Chapter Text
On a cold winter night outside of Paramount Studios, Kelly ducks past a rowdy crowd of fans to reach the limo pulling up on the street. Gustavo asks as he steps out, “Where am I, and why am I freezing?!”
Kelly hands him a coffee. “You’re in Minnesota.”
“What’s up, Minnesota?!”
The crowd cheers, only for Daria to silence them with a raised hand as she also leaves the limo. She shuts the door and catches up just as Gustavo says, “I hate all of them. And this state for freezing my latte!”
He overturns the cup, dropping a brick of frozen coffee into Kelly’s hand. “Also, I need a bigger coat. Dasha?”
With practiced ease, Daria takes the cup and throws it over her shoulder, sending it flying into the garbage can they pass by. She leans over to tell Kelly, “This is why we wear gloves.”
“Yes, I know, Dasha.” Dropping the coffee-brick, Kelly flaps her hands and wipes them on her coat. To Gustavo, she adds, “Okay, it’s our last stop, so just focus and try not to make everybody cry. Somewhere here is your next big star, I can feel it.”
Daria winces even before Gustavo rounds on Kelly, pointing to himself. “I’m the star! What I need is a canvas with great hair that I can paint my pop on! I need a singing block of wood that I can set on fire!”
Kelly nods primly, while he starts looking around. “So where in, uh-”
Daria leans over to join Kelly in saying, “Minnesota.”
“Where in Minnesota is my fire?!”
Kelly and Daria share a look, as if debating who will speak first. Daria finally raises her hand, and although Gustavo pinches his nose, he does gesture to her. “Speak.”
“Should we not go inside and find out?”
Gustavo glances back at the building still looming over them. “…I don’t like it when you make sense. I don’t pay you to make sense - that’s her job.”
While he points to Kelly - who instantly raises her hands in defense - Daria simply shrugs. “I’m adaptable.”
“And that’s why we keep you around.” Gustavo reaches out to clap her shoulder, pushing his sunglasses down just enough to give her a pointed look. “But I do hope you’ve dusted off that black belt.”
Daria mirrors him with her own sunglasses before she pushes them back up, making a show of cracking her knuckles. “I can’t just let it go to waste, now, can I?”
“Attagirl.” Gustavo gives her a nod that he would never admit is proud and turns to lead the way inside. “Let’s go get me a star!”
Daria and Kelly share another brief look, a silent prayer for the citizens of Minnesota, then they follow behind.
///
In the auditorium, Gustavo and Kelly sit at a table, listening to performances that range from off-key to downright awful - in Gustavo’s professional opinion. At some point Kelly asks him after a nun is sent packing, “You know these people have feelings, right?”
“Oh, neat. Guess what I have? Twenty-nine platinum records!”
From where she stands next to the table, Daria briefly turns her head to hold her ear. Gustavo continues, “I don’t need feelings! What I need is the guy the record company paid me a million dollars to find to make my fire! And if you and I do not find him or her, we’re fired!”
He points as another wannabe struts up on stage. “Keep walking! Don’t stop at the microphone, just keep walking! And goodbye!”
While Daria goes to usher the contestant back where he came from, Kelly tells Gustavo, “Don’t worry, signups aren’t until 5:00, and it’s-“ She freezes as she checks her phone. “One minute ‘til 5:00.”
Daria spins around to shout, “Duck!”
She and Kelly both drop down, protecting their ears while Gustavo hits the table and screams with rage. He claps to get both their attention and points back toward the door. “Both of you, get out there and find me some people who actually have talent!”
Kelly scrambles out of her seat, righting it when it nearly tips over. “On it!”
Daria salutes and follows her up the stairs, out into the atrium. As they find positions at the table, Kelly looks at her, somewhere between hopeful and desperate. “This is the last place we’ve searched. There has to be something, right?”
Leaning back against the table, Daria adjusts her sunglasses as she looks over the line of hopefuls still waiting. “Well, what is Minnesota known for, exactly?…Corn?”
While she tilts her head, Kelly sighs and swipes a hand over her face. “Let’s just try to get this over with.”
Just as they’ve prepared to vet more contestants, another opportunity runs up, nearly tripping over the table in his haste. “My name is James Diamond, and I wanna be famous!”
He performs a surprisingly well-executed run, but yelps as Kelly sticks a paper with a number on it to his chest. Handing him a clipboard, she says, “Fill out the rest of this sheet and wait for your number to be called.”
James and his friends celebrating is broken up by the latest contestant being dragged out by security. She stops her tirade to calmly say upon seeing the boys, “Oh, hey, guys!”
