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He played it off as a joke. It got the other members to chuckle with him, along with a few words of encouragement that he has no reason to believe what he said. Somehow, no matter how many times the guys told him he was the best looking, he could never believe it for himself. The rest of the interview progressed as expected, but not without Gabi thinking he’s not enough to be part of the group. He kept up a smile throughout, without letting it down to not alert the others of the looming thought crowding his mind.
For dinner that night, they were treated to a traditional Korean barbecue place. Normally they’d settle for some street food or something casual, but Eric’s team set it up as a thank you for being on the show. The night went smoothly for the most part. The guys’ laughing, joking around, and simply sharing their goals for the group and what they want to do while still in Korea.
Gabi might’ve had a few too many shots of soju under the impression that the others didn’t notice. They were all sharing the bottles, hands were always crowding the table to either prepare the food or reaching for something else, so he thought he could manage to sneak some more shots than what they agreed to take. However, Alejandro’s sharp eye caught glimpses of him sipping more than what he should’ve. He held his tongue because he wasn’t sure whether making a joke or being concerned would be better at that moment.
Before heading back to the hotel, a few of the guys went to a little convenience store for a few snacks in case they got hungry in the middle of the night. Kauê and Kenneth were too tired and called it a night and went on ahead. Drew grabbed a few different packs of candy. Alejandro couldn't help but to grab the hottest flavor of ramen, despite warning from the cashier that it may be too hot to handle for foreigners. He proceeded to get it anyway because the cute little duck on the package was too kawaii to resist.
Gabi’s little basket consisted of some chips on top. He had them positioned to cover up the bottles of soju underneath. He tried staying behind the others as much as possible to not let them catch what he was trying to hide.
The others had already paid for their things and were waiting for Gabi by the entrance. He waves them off, saying they could go ahead and he’d meet them back at the hotel. Watching his friends leave, he started placing his items on the counter.
The cashier gladly rang up his items, but stopped when she saw the alcohol. She asked to see his I.D., to which he complied, then she went back to cheerfully ringing everything up. His mini haul consisted of three random flavors of Lays chips that he had never heard of before along with five different flavors of soju. The pineapple one being his favorite. He managed to find a mango-flavored brand that he couldn’t resist getting.
Paying with cash to not leave a trail of questions to why he spent so much at the small store, he quickly bagged everything and went on his way. He even got an extra bag to shove between the bottles to help conceal the sound of them clacking.
Back at the hotel, the boys were given their own rooms, which was fortunate for Gabi because it lessened the risk of being caught. It’s not like they were banned from drinking, but if one of the members happened to do a live or post a picture with all the bottles in the background it could lead to more restrictions and conversations that they didn’t want to happen.
Gabi sat alone in his room. He made sure all the blinds were covering any windows. Despite being on the tenth floor, he didn’t want to take any chances of any crazy fans using drones to spy on them. And with it being dark outside, he wouldn’t be able to see any hidden cameras.
With his legs cross-crossed, he unloaded the shopping bag in front of him. He lined up the soju in order of what he wanted to drink first. The peach one seemed like a good start.
He untwisted the cap and took the first sip. He couldn’t hold back making a scrunched face at the taste as the liquid slid down his throat. He still wasn’t used to this type. A warm and tingling sensation circulated through his chest as he swallowed. He knew he would get adjusted to the taste after a while.
What mattered now was getting as much down as he could to start making himself feel better. Another shot down. Another step closer to thinking he could think of himself how others thought about him.
Once the first soju was finished, the green grape flavor was up next in his roulette of alcohol. About halfway through that bottle, he looked towards the wall mirror on the side of the room. Seeing his reflection, he scuffed in disgust at the sight staring back at him. He felt like throwing up. Not because of how much he had to drink already, but because he couldn’t handle looking at himself.
As he attempted to stand, his legs felt wobbly as he tried keeping balance. He held onto the desk for a second to regain control of his body. He made sure each step towards the mirror was grounded before taking another.
Reaching the mirror, he forced himself to stare himself in the eyes. His face was a little red from the amount that he drank so far. His hair was a sheveled mess that would look hot on someone else if they went with a rugged look. When he had gotten back to his room, he changed into a white tank top and a loose pair of shorts, and his tank top had shifted to hang off one shoulder, a slippage of a nipple in progress.
