Archive of Our Own

Ritsu despises Tsubomi.

From the day they first met as children she had been unpleasant to be around, self centered, arrogant and annoying. Ritsu thinks it's a very valid reason to disapprove the day Shigeo introduces her as his official girlfriend. On top of that he doesn't trust her with his brother, he fears she'll break his heart sooner than later, Tsubomi is not pure like his brother is. 

Ritsu thinks his reasoning is valid to hate her… it has to be.

At the dinner table he keeps a calm expression, his nails bite into his palms as he hears her laugh politely at his dad’s stupid jokes, as she blushes when asked questions about her relationship with Shigeo. 

Ritsu doesn’t look at his brother, he eats quietly and smiles as he would with any other guest, if he were to look at his brother right now, if he were to see the besotted look on his face, the look Ritsu sees in his dreams, the look he’s wanted to see for as long as he’s been Shigeo’s brother Ritsu would, he would-

Ritsu excuses himself as soon as he’s done with his food and tries to slip by undetected, leave his family to fawn over the girl he cannot stand.

“Ritsu-kun,” Tsubomi calls and Ritsu freezes. 

He should turn to address her, it’s the polite thing to do, it’s what he as Shigeo’s younger brother ought to do. But his throat fills with bile and if he were to see a single hair of hers he’s sure he might bring down the entire ceiling on her head. 

“It’s nice to see you again,” she says after he fails to reply and the silence stretches. 

Ritsu opens his mouth to respond but closes it, he gives a nod and climbs the stairs two at a time. 

“...poor Ritsu has been studying for entrance exams so hard,” the excuse from his mother is the last thing he hears. 

Ritsu reaches his room, he closes his door as gently as he can then walks towards his balcony, he jumps from it and runs and runs, forgetting he’s barefoot, after all that pain is nothing compared to the shards his heart has burst into. 

Their relationship turns a year old, Tsubomi is at their home most days than not, Ritsu had caught them being affectionate in all corners of the house, Shigeo is happy, glowing when around her, Tsubomi is not as self centered as she was as a child, she's still arrogant but not to an extreme degree, she's annoying, hanging of off his brother's arm like a pest, Ritsu hates her, he despises the scent of her cologne, the shade of her hair and the blue of her eyes. He hates the besotted look on his brother's face when she's around, he hates that she gives the same looks back, he hates that she makes him smile, he hates that she makes him laugh.

Ritsu hates every single atom that makes Tsubomi, he hates the people who brought her into this world, he hates the circumstances that made her and Shigeo meet… Ritsu loathes her, despises her, abhors that it’s she Shigeo looks at as she were his world, Ritsu hates that Shigeo will never look at him like that. 

Shigeo graduates and gets a well paying job on recommendation, he's effortlessly charming and everyone loves him. Shigeo is happy, thriving, he celebrates his fifth anniversary with Tsubomi with something extra special, Shigeo saved for a full year for a ring, a beautiful ring for a beautiful woman. 

His brother proposes with a ring Ritsu helped pick out. 

He hates Tsubomi even more, she's the wrong match for Shigeo, he deserves so much better than her.

Ritsu drinks himself stupid at Shou's house, as usual they fall on their casual habit of fucking to cope, Shou doesn't ask unnecessary questions, he’s up for anything as long as it amuses him, Ritsu has always liked that about him, envied his freedom. 

Shou is black out drunk naked next to him, snoring like a broken engine, Ritsu can’t sleep, he’s too anxious, awaiting...

Shigeo informs him of her answer with a text. Ritsu throws his phone, the screen breaks, Shou doesn’t wake. 

Ritsu slips out of the room, dressing on his way out.

She said yes, of course she would, she's a soul sucking bitch who managed to trick his brother into believing she's good enough for him. Ritsu wishes she'd disappear from their lives, he wishes she'd die, as horribly and painfully as possible, he wishes he could see the light leave her eyes, that he could rip out her heart, hold her soul between his palms and crush it.

Ritsu picks up his phone, the touch screen still works, cracked but functional. He replies back to his brother. 

   -I told you so Nii-san, you got so anxious for nothing. I'm so happy for you. 

Shigeo asks Ritsu to be his best man with no ceremony, he pops the question the day after he proposes.

“You are always supporting me, it will make me happy to have you by my side on that day.”

There’s nothing Ritsu would love more than to be forever by his side, Ritsu opens his mouth then closes it, Shigeo is smiling, his face illuminates with it. Why won’t he ever look at him like that just for him? Why does she have to be in the middle? Why can’t he see how much it hurts him? Ritsu digs his nails into his palms and wills himself to smile placidly to his brother. 

