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Clark had expected guilt to haunt him.. He had not expected it to haunt him in the shape of Pirate Clark.
The Backrooms apparently had decided that self-reflection was best delivered through humiliation.
Pirate Clark looked exactly like him, if "him" had been assembled from vague memories, bad military movies, and overconfidence. The Still Life version wore an oversized pirate's coat, saluted random objects, and somehow managed to trip over perfectly flat carpet.
"Why is he doing that?" Mary whispered as P.Clark attempted to sneak behind a filing cabinet and immediately knocked over three chairs.
"I think he's supposed to be me?" Clark groaned.
"That's concerning." Mary mused.
Pirate Clark proudly gave them a thumbs-up.
The real problem wasn't the bizarre doppelgänger. It was ASYNC.
For reasons nobody understood, the researchers were absolutely fascinated by Still Lifes. If they found Pirate Clark, or the Still Lifes that had started following him around, they'd be dragged off for testing.
So Clark and Mary spent the next several days running the world's strangest protection program. Whenever a researcher got too close, P.Clark would somehow wander directly into danger.
One time he accidentally joined an ASYNC tour group.
Another time he got stuck halfway through a ceiling tile.
Once he spent twenty minutes saluting a security camera.
Every single time, Clark and Mary had to improvise.
"Hey!" Mary shouted at a nearby researcher "Did you know this wall is slightly different from the other wall?"
The researcher looked at the wall, then at Mary, but decided to inspect the wall, hoping to find some form of exit.
Behind him, P.Clark stumbled about an open hallway carrying a lampshade on his head. On another occasion, Clark distracted an entire team by claiming he'd discovered a new spatial anomaly. The anomaly turned out to be P.Clark trying to hide inside a vending machine.
"How did he even get in there?" A researcher asked, and Clark truthfully responded with "I have no idea...", and bought a drink, the cold can of Pepsi accidentally hitting P.Clark on the Still Life's shoulder.
As the weeks passed, Clark found himself laughing more than he had in years, as he realized that P.Clark wasn't a monster. He wasn't a punishment. He was every reckless, arrogant mistake Clark had ever made, transformed into something harmless and absurd.
A reminder that people could do terrible things, and still choose to become better.
One evening, the group sat together in a quiet section of the Backrooms. The other Still Lifes dozed nearby, while P.Clark sat beside him, unusually calm.
"You know," Clark said, "I think I understand."
Pirate Clark nodded solemnly, then he leaned backward and immediately fell through a folding table. Mary bursted out laughing, and so did Clark.
Somewhere in the distance, ASYNC researchers shouted in confusion as P.Clark somehow emerged from a completely different wall.
"Well..." Mary said, standing up "Our idiot found another way to get spotted."
Meanwhile P.Clark was fucking booking it down a corridor and its many twists, effectively breaking the researchers ankles somehow.
Clark sighed and hauled after him.
"Come on, Captain... Let's save you from yourself... Again."
And for once, the Backrooms felt a little less endless, a little less frightening.
Mostly because they were too busy preventing Pirate Clark from accidentally getting recruited by ASYNC for the fourth time that week.