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When they woke up, the world was blurry and muffled. They could see squares of muted purples, but nothing came to them in detail. They heard muffled voices from outside, they could see light coming in through cracks in the purple but nothing past the light was something they could see.
They picked their head up, and immediately regretted it as it started to pound. They brought a hand up to their skull, seeing a blur of yellow as they did. Their head hurt, and they couldn’t place anything about their environment.
It felt like they had just come into the circus for the first time; but this time they weren’t in front of others.
They felt lightheaded, like they had stood up far too quickly, which wasn’t far from accurate.
They pulled their knees to their chest, a blanket with muted colors covering them from view. They let out a small groan, pushing his forehead to make contact with his knees. He curled up into a ball like when he had entered the circus. This time they weren’t panicking, they weren’t being watched.
The voices grew louder for a moment, they weren’t naive enough to not recognize that one of the deeper voices started to bark with laughter. Something in them recognized the voices, but they couldn’t make out any words nor could they decipher which voice belonged to who.
Their head slowly calmed as they placed their focus on the noise. They seemed to be having fun, joking about who knows what. Their vision slowly cleared, enough that they could now identify that they were sitting in a tent made of blankets.
Their chest rose, taking in air as they pushed the blankets off, preparing to stand. They had pink overalls on underneath the blanket that felt correct but they couldn’t remember usually wearing pink. It seemed like an odd choice for them, something their dad wouldn’t want to see them in, and something their mom would…
They pulled themselves to their feet, large rabbit feet to be specific. Which no longer felt abnormal, but also didn’t quite feel right. They were human, before the circus.
One foot at a time, they dragged themself towards what seemed to be some sort of entrance. It had the most light peeking through the blankets, large enough for a human-sized chess piece to fit through easily.
Which..was a weird comparison they supposed, but it felt like a good one.
They grabbed onto one of the blankets, the light shot straight through at their face, reviving their fading headache. They winced, pulling back into the blanket tent. Holding their head until it faded again, they looked around their environment instead.
There were many pillows and blankets thrown around haphazardly on the ground. They covered the checkerboard floors everywhere besides right at the entrance where they stood. There were a couple of items placed on a table in the back, one looked to be a photo, and another being a bow that sent a grieving pain through their heart.
They swallowed down the tears, letting themself sniffle for a minute before turning back to what was important. They faced back towards the entrance, listening for the voices. They found that the group had quieted down. A spike of panic shot through their heart as they stuck their head straight out of the tent.
The light blinded them quite a bit, so they held the fabric shut to only allow their head through. They blinked through the pain, feeling like the static in their mind was trying to erupt out.
They looked towards a seating area that they knew the group would be in despite not remembering much. When they looked over, there was a giant white box that covered the majority of it.
Once their vision focused a bit better, they realized it was a large canvas; and they were playing some form of pictionary, run by the sentient ribbon.
When he spotted the teeth guy, something in his gut twisted uncomfortably and scared. Yet, they couldn’t quite understand why because he seemed to be getting along with the group quite well.
Part of them wanted to hide back in the tent, maybe make a run for their door. Realistically they had no reason to not do it, but their mind was still fogged over, and they felt safe in here. Safer than they felt going back to the pink room. This place was made of comforting pillows and blankets – especially because they were blatantly ignoring the table in the back – not whatever was waiting for them back there.
Last time they ran, it was a bad idea. It was easier to run, they knew that, it was easier to hide as well. Yet, something in them wanted to run over to the group, show them that they were alive and okay, and that nothing was wrong because why would anything ever be wrong because they were the funny one; the comedian.
They stayed inside the tent. Pulling their head back through the hole, they made eye contact with the table again, though they couldn’t see the detail on it because their eyes hadn’t yet adjusted back to the darkness.
They laid back down in the blankets, scared of what was out there because they had already deemed this tent safe.
At least, it was safe until there was somebody approaching.
A high pitched voice spoke from closer than they’d heard so far.
“I’ll be right back! I just haven’t checked on Jax today!”
Other voices responded, though those words didn’t come through clearly as their breath sped up.
Jax? Who was Jax? Though the name felt right, felt like theirs.
Jax scrambled to their feet, kicking the blanket off as they panicked, looking for something to do, somewhere to go.
When they saw a gloved hand wrap around the entrance, they ran out the back, into the open.
They didn’t want to be seen, not like this. Not when they weren’t sure of themself, when they weren’t sure how those people knew them because they needed to be masculine and strong.
It didn’t completely make sense in their head either; but they stuck with the logic because it was all they had.
They rushed out past the blankets and ran into the open. Unsure of where else to go, they ran for the only other thought of comfort. They ran towards the bedroom area, though they didn’t miss the jester’s voice ringing through the circus, “shit, shit, shit, SHIT!” Oddly enough their swearing felt abnormal.
Then she turned to the rest of the circus members, “Jax left!”
