Chapter Text
Shane and Ilya's lives revolved around competition and competing with each other on ice extending to off ice, always like that and have always been like that. Play hard, win, lose, titles given, captain of the team, bring home a cup, break the record, and make history. The competition is the sole reason why their legendary on ice rivalry story was written and will always exist under their name.
How could it not?
The league was frothing at their mouth when they heard there was a prodigy, actually, two prodigies in one generation. Since then, people put them in this rivalry narrative, put them neck to neck, because they had the same level of talent and ambition and the only contrast between them are their personalities. As opposed to everything about them, it’s unlikely for people to talk about one of them without bringing the other.
Who would’ve thought?
Definitely, no one. Their rivalry on ice was only a tip of an iceberg, visible for people to spot and recognize from a far of what and who Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov are. But the rest of the iceberg underneath the water held more than what was visible. And when the ice started to melt with the not-so-help from Hayden, who accidentally outed them, Hollander and Rozanov rivalry sounded less complicated when it turned out that both of them contain multitudes.
Their rivalry was absolutely real and there, they disliked each other's guts, maybe hated, irritated all the time by each other's presence. They contain multitudes. Curiosity and tension drew both of them to be in each other’s space. Eventually, they found something beyond irritation and curiosity between each other. They understand each other in a way that people couldn’t see and catch, even both of them couldn’t comprehend for some time and couldn’t say it out loud.
They made themselves exactly where they deserve, no one could ever catch up with Shane Hollander, no one could ever catch up with Ilya Rozanov, but they sure could catch up with each other, making the competition kindled between them. Circumstances change, Shane vs Ilya now become Shane and Ilya since they have publicly announced their relationship, the engagement, and marriage.
Now the opposing prodigies are now in one team. One thing for sure, competing never left them. Now, they play in one team, supporting each other on ice and supporting the Centaurs as well as the team supporting them. A long time ago, fifty percent of their competition and rivalry helped them to flare up the team spirit by giving a speech about beating the other team and the other fifty percent was foreplay to flare up the heat and intimacy inside the dimmed and quiet cubicle of the hotel room.
And now what?
They don’t have to beat each other again, they don’t have to beat each other’s team, and so the competition overhauled their private personal life completely. Now, they win or lose together, one cup with their name on it. Titles given for two; queer players of the MHL or the Ottawa Centaurs, first husbands of hockey, locker room menace, noisy neighbours and many more fabricated by everyone around them. They still break the record and make history along with the Centaurs. The best team they ever had.
To give some credit, the team that drafted them have been considerably kind and trusting, especially back then. Now the former center of both starcross rivals team are together in a relationship. A very lovely, unhinged, and freaky relationship. The Raiders have shown their respect and support, some of Ilya’s former teammates told them straight to their faces. The Voyageurs on the other hand might need more time to reflect and stop deflecting, except obviously Hayden and eventually, JJ. Ilya flipped Ottawa Centaurs fate by bringing them up on the league with every single player's loyalty and dedication. Then, Shane joined the team, it could not have been dreamier. They play hard on ice, they win or lose together, they bring the cup home, and they celebrate on and off the rink.
It’s a little hard to escape people’s talk and eyes whether as an individual, as the polar opposite rivals, and as two people in a loving relationship, both Shane and Ilya are always the main dish among the courses, the one where people took their time to consider before choosing then slowly masticated to enjoy it. They have changed some trajectories, breaking some stereotypes, and making another set of records. Everyone put every ounce of their attention whenever a headline containing ‘Shane Hollander & Ilya Rozanov of Ottawa Centaurs’ name appeared.
They really are a one-of-a-kind duo, every time they do something, people are sitting on their edge, hands clenching on anything around them, and jaws dropping to the floor. This time, the Shane Hollander & Ilya Rozanov managed to bring out those expressions from people again. It looked like a simple online post from people who are fond of each other, like teenagers announcing their relationship, a collection of pictures of people who are madly in love. It was a simple joint Instagram post containing 8 pictures and an ample self explanatory caption. Only, there’s nothing simple nor ordinary when @shanehollander24 & @ilyarozanov81 popped up on people’s phone screens.
|Slide 1/10|
A picture of Shane, laying on his side curled up on a couch with a blanket covering and tucked in his whole body. His hair falls against his forehead, a visible line above his nose from his eyebrows subtle furrow. His skin is a little pale, making some of his freckles fade.
|Slide 2/10|
A close up picture of Shane, pinching a printed sonogram in front of his face only leaving half of his face visible from nose bridge to forehead. Leaving only red-rimmed glassy eyes from crying and the prominent micro dots of freckles across his cheeks and nose because the skin underneath is getting rosy.