How could anyone think I’m attractive? Gabi thought to himself. Stupid golden hair too bright for anyone to look at. Big lips that overpower my partner when trying to kiss them. Shifty eyes that people don’t want to lock with. Pathetic body that no one wishes they could have.
Taking another sip, he stared himself in the eyes as he gulped. Perhaps this would change people’s perception about him. Alcoholism wasn’t a very attractive detail a person could have. He wouldn’t say he was an alcoholic by any means, but he wanted to drink enough to make him forget having to share with the world that he was meant to be the visual of the group when he believed all the other guys were better looking than him.
As he lifted the bottle, he noticed it was empty. Without thinking, he tossed it towards the trash can. Sure enough, it wasn’t subtle. It had hit the wall and broke into a few pieces before falling into the can.
“Shit!” Gabi exclaimed louder than his normal tone.
Not a second later, a knock on the door made Gabi’s focus shift. His brain scattered around trying to figure out what to do first. As he stepped away from the mirror, his balance was wobbly. He tried bending over to pick up the other bottles, but he couldn’t keep his position as he fell over and knocked himself against the desk.
“Fuck!” Another exclamation left his lips.
Another knock on the door. This time it was harder and louder. He could hear his name being called, but couldn’t recognize the voice.
He quickly scooted the bottles underneath the bed before attempting to stand. Back on his feet, he slowly made his way to the door. Looking through the peephole, he noticed Alejandro on the other side. He appeared worried. He lifted his hand to knock again, but Gabi opened the door.
“Is everything alright?” Alejandro asked as he made his way inside and closed the door. He wore a new set of pajamas that he bought the other day. A fluffy pair of Hello Kitty pants with a matching black character shirt. “I came to see how you were doing, and then I heard a loud noise and you swearing.”
Gabi couldn't look him in the eyes. The embarrassment of having to explain himself was too much for him to come to terms with. He tried coming up with a lie that was believable, but he also didn’t want to lie to his best friend.
He scratched the back of his head, nothing coming to mind of what to say. His eyes wandered to everywhere other than the man in front of him.
“What’s that?” Alejandro asked.
Still not looking at him, Gabi tried finding what he could be talking about. Soon enough, he thought he found what he was talking about. The remaining bottles of soju weren’t fully covered. The necks of them were poking out from under the bed.
Alejandro picked all three up, trying to analyze what they were doing here. There didn’t seem to be any signs of judgement or anger coming from him.
“Did you plan on drinking all these tonight?” he asked.
Gabi stayed silent for a second. He rubbed the side of his arm, looking down at the carpet. “Perhaps.”
“Look at me.” The sternness of his voice was both commanding yet soft with concern. “Please.”
Slowly lifting his head, he finally met Alejandro in his eyes. He felt like letting out tears, but tried staying as put together as he could. “I don't think I was going to drink all of them.”
As soon as Alejandro breathed, he inhaled the scent of Gabi’s stenched breath. “You’ve already had some, haven't you?”
Gabi nodded with a tinge of shame overwhelming him. He felt like a child getting scolded by their parents for breaking some sort of rule. He didn’t know if Alejandro was going to tell their manager about this or if he would get into actual trouble.
“Only two,” Gabi stated softly.
“Two bottles?” Alejandro asked, trying to make sure he heard correctly. “Even after the extra shots you had at dinner?”
Gabi was sure no one had noticed. “I needed them.”
“Need is a strong word when it comes to soju. What did you need them for?” He tried to sound as understanding as possible.
Gabi shuffled in place. “I was having some bad thoughts and wanted to clear my head and forget about it all.”
Alejandro wanted to cry. He wanted to reach out and give him the strongest hug he could possibly give. “And you thought drinking was the best idea? I’m right next door. You could’ve come to talk to me about anything if you needed help.”
“I’m sorry.” With that, Gabi’s eyes began watering, but he still tried keeping any tears within himself. He could no longer stand. He plopped down in the bed, keeping as upright as he could as his body felt dizzy as he moved. “I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.”
“You’re not a burden.” Alejandro sat beside him, setting the bottles on the bedside table. “Annoyingly charming, sure.”
That managed to get a soft chuckle from him. But that moment didn’t last long before his mind took over. “I don’t think Hybe made the right choice.”