One of the deeper voices spoke back, “Goddamnit Jax. Causing problems from beyond the grave.”
They felt guilty, but they didn’t know why. They didn’t know why the person was so upset at them, but obviously it was in relation to something they had done.
They eventually got into the long row of bedrooms. The lights were different, though Jax wasn’t sure how they knew that.
They ran into the crossed off room of a purple bunny that felt familiar. Inside, the room was pink and girly. It wasn’t what they remembered, but it also was equally what they expected. The colors and lighting, thankfully, were similar to the tent.
They head pounded again, and they heard people outside.
Mumbling swears under their breath, Jax hid themself in the cabinet. Curling up tightly, like they had when they were homeless.
The door to their room opened up, and they heard soft steps on the ground. Moments felt longer as they listened to the breathing of the other person in the room.
Eventually she called out, “Jax? Are you in here?”
Their hand slipped, and they accidentally hit the falsely wooden walls of the cabinet. The other person’s breathing paused, before starting to approach the cabinet, mumbling under their breath.
“Please don’t come out and jump on me.. Oh Jax.. how did you even fit yourself in here…?” she placed her hand on the doorhandle, and they braced themself.
They turned to face the wall from where they sat, the hand that wasn’t holding them together covering their body from the outside world as much as they could.
They felt the door open, and quickly the person who stood on the other side was silent. Though her breathing quickened before simply pulling Jax into a hug.
They didn’t understand what was going on, but eventually they caught a glimpse of the person. They had red hair, and looked like a doll. They had seen her before, she was there when they’d first arrived.
“Jax! You- You're alive!” she cheered. The door was still shut, and it was just them.
Last time they’d been hugged they had pushed her away.
Or did they?
They didn’t move, just allowed the doll to hug them until they pulled back, looking at Jax confused, “No- You're not going to push me off? Or say some random quip?”
Their mouth opened to speak, but they didn’t. Instead just looking around the room to find a way to escape the situation.
She eventually realized something was wrong, and backed up, “Jax.. Do you remember me?”
They continued to look away from the doll.
“I’m.. It’s Ragatha. Do you know where you are-?” She reached out towards him, cutting herself off when she realized he still wasn’t truly acknowledging her.
She sighed, looking around the room. She spotted a picture frame. She grabbed it, bringing it back to them. She handed it to them, and they took it, avoiding eye contact like they knew what was going to be inside even if they really didn’t.
She squeezed their hand around the object, a small smile on their face, “I was there the day you joined the circus, do you remember that?”
They nodded, they knew that, they recognized her.
She smiled, no letting go but instead looking towards the door. Eventually she dropped her hands, and stepped towards the door, “I- I’m going to get Pomni. You guys were..” she trailed off, “You were always better friends.”
A word sat on the tip of their tongue, so they spoke before thinking about it, “Wait.”
Ragatha turned back towards Jax, shock strewn across her face. She hesitated before coming back to them. They directed their gaze to the photo.
They winced when they saw the frog and clown in the photo. Something bubbled up in them, something they recognized better than anything.
Unbeknownst to them, their eyes rapidly started to switch colors. Ragatha quickly panicked, pulling the photo away from them, “Woah! Hey- Hey!” calming them like one would with a horse, placing her hands on their shoulders to ground them.
She chuckled nervously, “We can’t have you abstracting again.”
Jax’s mouth was dry, but they still spoke up, “Again?”
Was that what was wrong with them?
It had to be.
Why else wouldn’t they be able to remember anything?!
“I.. abstracted?” they mumbled out, pulling the photo to their chest as their gaze fell to the floor. They abstracted..? Like Ribbit or..Kaufmo..
They looked back up at Ragatha, “Are they abstracted too then?!”
She winced at the question, knowing what he meant even if he didn’t name them outwrite. She bit her bottom lip, turning to face the wall, “No.. No they didn’t.”
They looked back at the photo, the people in it were far more familiar now, and they had to assume their eyes didn’t start to swap colors.
They looked back up at Ragatha, “Where’s..” they trailed off the name was unknown to them.
Ragatha seemed to understand after watching Jax try to find the words, she started to name people.
“Right now, those who are here are Pomni, Kinger, Zooble, Gangle, and.. And Caine.”
Jax nodded, thinking about the names, trying to fit names to vague understandings of each of them. Without realizing, they spoke again, “I don’t want to abstract.”
Ragatha’s eyes went wide, she let a small smile place itself on her lips as she placed her hands back on their shoulders, “Then we won't! Let's go talk to the others.” she tried to gesture to the door.
Jax but on the inside of their cheek, “I..” they mumbled, “I can’t..”
Ragatha nodded, “It’s okay! Let's go talk to them first. You might remember Kinger at least.”
Jax thought for a second, lifting their head to look at Ragatha, “The chess piece?”
She smiled widely, “Yeah! Exactly!” She pushed them towards the door.
