain in Hyunjin’s face, he would give it a try.
“Okay,” Hyunjin grinned, the smile reaching his eyes, “Oh, wait here, I have something for you,”
Seungmin saw him stand up and walk to the bedroom again, he felt a sudden shiver down his spine, he tried to gulp but his throat was dry. He could hear Hyunjin opening something, metal and maybe jar sounds coming out of the bedroom. Then, he steps out of the room, this time his feet going faster and harder on the floor, making it easier for Seungmin to calculate his emotions.
“Uhm, well,” Hyunjin sat on his heels, with his arms behind his back, holding something, his posture bouncing back and forth from anxiety. “It wasn’t intentional, I swear, but once I woke up because I was thirsty and I was going to get water but when I opened the door I suddenly saw you here, in the same spot as now and you were drawing something, at first I didn’t recognize but then I kept watching you make them, and they were really sweet-”
Seungmin wasn’t mad for the little invasion of his private space, but surprised Hyunjin kept staring at him with such intensity and curiosity. He should’ve known though this could happen because as much as he acts nonchalant, Hyunjin is quite observant, at least to him.
“-And your eyes, your eyes weren’t with the expression you’ve had for the past weeks. They shined. So I thought I could make it something to you,” Hyunjin’s rambled, moving his arms to his front and forward, showing it to Seungmin. “I- I don’t know what they exactly mean to you, but you seemed to like them,”
Hyunjin said the last sentence in a tiny whisper, but to his ears they were loud and clear.
Seungmin felt his throat dry like eating sand from the desert, his breath got faster and his eyes went wide. It felt like trying to breathe underwater, almost drowning. He really did pay attention to Seungmin that much?
Seungmin wanted to scream, wanted to say something, do something but his mind was full of words he couldn’t say out loud. The fact Hyunjin made them thinking of him was kind of ironic, if his face showed anything more than disgust from himself or if his eyes glowed differently or if Seungmin seemed to like them, it was all about Hyunjin. It would always be about him. And he did these star origami’s thinking of Seungmin, with his own emotions, it was all laying bare for him. Hyunjin was adorable. He couldn’t think otherwise. His hands had made those stars, his careful fingers tipped each piece of paper, thinking of Seungmin.
Seungmin didn’t want to accept it, touch it. He thinks it will ruin everything, it will ruin the magic, it will contaminate the beauty of the present. However, he would never in his life decline a special gift from him. He still stared, his eyes fixed on his hand holding the jar in front of him, the stars illuminated by the moonlight outside. Until seungmin followed along, slowly, the pajamas rolling on his arms, his clavicle visible by the collar, his neck with its Adam apples wobbling, and his face. Hyunjin's gaze was firm, pointing straight into his pupils and breathing heavily before saying, “I love you. You don’t have to love me back, I know this can mess up our friendship but I wanted to be selfish this time.”
Silence. That’s what happens. Seungmin can’t answer that. Seungmin can’t believe in that. Seungmin can’t think of that. Seungmin can’t. What.
“Wh-what?”
“I like you,” Hyunjin firmly said.
“Yes, b-but as friends right?” Seungmin wishes.
“No, romantically Seungmin,” he blinked, Hyunjin’s gaze dropping down, realizing he still hasn’t taken the jar out of his hand, “I care about you, I worry about you, my heart skips for you. All of it, because of you.”
He shouldn’t. Seungmin is not supposed to be desirable to be loved or even deserve such treatment and feelings from him. Or anyone. He can’t be like them. He can’t like them. He is being punished, he is a walking earth sin. He’s not supposed to be here anymore, he should just be with his father.
But he looks down again to the little gift which he still hasn’t taken away from Hyunjin’s hand, and he wants to grab it, open it, feel the texture of the paper on his hands, feel for the first time what he wanted to feel those past years.
“But I-I can’t like boys,” Seungmin mumbled, more to himself, assuring.
“Oh,” Hyunjin murmured, not disappointed but with care on his tone, which only made Seungmin’s heart clench with want and fear while he stepped closer. “Why not?”
“I’m condemned, I pray God will forgive me for doing it so,” his voice was low, mumbling his dirty secret.
“Seungmin, look at me,” Hyunjin asked, not demanding but almost like a plea. “You’re allowed to feel however you want to, towards anyone you want to,”
“Not to God’s eyes,” Not to my father’s eyes.