The boys all awkwardly wave. “Hey, Jenny…”
“He’s evil! I’m a star!”
As Jenny is dragged away, Daria leans over to call out, “They all say that!”
She solemnly shakes her head and turns back just in time for Kelly to point to Logan. “You, name?”
“Me? Oh, no, thank you, I’m gonna be a doctor.”
“Yeah, well, I’m a desperate talent scout, and you have a cute smile, and Justin Timberlake made forty-four million dollars last year.”
“Hit me.”
Kelly slaps a number on Logan, followed by Carlos as he also jumps in. This leaves Kelly to turn to Kendall. “You! Tall, blonde and eyebrows. You want your dreams to come true today?”
Kendall gives her a charmingly placid smile. “Sorry, my dream is to play center for the Minnesota Wild. But I’ll also consider the Maple Leafs.”
“Oh. Dasha?”
Daria grabs another number to slap it on Kendall’s chest. Leaning closer to Kelly, she remarks, “I don’t think he heard you say ‘desperate’.”
“Guess not. Well-“ Kelly turns to push the clipboard James is holding just as he tries flipping the page. “810 is next.”
James swallows and rips off his number to swap with Logan. “Oh, look! You’re next!”
Daria shakes her head again, turning to follow Kelly back into the auditorium. “Pathetic…”
She returns to her post, meaning that along with Gustavo and Kelly, she ends up subject to Logan’s beatboxing. Gustavo finally tells him to stop and proceeds to rant so violently that when Daria escorts Logan back outside, he’s all-but trembling.
“Don’t go in there!” Logan tells his friends as Daria lightly pushes him into a seat. “He-He’s Satan! He’s Satan with bug-eye sunglasses!”
He curls up into a ball, rocking back and forth. Daria regards him with a tilt of her head and a hand to her heart. “Oh, you poor thing. You would not survive the winter where I come from.”
She lightly pats Logan’s head and spins to give James a smile, bright but still somewhat vicious. “811 is next.”
Again, James tears off his number to swap with Carlos, clapping the paper onto his friend’s chest. “All you, buddy! Go get ‘em.”
Daria pushes her sunglasses down just enough for him to see her judgmental stare. “Coward.”
While James gawks, she spins back around and gestures for Carlos to follow her. “You, with me!”
Putting on his lucky helmet, Carlos gives Logan a supportive clap on the shoulder and scurries off. In the auditorium, Carlos vaults over the railing to reach the stage, performing a bizarre sort of lead-in before promptly farting into the microphone. Kelly and Daria both scramble to hold Gustavo back before he can throttle a teenager - not for the first time, and likely not for the last.
“I’ve got him, Dasha,” Kelly says once Gustavo has relatively calmed down, still holding him in place. “You go grab the next one.”
Daria nods and moves to put a hand on Carlos’ back just as he leaves the stage, ushering him toward the door. She tells him under her breath, “Trust me, this is more for your safety than his.”
Back outside, Carlos raises his arms and turns to his friends with a grin. “Not going to Hollywood!”
He gives them all high-fives as he goes to sit back down. Daria studies him with narrowed eyes through her sunglasses. “Strangely enough, I can admire your confidence. Your friend could learn from that.”
She pats his shoulder, missing out on how much Carlos perks up as she turns to James. “Speaking of which: 812 is up.”
James tries swapping numbers with Kendall, who stops him. “James, this is your dream. Not mine.” He stands them both up. “Now, remember, opportunities like this come once in a lifetime. Now grab onto that dream with both hands, and go big time!”
He pushes James through the door, into the auditorium. Daria gives Kendall a small clap of respect and says, “It’s nice that at least one of you has a spine. Excuse me:”
She ducks past to follow after James, which leaves Kendall to notice how Carlos stares after her, awestruck. Glancing at a still-traumatized Logan, Kendall mutters, “Oh, no.”
He claps his hands together and hauls both his friends up onto their feet. “Come on, James is gonna need the moral support.”
Along with Mrs. Madjakowski, they sneak into the auditorium, just in time to watch James choke mid-song. Gustavo says in response to him asking to start over, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, start over!”
Just as James grabs the mic again, Gustavo continues, “Why don’t you, uh, go outside, and then just don’t come back in? Okay? Next!”
“But I’m good!”
“I don’t need ‘good’. I need the fire!” Gustavo performs spirit-fingers. “Okay? I need someone to knock me out of my seat! And as you can tell, I’m still in it, because you. Have. No talent!”
“No talent?!” Kendall shoots up from his hiding spot and storms over. “No talent? You’re the one who’s no talent! You haven’t had a hit in ten years!”
