Chapter Text
As the 118 sat in the rig Buck made sure his knees were not touching anyone. He was pressed into the side keeping as much distance from everyone else as possible. It had been months since the lawsuit happened and Buck had returned to work. The team wasn't freezing him out anymore but things never went back to how they were before either.
During Buck's first few weeks back he had been mostly ignored, forced to be the man left behind and do almost all the chores available with little to no help. He had accepted this as he understood they were mad at him. He hadn't regretted the lawsuit as it had brought him back to his family, where he belonged. He assumed that if he worked hard, showed he belonged here, and kept his opinions to himself, he would be back on the team and things would be normal again in no time. Sadly enough he was mistaken. It was almost six months later, he was back in the field and had a normal amount of chores when they were at the station, Bobby didn't treat him differently than any other firefighter in the station when it came to work, but he didn't feel part of the inner circle anymore, part of the family.
Everyone was perfectly polite to him. They greeted him at the start of the shift and wished him a good 48 off when he left the station, they didn't give him dirty looks at the table and communicated about work. But Buck couldn't remember the last time someone asked him how his weekend was, involved him in a joke, or casually touched him. He couldn't remember the last time anyone touched him on purpose at all. Everyone kept a very safe distance from Buck. He wondered if they were scared he would sue them if they made a wrong move near him.
By now Buck had gotten the hint and tried to stay out of everyone's way as much as possible. He sat at the table with the team during mealtimes and answered any questions that were directed his way, complimented Bobby on the food and asked the others about their weekend plans. However, as soon as it seemed polite, he left the table. Giving the team time and space away from him.
Which is how Buck found himself on the rig, on their way to a minor car accident, stuffing himself into the corner as to not physically touch anyone. It was easier this way, keeping his distance, safer. He had been hurt enough over the course of his life. So many people had left him before, yet none had hurt as much as the 118. Buck really thought he had found a family with the 118. But as he desperately tried to not let his and Eddie's knees touch, while avoiding eye contact with everyone by staring out of the window, he knew he had been mistaken. He was always meant to be left again and that was exactly what happened.
The rig went over a speedbump and Buck stiffened. As hard as he tried, he couldn't avoid bumping his knee into Eddie's. He held back a flinch as the feeling of Eddie's knee against his traveled up his leg and settled uncomfortably in his stomach. Buck glanced around the rig, no one seemed to have noticed his reaction. He accidentally made eye contact with Hen who flashed him a small smile but other than that no one was looking at him at all. Eddie and Chimney were busy discussing some show they watched and Bobby was in the front talking to dispatch.
The knee touch stuck in Buck's mind for the rest of the shift. He knew he had been getting worse at physical contact lately, only really getting it through accidental touches, but he hadn't realised it had gotten this bad. After they had gotten back from the, luckily very minor, car accident he skipped dinner and went to the bunks to try and sit out the last two hours of the shift. Although he had tried to nap, he had been too wired and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember the last time he had any prolonged physical contact. He had hugged Maddie a few weeks ago when they went to grab lunch but it had been a quick one-armed hug. Besides that he could only remember how last week he took a very busy bus and had gotten squashed between a stranger and the window. It had taken ten minutes and he was so uncomfortable that he had gotten out two stops too early and still felt like crawling out of his skin when it was time to go home. He had elected to pay for a taxi instead of taking the bus back.
Buck found Eddie and Hen in the locker room as he was grabbing his stuff to leave, he froze when he heard them talking. "Were we supposed to bring anything to Bobby's potluck tomorrow?" Eddie asked Hen as he zipped up his bag and grabbed his coat, his back turned to Buck and thus unaware he was there.
Hen answered while rummaging in her locker "Athena said they have it covered but everyone is welcome to bring something sweet for dessert."
Buck tried to stay invisible which is quite hard as a six foot man blocking the only doorway of the room.
As Eddie turns around to go home he locks eyes with Buck, who immediately averts his gaze. Only to look right at Hen, who has now also noticed his presence. Buck takes a deep breath and realises he is still in the way. He steps aside and walks over to his locker.
