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JESPER’S POV

Jesper had been out of Wylan’s life give or take five months or so. Of course the phrase, “out of his life” felt very final to Jesper, and he liked to think of it like… well, he didn’t like to think of it. Since that horrid night all those sunrises ago, Wylan was all Jesper could think about. He replayed that night often in his head, prohibiting him from getting asleep, even when he’d only slept a few hours the night before.

“Jesper, you must do this if you want to keep Wylan safe,” Kaz said, his tone laced with warning.

“Change my whole identity and leave the love of my life will keep him safe. Uh-huh, that sounds totally doable and logical,” said Jesper, hands in the air out of disbelief. “Kaz do you know how crazy–”

“With his spot on the council, any relation to the Dregs could jeopardize all he has right now. With Pekka a part of the merchant council, saints know how he got there, we don’t know how safe it is for him to know you’re with Wylan.  Just… lay low for a while.”

“I genuinely don’t understand, Kaz–”

“Then don’t understand it. Just do as I say.” Kaz snapped, staring Jesper down. Jesper pursed his lips and flared his nostrils. He snatched the new identification papers out of Kaz’s hand.

“Does he know?” Jesper asked. Kaz stayed silent for a moment too long. Jesper felt a new pit of dread form in his chest. “Can I tell him?”

“No,” Kaz said firmly. Jesper right about strangled his boss at that moment. But that would've earned him a whack in the stomach with his cane. Instead, Jesper bit his tongue and opted to leave. He turned on his heel and stiffly walked towards the door that had been left ajar. “Damn it”, he thought, “should’ve closed this after I came in.”

“Jesper,” Kaz said before Jesper could fully walk out the door.  Jesper stopped. “I will get this sorted out. You won’t be apart for long.” 

Jesper exhaled and just left the room. He walked across the slat, and only the saints knew where he was going because he sure didn’t. He felt numb, he could barely see where he was going because of the tears that filled his eyes. He sniffed once, and let himself give one big sob. Before he could get to his destination, wherever that may have been, he felt himself collapse to the floor. He cried and cried, his head in his hands. 

And after all this, how was he supposed to say goodbye to Wylan? What would he tell him? He had to trust Kaz, but how could he when he felt this betrayed?

Jesper woke up, gasping for air. The rickety fan on the ceiling was threatening to fall and his bed was far too hot for his liking. He needed to get out, he needed to clear his head. He needed to– oh saints, he needed Wylan. 

He hated every part of this. 

The passport Kaz had given him had the name Willem on it. Willem Visser. It took him a few weeks to get used to introducing himself with that name. Kaz had found him a shabby apartment in the University District. Jesper hated that he had to reside there, as if abandoning his boyfriend wasn’t bad enough. It reminded him of all he could have been, could have achieved, if it wasn’t for his terrible gambling addiction. While it had been getting better with Wylan, Jesper knew it was going to come back. It was like a sense of impending doom. 

Given that he was in the University District, it was generally very safe to walk around at night, so he threw on a shirt and some slippers and padded out into the living area of the apartment. He grabbed his key off the kitchen table and walked into the brisk night air. There was a layer of mist floating in the air that Jesper really liked. It reminded him of fifth harbor. Of the times before all this mess. Of the times when Wylan was there. 

He felt a familiar ache come to his stomach. He’d come to terms about a month in that he was just going to be chronically nauseous. Since he had said goodbye to Wylan for the last time, he’d felt nauseous. 

“How long will you be gone?” asked Wylan.

“Just a few weeks,” Jesper said, his stomach aching with the lie. 

“Okay,” Wylan said quietly. He placed a soft kiss on Jesper’s cheek. “Send me drawings, okay Jes?” Jesper bit back tears. 

“Yeah,” He said, almost softer than Wylan had ever heard him speak. “Yeah I’ll send some to you.” Wylan raised himself onto his toes and kissed Jesper. Jesper’s hands immediately snaked around Wylan’s waist, bringing his body closer to Jesper’s. 

Wylan pulled away first, and it made Jepser want to sob. He looked at his feet. 

“Hey, I’ll see you when you get back, okay?” said Wylan.

“Yeah, of course.” The Zemini man pursed his lips and gave the shorter man a nod. 

“I’ve got to get back to Kaz, he’s got to tell me something, but I’ll see you soon,” Wylan said, walking backwards.

“Alright,” Jesper said, a sad smile plastered on his face.

“I miss you already!” Wylan called over his shoulder.

“I miss you too, love.”

Jesper felt the cold wind nip at his nose and ears. He wanted so badly to allow his long legs to take him to the Geldin District. He knew he could find the Van Eck estate easily, even though he’d only been there twice after Jan had gone to Hellgate. 

Instead he allowed his legs to carry him back to the Slat. 

WYLAN’S POV

It was month three when Wylan realized Jesper probably wasn’t coming back. The first time he came to terms with this, he cried for several hours, went back to the slat, found Nina, and cried more in her arms.