“Nii-san,” he chuckles. “You don’t have to ask, of course I will be there for you.”

Shigeo grabs his hands for a moment, unclenching Ritsu’s fists, Ritsu is caught off guard, did he see… no he couldn’t have. 

“I’m so happy,” Shigeo says squeezing Ritsu’s hands. 

Ritsu swallows and gives back a shaky smile, he extracts his hands from Shigeo’s. 

The bachelors is a simple affair, Shigeo didn’t see the need for a party since he’s more than happy to jump into married life but Teru  and Reigen insisted. They invited Shigeo’s closest friends and went to a bar to celebrate with drinks and food. Ritsu is very familiar with alcohol and not a lightweight but he avoids it, giving an upset stomach as an excuse. Ritsu would like to drink the night away, forget about the way Shigeo glows with anticipation for his upcoming wedding, but he can’t do it, drinking makes inhibitions fade away, he cannot afford slipping and saying something he’ll forever regret. Besides Reigen is making a fool of himself enough for the entire party, Ritsu scoffs at the man hanging from his brother’s arm as if he was more family than Ritsu is, slurring how proud and happy he is for him… 

Ritsu can’t stand it. 

Ritsu wants the night to end but when it does his brother will take yet another step away from him, Ritsu’s heart stomped and broken into pieces felt like it could no longer be damaged, but he was so mistaken, it mends itself with each smile from his brother and then cracks and shatters, over and over it mends and breaks, mends and breaks, a never ending cycle Ritsu cannot escape from. 

The celebrations finally end, Shigeo’s face is tinted red with joy and alcohol, Reigen passed out on his back, Ritsu walks beside them wishing his mind was more clouded, wishing they were alone, he waits while Shigeo drops the man at his apartment  Ritsu scrolls mindlessly down his phone, screen still broken he hasn’t bothered to get it fixed or replace it. He hears voices coming from the apartment, Reigen’s whiny inebriated obnoxious voice, he sounds like he might be crying, Ritsu scoffs. 

“Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.”

A few moments later Shigeo exits the apartment, a somewhat sad conflicted expression on his face that fades at the sight of his younger brother, he smiles at Ritsu and they walk away silently. 

Ritsu thinks as usual, his mind circles the topics he can never share, bites back the protests and the desperate pleas, the silence between them drives him mad but he doesn’t think he’d fare better if they were speaking. 

He doesn’t bother fixing his expression, Shigeo is much too drunk to remember much of the night, Ritsu erases that thought and banishes the urge to commit one impulsive repulsive action, his biggest wish his horrible desire-

Shigeo stops by a park, the one they used to play at as children, it hasn’t changed in years, he sits on the swing and Ritsu follows suit.

“I’m afraid,” Shigeo speaks into the night, it’s a clear night, very few stars seen due to light pollution but the moon shines bright, bathing Shigeo, blessing him with its light. 

Ritsu watches him, he’s relaxed, his head tilted back, his hair is askew from Reigen messing with it, his face dusted with the faintest of blushes, glowing, he’s absolutely mesmerizing, Ritsu will never tire of him. 

“Of what?” Ritsu asks, already knowing what he’ll say. 

“That I won’t be good enough for her.”

Ritsu takes a deep breath, burying all the things he could say, all the reasons why it should be her on her hands and knees begging for an iota of Shigeo’s love. 

“Don’t be silly Nii-san,” he dares to put a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder, longing to embrace him fully, to dig a hole inside his chest that only he can fit in. “She’s…” the words hurt, leave his mouth like a serrated knife, scrape him from the inside out until blood pours like a waterfall, Ritsu would like to choke on it and never speak again. “She loves you,” Shigeo moves his eyes from the moon to him. Ritsu forgets how to breathe. “I… I can see it, everyone can see how you… you are everything to her, I’m sure she,” he swallows. “She can’t imagine a life without you… you make her happy, you are my reason, her reason to smile.”

Ritsu can no longer bear it, he looks away from his brother.

Shigeo pats his hand, Ritsu closes his eyes, wills back the tears.

“Thank you Ritsu.”

“It’s nothing.”

