Work Text:
You don’t know selfpreservation Shang Qinghua said
Hell I probably don’t even know it myself
I don’t even know how old I am anymore
but there’s this demon and I got it bad
The beatings are bad
but if you were to know him you would know how it isn’t
so it's all right bro that's the way it should be
He calls me You
in this gruff voice
and when he raises his hand
It all comes crashing down on me anyway
I used to cower and try to get away
I used to cower easily in those days
Don’t stop filling up my cup
I get emotional then
I could sit here and drink with you all night
cup after cup and never cry
but don’t let me stop
I get weird then
I would ruin this evening
I can ruin everything
I’ve done it
but you don’t know how to be indifferent
You don't know because you've never
been indifferent it's that simple
I got these students see they’re great
They call me Shizun
Shizun they say in their little voices
and I say What
and I don’t care
about them or anything else
but my own life
which I deserve
But you don’t know how to be indifferent
I'm telling you how to be
but you aren’t listening
you would be free
There isn’t anyone on these peaks
who would recognize what needed to be done
if it stepped up
and buggered them in the ass
I used to think caring was a copout
Look I’m an immortal cultivator and I’ve been around
I know it’s a copout
But I said to myself Qinghua
Dying is even more of a copout
So there you are and nothing is like it should be
That fellow our sect leader what's his name
He has a handsome mug on him
but he’s a teacher and runaway slave
God can you imagine
But then you used to be a slave too
here I am telling you too much already
No I forgot about it don't bother
I don’t remember that either
It’s all long gone
Maybe it’s ego I don’t care or remember much anymore
but the peak lords
they don’t know what I have to do
They don’t care
They’re all termites
Human he says
Why do you work so hard for so little respect
Can’t you hear him saying that
Human why do you work so so hard for so little respect
That surprises you doesn’t it
You wouldn't think a crude hack like me
would actually work to keep his job
paperwork filing renovations bookkeeping
Shit I couldn't work up here
Too quiet up here too many trees
I like An Dong that's the place for me
I put on my hanfu each morning
and sit down in front of my desk
I light my pipe and I smoke it like this see
and I say Shang Qinghua you're a lucky man
Shang Qinghua you've gone through it all
and you're a lucky man
and the blue smoke drifts across the table
and I look out the window onto An Ding
and I see people walking up and down the paths
they’re so busy so full of life
and I puff on the pipe like this
and then I lay the pipe down like this and take a deep breath
and I begin to work
Shang Qinghua this is the life I say
it's good to be poor it's good to work hard
it's good to be abused
it’s good to not be dead
But you don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like to be grateful
If you could see
you'd know what I mean
No don’t interrupt me
You thought I’d come up here and get cussed at
You just knew it
I told you I knew it
Shit we’re both immortal cultivators
and we're going to die and
god it's terrible
my students’ claw my eyes out if they knew
it is all my fault
Now that's life for you
What do you know about it
Let me tell you something
I had to do it
you know I had to do it
I've met tortured men who had more style
than the people who judge me for this
They're bloodsuckers who come to see
if I bleed when whipped
or if I scream when torn apart
Believe me I won't disappoint em
But I want you to remember this
there's only one victim in this room tonight
only one victim in this town tonight
maybe only one real victim on this peak tonight
and that's me
What do you know about life
What do you know about anything
What do you know about writing and living
in your own demise
I wanted to quit writing nearly a million times
I’d stop and then picked it up again
I was writing until I was 35
and then I died
I know what's it like I've been there
I’m an immortal cultivator now and I’m going to die
I deserve to live
My students came up to me and said
Shizun
and I say What and they say
you will protect us right
and I say I will
do you know what it’s like
To have to do what you have to do
But you don't even know what it’s like
They will never come back
not one of em will come back
except that one
the one I planted
I never used to drink a lot
I feel stupid with you in this room but
you do think I deserve to live
do you
I deserve to be happy
I don’t know
I'm not surprised
You have to have have died in order to understand
and you don't know how it is to have to do it
that's your trouble
He is not dead
He will come back
Give me some more of that stuff
That's right fill up the cup some more
That's good that's just fine
So let's get this show back on the road
Let’s have some more
That tastes good
Okay then let's go let's get this over with
only don’t let my cup run empty
okay?