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“See you later Nitori-Senpai,” Momo exclaimed as he stood in the middle of their doorway, a bag slung over his shoulder filled to the brim with clothes he would need while away. It was Christmas break and most of the students were going home for the Holidays. Not Nitori however. He was to stay at the dorms and ‘improve his horrendous grades and swimming performance’ as his father so delicately put it. Not wanting to spoil his roommate’s good mood, Nitori bid his friend farewell with one of his award-winning smiles, but dropped it as soon as the door was shut.
Nitori let out a heaving sigh before glancing behind him at his unfinished homework. He had so many things to do. He had a research project due in two weeks, an eight-page history report due in three, and to top it all off, he was required to do ten hours of community service as part of his college readiness class. God, why did his teachers have to spring all this shit on him at the same time?! Did they not realize he had a life? That he had friends and family whom he wished to see and interact with? No, of course they didn’t. Why would they? The only thing this stupid education system cared about were the grades of its students and if you didn’t have a 3.5 or higher, then you weren’t worth the time. Aiichirou scoffed at his train of thought as he flopped down onto his bottom bunk, not even caring about the wrinkles he was making in his newly made bed. He stared at the top rungs for what seemed like hours until he eventually gave into his exhaustion and slept.
When he awoke, there was a heaviness in Ai’s chest that he recognized all too well and an emptiness of his mind that he knew would get him in trouble. He tried to think of what it was his therapist had suggested he do in these times. He needed to get out of his room. Go somewhere and do something to distract himself so that he wouldn’t fall into this again! He knew this. He knew what he had to do, but he just could not find the energy or motivation to do so. Why should he anyhow? He wasn’t worth saving. There were so many things wrong with him that he didn’t dare move an inch to make himself feel better. Aiichirou felt that he deserved every ounce of misery he was experiencing. For God’s sake, he was so pathetic! He was lazy, unmotivated, untalented, stupid, ugly, a failure of a student, son, and brother. No one would ever want him, no one would ever respect him, and his so called ‘friends’ never really liked him. They only tolerated him because they had to. Because they were nice people, unlike him. God, he was such a terrible person. He couldn’t even get excited about volunteering to help those in need. Only a selfish brat would feel that way! Jesus fucking Christ, why was he still on this planet? Why was he even born? Oh, yes that’s right. He’s here as a reminder to the world of what life as a piece of shit looks like.
Aiichirou lay on his bed letting these thoughts run wild. Back and forth he went, jumping from one negative thought to another allowing his worries to build and build and build and build until finally, everything came to an abrupt halt.
Aiichirou’s brain was completely numb. Before, it was just empty, but now his entire body felt depleted and ready to cave in. ‘Why don’t I just…end it?’ he thought.
He glanced to his right towards his desk where he could see the bottle of Tylenol PM peeking out from underneath his history textbook. Slowly, Aiichirou sat himself up. His limbs felt so heavy as he placed his feet on the ground and the simple action felt so draining on his person. Still, he knew what he had to do. It’s best if he did this. For him and for everyone else. Feeling more affirmed in his decision, he pushed off the mattress and grabbed the pills as well as a water bottle off his desk and made his way back to the bed. Once back, he spilled the blue capsules out and took a handful of them into his palm. For a brief second, an image of his family and friends appeared in his mind, making him pause and question what he was doing. However, the numbing of his brain was too hard to push through and he forced the first handful into his mouth and swallowed them all down with his water. Oddly enough, it was only then that he started to cry. He imagined what Momo would think when he came back to his lifeless body. Would he care? Of course he would, nobody wants the smell of death in their room. ‘Look at me. Selfish even in death’ he thought.
Even still, he continued to swallow the pills down. One handful turned to two, then three, then four, and eventually all of them were gone and Aiichirou laid his head down to rest. He had stopped crying after the third handful, figuring his tears were a waste of time. He could already feel the drugs taking their toll as his head swam with muggy thoughts of his friends and family. Happy memories flashed behind his eyes and he tried his best to focus on them instead of the extreme agony he was experiencing in his stomach. It felt as though his insides were being torn apart, but he refused to do a thing about it. He deserved this. He deserved it all.
*Buzz* *Buzz*
His phone? His phone was alerting him of an incoming text message. Aiichirou really didn’t want to see what it pertained to, but he couldn’t help himself. He slowly eased his way over to the device that was located on the other end of the mattress, his stomach protesting the entire way.
From: Nitori Yuki
To: Nitori Aiichirou
Hey Onii-Chan! Papa just told me you weren’t coming home for the Holidays and I want to tell you that I am very upset with you! Who am I supposed to make gingerbread houses with, huh? I can’t make one with Dad cause his fingers are too fat and Mom is just plain clumsy!
Aiichirou barely made it halfway through the text before he started crying again. How could he be so self-centered?! He had a sister who needed him, a mother and father who loved him! Finally, the spell he was under broke and Aiichirou immediately began to panic. Shakily, he reached for his phone and tried to dial 911, but his phone shut off before he could dial it in. Fuck, why did he have to forget to charge his phone?! He quickly stood from the bed, but fell to his knees as a powerful dizzy spell overtook him. His breathing was labored as he crawled on his hands and knees toward the door. All he had to do was make it to the front office and he’d be fine. They’d call an ambulance and he could put this mistake behind him. No matter how many times he tried to rationalize his situation however, the panic would not go away. He continued to crawl down the hall, tears cascading down his face like a waterfall. After a few minutes, he could see the office attendant. She was only about 30 feet away. Unfortunately, his body caved at that moment and he fell to the ground with an audible ‘umph.’
He could see the office woman retreating in the opposite direction. He tried to yell for help, but nothing but a small wheeze escaped him as his breath was stolen. His heart was slowing and the pain of his stomach kicked into overdrive as his body started to lose its battle against the Tylenol. His head felt fuzzy and he could feel himself losing consciousness.
‘NO! It can’t end like this! Please, somebody help!’
He cried hysterically, realizing that this was it. He was really going to die. God, if could he would take it all back, but he knew it was useless at this point. Aiichirou had made his choice and now it was time to pay the consequences. He imagined the faces of all the people he loved. Rin, Sousuke, Momo, Sei, his mother and father, Yuki. He was leaving them all behind and the weight of that realization hurt him more than anything else he had ever experienced.
“Yuki, Mom, Dad…I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry…….,” he said as his vision faded to black and his mind lost consciousness.
Perhaps he’d see them again... God he really fucking hoped so.