Daria reels back and gives him a warning stare over her sunglasses, while Gustavo points. “Hey, Girl to My Heart was a hit nine years ago!”
“Oh, Girl to My Heart. Let me see if I can remember that rock classic.”
Kendall proceeds to mockingly perform the song, jumping on the table and even shoving at Gustavo. Grabbing the ruined coffee cup off the table, Kelly says, “Woah! Dasha!”
Daria pulls Kendall down from the table, even as he switches to singing about how much of a turd Gustavo is. The other security rushes over to help, only for Kendall’s friends - along with Mrs. Madjakowski - to jump in and protect him. While holding back the cane Mrs. Madjakowski is swinging at her, Daria notices Kelly on the phone and simply shakes her head. “This is not the ‘fire’ we were looking for.”
///
The boys get a police escort back to Kendall’s house, where to their surprise, Gustavo, Kelly and Daria show up at the front door. James cheers and latches onto Gustavo in a hug. “I knew you’d come back for me!”
“Dasha!”
Daria pulls James away by the back of his shirt like a misbehaving kitten, visibly unimpressed as she shoves him back toward the group. “Mr. Rocque does not do ‘hugs’.”
Gustavo gives her a nod and reveals who he’s actually here for, prompting Kendall’s mother to welcome the visitors inside. Sitting in front of the group, Gustavo takes off his sunglasses as he says, “Mrs. Knight, I wanna take your family to Los Angeles and produce some demo tracks, with Kendall.”
He gestures to Kendall, who says, “You can’t be serious.”
Kelly assures Mrs. Knight, “We’ll take care of all your expenses.”
Meanwhile, Gustavo says, “Kendall! You have the fire.” He performs the usual spirit-fingers. “You also have anger management issues. Some people say I have anger management issues, but I also have five houses!”
Although everyone flinches at his shout, James attempts to start singing again. Gustavo silences him with a raised hand. “Stop it, please, don’t ever do that again. Thank you.”
James hugs his knees, and Daria gives him a somewhat indifferent shrug. “You had your chance.”
She then notices Carlos watching her with stars still in his eyes and points. “Why is that one staring at me?”
Clearing his throat, Logan leans over to pull Carlos back. “He does that sometimes.”
Loud enough for only Carlos to hear, he says, “Play it cool!”
“I’m trying!”
“Not hard enough.”
Daria tilts her head, squinting at the boys through her sunglasses. “I’m not sure I want any part of this…”
Oblivious to the teenage drama, Kelly takes over to say, “Kendall, we’ve traveled to twenty-two cities. We’ve auditioned over twenty thousand people, and Gustavo’s picked you!”
Gustavo gestures grandly as if that speaks for itself, only for Kendall to say, “But I’m not a singer.”
Katie brings out examples to argue, until he stops her. Now holding a cup of tea, Gustavo raises it as he asks, “So…what do you say, kiddo, huh? Wanna go up to LA and be molded and shaped into a big old star by the Gustavo Rocque?”
Looking around at all his family and friends watching imploringly, Kendall answers, “No.”
Carlos laughs at first, only for it to taper off when Daria gestures for him to stop. Gustavo drops his teacup and says as he stands, “I’m gonna need to take a minute. I’m gonna take a minute right now.”
With a false sort of calm, he leaves the room, while Kelly is already counting up money. Holding up a few bills, she says, “That’s for the teacup.”
At the sound of a loud crash, she sighs and puts more money on the table. “And the planter outside. Dasha?”
No one had even noticed Daria leave, but she returns from the kitchen with a broom to gather the remains of the teacup. Meanwhile, Kelly hands Kendall her card. “Here’s my card. If you change your mind, call. You should think about this, Kendall.”
Daria looks up from sweeping to add, “We leave tomorrow at 2.”
She leans over to carefully put the dustpan on the table, which brings her almost face to face with Carlos. Shrinking back against the couch, Carlos all-but squeaks out a, “Hi.”
Daria lightly cocks a brow, an amused smile playing on her lips. “Hi?”
Carlos smiles back in a way that can only be described as lovesick - until Kelly says, heading for the door, “Let’s go, Dasha.”
“Hm.” Daria straightens up instantly, turning to leave the broom propped on the mantle. She takes a second to tell Mrs. Knight with surprising warmth, “You have a lovely home.”
“Thank you…”
Nodding, Daria holds two fingers up toward Kendall as she starts backing away. When Kendall gives her a thumbs up, she shoots one more brief glance over at Carlos, then she follows Kelly outside. While Katie asks Kendall upside the head and calls him an idiot, Carlos fumbles to grab Logan’s arm. “Did you see that?”