|Slide 3/10|
A picture of Shane, sitting on a bathroom floor in front of the toilet with his back against the wall. Both of his legs tucked to his chest and an arm lay on his knees, with his face drooping and weighing on it. His other hand stretches out, close enough to the camera, a middle finger curled out vertically to the camera (with Ilya behind of it)
|Slide 4/10|
A seven second video of Shane, from low angle showing his puffy face, shaky voice, and trembling tone until he finally called out his husband in an effortful flat tone, “Ilya” before he tosses the device making the content all shaky and the screen goes pitch black then a voice of man heard calling the other in an implored tone, “Shanyaa”.
|Slide 5/10|
A picture of Shane, Yuna, and David, taken from afar. Shane leaning on Yuna’s shoulder while they sit and Shane’s left hand held by David while he stood in front of them smiling down at Shane and Yuna.
|Slide 6/10|
A picture of Ilya, resting on Shane’s thigh facing the belly, making half of his face covered by the rounded shape of it. Eyes full of curiosity and a crease appeared near his lips. His index finger on Shane’s front top belly, creating a dent as he gently pressed on it.
|Slide 7/10|
A picture of Ilya, crouching in front of Shane, face to face with his bump, hands on Shane’s waist holding the t-shirt up. A crease gathered around his temple as his face scrunched and wide-open mouth against Shane’s rounded belly skin. With Shane standing up, fingers buried in Ilya’s curls, his head thrown back from the laughter.
|Slide 8/10|
A picture of Ilya, slouching on an outdoor sofa with his head resting against the back rest while holding up a piece of paper a little high in front of his face, making the dark soft blue morphing with bright orange sky as its background.
ilyarozanov81 and shanehollander24
Our life and love story might start in the most bizarre way. We spent most of our lives against each other and ended up aligning with each other. Too aligned that our friend had said several times that we are “disgustingly obsessed and gone for each other”. But, different teams or the same team, now we have our own team. So, we decided to add more players to the Hollander-Rozanov team and household.
First Trimester
Public and internet announcement was definitely still a lot of work for both of them. As much as they have shown their love and affection publicly with pre-agreement of what can and can’t be shown or posted publicly, people still tend to make assumptions. So, they picked and sorted the materials and Shane took full charge on the writing part.
But now, realistically speaking, especially for Shane, it’s easier to post a pregnancy announcement using 8 pictures than spending 8 weeks of the first trimester. Every agonizing symptoms that he had heard, read, and told somehow he ended up experiencing. The healthy lifestyle and fit physique he had maintained dissipated.
The practice could not have been that bad. What did he miss on his warm up? Did he unconsciously pull a muscle? Does his body finally reach its limits?
Thoughts gather inside his brain throughout the whole week when his body screamed a complaint and told the brain to make Shane rest. He flexed his neck side to side while he’s cooking, he rolled his shoulder back at practice, and he brought both of his legs to his chest while he sat and rested against Ilya.
Ilya had noticed. He mastered Shane non-verbal cues that include the way he moved and controlled his body. He noticed the neck flexed, the shoulder rolls and of course the weight when Shane’s body rested against him fully. Sure, Shane was relaxed but there’s something from the way he put his body against Ilya. Until, one day when both of them just arrived home after grocery run. Ilya insisted that Shane should clean himself and lay down immediately.
Ilya was focused on moving all 5 groceries bags from the car to the kitchen. When he’s finally done he walked over to the living room and saw Shane sitting curled up, his arm tucked under his head and his body resting against the back rest. Shane didn’t go to their bedroom and he sure hasn’t changed and cleaned himself. Ilya crouched in front of the couch where Shane sat.
“Shane. Shane, sweetheart,” he tried to wake him softly while caressing his back. “Let’s move to bed. Your body will be hurt if you sleep here, with this position. And you will hate the next morning when you wake up still wearing the same grocery clothes.” He continued when he felt Shane start to wake up.
“Did the Costco get bigger or I’m getting older?” Shane said half-awake. His statement made Ilya chuckle. “Yes, Hunter’s level of dinosaur old” continued to play along with Shane’s statement.
“You’re clearly tired and going to be sick. Let’s move and I will bring you mom’s hot soup, warm water, and some medicine.” He stood then lowered his body and hooked his arms under Shane’s body to help him stand.
Shane and Ilya had changed into their sleeping clothes, Shane with his t-shirt and sweatpants and Ilya with his sweatpants.
“You know, you looked very tired for a week now. We are seeing the doctor if in two days you still feel this way” Ilya told Shane while he lowered his body and finally laid on his side facing Shane who’s also on his side.