Ritsu has dreaded this day for so long, he can barely will himself to open his eyes, he has no work today, nothing to occupy his mind but the fact that he’ll lose his brother in yet another way. Ritsu stares at the ceiling, berating himself for the idiotic thought, Shigeo was never his to begin with. He was lucky he got to be born as his brother, to share as much of his life as he has so far, to count with his unwavering familial affection. He needs to stop harboring the futile hope that Shigeo might understand his feelings, that he’ll reciprocate and leave Tsubomi behind, toss away five years of a happy committed relationship, countless years of pining that came to fruition, forget about the woman of his dreams and join his pathetic younger brother into some incestuous crusade that will never work. 

“Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.” Ritsu repeats inside, outloud, inside, outloud... His heart is grinded into dust and mends and then breaks breaks breaks breaks…

Shigeo is nervous and Ritsu doesn’t understand it. As much as Ritsu may loathe to admit it Tsubomi isn’t stupid enough to let his brother go. 

“How do I look?” Shigeo asks. 

Ritsu finishes the knot on his bowtie and takes a step back, taking his brother’s form in.

Breathtaking. 

“Very sharp Nii-san.” 

Shigeo smiles at him, then looks down and wrings his hands nervously. 

“Do you think she'll think so too?” Shigeo asks in a small vulnerable voice. 

“Nii-san,” Ritsu chuckles and shakes his head, the simple action hurts and the words are worst than a thousand paper cuts “Why do you think she's marrying you?” 

“My looks?” Shigeo furrows his brow confused, a hint of humor there too. 

“Among many other things,” Ritsu blurs out her pronouns in the next phrase, he always does when he’s complimenting him, replacing her, erasing her. “She-I-love you. “ 

“How did I manage that?” Shigeo says in disbelief, a wide happy smile on his face. 

Ritsu doesn't answer, he hates these types of self deprecating questions from him. How can he be so blind? No one is better, no one compares, Shigeo is a God walking among mortals, no one deserves his grace and especially not Ritsu. 

Back when they were children their mother told them the reasons for their birth. Shigeo was the child they made purely out of love, the result of those first exciting years of marriage, Ritsu was different. Their parents were both only children, their mother told them how she had envied her friends with siblings, she envied their deep bonds, the secret games they could play, the certainty that they would always be there for each other, so she and their father had decided to have another child soon after. So Shigeo would never feel lonely, even after they were gone Shigeo would have his little brother always by his side.

Ritsu was born with a single purpose, he was made for Shigeo. There would never be anyone for Ritsu.

Shigeo smiles one last time at him before turning towards the door, his hand on the handle, the door that will rip them apart, the final step towards his new life, new family- Ritsu's body moves without his permission, gripping Shigeo's arm tightly holding him against the door. His brother's eyes widen and before he can open his mouth in question Ritsu commits the sin he’s always been aching for. 

His lips are thin and chapped from how much he’s always bitten on them through the years, his mouth agape in surprise his tongue is wet and his teeth are smooth, he tastes of clean toothpaste the same brand they’ve used since they were children, Ritsu wants to plunge deeper to claim every corner but-

Mob is unresponsive, his body made of cold stone, his eyes wide, his expression is unreadable to Ritsu but he knows. Disgust, pity, rage, confusion.

Ritsu can’t, he’s held himself for so long, he can’t he can’t go back inside, he can’t let him go now. He can’t let him leave.

He lets his head fall on Mob’s chest, on the verge of an explosion, he grabs his arms tightly keeps himself upright with that.

Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.

Shigeo doesn’t move, he lets him sob on his chest, stain his pristine suit with tears and snot, soils his ears with his abhorrent slurred barely coherent words. “Don't don't go, I love you, she doesn't deserve you please please please I need you please don’t leave me I don’t know how to be without you Nii-san, nii-san, nii-san, I beg you please don’t, I’m nothing nothing just yours, please please, pick me, love me, see me, break me, please Nii-san!”

No, no, no no no no no, he can’t be doing this, not on his wedding day, how selfish and disgusting, what is he hoping to achieve? This is a new low, Ritsu has dug a hole he will never be able to crawl out of and almost dragged Shigeo in, held onto his ankles dangling by the edge, hoping, desperate that there could be a chance Shigeo might let go, embrace him as they fall, hold the pieces of his heart so tight they would never ever break again. 

Mob lets him cry. Shigeo is too kind, he rubs his back silently offering comfort Ritsu doesn’t deserve. Ritsu cries for what feels like forever, gasps for air as tears, snot and saliva drip on the floor, on Shigeo’s shiny shoes, dirtying him. His brother lets him cry, his brother knows better, he knows he needs this, he knows he can’t just let him go, can’t push him away, Ritsu will crumble, Ritsu could explode in a fit of emotion and psychic energy, take down this venue, crush every single guest, crush her her her, everyone but themselves.

