Chapter Text
“This is soooo lame. Why are we doing this?” Ranma complained.
Their class had come to the local museum to see an exhibit on relics discovered in a newly uncovered Chinese tomb.
“You should try to be a little more interested.” Akane snapped. “It wouldn’t kill you to be good at something other than punching. It’s not like your personality will cover for you.”
Ranma scoffed. “I’m a martial artist. I don’t need to be good at anything else. And you’re bad at martial arts AND un-cute!”
Akane attempted to swing her elbow back in relation, but Ranma simply evaded it. He was more than aware of when she’d retaliate, by now. Despite the two of them getting along like oil and water, they had become very accustomed to each other’s habits. Even if they’d never admit it.
Ranma felt his senses glazing over as he let his brain turn off and his body run on auto-pilot. Blah blah ancient history. Blah blah blah important. Blah blah stunning discovery. It was ages before his neurons flickered back to life, and when they did, he was staring at an ornate mirror on a pedestal.
“And this is the most impressive item of the exhibit. The Mirror of Two Souls. It’s said that if two people look into the mirror at the same time, the two will learn everything about each other and become fated to be together. But it’s also said that if broken, one will become two. Of course, it’s just an old superstition.” the presenter said cheerfully. Ranma rolled his eyes. Only an idiot would believe that.
“Akane Tendo!”
As if on cue, Kuno had appeared.”This is destiny. We shall look into the mirror together, and you shall finally understand the depths of my love. My only regret is that the pig-tailed girl is not here as well!”
Akane and Ranma both made a face. Akane threw a high kick at Kuno as he moved to embrace her. It made contact with a loud crack, but it didn’t seem to dissuade him. Which wasn’t really surprising. Kuno’s skull was one of the densest substances on earth. Not that it had reason to be. It wasn’t exactly protecting anything. Ranma possessively moved between the two. Not that he liked Akane or anything! The idea of Kuno getting his way just made him annoyed. That’s all.
“Saotome. I won’t allow you to get in my way!” Kuno said, drawing his wooden sword. Ranma groaned. This museum had awful security if it let this moron in with that! “Ranma! Don’t break any of the exhibits!” Akane scolded. Great, now he had to maneuver around all this junk?
Kuno launched at Ranma, striking with shocking precision for someone who probably couldn’t define the word. The crowd gasped and scattered as the two moved all around the room, shockingly not annihilating absolutely everything. Ranma saw his opening and took it, ducking under Kuno’s sword and kicking his wrist, sending it flying above his head, before pivoting and punching him center mass, sending him reeling right out of the door of the museum. “Ha!” Ranma scoffed. “I’m so good it’s almost crimi-”
CRACK.
Ranma turned his head. The wooden sword had flown across the room and smashed right into the mirror. Everyone turned to look at Ranma. Well .Except the presenter. She had fainted at the sight. “I…it wasn’t me..!” Ranma said, slightly withering under the glares. And then bowed to Akane smacking him. “You’re the one that hit his sword, jerk!” Akane huffed. Ranma winced, throwing a glance at the mirror. He was definitely gonna get chewed out for this. He ran out in a hurry. Akane was already gonna give him an earful at home, he didn’t wanna get two!
Maybe if he had taken a closer look at the mirror, he would have noticed that while one side reflected his male self, the other…
Ranma grumbled. He was sitting up in a tree by the river,, trying to find a way to avoid going home. He was definitely gonna have to endure being barbed about this for days. Best to put it off for a bit. Stupid Kuno. He didn’t have any good traits at all. Well, except for being kinda cute.
…What? That doesn’t seem right.
No, he’s definitely cute, in like, a dumb himbo way?
He’s not cute, I - why am I thinking this?!
Cuz it’s true? He’s a looker even if there’s nothing going on upstairs.
He’s not! He isn’t… something is wrong!
Ranma slapped himself. That train of thought was NOT acceptable. He must have gotten grazed in the head by Kuno, that’s the only way any thought like that would ever pass his thoughts.
Well of course, they’re my thoughts, you moron.
You’re my brain. These are the same thoughts. What are you talking about.
Pshaw. Look into the water, dumbass.
Ranma took a break from shaking from internal turmoil, tilting his head to look in the river.
He was looking back at himself.
Or rather, she was.
His female self was reflected back at him. Sticking out her tongue.
“What… the hell…?” Ranma mouthed.
“I’m surprised too, doofus.” Girl-Ranma responded.
“Who the hell are you?!” Ranma demanded, unaware how insane he looked screaming at his reflection.
“Your feminine side, obviously.”
“I don’t have one of those! I’m the most masculine g-”
“Yeah yeah, the most masculine guy ever. The most masculine guy ever who made goo goo eyes at the ice cream stand two days ago so he’d give you a free scoop.” she said. Ranma winced.