“Okay” Shane agreed, he sure didn’t have any energy left to argue about his body fitness. “I thought I pulled a muscle or missed a movement on my warm up. But, honestly, my body is so exhausted and seems the only thing that it is capable of doing is sleeping, well involuntarily shut down” he admitted.
Shane’s brain rarely stops thinking, making him look tense and alert most of the time. But, the tense looks he had for the past days are clearly not from his brain thinking. Well, he was or he is still thinking about one possibility, especially after he jolted off the bed when his stomach produced a sharp pain and a pressure build up to his throat. He felt lightheaded, probably because he pulled himself up too fast. He stumbled his way to the bathroom and his knee hit the cold bathroom tile. He put his head almost inside the toilet bowl, letting out all the pressure inside that came out as yesterday’s fully-digest food and drink.
“Sweetheart” Ilya’s voice sounded very distant but every syllable punctuated with worries. He joined Shane on the floor, his hand kneaded on Shane’s nape. “It’s okay, just let go. I’ll be here, I’ll help you” Ilya tried to comfort him. Shane was still unable to talk because every time he stretched his jaws, the only thing that came out was the stomach materials instead of words. Even inhaling the air, made him retched.
After what felt like a long hour his organs tried to escape his body. Shane sat against the headboard waiting for Ilya to come back and bring him a glass of warm water to soothe his stomach, a can of ginger ale to wash the unpleasant taste in his mouth and some medicine.
They moved up their plan to see a doctor from tomorrow to today’s afternoon. Shane wanted to make sure of one thing first. He walked to the walk-in closet and opened a drawer. He took out a box, opened it, and took one wrapped long shaped stick. A pregnancy test.
He carefully and rapidly tore the packaging and used it. He put down the stick near the sink then washed his hand. He looked out to the bedside table and squinted his eyes trying to see the number on the clock. He wandered his eyes around and tried not to see the stick. He looked over the clock again and 4 minutes had passed. He slowly brought his gaze to the stick on top of the counter.
Two lines, one is darker and the other one is fainter, but clear and loud enough to tell the user that they’re pregnant. Shane’s pregnant, he’s pregnant, it’s his and Ilya’s baby. At least he knew which doctor he should make an appointment with now.
“Hi, are you waiting too long? I think you should eat too, so I make you toast,” Ilya looked up to him.
“Do you want to eat here?” Ilya asked.
“Yes, thank you, baby.” Shane agreed with everything Ilya said and suggested.
“I think… I think we don’t have to see the doctor,” Shane implied and Ilya glanced at him with raised eyebrows, enough to make Shane talk again.
“I mean, I kinda figured out what happened to me,” Shane trailed off.
“Oh, now you’re a doctor,” Ilya teased in annoyance because his husband has always been stubborn when it came to this matter.
Shane, still smiling, loved when his husband became like this, unhinged and intense when it’s about him.
“Well, I know which doctor we should visit and definitely not the general one,” he continued as he pulled out the pregnancy test and put it on the kitchen island exactly under Ilya’s gaze.
“Baby, you’re pregnant? Baby, you have baby inside of you?” Ilya’s tongue twisted in question, trying to confirm what his eyes saw and proceed with the information. Shane nodded, his smile wider now. Ilya walked around the kitchen counter to where Shane sat. He pulled him in and kissed his crown several times. Shane pulled back a bit and kissed Ilya’s covered collarbone.
—
And so, since his first ever pregnancy vomit, it turned into a routine instead. Pregnancy hormones beat his healthy and fit athlete body. There was a week where everyday he would jump off the bed and run to the bathroom when his stomach coiled to push out some materials from it. He would sit on the bathroom floor for several minutes, somehow the cold floor helped to ease some tension after his body made a spasmic movement enough to heat up his body temperature.
Sometimes, Ilya would wait by the door or lean against the bathroom counter until Shane’s ready to move back to bed. The morning sickness would drain his energy even before the day started. He would lay on his side while Ilya gently rubbed his back. They have not found the right method to soothe the uneasy sensations on Shane’s stomach.
Ilya had tried to gently caress it but Shane’s body flinched away because the friction added up the uneasy sensation. So, for that region, only Shane knew what to do to ease the physical discomfort. He felt nauseous all the time, he threw up at least 2 times a day, sometimes until 3 times. Definitely, in the morning and sometimes after he eats or when he smells something unpleasant or midnight when he sleeps.
He felt exhausted all the time and he looked like he just manually scraped the ice off of an ice rink. They told the coach about this and all of them agreed that Shane will not play for the rest of this season and they will talk about it after Shane gives birth. Ilya hates hates to leave Shane alone in this condition.