The positive mindset Alejandro tried keeping quickly dropped. Fear coursed through his body at the possibility of what was about to escape Gabi’s mouth. His chest tightened, his breathing getting a bit shaky, and his hands gripped his pants.
“What do you mean?” Alejandro asked, trying to keep his tone neutral. God, he didn’t want to hear what was coming next. He prayed for it to be anything other than him wanting to leave the group.
Gabi let out a deep sigh. “I don’t think I fit in with what they want.”
Alejandro stopped breathing for a second. He refused to allow his ears to deceive his mind into thinking of the worst possible scenario. His legs began shaking uncontrollably. For the love of everything, he hoped this was just the alcohol talking.
“I don’t think I’m right for the visual role.” The words left Gabi’s mouth like a dagger was striking his throat.
A part of Alejandro was relieved, another part wanted to wrap Gabi within his arms and reassure him, but another part was confused. “That’s what this was about?”
He didn’t mean for it to come out as harsh as it did, but Gabi didn’t seem to notice. He simply nodded. “I don’t think I’m all that special enough for that. Look at me.”
All Alejandro wanted to do was look at Gabi and tell him he’s perfect. He never wanted to not look at him. He questioned how he could ever think he was anything less than magnificent.
“What do you think I see?” Alejandro asked sincerely.
“Right now? Probably a disgrace.” The shame in Gabi’s voice filled the room. “I shouldn’t have drunk all that. I just didn’t know what else to do to get my mind off it.”
The bed got lighter as Alejandro stood and walked to the bathroom. He came back out with a little glass filled with water, extending it to Gabi. “You need something else in you.”
“Thanks,” Gabi said after another sip.
Alejandro sat back down next to him. He knew he had to pick his words carefully. “Why are you doubting your position?”
Gabi finished the water, keeping the glass in his hands to fidget with. The deepest sigh left his lips. He was about to put a lot of trust on the line, hoping it doesn’t come back to hurt him.
“I don’t think I’m visual material.” The words came out so planely.
Alejandro stayed silent, wanting to allow Gabi to take as much time as he needed. He observed his behavior the best he could. No doubt about whether Gabi was unsure. Almost as if he believed it to be the truth when it couldn’t have been further.
“I grew up thinking I wasn’t handsome enough, or up to standard.” Gabi began stuttering, trying so hard to keep his composure, but failing.
The crystal water that was building up in his eyes began trailing down his crimson face. The glass dropped to the floor when he needed to wipe his face and hide himself from being seen in that state. Never had he felt so weak, so vulnerable. Everything that he was told he was but didn’t want to believe.
Alejandro balled his fist. Anger coursing his veins at the thought of any inferior being ever letting Gabi believe such unfathomable ideas about himself. He even cursed at himself at not making sure Gabi knew it wasn’t true from all the times they’ve spent together.
“I’m proud to be Puerto Rican,” Gabi said with some assurance. “But when people found out I was born in Miami, that information suddenly made people think I wasn’t enough for them.”
Alejandro couldn't help but feel even more outraged. How dare anyone undermine Gabi’s identity and self-worth.
Gabi took a second to collect his thoughts to not make the waterworks worse. “People around me would say that I looked too American. That I didn’t fit in with everyone else. I kept being called an ugly American that it was engrained in my mind to be true. I don’t think I’ll ever consider myself to be visually appealing.”
Not holding himself back anymore, Alejandro pulled Gabi in for a hug. The two embraced each other, Alejandro’s hands rubbing over Gabi’s back in comforting circles. Gabi let his tears fall out without any hesitation, damping Alejandro’s shirt. Alejandro reached one hand up and gave soft pats to Gabi’s hair.
The two sat there, captured in their warm embrace, wanting nothing more than to stay like this for the rest of the night. They managed to get their breathing to calm down and synchronize. Their chests against one another, beating hearts aligned for what felt like a moment of uncertain bliss.
Gabi’s sobs had settled down, so he pulled away. The two kept their arms tangled together, refusing to part ways. Never had Gabi felt so vulnerable, yet close, with someone, let alone another guy. It felt so different, but not in a way that he didn’t want it to end, or see what else could further blossom from this.