“Please don’t hurt me again.” the words come out so garbled they are indecipherable. 

“I have to go,” Shigeo says firmly.

Ritsu shakes his head, holds his arms tighter, he’s using his power on him, useless, useless, Shigeo is stronger, Shigeo let him have the illusion of control, just to comfort him, to contain him.

Mob breaks free, it takes no effort, stronger, physically, mentally and emotionally. Ritsu has always known he would one day perish by his hand. His brother takes his head between his hands and lifts it with a gentleness Ritsu doesn’t deserve.

There's no disgust in his eyes, he should be shoving him away kicking and punching him for doing this on his wedding day. 

“Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.”

“No,” Shigeo says. “Don’t'-”he wipes his tears with his clean suit sleeves instead of the handkerchief in his front pocket. “Ritsu I’m-” his lip quivers and his eyes are so full, so full of what? Disgust, pity, rage, confusion- Shigeo lets go of his face. “Don’t say that, I’m, I’m sorry.” With a hand behind his back he reaches for the door handle and rushes out before Ritsu can stop him. 

Ritsu stares at the door, the silence in the room is deafening. He takes a deep shaky breath, his knees feel weak, his power is nipping at his insides, why is he surprised? Why didn’t he foresee this? Why did he think he was above putting on a pitiful show like this? 

Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.

Ritsu rights his suit, he wipes his face with the handkerchief in his front pocket, he has the rings in his inner pocket, Shigeo gave them to him, Shigeo trusted him.

Ritsu opens the door and joins the ceremony. 

He plays his best man role to perfection, ignoring Shigeo's fleeting looks of worry with smiles. Ekubo hovers over them, his eye is keen, fixated, Ritsu catches Reigen’s eyes on him too, as if they are waiting, making sure they could run and shut his mouth before he ruins this. 

Thankfully-horribly- Shigeo is much too distracted by his dashing bride entering the room

Tsubomi glows with the afternoon light like an angel, she draws gasps from the crowd, her dress is so white it blinds him, Ritsu looks at her, at her smile, her fixated eyes, the slight rush to her step to get to the altar. She loves him, Tsubomi loves Shigeo. She called him daily even after rejecting him, she asked him out the first time she managed to return to Spice City, she said yes to his proposal with no hesitation. She loves him and he loves her back. 

Ritsu sees but doesn’t hear as they declare their love for each other in front of everyone, he raises his arm mechanically, delivering the rings despite his insides screaming at him to throw them as far away as he can. 

Shigeo grabs both, with that look-Disgust, pity, rage, confusion-and then turns back to his bride with a smile. 

They exchange rings and don’t wait to hear the words to kiss. 

Shigeo glows, his power shooting sparks, beautiful light shows he used to only show to Ritsu. 

“Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.”

His mumbles are drowned by the crowd cheering. 

Tsubomi draws everyone’s eyes even as she dances clumsily with Shigeo. The dance Ritsu helped him learn, Ritsu wouldn't stumble, not even with that dress and heels, they'd spin and laugh like they did as little children, collapsing on a bed of pillows set up in their living room. 

Ritsu downs his tenth drink of the night, he hasn't touched the food, alcohol enters and flows through his veins but he's sure if he ate he'd hurl. 

He wishes he had invited Shou, maybe a quick fuck in the bathroom could ease him a bit, maybe he should leave now without saying a word. Shigeo won't… he won't mind. 

Ritsu swallows bile. 

Someone sits by him, his table is empty though he's been being eyed by some girls he assumes are Tsubomi's either friends or family. Ritsu isn't in the mood to let anyone down gently, and he doesn't give a flying shit if he's honest, why is he bothering to keep up a front? Shigeo knows now, and he walked to her still, now he's laughing, dancing next to their parents who also beam with pride, a pride they will never afford him if they knew what he was, the things he dared to say to his brother on his wedding day. The things he’s wanted more than anything. 

Ritsu downs another drink. 

“Slow down a bit,” Reigen says. 

He places his elbows on the table and leans his head into it. 

“What do you care?” Ritsu spits.

Reigen is the last person Ritsu even wants to think about on this day. 

“Good question,” Reigen yawns exaggeratedly. “I have a couple of reasons. Him,” Reigen points at Shigeo with his chin who is now chatting with some of his body builder friends. “Imagine your baby brother drank himself to death on your wedding day, it would ruin all future anniversaries, you'd end up divorcing out of sheer grief.” 

“Don't be ridiculous.” 