“Oh Seungmin-ah, your feelings are not wrong, whatever you feel towards someone is okay, it’s completely fine,” Hyunjin hummed.
“No, I’m a sinner, Hyunjin,” That. He had said it out loud, because he was. He finally said it to someone. Since he was a child, to his first kiss and now from him liking Hyunjin, he is making the same mistakes one after the other. He is his father's deception.
“Seungmin, do you think I’m a sinner?”
He couldn’t answer that.
“Do you think my feelings for you are in any way wrong? Because I will keep loving you, it doesn’t change anything,”
“Of course not!” Seungmin exasperated, because he couldn’t think that a feeling so pure of him could be argued as wrong.
“Then why does it have to be different for you? If you like men or women, you’re still Kim Seungmin. You’re still my mischievous but funny and sweetest best friend,”
“B-but I-I—“ Seungmin couldn’t finish, his eyes couldn’t trace each curve of Hyunjin’s face, he couldn’t see which expression he held. His own vision blurred, he felt the drops dropping onto his lap, wetting the fabric of his pants. However, now he could see the light purple coming from one of the stars. His ears were late to capture the little noises he was making, his throat pilling up with saliva.
“Oh, Seungmin-ah, you can cry, it’s okay,” Hyunjin’s voice melted to his ears, it felt like dripping honey with each word, Seungmin finally took the small transparent glass with its full content, it was colorful. Little stars with circles drawn in green, another with purple stripes, one totally blue. He trembled as he turned around the pot. It was indeed beautiful.
Hyunjin came closer, taking one of his sleeves and wiping the wet trails on Seungmin’s cheek, but Seungmin’s eyes kept making more and more tears. Hyunjin’s hand rested on his left cheek, it was warm. Maybe too warm. He felt like burning. And that broke his heart even more. How can a simple touch, a gentle and calm hand on his cheek, reassuring him in place, be wrong? Why did it have to be out of God’s mercy to love someone? He didn’t understand. Because he loves Hyunjin, and he likes the way it burns.
Seungmin sniffed—trying not to be too gross if a snot came out of this messy situation—when he smelled the cologne from Hyunjin’s wrist. It smelled citrusy, fresh and it was strong. Like something old he had, memories coming in a second late, orange. Of course he would use that damn orange cologne. It somehow held his pieces together, like a pillow under his head. It reminded him how good it felt when he kissed his first boy under the orange tree, how free it was. Seungmin felt relieved, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel totally guilty when Hyunjin was right in front of him, taking care of him, looking at him like Seungmin belonged here. In place and touch.
Seungmin looked at Hyunjin, to his eyes where he could see now their dark brown, to his cheeks that held a light pink, his hair remained the same in a beautiful black and his lips– his lips held the perfect natural salmon tint. When he made eye contact with him again, Hyunjin was looking at Seungmin's lips. His own mouth.
Seungmin didn’t remember how they got so close, maybe it was while he was crying or it was since the beginning when it felt like a whole garden between them, but now Hyunjin’s shallow breaths from his nose would brush on Seungmin’s skin. As always, his heart beat faster around him, but now with a hint of expectation, something he didn’t have before. Something he wasn’t allowed to even breathe on the thought of it. Hyunjin’s eyes lift to his again, glassy, glowing, dark. “Can I kiss you?”
Seungmin got just a centimeter closer, resting their noses together, letting them feel their presence. Mouths hanging slightly open, their breaths slowly brushing on them. Seungmin wanted to feel this—him, the feel of being able to just for this night, be his teenager self experimenting and experiencing his bit of freedom. So when he closes the bare millimeter between them, his eyes are still open, searching for denial, deception, in Hyunjin’s eyes or to anyone else in the room. He doesn’t move further, just stays there, waiting.
Hyunjin opens his eyes, looking at Seungmin’s brown irises blinking once, twice, while his eyes shift, revealing a proud grin that squeezed them. No one was there to see or judge them, it was just Seungmin and Hyunjin, who looked at him fondly, permission playing in his eyes and not whispering a word, waiting for his mind to realign with his heart. So he accepted, choosing himself and his own desires in their small apartment, their own world.