“Oh, or the stunningly masculine act of taunting Akane that you’re cuter than her.” Wince.
“Or that whole Yoiko Hibiki thing. It’d take a week to unpack all of that.” Wince.
“And there was that time when we got shipwrecked and had to participate in that wife competition, that you got extremely interested in. Remember how you picked out that insanely revealing dress? You thought you ‘slayed’, right?” And a bigger wince.
“Those were all! Me keepin’ up an act!” Ranma meekly objected.
“And now I’ll do that for you.”
“Like hell you will!”
“Like hell I won’t! Who do you think is gonna be in the driver’s seat the moment you get drenched?”
Ranma paled. He couldn’t let his… feminine side run wild! He had to avoid getting wet. That wouldn’t be too hard. I mean, sure he got drenched at least once a day, but he would be more vigilant. Definitely. But maybe he could fix this in the first place. Cologne might know how to fix it. They were on good terms these days. He sighed. He could probably get this fixed in no time. He dashed off.
“Impossible.” Cologne said bluntly.
Ranma nearly fell over. “What?! Come on. What if we fix the mirror!” he asked pleadingly. “That is not the problem, my idiot son-in-law.” Cologne said plainly. “The mirror is no longer the issue. The mirror breaking may have split your mind in two, but restoring it would do nothing to repair your mind. It’s a one way street.”
Ranma felt the walls closing in. “Okay, so I can go get the Ladle of Locking, or go back to Jusenkyo-”
“Unadvised. Neither of those things would actually fix the problem. Your masculine and feminine sides have split, dear son-in-law. If you permanently locked your feminine side out, all that would happen is that she would find a way to break free in some other way. Would you prefer to have a split personality you constantly had to fight off?”
The girl in his head responded as well. “Yeah! Try to freeze me out and I’ll make your life a living hell, you emotionally stunted jerk!” Ranma furrowed his brow. “So, what do I do?!” Ranma said in exasperation. Cologne…
Well. She shrugged. “The only way to fix the issue would be to fully accept your feminine side. Not half-heartedly or out of desperation, but truly. To re-merge. And that’s far beyond a muscle-brained boy like you! Hohoho!” she cackled.
Ranma left dejected. He covered his face with his hands. And let out a strangled wail into them.
It was not helped by the voice in his head.
“That’s right, I’m here to stay! So why not take a break and toss yourself into the river, I’ve got shopping to do!”
“What?! Why the hell do you need to shop?!” Ranma thought. He had to get better at responding mentally. If he kept talking to himself he’d look crazy. “Cause you don’t have any cute clothes? You think I’m gonna wear those overalls you have?”
Ranma balked, retching. This was bad. He had to avoid letting her out, or he’d never recover!
After pacing around as far from water as possible, he went home. He just had to get to his room.
He stepped in the door, and immediately fell to the ground, dodging Akane waiting with a bucket of water. He cut her off before she could yell. “I’ll listen tomorrow!” he said. Next was his dad. He tried his usual throw, but Ranma was ready, deftly shifting his weight he tossed his father into the pond, and then rushed to dodge the resulting splash. He went into his room, locked the door and pushed the dresser in front of it.
He’d sleep on it. He’d definitely have an idea tomorrow….
It was early. Earlier than Ranma usually got up. Kasumi was already up, doing chores. She saw something odd. Ranma. Sleepwalking. Well. Maybe? His eyes were closed, and he was moving strangely. Almost as if he was having problems moving. Like a puppet being dragged by strings.
And then he fell in the water.
“Aha~! I’m free!” Ranma exclaimed as she popped out, beginning to cackle. Kasumi tilted her head. She always knew Ranma would crack one day.
Male Ranma mumbled in his sleep. Ugh, he felt so stuff, why couldn’t he move? Wait, his eyes weren’t closed at all. W-wait, he was walking down the street?!
“Ha, finally woke up, huh?” Girl Ranma asked. “You’re so lazy! It’s almost noon, and I’ve gotten so much done this morning!”
Male-Ranma balked, as Girl Ranma turned her body towards a mirror. In her hands were shopping bags, but her outfit stood out the most. A short white skirt that’d flash her panties if she moved too quickly, and a pink sleeveless shirt tied to show her midsection. And pink sneakers! Male-Ranma screamed. “What?! Take that off! How did you get money for this?!”
“Oh, easy. Nabiki was happy to front me some money once I convinced her that selling pin-ups of an enthusiastic girl to Kuno would easily get four times as much as her creepshots did.”