The symptoms kept branching out. Extreme fatigue, his body felt weak, simple movement felt too much, then he felt sleepy all the time, he dozed off so often, couch was basically his new bed. Morning sickness extended to afternoon or night sickness. It rarely left his body, the burning sensation on his throat when the digested food spilled out or the muscle around his neck getting tighter as he gagged or dried heave with no substance spilled out of him. Some weeks become an elimination event for varieties of scent. No perfume, no scented detergent, no coffee, no fishy smelly food, and no sweaty body smell. Ilya had to take a shower after every practice and he couldn't touch or hug other people, especially his unshowered teammates.
Shane pulled away from Ilya, his body tensed and he brought his palm over his mouth,
“Who did you hug?” he asked, his tone almost offensive.
“No, I don’t hug other people but you, sweetheart,” Ilya stated in confusion.
“You touch someone who hasn’t taken a shower, still sweaty and smelly,” Shane paused to hold back the gag.
“I can smell it, Ilya. The smell lingered on—” He stopped completely and sprinted to the kitchen sink to spill out a clear liquid.
Ilya stood behind him and rubbed his back gently, he could feel Shane’s body spasming and shaking beneath his palm.
“Can you… please take a shower again? Please? I’m sorry,” Shane pleaded with glassy eyes.
“Hey, you don’t have to say sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that Bood smelly body stayed on me. I’m going to take a shower and you will lay down. Rest, okay?”
Sprained ankle, pulled muscle, sprained shoulder, and bruises all over his body that he used to ignore and forced himself to play a game while his body was aching, somehow was nothing compared to the off-feeling spreading all over his body now. The nonstop cramps across his lower belly, sore spreading all across his hips to the lower back. So many involuntary and undetectable sensations that he can’t even pinpoint the cause to resolve.
Was it all?
Obviously, no. Some physical symptoms, both Shane and Ilya, were still able to overcome because they could try to look for the source of it. It was Shane’s emotional and mental state that tested Ilya’s composure. Throughout the years, both have learnt how to verbally communicate their feelings and thoughts and to catch non-verbal cues.
Ilya knew how to slowly help Shane talk his mind out and knew when it became too much for Shane that talking wasn’t the right option at that moment. Shane knew how to approach Ilya when the emotion became too much and he would wait for Ilya when he’s ready to talk about what happened inside his mind even if it took forever.
But hormones made it harder. It’s akin to adjusting to new routines. It’s almost understanding a whole new person. Maybe it was, technically the baby is going to be a whole new person to add to their life.
He can’t ignore the sound. The sound that slowly pulled him out of his sleep. Sharp breathing, snuffling voice, and a subtle trembling. He rolled over to where Shane was and he was greeted by the side of his thigh. He looked up to see Shane sit against the head board with head tilted to the ceiling. Ilya pushed his body to level with Shane’s position. He pulled his shoulder so he could wrap him under his arms. He sat slack-jawed when Shane resisted and pulled away.
“Shane?” Ilya asked reluctantly.
“No, don’t touch me, please. Don’t. Not yet,” Shane answered and looked away from Ilya’s gaze. His voice became heavier and his breath grew rapidly.
“Okay. Am I doing or touching something wrong?” Ilya asked carefully, trying not to push his husband.
“No, no. It’s me, it’s just, I don’t know, I—” Shane mumbled his breath became faster.
“Hey, hey, breath. Breath. It’s okay, you’re with me, We—” Ilya’s words were cut off by Shane when he accidentally put his palm on Shane’s thigh.
“Don’t touch me, Ilya! Please…” Shane snapped and Ilya pulled his hand to the air.
“I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s instinct,” Ilya apologized and he started to get confused.
“No. No. No. Oh, God. I’m sorry. It’s just, if you touch me, I’m going to cry so hard. Let alone a hug,” Shane tried to explain.
“Shane, sweetheart, you’re already crying. That’s why I hugged you so you can let go and cry,” Ilya’s face relaxed again, he found Shane’s explanation a little funny but instead he smiled tenderly at him.
Shane still held back his cries and there was stuttering in between his breaths. Ilya waited beside him, head resting against the headboard. He waited until Shane was ready. Ready to look at him, hug him, talk to him or cry to him.
Then, Shane tilted his head to face Ilya with an apologetic look. That was the cue for Ilya to break the silence.
“Hey, it’s okay. Can I ask, why you cried?” Ilya asked softly and carefully.