With his back turned to Hen and Eddie he swallows past the lump in his throat, opens his locker, and says "H-have a nice 48 off." He curses himself inwardly for the slight stutter and hopes they didn't notice. The stuttering has been getting worse lately and Buck had tried to keep conversation to a minimum to hide it. Ironically the lack of conversations he had been having is probably what caused the stutter in the first place, but Buck saw no hope of his social skills getting a boost any time soon so it was probably better to just stay quiet. Not like anyone really cared about what he had to say.
He absently notices that Hen and Eddie still haven't left or said anything. Grabbing his stuff he tries to leave the locker room as quickly as possible. They probably wanted to finish discussing their plans at Bobby's without him. Not wanting to purposefully hurt Buck by doing it in front of him. He hadn't been aware of any team plans but he wasn't dumb, he knew they had been hanging out without him for months now. He had seen the social media posts and heard the occasional related conversations. That didn't mean it hurt any less to be left out. He really thought he had been part of the family at one point. So ingrained in the group that it would never change. He didn't even know how many team events he had missed in the last months.
He tries to keep his eyesight low as he walks past Hen and Eddie, focussing on his feet and the tiles in the locker room. He almost made it out of the door when Eddie grabs his arm. "Buck..." Eddie's fingers shoot lightning through his arm and Buck flinches and pulls his arm free, taking a step away from Eddie in the process. The contact feels like a fire spreading through his arm. The man narrows his eyes at Buck's reaction.
"Never mind..." he scoffs, "See you next shift Buckley." Buck takes one last look between Eddie and Hen, ignoring how worried Hen looks, internally flinching at Eddie's angry and cold eyes, and quickly turns around and leaves the station.
~
The 48 hours off pass in a blur. Buck spends most of his time in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom and grabbing water or a protein bar. He turns off his phone after he sees Chimney's post about the team potluck on social media. But not before spending too much time inspecting all of their happy faces in the photos. He lingers the longest on a photo with Eddie and Chris. Not having the Diaz boys in his life has been the hardest part of the lawsuit and everything that happened afterwards. He had asked about Chris regularly and Eddie didn't deny him any information but he never offered them to hang out and Buck did not want to push. Not since he tried and got rejected a few weeks after his return. Eddie had looked so angry and told him he only had time for people who were going to be there for Chris no matter what. Buck had not gotten up the courage to ask again since.
He only turns his phone back on the morning of his shift, unsurprisingly he has no missed messages or calls. Although expected, a pang of loneliness still spread through his chest. He forces himself out of bed and into the shower, grabs a quick protein bar and leaves the house just in time.
Once at the station Buck is determined to stay out of everyone's way to try and minimize any reminders of how much he does not belong anymore. He skips breakfast, telling Bobby he ate before coming to the station, and starts on his chores instead. While he is checking inventory the alarm goes off and the team quickly rushes to the rig.
Buck spends the ride staring at his knees, both keeping them to himself as to not touch any of his colleagues by accident, and giving him an easy way to avoid all eye contact. Bobby informs the team that they are headed to a small house fire.
As they arrive at the scene of the emergency Buck busies himself with helping as much as possible on the sidelines. Bobby however has something else in mind, "Eddie, Buckley, I need you guys on extraction. Dispatch says there should be two people inside the house. Both adults, probably located in the bedrooms on the second floor, east side of the house."
Buck nods at Bobby to confirm the assignment and suits up next to Eddie. Despite all of the distance lately, Eddie and him still make a great time and within no time they have located the two people in the house. Eddie takes the closest victim, a middle aged man, and starts checking him over. Buck focusses on the other victim, a woman of about 30 years old. Once Buck is certain the woman is okay he looks over to Eddie, noticing they are both done they nod and support their victims on the way back downstairs.
