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“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
The question felt unreal to Roman. It was something that sounded straight out of a nightmare, nine words that should’ve been lost in translation somewhere in the space between him and Logan, but the logical Side had been clear and concise as ever in his inquiry.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
They had been arguing about something stupid, the way they seemed to do every time they crossed paths lately. Gone were the days where they could co-exist in peace, maybe even call each other friends, exchanged for narrowed eyes and barbed tongues. This was never what Roman wanted from his relationship with Logan, he wanted to make peace with the other Side, maybe even conjure a new friendship from the rubble of their seemingly ruined one. Yet, they had once again found themselves at odds over something that was slipping Roman’s memory by the second, all thoughts of the disagreement overshadowed by Logan’s question, those damned words spoken with a straight face and only the slightest quiver in his voice, those damned words that were now echoing over and over in Roman’s mind.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
Roman knew what he wanted to say, a thousand thoughts on the matter that merged together into one stream of consciousness that he struggled to pick apart.
I don’t know how I would be able to live without blaming myself for your death. It would be my fault if you went through with it, wouldn’t it be? How many times have I been the one to take an argument too far, Logan? I know I dwell on all the times you’ve hurt me, but what about all the times I’ve hurt you? Have I pushed you to the edge? How would I be able to live with that knowledge?
God, Roman hoped the question was hypothetical, that Logan was using the Mindscape’s most weighted topic to give himself the upper hand in that day’s figurative battle.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
I would break, Logan. I wouldn’t be able to move on. I’d be left with nothing but regret over how everything unfolded between us. That would be the legacy of our relationship, Logan. Please don’t leave us like that. Please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to leave me, please. I know we never get along anymore but please, I don’t think I can handle you leaving me. Please. Please, please, please, Logan. Please stay. I don’t think I can do this without you. I know I never act like it and I know I’m nothing but a royal pain in the ass to you, but please, you still matter to me. I would be broken if you ducked out. Please don’t do it. Please.
There was an ache in his chest that told him it wasn’t. It was a pain that wrapped tendrils around his heart and left him with the heavy weight of knowing Logan meant it, even if he didn’t know if he meant it or not. The inquiry wasn’t hypothetical, it was a test of how Roman would react to a painfully real possibility.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
I’d beg you to stay, and if you won’t even after that, I would bargain and plead with every inner working of the mind to bring you back. If you leave, it’s because I failed you. I know you think I’m stupid, that I would never deduct that on my own, but I know it, Logan. I know your reason to leave would be my failure as a friend. I’ve already failed everyone else in my life, I can’t fail you too. I’ve hurt Janus and Virgil, I’ve let Patton and Thomas down, I’ve pushed Remus away. I ruin everything I love, and I will not add you to my list of failures and fucked up moments that stripped me of my title as a hero. I need you. I love you, Logan. I fucking love you.
“I'd move on.”
I wouldn’t. I’d forever be stuck right where you left me, wondering what I could’ve done differently to stop you, and hating myself for everything I did and didn’t do in your presence. I would never move on, Logan. Not from you. Never from you.
“And probably forget about you.”
I never would. You would always live on in my mind. You’re someone I would kill myself to never forget. I would rather die myself than forget your face or the sound of your voice.
Logan’s shoulders slumped, the tension that had grown in them dissolving. Roman could see the spark leave his eyes, and he immediately wished he could take back his words. He didn’t mean them, they were a knee-jerk reaction that he understood all too well, a sharp defense against spilling his guts. He had been afraid to be vulnerable even with the heaviness of the moment in consideration, terrified of what he would say if he shared the storm of thoughts rampaging his mind, and ended up giving Logan the worst possible response in return.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
God, Roman was a fool. He was an absolutely and unbelievably idiotic fool, and he had just ruined everything in eight simple words.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
Logan’s disappointment died down almost as soon as it was brought on. “Okay...okay...I understand,” he said softly, a slight quiver held on every note and his eyes darting anywhere they could to avoid locking on Roman’s, before the logical Side turned on his heel and walked away without another word, leaving Roman and his regrets frozen in his wake.
“What would you do if I ducked out tomorrow?”
As he watched Logan disappear from view, fading from a tiny dot on the horizon into nothingness, Roman had his answer, the five words he should’ve said instead.
I’d probably duck out too.