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Tamon didn’t know how to feel about this situation.
Of course, it all started when Keito got an idea. Particularly an idea that would make them more money. While scrolling through different brand and social media pages, he came across a lot of posts that were unique to the month of June. With that as the start of his rabbit hole, he quickly fell down and became obsessed with the idea of “rainbow capitalism”.
By doing research into the fanbase, he realized that there were a lot of E/YES that were part of the LGBTQ+ community. And where Keito saw a specific demographic, he also saw a new group to market to.
That was months ago. Of course, there was a lot of planning involved, but with June first just around the corner, it was time to shoot their promo videos wishing all the E/YES a happy pride month and vocalizing their support for the community.
And, of course, announcing their new pride-themed merch.
That was where Tamon felt conflicted. He loved all of his girlfriends, including the queer ones, but as far as he knew all the members of F/ACE were straight. So it felt pretty awkward that they were all holding up different pride flags for identities that weren’t theirs just to sell new merch.
(Especially since Keito insisted Tamon hold up the bi one and Ouri the gay man one. And had them stand next to each other for the shoot. And maybe had some staged fanservice outtakes of the two of them).
It also didn’t help that Tamon didn’t really know much about the LGBTQ+ community. He of course vaguely knew what some of the terms meant, but that didn’t mean he fully understood it. He wasn’t against any of it, of course—all E/YES and others were valid in his eyes—but that didn’t mean that it didn’t feel disingenuous to do all of this.
He managed to keep up the Ikehara persona while the cameras rolled. He didn’t want Ouri or Keito yelling at him. But the moment the director called for a 15 minute break, his Jimehara side slipped out. He felt himself slouching and getting nervous as all the worries he had been harboring the whole day began to take over.
That was, until he saw his special someone off to the sides offering him a water bottle and a massive smile.
“You’re doing great, Tamon! I nearly died several times and turned into a puddle!”
Utage Kinoshita. His (real!) girlfriend of three and a half wonderful months. Tamon couldn’t believe how much his life had sincerely changed since meeting her. He now had a much deeper understanding of what the love songs he always sang were truly about. They were still learning how to navigate their relationship, especially with Tamon’s fame, but he wouldn’t change anything for the world.
Of course, none of the fans knew about it, but his manager had approved of their relationship so long as they do a good job of keeping it secret. The other members of F/ACE also knew and were mostly fine with it, although Keito made several threats as to what would happen if this ever got out.
Utage had continued to ramble on about how good Tamon was doing as he sipped from his water bottle, and if it were anyone but her, it would feel like meaningless platitudes meant to placate him—but Tamon knew that everything Utage said came genuinely from her heart.
“I just feel like this is such a good idea! Especially since I know there are so many queer and trans E/YES out there that will absolutely explode knowing that their faves support them!”
Since they had some time before going back to the shoot, Tamon knew he could verbalize some of his worries with her. She had such a good way of working through his anxiety, and while sometimes it still got the best of him, he had slowly been improving, in no small part due to Utage’s help.
“I just don’t fully know how to feel about this. It kinda feels like we’re taking advantage of them,” Tamon awkwardly muttered.
Tamon was used to being ignored when he spoke like this, but Utage always took the time to pay attention to him and genuinely understand where he was coming from (and sometimes tried to scream his insecurities away. Which sometimes actually worked).
“I don’t think so. Especially since gay marriage isn’t legal here, this promo means so much! It takes a firm stance on the right side of history!” Utage exclaimed, pumping her fist in excitement. She continued, “Because of that, even stuff like pride merch works as a statement that LGBTQ+ fans are welcome here.”
Tamon’s nerves quelled somewhat at this explanation, but he still couldn’t stop the deep, nagging feeling tugging at his heart.
“I still don’t know. I mean, did we even talk to any LGBTQ+ people in planning this? What if we say something wrong? What if the fans start to hate us because we accidentally offend them? What if—”
Utage cut him off by putting a hand over his mouth. She then took a deep breath in and out, then removed her hand and had Tamon follow along with her for a few breaths.
Okay. Things probably aren’t as bad as I think.
Once Tamon calmed down, Utage spoke up again.
“I don’t know who was or wasn’t consulted in the making of this, but I can tell you that there’s at least one queer E/YES that supports it!”
She finished with a great, big smile, but Tamon was just left in confusion.
“Who?”
Utage returned the look of confusion, tilting her head.
“Me?”
Tamon’s head began to scramble as his world grew disoriented.
“Did I never mention that I’m bi? I could’ve swore I did. Or maybe I just assumed that you saw the bi flag charm on my bag and just never thought to bring it up.”
Oh. That charm.
Tamon had just thought it was a striped set of pretty colors, but after recalling the flag he had just spent an hour holding up, he realized they were the exact same.