Alejandro looked into Gabi’s watery eyes, soul aching that he felt like that. He brought his hand over to Gabi’s eye, using his thumb to wipe away stray tears. Seeing how his eyes were like gems in the night sky, shining wherever they looked. His thumb graced over to his blushing cheek. It’s red as a crayon streak across white paper, presumably from the alcohol, or perhaps from something else that was building up within him.
Finally reaching Gabi’s chin, Alejandro rested his hand under it, admiring the structure of his cheekbones and all the intricate details that made Gabi a wonder of the world to him. His thumb slightly brushed against Gabi’s bottom lip, pulling it down for a quick moment before it recoiled back into place. Lifting his head, the two stared deeper into each other, trying to figure out if what they were thinking was the best course of action.
The internet could be writing the most heinous things about him, but all Gabi would care about was how Alejandro made him feel. How he made his heart skip a beat. How he made his blood rush to places that no one has caused before. How time stopped whenever they had their private talks about life. How he never felt insecure in his looks whenever he was around him.
Gabi coughed before finding the words to continue. “I usually make jokes about being the visual to cover up how I feel about myself. I’ll be the first one mocking myself so that way when others make comments it won’t hit as hard.”
A few sniffles came from Alejandro. “You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. If only you could see the beauty that I see.”
Gabi’s ears twitched, thinking that he might’ve misheard. “How do you see me?”
Words could never describe the sensation Alejandro felt while being in Gabi’s presence. If only he could show him his worth.
“Like an angel blessed on this earth, enchanting us with your breathtaking aura.” The words flowed effortlessly from Alejandro. “Don’t let some haters get in your head. Hell, they’re probably all jealous they could never match your visual assertion on the world.”
This time, Gabi was certain the reddening of his face was due to Alejandro. There wasn’t a lot he could blame on the alcohol anymore, well, other than the turning feeling in his gut. “You really think so?”
“I know so. There’s no one I’d rather have the pleasure of being allowed to bask in all their glory. The only person that is allowed to tell you how worthy you are is yourself. And I know deep down you know you’re nothing like what those assholes make you out to be. If it means anything, I think you’re the most breathtaking person in the world.”
For a moment, time felt frozen. Neither guy was able to process what was going on. It all felt too good to be real. Maybe Gabi was imagining everything due to all the soju that was in his system. That had to be it. No other explanation made any sense as to why this was happening.
The clock was ticking. If Gabi wanted to do something, it was now or never. Still thinking this was all in his head and there was nothing to lose, he let the lump in his throat disperse as he swallowed any sort of hesitation.
With a leap of faith, Gabi thrusted forward. Their lips fully made contact with one another. Despite Gabi’s breath having the lingering odor of soju, Alejandro’s mouth held the refreshing taste of toothpaste from when he brushed his teeth before his arrival. His lips invited him in with the softness of two fresh pillows with a chilled touch. He breathed in the scent of the new body wash he had bought when they first arrived in Korea. Sweet cherry blossoms fitting for a spring Prince.
There wasn’t any initial pushback. Alejandro stayed in place, letting Gabi roam his mouth as much as he desired. What he did do was rummage his hand through the blond’s hair. He didn’t want to risk doing anything further while he knew Gabi wasn’t in a fully sober mindset, but he sure as hell would’ve wanted more.
The kiss ended abruptly as Gabi pulled away. A look of horror plastered across his face as though he committed the worst crime imaginable. Alejandro remained still in place, looking at him with wide eyes.
“I’m so fucking sorry!” Gabi shouted as he scooted away. He hit his head with the palm of his hand. “I shouldn’t have done that. That was so inappropriate. God, please forgive me!”
Alejandro quickly placed a hand on Gabi’s shoulder. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong.”
Gabi shook his head in disbelief. “I thought I was hallucinating this whole thing. I thought it would all fade away.”
“But I’m here. I will always be here with you.”
Gabi forced himself to face Alejandro. Rather than expected rage, Alejandro’s soothing eyes eased some of the pain building in Gabi. “What are you saying?”
Alejandro paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. He needed the next thing to come out right. “Why do you think I immediately bonded with you at boot camp? Or every time you go to the gym I ask if I can join you? What about all the nights we’ve stayed up just chatting away until the morning sun rises despite the rough schedule the next day? I want to spend every waking moment next to you, letting you know that if there’s only one person who sees your worth, it’s me. I see you.”