Eddie takes the lead and runs ahead with Buck right behind him. As Buck's luck would have it, right as Eddie walks through the door a piece of ceiling hits Buck in his neck and on his back. He manages to push the woman out of the door as he falls down with the debris covering him. It takes him a second to recover, taking a deep breath to replace the one that got knocked out of his lungs, before he starts trying to get the debris off of him. One of his arms is pinned and he can't get a good angle with the other. After trying for a few seconds he reaches for his radio with his free arm, he takes a deep sigh and informs the team, "I'm t-trapped, can someone assist."
Before he can let go of the button on his radio Eddie appears in front of him. He quickly moves the debris off of Buck and moves to help him up. Buck flinches away from his helping hands and scrambles up himself, noting how stiff his arm and back feel. He avoids Eddie's eyes as he stumbles through the door himself.
Back outside Buck attempts to wave off Bobby and Eddie, "I'm fine, the debris just trapped my arm." Eddie scoffs and Bobby raises his eyebrows "You know the rules Buckley, let Eddie check you out."
Buck sighs but gives in, last thing he needs is Bobby to get mad at him. Although Buck believes Bobby wouldn't risk benching him again after everything that happened last time, he can't help but be afraid of what will happen if he messes up in the captain's eyes.
He sits down on the sidewalk and tries to ignore how close Eddie already is. They aren't touching yet but Eddie is kneeling in front of him while grabbing something from his medic bag. Once he finds what he was looking for Eddie moves and reaches out to Buck. As his hand gets closer Buck immediately tries to move away but it is futile.
Eddie raises his eyebrows slightly and sighs but continues his work. He looks annoyed at Buck's reluctance to be touched by him. Buck knows, somewhere deep down, that Eddie is being gentle. That his touches are as light as they could be, somehow sensing that Buck cannot handle much more. Truthfully, he can barely handle this. Buck cannot focus on anything happening around him. He can feel Eddie's hands all over his left arm and back. The touches are like razors being dragged over his body. Every touch, even the lightest most careful ones stay on his skin until it feels like he is being covered in them.
He is trying to focus on his breathing. He is staring straight ahead, frozen, unable to make eye contact with Eddie. He is unsure if Eddie is talking to him or not, he cannot hear anything going on anymore except his own heartbeat and breathing. He is certain Eddie can hear the thumping in his chest. To Buck it sounds like it is being broadcasted to the whole scene.
As Eddie's hands move to Buck's neck, the younger man has to actively make sure he keeps breathing. In and out, in for four, hold it and out for four. When Eddie's fingers graze his jaw Buck can't help but flinch. Eddie scoffs at the sudden movement, "Is it so horrible to be touched by me?". Buck only vaguely registers that Eddie is talking to him, too focused on keeping as still as possible. He tries to shake his head, deny the accusation but he is unsure if he succeeds. Only a few months ago he would have given anything for Eddie to touch him so gently, preferably without being crushed by debris first. Now he can barely handle Eddie's eyes on him, let alone his hands. He has his fingers locked together and is applying pressure through them. The slight stinging a nice distraction of all the physical contact he is still experiencing.
"Hey Buck? Buck... Are you still with me?" Eddie asks, moving a hand against Buck's cheek. Buck pulls away from him and looks at his face for the first time since the check up began. He vaguely notices something similar to worry in Eddie's eyes. That can't be real though, Buck must be misreading something. Why would Eddie be worried right now? Maybe this is all taking too long, Buck is slowing them down too much.
Eddie moves his hands again and Buck moves backwards a little. "Am I g-good to go yet?" Buck asks, trying to sound nonchalant but unable to keep a steady voice. "I-I really do feel f-fine." He tries to assure Eddie. He just has to get out of here, the sooner this is over the sooner Buck can go hide again and recover from all the physical contact he just endured. His skin is burning and his mind is yelling at him to get away from Eddie as fast as possible.
Eddie hesitates and raises his hand again, only to drop it with a slight crease in his eyebrows when Buck leans backwards. "Ehh... y-yeah I don't think there is any damage, you will have a nasty bruise though." Eddie answers Buck. "Are you feeling okay?"
Buck laughs, trying to sound cool and unbothered but mostly coming across as manic he is sure, "Yeah I'm all good Eds- eh Eddie."