How did I not realize this sooner? The fans are going to hate me for this. I couldn’t even recognize the flag of my girlfriend’s—
His girlfriend.
His girlfriend was bi.
What exactly did that mean for him? For them?
If he remembered correctly, bisexual people were attracted to both men and women. So that meant Utage was also attracted to women.
Does that mean…?
Utage must have sensed that he was starting to spiral.
“Tamon? Are you doing okay?”
The sincere concern in her voice almost broke him. Before he could say anything, however, the director yelled “Places!” He had to go back to the shoot.
This was fine. He could compartmentalize this for now. He donned his Ikehara persona, gave Utage a grin and a wink as he headed back to his in front of the camera. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he heard something like someone turning into goo behind him as he trekked on ahead. He couldn’t worry about that now, though. He just had to make it through this shoot. As he picked up his flag prop, the pink, purple, and blue stripes seemed to weigh heavy on him.
~~~~~~~
When Tamon got back to his apartment after the shoot, his Jimehara side completely took over.
Utage liked both men and women.
Which was fine. It was.
But that means she has twice as many dating options.
If Tamon understood correctly (and he wasn’t quite sure he did), Utage has a much larger dating pool than he does.
Not that many people would want to date me anyway.
But he was sure that plenty of people out there would like Utage. She was beautiful, kind, and was the most supportive person he ever met. Who wouldn’t love her?
And what did Tamon bring to the table in their relationship? Meltdowns? Insecurity? Constantly needing to be reassured that he wasn’t a failure and that his fans didn’t hate him? Constantly referring to his female fans as his “girlfriends”?
Utage could do so much better. And from the sounds of things, she wasn’t limited for options.
~~~~~~~
The day after the shoot, Utage was heading over to Tamon’s apartment for her cleaning job. She was still worried about Tamon based on their talk during the shoot’s break, but she had turned into goo after that personal fanservice from Ikehara, and her brain couldn’t process the things she wanted to discuss until it had fully reformed by the end of the day.
However, she had since had time to think it over, and she was hoping that she’d get the opportunity to talk it out with Tamon while she was working.
This was her first real relationship, and she hoped it would be her last, too. She didn’t want to mess it up.
Utage had, of course, initially fallen in love with Tamon the Idol. But as she got to know the other side of Tamon, she found herself falling truly, deeply in love. The Tamon she had gotten to know personally was kind, determined, and hardworking. He always gave her a reason to smile. He didn’t mind her fangirl tendencies (and admittedly he sometimes overindulged them), and he was genuinely committed to becoming a better person. Sure, he definitely had a lot to work on, but he was sincerely working on it.
Which brings Utage to the issue at hand. Something was clearly bothering Tamon yesterday, and while she knew at least one of the causes, she wasn’t sure if there were others (and if there were, what specifically they were).
The main and most obvious (and maybe only?) concern was, of course, the idea that he was taking advantage of the fans. Oftentimes, this worry went along with his idea that the fans would somehow end up hating him and ruining his life for his perceived transgressions. Utage knew that most of this campaign was planned by Keito, most likely motivated by greed, but she didn’t know a lot of the behind-the-scenes elements besides what she directly saw during the shoot. There could definitely be some valid concern in some of the arguments that Tamon brought up, particularly whether anyone in the LGBTQ+ community was actually consulted on this, but ultimately, that wasn’t Tamon’s responsibility. If anything negative came out of it, blame would most likely be placed on their management and Keito as the leader of F/ACE.
Although, from what Utage witnessed, most of what was said and done at the shoot seemed perfectly fine. Yes, this was a way of funding new merch sales, but Utage knew that there were many E/YES out there who would be excited to own merch of their bias with their own pride flag on it (herself included).
Which led to the (potential) other concern: Tamon’s weird reaction to Utage mentioning that she’s bi.
Now, from what she and Tamon had discussed leading into this shoot, as well as what he said and did during the shoot, it was clear Tamon didn’t know much about the LGBTQ+ community. However, he was putting in the effort to learn. The week before the shoot, he had Utage help by explaining to him what the different identities were and quizzed him on them to make sure he remembered. At the shoot, he asked what each pride flag represented, and repeated them under his breath until he had them memorized. Although this was new to him, he clearly wasn’t outright homophobic or transphobic.
So maybe it was just a shock at learning someone so close to him was part of the LGBTQ+ community? Although Utage never experienced it herself, she had heard from others online that they had had friends and family completely taken aback at their coming out; they never realized that there was someone queer or trans so close to them in life.
So maybe that’s what it was. Realizing that LGBTQ+ stuff wasn’t as distanced from him as he first thought.
Or maybe it was something else.