Gabi was left speechless. His mouth hung open with nothing but random grunts coming out.
“Gabi,” Alejandro continued, “I want you to know that I care for you more than I’ve felt with anyone else. And if I have to confess again tomorrow when you’re doing better, I will. I’ll scream it from the top of the highest mountains in Peru if I have to.”
Emotions ran through Gabi’s mind in rapid succession. He still didn't want to believe what he was hearing. As much as he wished this was all in his head, there was no denying that everything was real. He knew he needed to act fast and let him know how he felt too. For so long he kept his feelings to himself, never allowing himself to get close with anyone out of fear of being rejected. He cherished every moment they spent together, dreaming of a universe where Alejandro felt the same type of way.
Gabi felt his stomach curling, unsure of what to make of the feeling. Maybe the right words were attempting to be formed before coming up. Or maybe something else was trying to come up. With a rolling sensation building up faster, he knew it wasn’t words that were about to be spewed out on the floor.
He jumped off the bed as best as he could and hobbled to the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet as he began releasing the contents of his stomach. He definitely regretted drinking that much, vowing to never let himself get to that point again.
Once he thought everything was out of his system, he pulled himself together to brush his teeth. As he was spitting out some toothpaste, a trail of the substance marked his chin. Alejandro appeared in the doorframe, arms crossed and a compassionate glare across his face.
“Do I got something on my face?” Gabi asked teasingly. He tried to sound like he wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack from making himself appear even less desirable.
Alejandro swayed his hips as he approached Gabi. He raised his hand and wiped the leftover liquid from Gabi’s chin. “Not anything that you won’t get used to seeing.”
Even the tips of Gabi’s ears felt heated from the blushing. “I’m sorry for all this. It’s all new to me.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Alejandro reached for his hand, leading them back to the bed. Once seated, Alejandro rubbed his thumb over Gabi’s knuckles. “Just promise me you won’t drink too much again. I’d hate to see that pretty little mouth of yours on another bottle when it could be on my lips. You can get drunk on me instead.”
Gabi’s heart couldn't handle what he was hearing. It was beating so fast that it felt like it was going to burst through his chest. If someone had told him he would have the biggest crush on a guy, let alone his closest friend and teammate, he never would’ve believed them.
“Are you serious?” Gabi asked, wanting reassurance. “You’re not joking with me?”
Alejandro furiously shook his head. “Of course not! I never knew when it was the right time to tell you. I didn't even know how you would feel about it, so I kept silent as long as I did, thinking I would never have a chance. Everything I said tonight is how I really feel, and I was hoping you’d feel the same.”
“I think the kiss said enough.” Gabi laughed his nerves away. “But, yeah, me too. I care deeply for you, Ale. Thank you for being here. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done had you not knocked.”
“And I don’t want to think about that possibility.” The fearfilled force of Alejandro’s voice at the thought of something worse happening boomed through the room. “Let’s focus on the here and now.”
Before continuing with what could be a pleasant night together, one last worry went through Gabi’s head. “Can you promise not to tell anyone about what happened tonight?”
Alejandro raised an eyebrow, not quite sure what not to mention. “About the kiss and confessions? Or all the drinking you did?”
“Both, if possible. I don’t want to cause the group any issues with either case if word spreads. And I’m still trying to process exactly what I’m thinking about the whole you and I liking each other in relation to what I am. I’d want to take things slow if you’re alright with that.”
“Whatever you’re comfortable with, I’m in full support.” A look of wonder crossed his face. “Am I able to stay with you tonight?”
Gabi nodded. “It would be my pleasure.”
The two shared an awkward smile, both of their feet kicking in excitement. They laid down on the bed, facing each other as they settled in for the night. As their heads rested on their pillows, they couldn’t help but to twirl their fingers through the strands of hair spread out over the surface.
Inching closer together, their body heat was all the warmth they needed in the chilled room. Their breathing had synchronized to the beating of their hearts. For the first time in their lives, they felt like they’ve found their other half.
Time felt like it was fading away as they both got closer to passing out for the night. Gabi was the first one to hit slumber, which brought tiny rounds of snores that Alejandro thought was adorable. Before Alejandro closed his eyes, he gave Gabi a soft kiss on the forehead.
“Sweet dreams, my little chick.”