Seungmin closed his eyes, moving gradually his lips onto Hyunjin’s, getting used to the sensation of his soft hydrated lips, to his cherry chapstick before getting to bed, to his citric perfume that at this closed distance was inebriating his senses. They moved slowly, building their pace together, to Seungmin this was something that rested deep on his mind, it was a fantasy he thought he would be condemned to forever. In this moment, he doesn’t have to pretend but to savor every inch of Hyunjin.
A sudden shiver crossed his spine, something he once had, that he had buried a long while, a hunger from his bones. His hands had let go from the gift at some point, so his right hand cupped Hyunjin’s neck, steading both in place, in reality. His palm was so warm against his skin, like he was running a fever. Seungmin wanted to get close, he wanted to light the fire above his touch, he wanted more more more. His left hand secretly placed on Hyunjin’s waist, pushing him closer, deepening the kiss.
Seungmin sucked Hyunjin’s plumped bottom lip, biting lightly, taking care it won’t hurt. The moan it came from his throat felt like music to his ears, Seungmin already was addicted to Hwang Hyunjin, now he would know what was to take him directly. Each sound smearing into his eardrums. Until they parted slightly, catching their breaths, when they made eye contact again, he couldn’t differentiate the iris from the pupil, desire being written all over his face, that’s when it hit Seungmin, he had been wanting the same as him, maybe more more more just like him.
He crawled to his lap, angling himself above Seungmin with his arms hanging on his shoulders, when his chest wasn’t moving up and down like crazy, a wild playful smile formed on his lips before speaking again, “If I knew you were such a good kisser I would’ve done this ages ago,”
“You have seen nothing, Hyunjin-ah,” Seungmin chuckles, because neither did he know what he could do now that it was all exposed to him. Now that the truth was revealed, he finally could let his hands wander along Hyunjin’s body, the tip of his nails being a bit too long that it could be heard the scratch on his clothes. His left hand moved upper, caressing Hyunjin’s to his scapula, then shoulders and arms. He felt hypnotized at how Hyunjin's breath hitched each time he moved places, another note Seungmin would remember.
Seungmin kissed him again, faster, desperate rising to its surface. He didn’t care to be right, he didn’t care if it was wrong, it was messy, that’s what it is now. It’s their mouths searching each other when they gasp for air and collapsing together again like they missed this, missed one another. Which was true.
When Seungmin felt the sudden grip on his collar, he understood the desperation came from Hyunjin too. His mouth gaped wider, welcoming Seungmin’s tongue gently while he placed his hands on Seungmin’s hair, pushing some strands every now and then. He swallowed each moan that escaped from his throat while he continued to explore Hyunjin’s body. This time, he reached the hem of his pajamas, the tip of his fingertips brushing against Hyunjin’s skin. So warm warm warm. It made Seungmin dizzy, his mind spinning with lack of oxygen and with the heat on his palm.
Hyunjin mirrored him, both breathing heavily. He gripped his hips pushing him, so every body part of theirs would be shared with each other. Seungmin let out a soft whine when he felt, for a second, a sudden friction of Hyunjin’s ass to his lap. He wouldn’t freak out now, that he had never done this entirely, that he never had touched himself properly, but he wanted to take this slow. So slow that besides warmth, he wanted to feel the shivers that rose on his body.
Seungmin scented the fresh from the cologne, burying his nose at Hyunjin’s clavicle, feeling his lungs with air, breathing into his skin. It smelled just like an orange, the scent identical that he wanted to mark him. He felt Hyunjin startled a little, but kept sucking at that same spot, until when he looked at it, the round dot was a crescent red. It was Seungmin who had done that, it wasn’t any other girl or boy Hyunjin could’ve met but himself. He wanted to make more.
His hands grabbed the hem of his pajamas again, playing with the fabric until he stole another touch. Now spreading his whole hand on his back, drawing each bone and muscle he could feel, it was so firm, so beautiful. Hyunjin was beautiful beautiful, “So beautiful,” he murmured into his ear, feeling how the shivers erected Hyunjin’s fine hairs down to his sacrum.
When his hands moved, so did his mouth, sucking and kissing along his neck, deepening the marks when between breaths Hyunjin would let out long whimpers. It was too much, Seungmin couldn’t think straight anymore, he kept following the kisses until he reached behind Hyunjin’s ear, licking over it. He couldn’t know now which moans were Hyunjin’s or himself, because as soon as the tip of his teeth scratched his ear lobe, he thrusted into his lap immediately.