“You WHAT?!” Male-Ranma shrieked. Girl-Ranma just snickered. “What? Howzit any different from before, except now we get a cut. Kuno is still gonna slobber on us whenever he sees me, so how’s it worse?” Male-Ranma seethed. “It’s just… wrong! I’m going to be a master martial artist, not some… air-headed attention whore!”
“Right. YOU’RE going to be a master martial artist. Ranma Saotome, the huffinest toughinest most macho guy around, all that jazz. So I’m gonna be the sweetest, prettiest, girlist girl around, Ranko Saotome~!”
As she ‘spoke’, she spun on her heel and did a little pose in the window, winking. Such a display of cuteness tore Ranma’s heart to pieces and he wailed again, trapped within his own body. “Oh, don’t be such a drama queen.” Ranko said, reaching into one of the bags and stuffing most of a donut into her mouth, chewing happily. “Hey! Easy on the sweets, no ruining our body!”
“Stuff it! If we’re two separate entities now our bodies should be too. I gotta enhance my figure. I can’t be the girliest girl with C-Cups! And frankly, this ass leaves a lot to be desired too. Gotta figure out how to make it part of my fighting style.” “I do kung-fu, not foxy boxing!” “You’re such a stick in the mud. You’ll wear pasties and a thong if you think it’s funny, but I’m beyond the pale for flaunting it? Please.”
As the two internally bickered, a familiar face rounded the corner. Ryoga.
He stopped and stared. Ranko noticed and turned her head, and froze. Ranma, trapped as an inner monologue, also froze. He slowly looked Ranko up and down. Ranko tensed, as if she might need to run.
Ryoga gently put his hands on Ranko’s shoulders. “I’m glad you finally figured things out. I’m happy for you. I’ll support you fully.” he said gently. Insane Ranko’s head was her howling laughter and Ranma’s panicked screaming.
“Explain it to him! Explain!” Ranma yelled.”Hahahaaaaa, no way!” Ranko giggled. “You do it. I am TOTALLY fine with this!”
Ranko made her best puppy dog eyes at Ryoga. “Thank you… I was just so afraid of what people would think… knowing someone so close to me is so accepting…” she said, pushing her face into his chest and making very sure her boobs were flattening against his abs. She could feel him starting to fluster. She was still a master martial artist, so she could easily tell what he was about to do while holding him so closely.
Just before he’d move to push her off, she pulled back herself, pecking his cheek with a soft ‘chu’ and skipping off, glancing back to see him stunned. Ranma was practically weeping. “You’re ruining my reputation!”
“No, I’m improving -mine-. If you get to have a harem, I do too!” Ranko responded.Ranma balked. Was this what dealing with him was like? He wasn’t this much of a thick headed problem, was he…?
“I don’t have a harem!” Ranma yelled. “Oh right. Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi…hmm, I wonder if I can make Mousse forget all about Shampoo…” Ranko ponders. Ranma couldn’t deal with this. He had to somehow escape. But he couldn’t. This was all in his own head! He just needed a reason this chaotic brat would WANT to give him back control….
“Ranma~! Let me touch your boobs!” Happosai came rocketing out of the sky, Ranko only barely evading his grope attempt. Ha! Ranma smirked to himself. Well. He had no body right now, but…y’know. Spiritually. “Well, you want to be in the driver’s seat! Have fun!” Ranma smugly responded.
Ranko, without missing a beat, or dropping her bags, took on a martial arts stance. “I’ll make you run, you old perv! I’ve got a new move!” Ranko said defiantly. Happosai began to burn with a fighting spirit. “Oh ho~? Well, show me your new technique disciple! I’ll show you the distance between us and then nestle right into your chest~!”
Ranko inhaled deeply.
“KYAAAAA~!” she yelped, clutching her chest and looking away. “POLICE~! THERE’S A GROPER! ALSO I’M PRETTY SURE HES IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY~!”
Happosai froze. “Ha-?” he said in bafflement, as he found himself surrounded by police instantly.
“Y-you brat!” Happosai screamed, evading a storm of nets, batons and tasers. “That isn’t a technique!”
Ranko stuck out her tongue and knocked her head. “Yeah, but you’re gonna run, aren’t you? Better hurry if you don’t wanna end up in the big house!”
Happosai managed to burst out of the scuffle and run down the street. Ranma was stunned.
“See? Since I’m comfortable with my femininity, I can do things you can’t!” Ranko smugly said, turning to resume her shopping. “Now, we need to go get the make-up I picked out…”
She skipped off over the objections of Ranma.
Elsewhere, Cologne looked at a newspaper. The headline story... “Museum robbed; Chinese artifacts stolen.”
“Hmm… it seems they’ve appeared…” she said. She needed to go warn her son-in-law. And daughter-in-law.