Chapter Text
Soonyoung can still feel the rain tapping on his shoulder, taste his salty tears mixed with the rain, hear the endless roaring of thunder, smell the choking mixture of the wet earth and flowers, feel the words he wrote the night before to honor his true love coming out of his mouth as everyone else looked at him and see Jihoon—beautiful Jihoon—lying motionless in his casket.
I'm sorry, Jihoon.
Soonyoung has always known. He knew that the time will come no matter how much he tried to save him. He tried so hard and almost brought him back, but Jihoon didn't want to fight anymore, didn't want to suffer any longer.
"Soonyoung," Jihoon whispered. Soonyoung's head shot up from the papers he was holding and looked at Jihoon.
"Yes, love?" Soonyoung asked with a slight frown.
"I don't want to do this anymore," he said with a sad smile. "Let's stop. We both know how this will end. And I don't want you to waste your life taking care of me and worrying about me." He lifted a hand and massaged away Soonyoung's furrowed brows.
Soonyoung sighed. "No, Jihoon. I love you and I'll do anything for you."
"And you have. You have done everything that you can. But it's time to let go," he paused, bringing some air back into his lungs. "My family already has and i'm happy that they have. My brothers and sister have a life ahead of them. And my parents have yet to see them grow."
"But, Jihoon—"
"Soonyoung." Jihoon's hands caressed his face and smiled at him. "Please. I'm not worth it."
His secretary knocked on his door and entered the room cautiously. Minghao had an apologetic smile on his face.
"I'm sorry, Soonyoung hyung. But your father is here," he informed Soonyoung with a sheepish smile.
Soonyoung closed his eyes. It's too early for this bullshit. He massaged his temples and when he opened his eyes, Minghao was still standing there awkwardly.
"Should I tell him you're busy?"
"No, let him in," he sighs. "As if I have a choice," he mumbles under his breath.
Minghao bows slightly and exits his office. A few moments later, his father walked in. He also had that sad smile on his face. People around him seem to always have that on their faces these days.
"Hey, Soonyoung," his father called softly, surprising him. He nods as if acknowledging the call of his name.
"What are you doing here, Father?" Soonyoung asks. "Aren't you supposed to teach Soonyi noona how to handle the company and all that?"
"Yes, but I thought I'd swing by and check up on you before I go to work," he explains.
Soonyoung doesn't know what to feel about that. It's not like his sick or something. He should be the one checking up on his father since he's the one who treats sick people. There's an awkward silence before his father speaks up again.
"How are you doing, Soonyoung?"
"I'm fine," he says automatically. "The hospital is doing well."
The man before him has that look on his face again just like everyone else that visits him. Pity. "I meant how are you doing? How are you holding up?"
Soonyoung almost rolls his eyes. "I'm fine, Father," he snaps. "I'm fine," he repeats, mostly to himself.
His father stays silent. And Soonyoung thinks he's dropped the subject.
"Jihoon wouldn't want you to sulk like this, you know?"
Of course. Why is he not surprised? His father is guilt tripping him again. But what does he know? What would he know when he despised Jihoon? He wanted Jihoon to disappear and it happened a few times. But Soonyoung is stubborn and he will always bring Jihoon back into his life even if his Father doesn't like the idea of his only precious son being gay.
Soonyoung fists curl into his slacks. "What would you know?" He mumbles under his breath. "I'm fine, Father. Really. Now, please, go and let me do my job," he said with his eyes closed while trying to even his breathing.
His father finally stood up after staring at him for a few seconds. "Okay. I'm here if you need me, Soonyoung."
Soonyoung scoffed. Lies.
"Yeah, sure."
Then his father is out the door, leaving him to his thoughts again.
"Soonyoung, please, stop torturing yourself," his sister utters. They were standing outside Jihoon's room, right beside the window by the door.
Soonyi looks tired. She just came from the office and she goes to the hospital as soon as she could everyday to visit her little brother and Jihoon. Wrinkles are surrounding her feline eyes despite being only thirty-three, her high cheekbones look the same though they're also wrinkled, her thin lips are still as red and her small face has quite sunken over time. The workload she's getting is taking a toll on her pretty face.
"I will never," he replies, determined. "I will save him, noona. I will do anything to save him. He's the love of my life and I won't let him go."
"Look at him, Soonyoung. Look at Jihoon. He's suffering. You need to let go. I know it's hard to let go of someone you have cared and loved for so long, but you have to know when to let go and move on." Soonyi's voice falters at the end.
She knows what it feels like to lose someone so important, to feel like you'll never be happy again. She knows it so well. Soonyi had a miscarriage. Soonyoung was there when it happened. She wanted her little brother, her best friend to be there with her. She didn't want his husband anywhere near her at that moment. For he was the very reason why she was there in the first place. And Soonyoung hated him, loathed him with all his being.
"But this is different, noona."
"How is it any different, Soonyoung?" She retorts. "They're both in a critical condition. They both have problems in their lungs. They both fought and suffered for so long. And it ended where it's supposed to end." She shakes Soonyoung's shoulders. "You're not a god, Soonyoung. You can't just extend his life or dictate where it ends."
"Neither can any of you," he sobs because she's right. They are all right. He knows it's time, but he just can't let go and move on. He spent his life loving and caring for Jihoon. When he's gone, he doesn't know how to live life anymore. Jihoon is his lifeline. When he dies, he might as well take Soonyoung with him because that's what it would feel like. He'll have that empty hole in his heart and soul. He'll just be a lifeless soul wandering in this hell of a life.
Soonyi wraps her arms around her brother and whispers comforting words into his ears. "It's okay, Youngie. Noona is here." She petted his hair as he sobbed into her neck. "Hush, it'll be alright, I promise."
Soonyoung would have collapsed there on the cold hard floor of the hospital if it weren't for his sister. His knees felt like jelly and his body felt cold despite the summer heat surrounding the building.
Soonyoung continued to sob in Soonyi's arms. He can't stop them even if he wanted to. Some people have passed by and looked at them weirdly, not used to the sight of a doctor crying in someone's arms instead of the other way around.
Jihoon watched them from the window as he lied on his bed. He clutched his chest and tried to stop his tears from falling. He can't bear seeing Soonyoung so broken. He hasn't seen his bright and happy Soonyoung in a while and it's hurts him.
The monitors inside his room beeped like crazy. His heart rate was spiking and his lungs burned. The tears blurred his vision but he can decipher Soonyoung's silhouette burst through the door and run to his bed.
"Jihoon! Jihoon! Stay with me, Jihoon!" He heard Soonyoung exclaim. "Breathe, Jihoon, breathe. Please," Soonyoung sobs as he held Jihoon's hands.
Jihoon can feel the air being sucked out of his body despite the oxygen mask that he's wearing. He can feel the burning sensation in his throat as his sobs got louder. The tears continued to fall and they won't stop. He can feel Soonyoung's hand on his cheek, wiping his tears. He looks at the other's eyes through blurry vision. Soonyoung is also crying. His eyes are red and puffy and his cheeks are tearstained. Jihoon takes the suffocating mask off. He reaches out and caresses Soonyoung's face. He smiles and mouths 'I love you'. Then, the beeping machines, the burning in his throat, the tears flowing down his cheeks, Soonyoung, they all fade into the background. They were all white noise until there is nothing. No pain, no air, no light, no burning—nothing. Just pure darkness everywhere. Jihoon figures maybe this is what death feels like. Then he's falling into an endless cliff. He can't feel, see nor hear where he's going. He just kept falling. It feels like he's floating while falling at the same time. He closed his eyes and let whatever force is pulling him take him away.