Eddie gives him one last glance and then gets up and lets him be. As soon as Eddie turns his back, Buck sags down and takes a few deep breaths. His hands are shaking and he can still feel every touch. Especially the few touches to his jaw and face were brutal and he is desperate to get back to the station and end this shift.
Buck takes another minute to steady himself. Wiping his hands on his pants and trying to get the shaking to stop. He rejoins the emergency and focusses on clean up and crowd control, staying as far away from Eddie, and everyone else, as possible. He notices the man giving him odd looks a couple of times but ignores the way his stare feels. Buck can't remember the last time he had this much undivided attention.
Once back at the station Buck skips lunch and goes into the locker room for a long shower. He desperately tries to get the feeling of Eddie's hands off of him but even the hot shower is not enough to forget about the soft touches.
~
The rest of the shift goes smoothly and Buck manages to avoid the team as much as is possible during a shared 12 hour shift. His back and arm hurt throughout the shift but it is nothing he cannot handle. The pain almost hidden by the lingering feeling of touch on his skin.
Once it is time Buck is the first one to leave the station and go home. It is only once he gets home and closes the door to his empty loft behind him that he remembers how cold and lonely his home is. There is nothing there to distract him. Nothing to help him ignore how pathetic he has gotten. He can't even handle a few touches, professional touches from a colleague, without freaking out. Buck's whole body is stinging and he feels tears forming in his eyes. He can't believe his life is like this now. All this effort to get back to a family that does not care about him. Months of distance and yet he is still so affected by them. By Eddie.
Buck roughly wipes at his eyes and sinks down on the floor, back against the door. Maybe it was all for nothing. Maybe he should just quit, or transfer. Buck pauses at the thought. He can't transfer right? Would that not mean it was all for nothing? All this effort, losing his friends, his family, losing Eddie, just to throw it away anyway?
The tears are flowing freely now and Buck doesn't try to stop them. He worked so hard for months and no one cared. No one saw his effort. No one was willing to forgive him for the lawsuit. He has no one else. He was all alone again. Buck had been alone before but the other times did not compare to how lonely he felt now. In the past he just moved on afterwards, moved away and found a new life, a new purpose, for the time being at least. But this was different, the 118 was different. Buck truly believed he was meant to be a firefighter. Just like he used to believe the 118 was a family, a family that he belonged with. He missed the feeling of belonging, he hadn't felt it in months. Not since before the lawsuit, the lawsuit he started specifically because he wanted that feeling back.
Buck broke down fully and sobbed into his hands. He missed his old life and it hurt. He hadn't let himself cry about it before, not really. A few stray tears after a hard day here and there but no full on sobbing like he was right now. In a way it felt nice to let it all out. But mostly he was just hurting.
He doesn't know how long he sits on the floor sobbing. By the time he has calmed down the sun has gone down and his legs are stiff. He sniffs a few times and wipes his face with his sleeve before getting up. He feels tired and empty and he knows his back is going to make him regret sitting on the floor for so long tomorrow. He is grabbing a glass of water when there is a knock on the door.
He drags himself over to the door and sneaks a peek through the peephole. Buck backs away confused when he finds Eddie at the other side of the door. He considers pretending he isn't home when Eddie knocks again. "Open the door Buck, I know you are home. I saw your jeep in the parking lot."
With a reluctant sigh Buck opens the door, keeping his face down in hopes that Eddie can't see any proof of how Buck spent the evening since leaving the station. "W-what are you doing here." He asks quietly, eyes firmly on Eddie's shoes, which start moving forward. "We have to talk," Eddie says "can I come in, please?" Buck steps aside so Eddie can pass him, not really believing he has another choice besides letting him enter the loft.
As Eddie takes a few more steps into the loft, his back turned to the door, Buck takes the opportunity to look him up and down. Eddie looks tense, and.. worried, maybe? Buck is unsure, he used to be so good at reading Eddie's emotions. It used to come as second nature to him. Now there is this distance between them, between Buck and the whole team really, and he doesn't know what Eddie is feeling anymore.