No one had heard any word from Jesper since he had left for Ravka. Every day Wylan checked his mail. He looked for Jesper’s writing because although he couldn’t read, he’d seen Jesper write enough to recognize his handwriting. Nothing.

It felt like Wylan cried every day now. He’d gone to the Crow Club a few times when he got into really bad spots, partially to get out of the house, and partially to drink.

Wylan wasn’t really a heavy drinker. He was a lightweight first of all, and second of all, he didn’t like the way it felt the day after. However, the comfort of the alcohol warming his cheeks held him over for a bit. 

On a rainy night, half past sundown, Wylan tossed and turned his bed. He couldn’t quite get comfortable, his bed was far too hot and the extra fluffy comforters weren’t helping. His brain was buzzing from the council meeting earlier that day, his mother reading the documents to him, him being distracted by the drawing that was tossed lazily in a drawer in his office. A drawing Jesper had made for him once upon a time. 

Wylan had done his best to erase all evidence that Jesper was ever there. He had shoved things into drawers, under beds, but the one thing he couldn’t bring himself to do, was throw anything out. He didn’t even mean to open the drawer. Mama had asked for a pen and he opened the top drawer mindlessly to be met with a ghost of his past. His long lost lover. No, Jesper had left him. Jesper lied and left, wanting nothing to do with Wylan. 

Wylan was suddenly angry again. He tossed and turned more in his bed before groaning and slipping out from under the covers. He treaded barefoot down the hall to Mama’s room, and peeked his head into the doorframe. Mama looked peaceful, good. That meant he could leave the house with peace of mind.

Wylan went back to his room to throw on a different pair of trousers, a shirt, and a coat. It seemed to be chilly that night anyways. 

He gave Anya, the housekeeper, a nod before he left out the back door to cross through the gardens to get to the street. He walked quickly when he got closer to the Crow Club, never having fully adjusted to the life of the Barrel. 

When he got to the bar, he patted his pocket once, just to make sure his kruge was still in there, and sat at a stool. He waved the waiter over and ordered a vodka tonic. It wasn’t his favorite drink, he much preferred something sweeter. But that night he needed to get drunk, and fast. 

He nearly downed the drink in one gulp, screwing his face up at the strong taste of the liquor. He smacked his lips and turned his head at the low chuckle next to him.

“Slow down there, you don’t want to get fucked up too fast. Might do something you regret.” A man next to him said. He was young, dark skin and dark brown hair. And brown eyes that Wylan found especially intriguing because they reminded him of a particular Zemeni man. It definitely wasn’t Jesper, but Jesper chose to leave. And once Wylan was drunk enough, maybe he could just pretend. After all, what harm could it do if Jesper was gone for good.

“And what makes you think I’ll regret what I do when I’m ‘fucked up’,” Wylan said, holding his chin up.

“You look like you’re drowning your sorrows. People who do that usually end up regretting their choices the morning after,” The man said.

Wylan stared him down for a moment, the buzz already getting to his head. “What’s your name?”

“Jakob.” He said. “Yours?”

“Wylan,” said Wylan. Jakob grunted. 

“So, Wylan, what are you running from?”

“I’m not–”

“No one drinks like that unless they need an escape,”  said Jakob

“My boyfriend.”

“You two got in a fight?” asked Jakob. Wylan scoffed. 

“He skipped town.” Jakob’s lips formed a circle, as if to silently say ‘oh.’

“Sorry to hear that, Wylan,” Jokob said. He waved the bartender down. “Another shot please, and one for my friend here. My treat.” Wylan went to protest but Jakob held his hand out. “You need one if you’re going to get as drunk as you want to be tonight. A vodka tonic isn’t going to cut it, no matter how scrawny you are.” He poked Wylan in the side and Wylan giggled and swatted his hand away. A wave of sadness fell over him as he suddenly missed Jesper again. 

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’ll take the shot, you don’t have to pay though,” said Wylan. 

“No no,  I insist.” Jakob grinned.

JESPER’S POV

“Kaz, I don’t know how much longer I can do this for–” Jesper barged into Kaz’s office, unannounced, though Kaz had heard him coming from a mile away. Kaz held up his hand. 

“Pekka is off the council.” Jesper’s face screwed up, confused.

“What?” 

“You can go back to Wylan now,” Kaz said, his face devoid of any emotion.

“Why didn’t– why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I sent a letter,” said Kaz.

“A letter,” Jesper repeated. 

“A letter,” Kaz affirmed, making Jesper more angry.

“Do you know how long it takes for post to travel?” Jesper said, squeezing his hands into fists.

“A few days, why?”

“Why didn’t you send Inej, or Matthias! You sent a letter?” 

“It was the safest way. I’m not sending an asset to tell you something that can be summed up in a quick envelope,” said Kaz.

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to come back?” Jesper asked, breathlessly.

“And you could’ve waited a few more days,” said Kaz. Jesper scoffed. 

“I can’t stand you.”

“He’s at the Crow Club right now,” said Kaz suddenly.

“What?” Jesper tilted his head.