Glancing at the door as it shuts behind Daria, Logan simply shakes his head. “You’re hopeless.”
///
After Kendall’s friends manage to convince him to call Gustavo after all, Kendall brings an ultimatum to the table: if he goes, they all go. Thus, the boys - along with Katie and Mrs. Knight - pack up to move to LA.
Leading all of them through a hotel entrance, Kelly says, “You guys are gonna love it here. The rooms are clean, you’re close to the studio, and there ur an amazing pool.”
The boys all promptly run off, and before Kelly can even look at her, Daria sighs. She dusts off her outfit and adjusts her sunglasses, giving Kelly a nod. “I will watch them.”
Kelly nods back and tells Mrs. Knight as she leaves, “They’re in good hands.”
Daria arrives at the pool just in time to watch a girl slap Kendall across the face and shout at him. Daria is already bracing for a fight, but then the girl runs off dramatically crying and she pauses. “Ah. Of course.”
Leaning over in his seat, Kendall asks, “What just happened?”
“You new guys just met Camille. The Palm Woods method actress Queen.”
At the sound of the new voice, everyone looks around. Kendall takes the lid off the trash can beside him, and a young boy pops out. “The name’s Tyler. You might have seen me in various juice box commercials. Only, I don’t wanna be an actor! I wanna be a kid!”
His mother calls his name, and he ducks back into the can. “Hide me!”
Kendall puts the lid back on and turns as Tyler’s mother asks, “Have you seen my son? Red hair, adorable, born to be a star? We’ve got an audition!”
The boys send her away, and Daria comes to pull the lid back off of the can. “You can come out now, Tyler.”
Tyler pops back up to beam at her. “Oh, hey, Dasha! And thanks, guys.”
“Hm.”
Pointing to Daria, James asks, “Where did you come from?”
Daria gives him another unimpressed look over her sunglasses as she puts the lid down. “I followed you, of course. You are my charges now; I can’t have you out of my sight.”
Carlos not-so-lightly pushes Kendall out of the way to lean over. “So you’re, like, our security?”
“Yes. And I can see you’re going to make my job very difficult.” Daria eyes all of the boys and pushes her sunglasses back up. “But I enjoy a challenge.”
While Carlos is busy celebrating in his own little world, Kendall takes the chance to push him away. “It’d be nice to have some breathing room again, thanks, man.”
Tyler introduces the boys to a few famous faces around the hotel, including triple threats the Jennifers. Daria warns the boys as the Jennifers walk by, “Don’t-“
“Hey!”
The Jennifers turn in response to James’ call, and he says, “We’re in a band.”
“Really? Oh, my gosh!”
“And we’re actresses who don’t care. So-“
“Later!”
One of the Jennifers gives Tyler money for manning the fan involved in their dramatic entrance, and they all leave. Pinching her temple, Daria reaches out and blindly smacks James upside the head.
“Ow!” James shrinks back, holding his head. “You’re gonna mess up my hair!”
Daris mockingly holds a hand to her heart. “Oh, no. I would hate to ruin the merchandise.”
Just for good measure, she flicks his temple, ignoring his yelp. “You’ll do well not to ignore me again, Diamond.”
Folding her arms, she glares at him for a second longer and goes to say something to Tyler. The other boys all share a look, and Logan mutters, “She is scary.”
Kendall agrees, “No kidding.”
Meanwhile, Carlos slides down in his chair, all starry-eyed again. “I am so in love!”
Kendall looks back at Logan, who just shakes his head. Kendall does the same and shifts to get everyone’s attention. “Okay; reality check. We have to promise ourselves now that we are not gonna let this singing thing or this town change us.”
Daria looks over her shoulder with a quiet scoff. “Good luck. Tyler, go get me a drink, please?”
While Tyler scurries off, Kendall continues, “We’re are four hockey players from Minnesota, and we can never forget that. Do we all agree?”
“Yes!”
But ten minutes later, the boys are all lounging on floaties in the pool. Kendall muses, “Once you sip from a real coconut, there’s no going back.”
“So true!”
Perched on the edge of a chair, Daria just shakes her head at them. “Idiots.”
She sips her banana smoothie, before a knock on the can beside her gets her attention. Daria puts her smoothie down and grabs a can of soda with a straw inside, lifting the lid so Tyler can drink. Tyler’s hand pops out to give her a thumbs up, and Daria returns it, then she gets back to watching her new charges.
In her opinion, chances are high that it’s only downhill from here. But at least it should be entertaining.