As Eddie turns towards Buck, the younger man quickly diverts his eyes and focusses on grabbing his glass of water. He drinks it in a few big gulps and goes to refill it. The silence between them is awkward and Buck knows he is making it worse by not looking at Eddie. He turns towards the cupboard, turning his back towards the other man, and grabs another glass, "You want something to drink? I-I only have water but....." He lets his sentence drop off, not knowing how to finish it. When Eddie doesn't reply Buck looks up to see if he heard his question. Buck realizes his mistake when Eddie's eyes scan over his face. The man's face drops when he notices Buck's red-rimmed eyes. There is no way to miss that Buck has been crying. He hasn't had a chance to look at himself in the mirror yet but he can feel the evidence on his face. The way his cheeks are dry and hot from all the tears running down them. The way his nose and eyes are raw from him rubbing them over and over again.
"Buck..." Eddie starts.
"Don't, please just don't." Buck quickly interrupts him. "I-I'm fine." He doesn't know why he tries, he knows it's not believable.
Eddie runs a hand down his face, "You are not fine Buck." The statement makes Buck scoff. "Why are you here Eddie?" Somewhere deep down Buck is happy to see Eddie, he is always happy to see Eddie. But he can't deal with this today. He doesn't know how to keep up the facade that he is okay with Eddie, here, at his home. Not after a day like today, not while he can still feel his neck and arm tingling from the physical contact of this afternoon.
"I wanted to talk. I wanted to make sure you are okay after.... today." Eddie replies.
"Right... I already s-said I'm fine..." Buck answers lamely. He isn't sure how to act in this situation right now. "So w-what do you wanna talk about?" He asks, mostly to fill the silence. He can take some pretty informed guesses about what Eddie wants to talk about and Buck does not think he is going to enjoy any of them.
Eddie takes a deep breath and his eyes scan the loft quickly, as if he can find the words somewhere between Buck's furniture. His gaze lands back on Buck, who quickly breaks eye contact and looks at his glass of water instead. "I want to talk about what is going on with you Buck." Eddie starts, "You have been avoiding us, not talking to anyone on the team. Acting weird, quiet and distant. We all understand you need space and time but after today... I just don't know..." Eddie takes a deep breath and continues. "I mean, you've clearly been crying tonight so something must be going on. And you were acting like I was contagious while I was checking over your injuries today."
Buck has to hold back the urge to roll his eyes. "I have been avoiding you? Are you serious right now?" He mumbles letting out a sad laugh. Eddie raises his eyebrows and his eyes widen slightly.
"I tried for months to get b-back to the team, to the way things were before..." Buck doesn't elaborate on what before means, he is sure Eddie can fill in the gaps. "You guys made it perfectly clear I wasn't w-welcome. I have just been trying to do w-what you g-guys wanted." The last part is hard for Buck to say out loud. He can hear the voice crack and flinches slightly, hoping Eddie didn't notice. He already thinks Buck is weird, he doesn't have to give Eddie a reason to also think he is weak.
Eddie didn't move while Buck talked and now he seems unsure about what to do. He flexes his hands a few times and takes a deep breath. "Buck you can't seriously believe that." He runs a hand through his hair, "No one wants you to feel like you aren't welcome."
Buck scoffs, he can feel his eyes stinging again, the tears threatening to make a come back, "Give me some credit, I'm not b-blind." He clenches his hands into fists, trying to stop them for shaking. Focusing on the pressure of his nails digging into his skin to keep the tears at bay.
Eddie takes three strides forward, stopping right in front of Buck. He lifts his hand and touches Buck's arm. "Buck, we all care about yo-"
"STOP!" Buck interrupts Eddie, stepping back to release his arm from Eddie, as if it burned him, and hitting his back against the counter. "You can't just come in here and p-pretend to care." He spits out. Unsure if Eddie's touch or his words are what pushed him over the edge but Buck can't handle this anymore. He glances around the room frantically, looking for a way to escape. He wants to get out badly. He wants Eddie to leave and to crawl into bed and pretend none of this happened. Pretend he never filed the lawsuit and he still had family and friends. Pretend he wasn't a massive screw up. Pretend he never threw that blood cloth and collapsed at Bobby's house. His breathing quickens and Buck tries to focus on calming down.