“Wylan. He’s getting drunk at the Crow Club right now, if you want to find him.” Jesper shot Kaz one last glare before dashing out of the room and down the stairs of the slat.

“Jes?” Jesper heard Inej’s voice but he was too busy running to the Crow Club to stop and exchange pleasantries. 

“Lovely to see you Inej, gotta go,” he said quickly. 

He basically sprinted through the streets and barged through the front door of the bar. He looked over the crowd, his long legs greatly assisting with his search. And then… no, that couldn’t be. It couldn’t be… 

“Wy?”

WYLAN’S POV

“Wy?” Wylan had his arms tightly wrapped around Jakob’s neck and Jakob’s tongue was shoved down his throat when he heard it. His eyes shot open and he quickly pulled away, head spinning.

“You okay? Did I do something wrong?” Jakob asked, his eyes glittering with concern.

“No, no, I just thought I heard…” And Wylan’s eyes landed on him. Jesper. He was back. Wylan’s eyes filled with tears. 

“I need to go,” He said, unwrapping his arms from around Jakob’s neck and walking towards Jesper. But Jesper was already storming off. 

“Jes!” Wylan called, stumbling out onto the streets of the Barrel. Jesper was nearly double the distance away from Wylan than he was when he started chasing him. 

“Jesper!” He still didn’t turn around. 

“Jesper Fahey!” Wylan called, his words slurring.

“What?” Jesper snapped as he turned around. “What do you want from me?”

“Jes…” Wylan said, stumbling closer to his boyfriend. It hadn’t yet sunk in that he had technically just cheated. But it was far more complicated than that, right? The pit in Wylan’s stomach honestly couldn’t tell the difference. “M’sorry,” was all he could muster before he collapsed in Jesper’s arms. 

___

He couldn’t remember when he ended up back in the slat, or how he had gotten there in the first place. He was on Jesper’s old bed… wait, Jesper. Jesper was there. Or he had been there at least. Or was he? Wylan’s head was spinning. Surely the alcohol had just gotten to his head too much and he had imagined it. He remembered Jakob, and then kissing Jakob, and then… oh Ghezen. Jesper really had been there. And he’d seen everything. 

He sat up, groaning. His stomach lurched and he quickly ran to the restroom to throw up the contents of his stomach from the night before. He sat on the wooden floor of the bathroom, hunched over the toilet, his head spinning and his heart hurting. He threw up once more and dry heaved after that, sobbing. Partially because he hated throwing up, and partially because even if he thought Jesper was never coming back before, he was definitely never coming back now. 

When he was about done dry heaving and choking on his own spit, he fell back against the wall. He curled his legs up into his chest and sobbed. 

“You look a mess.” Wylan didn’t even register the person that was talking to him. He hiccuped. “Oh c'mere love.” Wylan felt long, strong arms wrap around him. He still couldn’t move. He still wasn’t processing that it was Jesper holding him.

“M’sorry. I’m so sorry,” Wylan said between sobs. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“I forgive you.” Jesper said. Wylan stopped crying for a second. He looked at Jesper.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know, and I said I forgive you.”

“Why?” Wylan said, wiping tears from his cheeks that now felt raw. 

“Because, I can see what it looked like to you.”

“See what what looked like to me?”

“It looked like I left. Wylan, Kaz sent me away. I didn’t leave you. I never wanted to leave in the first place. To you it must have looked like I left you because I didn’t– I wasn’t– well it doesn't matter why you thought I had left. Point is, Kaz sent me away to protect you. Pekka was on the council and Kaz knew it wasn’t safe for him to know you were with me. Any association with the Dregs while he was still around wasn’t safe. I’m sorry I didn’t…” Jesper felt his eyes well up with tears. 

“Oh,” Wylan said softly. “I thought you hated me.”

Jesper’s breath hitched. “Hate you? Wy, I could never hate you. I love you so much. So so much.”

“Oh,” Wylan said again. “Sorry.”

“You mentioned that. But you don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault, it’s not mine either. You were trying to cope.”

“Sorry,” Wylan said again, his eyes avoiding Jesper’s. Jesper sighed. 

“Wylan, look at me.” Wylan did not look at him. Jesper sighed again. He gently took Wylan’s chin in his hand and turned his head to look at him. Wylan’s eyes didn’t move from the spot on the floor. “Wy, please loo k at me.” Jesper’s voice cracked a bit. Wylan’s eyes looked up. “I swear, I will never leave you again. And if Kaz tells me to leave again, I won’t. I see how badly this hurt you. I won’t do it again, okay?” Wylan just looked at Jesper. 

“Okay?” Jesper asked again. He moved Wylan’s head up and down to nod yes, and spoke in a high pitched voice out of the corner of his mouth. “Okay, Jesper!” Jesper said, making Wylan crack a smile. “Okay?” Jesper asked again.

Wylan looked down and smiled. “Okay,” he said softly.

“There,” Jesper said. “Now, let’s get you a cold glass of water and a cold rag. It’ll help with the headache.”