Seungmin had to stop for a second, a shiver running down his spine with the friction. He sure was hard on his pants, but precisely today he chose to not wear underwear because he wasn’t feeling like it, simply. So only the thin fabric of his pajama pants was the barrier between his bulge and Hyunjin’s.
“Seungmin-ah,” Hyunjin pleaded, “Ca-can I hump on you?”
Oh, God. He would certainly die, from calling God in this circumstance and from Hyunjin asking him like that. “Mmh, sure,” please.
Seungmin placed his hand on his hip, just laying there, letting Hyunjin move himself on his thigh. He wasn’t touching himself, Hyunjin wasn’t touching him, just pulling the shirt on his shoulders, but Seungmin groaned loud. Hyunjin was rolling his hips back and forth, his dick being visibly hard on his pajama pants too. He was really desperate, friction was hard enough that Seungmin could feel his dick on his thigh.
Seungmin had never felt or done anything like it, he wanted to keep this forever. He started to kiss Hyunjin’s clavicle again, licking each spot he had made, earning a different whine each time he pressed his lips against his sensitive skin, leaving traces of saliva along his collarbone. And just because he could, just because he wanted, just because he felt alive, he bit on his jugular, with care but intent of leaving at least a wide mark on it.
“Ah!” Hyunjin groaned, Tears preached in the corner of his eyes, but as Seungmin leaned away a little to see him entirely, his eyes gaze was completely dark. He had marked Hyunjin. He felt proud. The taste of his skin, his sweat, still lingered on his tongue, and he wanted to taste every forbidden part of him.
Seungmin moved his right hand to move Hyunjin’s hair out of his eyes, because of the sweat dripping from his forehead, every strand of hair was stuck on it. Hyunjin was perfect, his tan skin glowing in the moonlight. His nails dug into Seungmin’s shoulders, going faster and moaning shamelessly. He caught Hyunjin’s mouth again, kissing sloppy, swallowing each other's whimpers, saliva dripping to his chin.
Hyunjin mindlessly thrusted directly onto his dick, making Seungmin groan instantly, he had been drunk on everything about the man in front of him that he had forgotten about himself. His own erection hurting on his pants, he wanted Hyunjin to move there again, at that same spot. So he used his hand that was still on his waist and tried his best to angle him towards that friction again. Hyunjin still rolled his hips back and forth, it was kind of difficult to move him, but as soon as he looked up and opened his mouth to burst out anything, he moved.
Seungmin moaned, frantically, he had been waiting for so long that he wanted to cry. He started to thrust against Hyunjin, their cocks brushing and touching together. Seungmin was getting loose in his grip, his hand felt sweaty. So he placed both hands on his waist, trying to match Hyunjin’s pace, the bubble of pleasure on his stomach building with each thrust. The reality that their cocks weren’t really touching because of the thin fabric between them, made his imagination even better.
“Seungmi- baby, I-I’m coming,” Hyunjin claimed. They breathed heavily, their chests going up and down so fast that you could mistake them for a heart attack, but they never broke contact. The little nickname ‘baby’ was engraved on his mind, he rushed the pace, heat rising, reaching his orgasm. Seungmin was close too.
It didn’t take long for them to have a final stroke, seeing white spots in his vision while they came apart, hopefully everyone would be sleeping because Seungmin only now had realized, the damn window had its crack open.
Seungmin opened his eyes, looking at an undone Hyunjin, the vision deserving of a painting in a museum. He was still painting as they tried to fill their lungs with oxygen, afraid they had sucked all of it before. With the back of his hand, he tried to clean Hyunjin, at least his face. Hyunjin looked at him without blinking once, afraid he might disappear.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Hyunjin pondered, “I-i just want to know if you’re okay?”
“Uhum, I think so,” Seungmin tried, and honestly, at the moment he really thinks he is okay. If tomorrow he will freak out or want some space, that’s a problem for his future self only. Right now he wanted to get cleaned out of his sticky mess. “And you?”
“I’m okay too,” thankfully, “Uh.. do you want to shower together or would you rather spend time alone?”