The tears are back in his eyes and through them he can see a blurry Eddie take a step back. He is probably going to leave him behind Buck thinks. Eddie will leave and tell everyone how weak he is and Bobby will take him off the team again and he will be man behind forever. Alone forever.
Buck can feel himself spiralling but he does not know how to stop it. He is shaking so badly now that he is having trouble standing up straight. The tears in his eyes have escaped and are flowing down his cheeks. He slides down onto the ground for the second time today, now with his back against the counter, and hides his face in his hands.
Although not fully sobbing this time he has a hard time focusing on keeping his breathing under control. It takes all of his energy and effort to not slip into a full blown panic attack.
"Buck I need you to breathe for me please." Eddie is in front of him on his knees. "Come on Evan, focus on my breathing and try to match it." Eddie starts counting out his breaths and Buck tries to follow his instructions. It takes a few minutes but he gets into the rhythm and calms down. Eddie seems to have picked up on Buck's aversion to touch as he leaves his hands on his own knees. Only using them to help illustrate the rhythm of his breathing by moving his hand up and down occasionally.
When Buck is calmed down enough he wipes his eyes with his sleeves and sits up a little straighter, making sure to stretch his bad leg. "I-I'm sorry." He mumbles.
"You have nothing to be sorry about, I think I should be the one apologising." Eddie says, "Could you explain to me what happened?"
Buck takes a deep breath, and seeing no way around it, begins to explain, "I'm n-not so good with t-touch anymore." He stares at his fingers, playing with a loose piece of skin next to one of his fingers, avoiding Eddie's burning gaze, afraid of what he will be able to read on his face.
"Is that what was happening this afternoon? Is that why you seemed so upset when I was checking out your injuries?" Buck can only nod, not trusting his voice. "Do you really believe I am only pretending to care?" Eddie asks carefully after a few seconds of silence.
Buck nods again, "It's okay, I know I-I messed up. You don't h-have to pretend, I can take the truth." His voice is barely above a whisper. He isn't sure if he is lying or not. He has known for weeks that the 118 doesn't care about him anymore, no further than any colleague cares about another. But to have Eddie say it out loud might break him. He isn't sure if he could survive having his worst fear spoken out loud and confirmed by Eddie of all people.
Eddie stills next to Buck, he can see him freeze out of the corner of his eyes. Buck risks a glance up at the other man and sees a devastated look on his face. "Evan... how could you believe that I'm only pretending?"
Buck sighed, he didn't want to explain everything. He had gotten the memo, why did he have to lay it out. "Come on Eddie.... D-do I really have to explain?" Buck murmured, "How could you possibly care? I m-messed up. You all just tolerate my presence. If you cared y-you'd talk to me, casually touch m-me, care about how I'm d-doing, invite me to t-team hang o-outs." Buck has to choke out the last examples and roughly wipes at his eyes to make sure he does not start crying again. He has cried enough today to last him a lifetime, and he is really tired of it. "It is fine, I am f-fine. I will get o-over myself and we can pretend this didn't h-happen and I-I'll try harder to stay out of your way." Buck rambles on, not being able to stand the silence that falls between them when he stops talking.
Eddie chokes down a noise that makes Buck glance in his direction. His eyes have gotten glassy, as if he is also about to cry.
"I-I'm so sorry Buck.." Eddie whispers. "I never should have let it get this far." He wipes a hand down his face and moves to touch Buck before realising, leaving his hand frozen halfway between them. "We all thought you were mad at us, you needed time. Which was understandable because we were wrong. We realised we were wrong to freeze you out after a few weeks. And I don't think we ever told you that.... We just gave you space, assumed you were mad at us. And this whole time you were feeling... like this..." Eddie's voice trails off.