“I don’t know. I feel defeated. I was nauseous again and I thought I was going to puke but there was nothing coming out of my mouth. I sat beside the toilet waiting to finally puke because the nausea was still there but nothing happened. Getting up became tiring because I’m so sore almost everywhere. I looked at myself on the mirror and God, I looked, I don’t know, everything doesn’t feel good.”
He paused for a moment, “I feel so sensitive, I feel everything, I smell everything, I think about everything and I thought, you must be annoyed by me, how disgusting I look, how lazy I am, maybe my unstable emotion and you thought this is not what you sign—” Shane’s mouth stopped spilling the words when Ilya cupped his face and forcing his jaw to close. He didn’t realize that his body started to shake and his eyes wandered around making the liquid easily fall from his eyes.
“Hey, hey, Shane, enough, okay? Look at me. Please, sweetheart,” he rubbed his fingers on Shane’s jaw to calm the nerve. He pushed himself to kiss Shane’s lips, long enough to bring him back and ground him.
“I’m sorry that you have to go through this and I can’t help you sometimes. I wish, I want you to share these stupid and annoying things with me. You’re not alone, sweetheart. I’m here, I will always be, and I will never leave. Call me when the nauseous so bad, wake me, scream from the bathroom if you need me to sit beside the cold bathroom floor. And hey, you look like my Shane no matter what changes. And your physique will change, sweetheart, it’s… you can not avoid it. I want you— I need you to know, I’m here and all in with this, to you, only you, whole of you. We’ll figure something out for the nausea and everything. Okay?” Ilya assured him, every word spilled out of his mouth was pure devotion for Shane.
Shane nodded and launched himself to Ilya. Instinctively, Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane then brought one of them lower to Shane’s back and rubbed him.
Shane’s emotion became Ilya’s own puzzle to solve. Sometimes the causes were obvious and easy to figure out. Sometimes the causes were hidden and hard to decipher. Or maybe there were no reasons at all but the hormones surging. It’s either a cry or anger. Both are not easy to tone down. With or without the reasons, it was still an assignment in due for Ilya to finish.
There was one specific cause that could take more time for both to solve and figure out, and it was food. It’s bad enough with the nausea but it was still an issue for Shane who had been on a strict macrobiotic diet throughout his whole life. His relationship with food was already complicated. But, his palate had expanded since he went to therapy and with the help of Ilya tried some food that did not overstimulate his tongue palate.
The doctor recommended that he stop the diet for his whole pregnancy. And Shane thought, it’s the right time, he had ground reason to eat more varieties of food out of obligation. Unfortunately, the struggle circulates back to his main struggle, the nausea and sensitive senses.
He spent at least 8 weeks of the first trimester juggling with every single symptom that people have said, wrote, and told. Finally, some of them start to dissipate when the trimester transitions to the early second trimester.
Shane groaned in frustration with his fingers rapidly scrolling on his phone screen. His head still bowed down and his gaze locked onto his phone. He let out a hissed in desperation with his thumb rapidly tap on the screen
“You have to stop stressing us out, Shane,” Ilya stated.
“Us?” Shane glanced at Ilya.
“Yes. You, baby, and me. You tell me or stop, Ilya addressed.
“Do you remember the shawarma we bought after our game against Detroit? I can’t remember the name but I can feel it in my mouth,” Shane finally asked.
Ilya’s expression changes, he starts to contemplate and calculate to remember the place Shane just asked. That was at least 7 months ago. It was an emergency run. They were trapped at the arena because of the storm. When they finally left, Shane was hungry and Ilya was starving until they found the Shawarma place. This kind of situation helped in expanding Shane’s palate. Spontaneous and exigent.
“Ah, no, I forgot. Why?” Ilya asked.
“I kinda want it. I literally can taste it in my mouth right now. They made it well, it was good. The meat is still juicy but not too much moisture from the fat but it’s not too dry that it scratches my throat. And the wrap is not too starchy nor too crispy. Not too much seasoning, the unfamiliar taste is actually exciting,” Shane explicates, leaving Ilya speechless.
That was new. Ilya didn’t want to jeopardize his husband’s excitement and curiosity even though it leaves him with some questions. But he can solve that later.
“Hm, I think it's a 2 hour drive from the Cents rink. Do you want me to buy it for you tomorrow?” Ilya asked immediately.
“That’s a bit far, Ilya,” Shane stated but continued to ask hesitantly, “But will you buy it for me?”
“Of course. Anything for you, but are you able to not miss me because I’ll be gone longer?” Ilya teased him now.
“So full of yourself” Shane rolled his eyes.
“No, no. You are full of me.” Ilya said in a suggestive tone.
“Alright. Enough, Rozanov. Tell me what they have tomorrow,” Shane beamed at him.