Utage knew Tamon would never be explicitly discriminatory, but that doesn’t mean that implicit bias doesn’t exist. Also online, she had heard of horror stories of other bi people getting dumped because their partner thought they were more prone to cheating, or just being dumped for being bi on its own. Of course, Tamon would never break up with her for that reason, but she knew it was still likely that Tamon had some sort of concern. She just didn’t know what.
Utage finally arrived outside Tamon’s apartment, knocking on the door and announcing her entrance. She slipped off her shoes and put on the slippers that had been waiting for her.
Shortly after they had started dating, Tamon surprised her with them. The slippers were soft and pink, and they had her name (poorly) hand-embroidered on the outside. It served as yet another reminder of just the kind of person Tamon is.
Seeing the slippers gave Utage a spike of courage. Whatever was going on, they could work through it.
~~~~~~~
Tamon jumped in surprise when Utage knocked at the door. Of course, he knew she was coming, but that didn’t mean that he was prepared for it. He stayed in his room with the door shut as he quietly mumbled a “thanks for coming over”, to which Utage (who somehow heard him) replied with a cheery “you’re welcome!”
Tamon could hear that Utage was starting with the kitchen, and he took a deep breath. He just needed a moment to get his thoughts together, which it seemed like Utage realized, too. She was so perceptive of his needs.
She deserves someone so much better.
Tamon shook his head, reminded of how he needed to focus on not spiraling so much—another thing that Utage (and the therapist he started seeing recently) had warned him about. He spent a couple minutes doing some breathing exercises he had learned, and then stepped out into the kitchen. Utage turned around to face him, hands wet and soapy from the dishes she was doing.
“Tamon! Is everything alright?”
She greeted him with joy and kindness, but he could tell that she wanted to talk about yesterday. He couldn’t blame her. As much as he wishes he could pretend it never happened, he had been gradually realizing as of late that talking through things was much better for their relationship than bottling it up (although that didn’t mean he enjoyed the moment of ripping the bandaid off and confronting the situation).
After taking one last deep breath, Tamon asked, “Can we talk about yesterday?”
Utage’s grin turned into a more solemn smile as she washed the bubbles off her hands and dried them, taking a seat at the table. Tamon joined her at the seat across from her.
“What specifically do you want to talk about, Tamon?”
Tamon gave it a moment, as he wanted to make sure he chose his words carefully.
Why didn’t I plan what to say in all the time I spent worrying?
With hesitance, Tamon began about as awkwardly as he could: “So… you’re bisexual.”
Geez, great. Start by stating the obvious.
“Yes I am. Sorry I didn’t mention that earlier.”
Tamon panicked and spoke up quickly, “You don’t have to apologize for that! You didn’t have to tell me.”
Utage reached across the table and grabbed both of Tamon’s hands. He didn’t realize that they were shaking so much until she helped calm them down.
“I wish I did tell you sooner, though. It’s a part of me, and I don’t want to hide anything from you.”
Why did Utage have to be so gentle with him right now? He was freaking out over the simple fact that his girlfriend was bi, and she had every right to be mad at his reaction.
“So that means you like both men and women, right?”
“It means I can develop crushes on and feelings for both men and women, yes. But the only one I like like that is you.”
“So you have twice as many options to date, then, right?”
Utage looked curiously at Tamon, confused where he was going with this.
“Because I already found it crazy that you’d want to go out with me, of all people. But learning that you could basically have anyone you wanted? I just don’t know why you would choose me.”
“Tamon, if you think that this means I’m going to cheat on you—”
Tamon cut her off, squeezing her hands back, “No, I know you’re not the kind of person who’d do that, Utage. But I don’t know why you wouldn’t break up with me to be with someone else. Someone better.”
Utage let go of Tamon’s hands. His eyes kept to the floor and panic began to set in that she was leaving him right then and there, until he noticed the sound of a chair scraping across the floor. Utage joined him at his side, reaching out to give him a hug. In shock, Tamon couldn’t even move to wrap his own arms around her.
“Tamon, I don’t think you realize how lucky I am to be with someone like you. I have absolutely zero desire to be with anyone else because I know it’d be a downgrade.”
Tamon stayed in Utage’s arms for a while resting his chin on her shoulder. After a moment, Utage pulled back slightly to face Tamon directly, and wiped his eyes.
Oh. I didn’t even notice that I was crying.
Utage grabbed Tamon’s hands again, squeezing them tightly, and then continued.
“You bring so much joy to my life. You inspire me with how hard you work, and you give me so much more respect than anyone else I know. You recognize your own faults and are working on them, which takes so much maturity on your end. Heck, you even still pay me to come by and clean your house!”
Tamon’s nerves had started to calm down some, giving him enough courage to reply quietly, “Of course I would. You’re working.”