Ritsu clicks his tongue and attempts to serve himself another drink, Reigen grabs the bottle and holds it away.

“I get it, I love him too you know,” Reigen looks down, his eyes mist over, the liquid inside the bottle sloshes around. “How could I not? The damn kid just showed up one day and saved my stupid life, gave me a purpose, before we met I-” Reigen looks into Ritsu's eyes, uncaring about the spilling over tears, the audible knot in his throat. 

“I don't care,” Ritsu stops him, offended by the implication Reigen's feelings could be anywhere near his. 

“I know but, damn allergies,” Reigen slurps his nose and rubs his eyes. “All I'm saying is we can't do that to him, not today, he deserves every bit of happiness he can get and you and me are no-” 

“Reigen-san,” Ritsu interrupts. “Leave me the fuck alone.” 

Reigen gives him a pitiful look and lets out a heavy sigh before standing up. 

“Don't do anything you might regret later.” 

Ritsu pours himself another drink, he downs it, the alcohol doesn't burn, his throat is numb. 

“Too late for that.” 

The party is lovely, everyone seems so happy for the couple, so many hearts touched by his older brother celebrating his happiness, it’s what he deserves, love and admiration, Ritsu is happy too, under all the bitterness under the disgusting sludge of jealousy and resentment and bile, he’s happy to see Shigeo’s bright smile. 

Ritsu is too drunk, he can barely see straight, he’s been left alone, the women who were admiring him long gone put off by the way he took in alcohol like a fish breathes water, good, more people should see him for what he is, stay as far away from someone as stupid, pathetic and disgusting as him. 

He watches Reigen taking his brother out for a spin on the dance floor, the spirit joining them, Shigeo’s laughter, ugly snorts he can’t control after having repressed his emotions for so long. 

Shigeo doesn’t approach his table, and neither do his parents, maybe they know, maybe they’ve always known, it would explain why mom never asks when he’ll settle, why she’s never asked him to bring someone home. She brought him into this world to be Shigeo’s didn’t she? Ritsu doesn’t resent her for it, he’d do it again and again and again, reincarnate by his side, be his brother over and over. Sufer… So distracted is he by his older brother’s brilliance he doesn’t see her approach him. 

Tsubomi snatches his drink and downs it, she slams it on the table with an exclamation of pleasure. 

Ritsu does his best to school his expression into something decent but he’s not sure if he manages it. 

“Tsubomi-san congratulations.” He uses her name but refuses to give her the sister title. 

“You made him sad,” she says, cutting through his bullshit. “Last night he came in, all bubbly saying how much he loves everyone, and you especially.” 

“I’m lucky to be his brother,” he slurs the words, he’s not aware he’s glaring at her.

“You are. And I am lucky too, it took me a while to break my self centered bubble to notice that, him.”

“I’m glad you could, you make Nii-san very happy.” 

“Why did you do it today?” Tsubomi asks. 

She runs her index finger around the rim of his glass. 

“Do what?” 

“He told me Ritsu, you know how honest he is. He said it was his fault and felt like he cheated though it was you who forced a kiss on him you piece of shit.” 

Despite her harsh words, Tsubomi doesn’t look angry. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” 

Tsubomi rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle of sake he was still clinging to, pouring herself another glass. 

“You’ve ruined my honeymoon, but that’s what you wanted wasn’t it?” 

Ritsu frowns. 

“I mean it makes sense, how long have you been keeping that in? It was bound to happen, can’t fault you for playing dirty.” 

“What do you want?” Ritsu cuts. 

If she’s angry why doesn’t she yell or slap him and kick him out of her party? Why bother acting all sweet? To keep up the perfect girl act surely. 

“I don’t know much about you Kageyama, only that you were a very rude child and all the lies you tell Mob to make yourself look good, I don’t have an opinion on you or care what you may think of me. But I know, that if we leave and come back to find news you were found dead in a ditch or disappeared, Shigeo will not come to the right conclusion and be aware that there was something wrong with you, he’ll blame himself.” Tsubomi points a well manicured finger at the table, surely denting the wood under the cloth. “Put that damn glass down, I’ll send someone with water, and pull yourself the fuck together.”

She slams her nail on the table before leaving. 

Ritsu scoffs and brings the glass she left behind up to his lips, there’s pinkish lipstick on it, the glass is empty, he fills it.

When it’s time to wave the newlyweds goodbye Ritsu stands on shaky legs and stumbles towards the entrance, he trips and almost meets the floor but gets caught by Ekubo and Reigen who pull him back to his feet and help him walk the rest of the way, he growls at Reigen hating the feel of his skin on his but too weak to rely on his feet to keep him from falling on his face. 