She stopped at the door, looking down at the bottom of it before turning back to Jax, “Let me step out first, make sure it’s safe.”
Jax had no memory to argue with her choice, so they froze at the door. Ragatha opened it slowly, pushing herself through a small gap making sure it barely stayed open.
The others seemed to have noticed her quickly, Jax heard rushing footsteps and panicked voices. They could hear Ragatha trying, and lightly failing, to calm them down.
Jax placed the picture on the table next to them, turning it to face the majority of the room. They smiled at the frame, then opened the door.
The shouting irritated their ears, but they kept their eyes shut as they pushed through the doorway.
As soon as their head poked out from the door, the others went silent. Ragatha pulled breath into her lungs to speak before noticing the reactions and turning to face Jax once again.
Before Jax stood Ragatha, the doll he had already spoken to. On the opposite side of the group was a chess piece in a purple robe, Kinger. Between them was the person made of ribbon, a Jester, and somebody that looked like the more queer version of Mr potato head.
They winced at their looked, sucking air in between their teeth as their face scrunched up.
The queer Mr (Ms?) potato head rolled their eyes and crossed their arms before anybody else reacted, “Still the same dickhead I suppose.”
Ragatha cut in, “I don’t know about that..”
The jester was watching Jax carefully, seeming to start to tear up watching them. It was confusing, and almost a bit creepy. The only thing that made told them it was okay was that their mind remembered her being there, when they abstracted, even if they themself didn’t.
The ribbon person seemed nervous, nearly hiding behind the others, out of his gaze.
Kinger greeted them first, “Hello Jax.” A disconnected hand reached out closer, “You look like you just entered the circus.” they noted quieter than their last words.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked, getting closer.
Jax knew his name, but otherwise they supposed that no, they didn’t remember. So they decided to shake their head.
The weird person’s eyes grew wider, taking half a step away from Jax. The ribbon person however got closer, more intrigued. Finally, the Jester watched Kinger and Ragatha like they were looking for signs of what to do.
“Do we seriously believe this?!” The amalgamation of parts asked.
Ragatha looked back at Jax almost unsure, but when their gazes met she seemed more convinced, “Yeah, I don’t doubt it.”
The parts looked at the ground wildly, angry. They gathered words into their mouth before letting them explode, “How can he just.. Why does he just get to forget it all because he abstracted!”
“We don’t know what abstraction does to somebody.” The jester quickly defended them, then she looked back at Jax, "What's the last thing you remember?”
Jax looked at the floor, long and hard. His mind scrolled through cloudy, half memories. Ones of joining the circus, of seeing Ragatha and Kinger, and Ribbit, and Kaufmo. Then some newer memories came to their mind. They could remember seeing the ribbon person.. The name is right there… Gangle! They could see Gangle entering the circus. That.. they bullied them? That was weird, Jax didn’t want to hurt anybody.
Jax didn’t want to hurt their mom.
Their head started to hurt again. They pulled a hand up to their temple, the one that kept the door closed. Their eyes must’ve started to flash again as Ragatha started to try to calm them down as the others all seemed to be nearly scared of them.
“Oh shut up. Like you haven’t ever been sad in your own pathetic lives!” he barked out, his voice nearly unrecognizable to themself as he quickly grew angry.
Once he yelled, anybody who had been close to him stepped back. Ragatha jumped away, fear replacing the look on her face. The same was even with Kinger, he looked shocked, no longer caring.
Zooble looked justified, they looked angry but unsurprised. Proud of themself for guessing Jax’s next crazy scheme before anybody else. They held onto Gangle tighter, who quickly hid behind them.
Jax scoffed, “Gangle don’t be a pussy. I’m not going to hurt you..” he leaned onto the doorway, smiling and glaring in their direction, “yet.”
Pomni stomped forwards, “Jax.” she spoke sternly.
His gaze fell to her, ready for her to be giving him an angry look that he could relish in. Instead, their mind fell apart, their eyes went small, and their mouth fell slightly open. Tears suddenly threatened to break through their eyes as they looked at the Jester.
“What is the last thing you remember?” The jester asked again, unfazed.
Jax tried to gather the words together as their hands started to shake. They looked down at the floor, taking a step back as things flashed through their head. Images of the jester in the most intimate parts of their mind.
“I..” they mumbled, falling onto the carpet. Pomni rushed forwards, the rest stayed still to watch. “You were in here." they pointed to their head, “I…I didn’t want..”
Before they could speak again, Pomni pulled them into a hug on the floor.
They could see the looks the others gave them. Kinger looked interested, Ragatha seemed scared..or perhaps confused. The pile of parts still looked at them like they knew what was going on, and the ribbon with a mask still seemed scared.
“What did I do to them?” Jax whispered to the Jester, knowing he could trust her, though they didn’t know why.
She pulled away, following their gaze towards the group, “You don’t know?” she asked earnestly.
They shook their head, “No?”
The jester stared at the group, then back at Jax.