Buck releases a breath, he can't believe Eddie is saying all of this. It's the apology Buck has only dared to dream off, never hoping for it during the day to keep himself from hurting when it inevitably never came. Yet it feels wrong to Buck, misplaced. "Why now?" He asks softly.
"W-what?" Eddie replies confused.
"Why now? It's been s-six months.. why are you saying this now?" Buck repeats, sitting up a little straighter and carefully looking up at Eddie's face. He is looking just as miserable as Buck feels.
"I...." Eddie starts, he sighs deeply. "I noticed something was wrong today. At first I thought you were just annoyed about having me checking out your injuries but then you, I don't know, you sorta dissociated when I touched your face. Like it was hurting you. And then you were tense and avoided us even more than normally for the rest of the shift. I... I couldn't focus on anything else all day. Even when I got home all I could think about was your face when I left you sitting on the sidewalk at the emergency scene that morning. You looked so...." Eddie flexed his hands and put them on his knees, as if to physically stop himself from touching Buck. "I'm so sorry I didn't see it earlier Buck. I was so engulfed in my own shit, it was so easy to just keep the distance when I should have bridged the gap and reached out to you."
Buck couldn't take the sad look in Eddie's eyes. He never meant for Eddie to feel so bad, especially not on his account. "It's okay Eds," Buck flinched at the nickname that slipped out, not sure if they were in a place to be using familiar nicknames, "It's not your fault, I-I started all this when I filed for that l-lawsuit. I'm the one to blame."
"No, Buck, stop. You were right, you were being mistreated. The lawsuit was understandable. I'm sorry I - we - didn't see it earlier."
Buck feels some weight being lifted off of his shoulders. Nothing has been fixed yet but he can already feel some hope seeping back into his body. For the first time in months he feels like maybe there is a chance of things working out.
They sit in silence for a while. Buck still with his back against the kitchen counter, Eddie across from him. Not touching but close, closer than they have been for months. It's kind of nice Buck finds himself thinking, sitting in silence with Eddie. This is probably the first silence they've shared in months that didn't feel awkward or tense.
After maybe ten minutes, Buck risks a look at Eddie with a small, careful smile on his face. Eddie is looking less hopeful than Buck feels. He scans Buck's face before carefully asking. "Can you explain why you don't want to be touched?" Buck freezes, he has already admitted it to Eddie tonight but having to explain that touching physically hurts him feels embarrassing. How did he get so weak that he can't even handle a little touch, an innocent knee tap or a colleague checking out his injuries?
Eddie, probably noticing Buck's inner turmoil around the question, elaborates, "At first I thought, we all thought, it was because you just didn't want to be close to us, avoiding even the smallest contact. But it's not like that, is it?" He pauses to gauge Buck's reaction. Buck manages a small shrug, not able to put it into words just yet. "I noticed it today, when I touched you you reacted like I burned you."
Buck nodded at that analogy. "Y-yeah, like that."
At Buck's words Eddie perks up. "It burns you? Like literally?"
"N-not literally, but yeah, i-it burns." Buck admits, "I-I haven't been touched much l-lately." Eddie looks devastated at that confession but Buck averts his eyes and continues his explanation, "I can f-feel every touch like it i-is a shock or something and it l-lingers for hours. It's e-easier to just avoid." Buck flinches at how pathetic he sounds. He gazes down at his knees and starts pulling on a thread that is sticking out of the pocket of his pants. "I know t-that sounds s-stupid, I'll get o-over it." His stutter is getting worse, he is so tired and this whole evening has been very emotional and draining.
"It's not stupid, I'm sorry it got this bad Buck, I'm sorry we didn't notice... I'm sorry I didn't notice. I should have done better." Eddie apologises. They lapse back into silence, Buck not knowing how to respond. Eddie seems content with the silence and lets it linger between them. His gaze never leaves Buck and although the prolonged attention is uncomfortable, Buck is feeling lighter than he has in months. The evening has been exhausting and emotional, but he feels a sense of hope again. A chance of returning to the way things were before, at least with Eddie.