One of the things Seungmin realized, he loves to be in Hyunjin’s care, if it was a simple gesture as leaving him alone or pampering him right now. “Yes,”
Hyunjin looked at him with clearly a question mark on his thoughts, “Earth to Seungmin, earth to seun–“
“Shut up idiot,” Seungmin hissed, the pink rising on his cheeks again, “I want to shower with you,”
He didn’t know why he was shy at the question, maybe this showed that it wasn’t a fantasy he made in his head while writing those paper stars, maybe this was really the reality he could live in. It felt different, less suffocating but still scary. He is used to a lot of things in his life being just the way they are, but changing it now, will change perspectives of himself, of his childhood, and his future.
But if he could dream, he would dream with a future of him being happy. And Hyunjin really did make him happy, as of before or now. A beautiful life together, with a small house close to an orange courtyard, so they could lay there, smelling the humidity of the grass together.
As they stood up, they tried to keep balance on their feet as their legs were still weak, and if they were holding hands while heading to the bathroom, that was one more secret Seungmin would keep to himself. He had only noticed now that Hyunjin’s pajamas were in orange and pink, his pants were with a dark spot sure but the vivid colors were still there. Seungmin really liked colors.
As they entered the bathroom, it was quite tight for two people to shower together, and Seungmin said yes to the question because he wanted to be by his side. However, he had forgotten that to take a shower they would have to be naked. And that was just too much, too intimate for him to take, even if he was a grown adult, he never did this, neither with his old girlfriend, they washed quickly—separated— making this an anxious situation.
“It’s okay Seungmin-ah, look, while you shower I can turn around and vice versa. I promise I won’t look,”
He wouldn’t doubt Hyunjin, he knew when he made promises he would stick to his word. He wasn’t questioning that but his own ability to not panic at any given opportunity. The lights were still off, embracing the moment, the door slightly open if he wanted to shake his reality, forget what happened. Which he couldn’t even if he wanted. “Okay, I will go first,”
It accidentally was his fastest shower in his life, washing his skin, getting the greasy out of him, he could see the marks of Hyunjin’s nails on his shoulders. His fingers touched slowly the harmed skin, flinching a little, he liked the way it hurt. When the water had stopped running, Hyunjin had enough time to bring a new set of clothes to him, leaving it on the toilet lid. The gesture made his heart flutter, like he was a teenager again.
“You can turn now,” Seungmin said as him fully clothed and well clean, changed places with Hyunjin, his turn to now turn around. And for a brief moment, Seungmin could see clearly how pretty Hyunjin was. He could hear the sound that the fabric made while sliding out his upper body, imagining how is must be his chest, the color of his skin there, then the sound of his pants falling, Seungmin’s mind wandered how it must be his thighs, his groin, the veins it could have. And Seungmin noted the absence of sound of underwear’s too, so that meant he–
“Actually I will wait outside,” Seungmin spluttered, closing the door behind him, he would go crazy if he waited a minute longer. He walked to the living room, organizing his stuff while he waited. That’s when he saw the glass again, he took it carefully to not fall on the floor, wrapping it up on his arms all the way to the bedroom, where he displayed on the top of his bedside table, a new reminder. His forgiveness.
When Hyunjin got back, him too had a different set of pajamas, yet Seungmin was shocked to realize it was another set with the same pattern, he must really like oranges, all of this time, he wants to know more about with which colors Hyunjin saw in his life, and maybe this was his first step.
“Seungmin-ah come here,” Hyunjin asked, patting the spot on his single bed.
Seungmin shyly walked towards him, laying down beside Hyunjin. It felt awkward because they never had slept together like this, but still comfortable, being able to smell him on his pillow, his body deepening further on the bed. Seungmin turned around, even in the dark he could see his bright eyes, and they looked at him with so much love, before giving him a peck on his lips and setting his face onto Seungmin’s chest, hugging him by the waist. “Good night, Seungmin-ah,”
“Good night, Hyunjin,” Seungmin claimed, smelling the shampoo on his hair, hugging him back. And even if the sun would be up in a few hours, disturbing their space, at least he would see the blue sky again, waiting for Hyunjin after classes, so they could walk together, eat together and get back to their cozy world together. And maybe, he could write something to his mother, how he wanted to be alive with her, if meant that he could be happy.