“But so many people just expect that of their girlfriends and wives. They see chores as just the women’s inherent responsibility.”
“Well, that’s not fair,” Tamon mumbled.
“It’s not,” replied Utage, “but I’m lucky to be with someone who recognizes that.”
Tamon exhaled, his anxieties still eating him up.
“But I’m sure you could still find someone better than me. Someone who recognizes that unfairness, someone who doesn’t constantly spiral, someone who doesn’t need to rely on you so much…” Tamon took a deep breath and then looked Utage in the eyes as his tears started to trickle down again, “someone who’s just as good of a person as you are.”
Utage gave him a moment to let him cry and get all of his feelings out, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder and just further proving his point. After a bit, Utage spoke up.
“Earlier, you said I could have anyone I wanted. And while that’s certainly not true because I don’t think just anyone would want me, there was a bit of truth to it. Out of everyone I could possibly date, I would want you. I would want you whether I was straight or bi, whether I was a trans woman or non-binary, whether I lived in Japan or Antarctica. It’s always been you, Tamon, and I’d like to be by your side as long as you’ll have me.”
With that, Tamon officially broke. Tears came gushing down with no clear sign of stopping as he collapsed in Utage’s arms. Utage gently hugged him back, running one hand up and down his back while the other one gently cradled his head. Utage gave him as long as he needed. Eventually, he pulled back, his eyes starting to dry up and his sniffling subsiding.
“Are you sure about that? Because I don’t want you to leave my side.”
Utage leaned over and gave Tamon a kiss on the forehead.
“That sounds perfect to me.”
~~~~~~~
The next day, Tamon felt much better. After their talk the day before, Utage stuck around to do laundry, and they both chatted with each other about more casual topics while folding clothes. He, once again, couldn’t believe how much talking about their feelings actually helped their relationship.
With that issue aside, he still felt some unease from his initial concern with the pride promo. The editors had worked fast, and the first video announcement was already up, but he wished he could share something more genuine with his fans. Something that truly demonstrated that he was serious in his support.
Several moments later, an idea came to him. Putting on his paper bag disguise, he went to a nearby store to buy something, and then settled back in his room, typing up a note on his phone. After consulting with Utage over text (receiving many heart emojis and thumbs up in approval), he uploaded a post to his individual social media.
~~~~~~~
[First image: a text statement.]
Happy pride month to all the E/YES out there! I’ve been learning a lot about the LGBTQ+ community lately, and I just wanted to share something my friend K, who is bisexual, told me the other day. K has been seeing someone for the past couple of months, and I was curious why they were dating their partner specifically out of anyone, since they had so many options. They explained that, out of everyone, they would always choose their partner. The way K spoke made it clear just how much they care for their partner, and I feel like I’ve never heard someone speak with so much love in their voice before. I feel like I understand what being bisexual is so much more now, and how it doesn’t matter what the gender of the person you love is, just that you love them. To K, to all the bisexuals out there, and to every other E/YES, I hope you enjoy celebrating this month and that you all get the love you deserve 🩷💜💙
[Second image: a selfie of Tamon in casual wear, making a heart with his hand. His bangs appear to be colored with hair chalk, in a deep pink, purple, and blue, forming stripes that match the bisexual pride flag.]
~~~~~~~
Several days later at a group meeting, Keito was furious. It was just him and Ouri at the table for the moment, leaving Ouri uncomfortable as Keito’s anger seeped through the room.
Tamon had left early to go to a doctor’s appointment, and Natsuki and Rintarou had gone out for a smoke break and to use the bathroom, respectively. With no one else there, it felt like all of Keito’s anger was being targeted at him. He tried to distract himself by going on his phone until Keito spoke up in frustration.
“We spent all that time and money on a studio shoot, and Tamon’s dumb post that probably took him ten minutes to make still gets more likes and engagement! He didn’t even link to the merch shop!”
Ouri tried to keep ignoring Keito as he continued, grumbling.
“At the very least the fans seem to like this ‘K’ person and what Tamon had to say about them, although some seem to suspect that he’s talking about me or Rintarou.”
Ouri kept his mouth shut. He had overheard the discussion between Utage and Tamon the day of the shoot, and he figured that the “K” was for Kinoshita. Keito would be pissed if he found out that Tamon had posted publicly about his girlfriend (even if he didn’t call her his girlfriend in the post), and Ouri remained grateful that Tamon at least had the sense to be vague about who he was talking about, not even specifying her gender.
After giving Keito some time to vent his anger, Ouri eventually was jolted by Keito addressing him directly.
“Ouri. We need to replicate the success of Tamon’s post. I need you to find a lesbian to talk to.”
“Huh!?”