There was a time when Buck wanted Eddie's unrequited attention more than anything. He had never admitted his feelings to Eddie, afraid of what it would do to their friendship, even before the lawsuit. Now, after, he knows he ruined any chance at ever being anything more to Eddie than friends. But maybe, maybe they could be friends again. And maybe Buck could learn to be okay with that.
Currently, however, Buck is no longer used to Eddie's attention. Or any attention at all. So after enduring Eddie's gaze for what feels like hours, but realistically is only a few minutes, Buck interrupts the silence, voicing one of his many worries out loud, "W-what happens when we g-go to work tomorrow?".
Eddie shuffles around a little, probably uncomfortable after all this time sitting on the floor. "Tomorrow you are calling in sick to work. You need some rest Buck." Eddie answers.
"N-no I'm not." Buck stammers, "I c-can't". Buck's breathing quickens immediately. He cannot risk letting Bobby down. He cannot get benched again. He cannot lose his spot on the team. He leans his arms on his knees and drops his head into his hands. He isn't as close to a panic attack as earlier this evening but he can still feel the stress rising in his throat. His evening with Eddie has given him hope for a second chance with Eddie but he is not convinced that the rest of the team will feel the same. He cannot falter and give them a reason to shut him out again.
Eddie, noticing what his suggestion did to Buck, shuffles a bit closer. Sitting next to Buck, as close as possible without touching. "Okay, I'm sorry for suggesting it. You don't have to call in sick." Eddie doesn't mention Buck's reaction but Buck knows he is going to hear about this later.
"Tomorrow at work I will stay by your side. I can explain to the team that we have been interpreting your behaviour the wrong way. Things will go back to how they should be." Eddie reassures Buck. For a second Buck lets himself believe Eddie. It all sounds too good to be true, and that is what tells Buck that it probably is. He never gets the too good to be true endings in situations. He knows, based on past experiences, that tomorrow will probably be as bad as the last few months. Even if Eddie sticks by his side as he is claiming, he has little faith the rest of the team feels the same as Eddie. It probably won't be long before Buck ends up alone again. As he always does.
"I can see you doubting me, you know. It is written all over your face." Eddie interrupts Buck's thoughts. "I understand after the last few months, it might be hard to believe me. But I promise you Buck, I will be by your side. I won't leave you again. I lo-care too much about you and I will remind you every day until you believe me."
Buck can only shrug at Eddie's words. Not able to voice how he feels like there is both doubt and hope seeping into his bones. Instead he changes the subject, "You should go home Eddie. It's l-late and you have Chris a-and work tomorrow."
He feels a pang of guilt as he realises Chris was probably at home waiting for Eddie to get back. His guilt only easing a fraction when Eddie responds, "Chris is at a sleepover, and I'm not leaving you alone tonight."
The last statement makes Buck look up at the other man. "Y-you don't have to stay on my account. I'll be f-fine." Eddie starts to get up and Buck feels disappointed and relieved at the same time. It is better if Eddie goes home but having to face his empty and silent appartement is daunting to Buck.
Instead of heading to the door Eddie looks around the loft and starts moving towards the living room. "Do you still keep your spare blankets in the closet under the stairs?" He asks while glancing at Buck.
"Ehh.. y-yeah." Buck stammers in reply, "What are y-you doing?".
"I'm sleeping on the couch. And you should probably go to bed. It's been a long night and I'm sure tomorrow will be a long day as well." Eddie replies matter of factly, completely ignoring Buck's attempt at getting him to go home.
Buck is stunned into silence while he watches as Eddie sets up the couch for himself to sleep on. After a minute or so Buck snaps out of it and gathers enough energy to get up off of the floor. He can feel his whole body aching and is sure he will regret his choice of breakdown spot tomorrow.
Eddie looks up at Buck and his face softens. "I'm not going anywhere Buck, ever again. Go to bed, I'll be here in the morning." Buck can only nod and starts heading upstairs.
He steps out of his clothes and crashes into his bed, falling asleep immediately for the first time in months. A small feeling of hope spreading in his chest as his eyes fall shut.