Tsubomi is holding hands with some girls, those vapid girls she’s always surrounded herself with, smiling and laughing, mom and dad are talking with Shigeo, he ought to be there, welcoming Tsubomi into the family but the thought makes him ill. 

“Deep breaths Ritsu-kun,” Reigen says. 

Shigeo’s eyes find his for the first time since he took the rings from his hand and Ritsu cannot bear it, he needs to get out, run, explode into the sky and disappear forever. 

Shigeo makes his way through the crowd of friends and family and suddenly Ritsu is wrapped in a tight hug, Reigen and Ekubo give them space. Ritsu freezes, how… what is he supposed to do now? 

Why is his brother hugging him? Why is he always doing this? Always forgiving, always so kind, always always…

“Stupid, pathetic, disgusting man.”

“Ritsu, I’m sorry, I’m sorry but please please, don’t say that ever again.”

Shigeo grabs his face, that is all Ritsu can anchor himself to, people are watching but Ritsu doesn’t care, Shigeo wipes his tears with gentle fingers, there are tears in his eyes too and… pain, worry…

“Thank you for always being there for me,” there’s no outside sound only his brother's voice. “I love you too Ritsu.” 

Shigeo hugs him so tight his spine pops, Ritsu feels no pain only his warmth, he still can’t move, is this what Shigeo felt when he forced that kiss on him? No, no, Ritsu doesn’t want this to end. 

Shigeo lets go, he always lets go. 

Reigen and Ekubo catch him. 

His brother turns and leaves him again, towards his beautiful new wife, towards his new life, his new family. 

Ritsu raises a hand after him, he could attempt to reel him back with his power but it refuses. 

“Nii-san please!” no one hears his desperate plea.

The happy couple is waved away, Ritsu can’t make out his brother’s shape through the waterfall of tears that blurs his sight. 

Ritsu loses consciousness. 

“Let’s play a game!” 

Ritsu takes his eyes off the very intrinsicate sandcastle he and his brother have been trying to build. 

The girl, his brother’s friend Tsubomi, is holding a flower patterned bag in her hands, colorful bits poke out as if she stuffed it carelessly and in a hurry. Shigeo’s eyes are alight and his cheeks are tinted in Ritsu’s favourite pink, the sight makes his stomach churn with that ugly emotion that makes him want to scream and cry, the one his mother keeps telling him to never show. 

“We are playing-” Ritsu says at the same time as his brother says: “What game?” 

Tsubomi grins and drops herself on the sand, disturbing the careful construction, a tower crumbles and Shigeo doesn’t save it. The girl digs inside her bag and takes out a flower crown with a piece of long translucent fabric sewn to it, a couple of plastic flowers tied with a barely holding pink ribbon, a clip on hair bow, a top hat stripped from a teddy bear and two pieces of what looks like candy. 

“Wedding,” Tsubomi declares as she arranges her toys. “My auntie got married and it was so fun, I played with the dolls but with people it’s much more fun.” 

Tsubomi takes a plastic bag full of uneven cut pieces of colorful little papers and lastly a little box of a digital wrist watch, she opens it and dumps what looks like the manual making room for the candy she strips off the package, Ritsu recognizes it as ring candy pops, one is red the other blue. 

“Wedding games are for girls,” Ritsu says in distaste. He’s not sure if wedding games are solely played by girls, he and Shigeo play house often and Shigeo never minds pretending he’s like his mom. 

Tsubomi doesn’t bother sparing him a glance just keeps her smile on her friend. Shigeo who is still smiling and blushing pretty pink. 

“I want to play,” Shigeo says, scooting closer towards Tsubomi’s toys, he levitates some tiny dolls dressed in pretty dresses, there’s a boy one too, he grabs it and smiles down at it. 

Ritsu wants to kick sand in the girl's eyes to chase her away but Shigeo got so mad at him the last time he did it he refused to speak to him for a full day. Ritsu reels in the urge to kick and yell and pull the girl’s glossy black hair.

“Cool.” Tsubomi says distractedly, still pulling out things from her bag, now there’s a little basket and more plastic flowers she tosses inside. 

“C-can I-” Shigeo stammers, some grains of sand levitate and his hair is ruffled. “Can I be the husband?” He blurts almost too loud. 

“Yes!” Tsubomi gathers the clip on bow, the top hat, and ringpop box and shoves them in his hands. 

Shigeo smiles and gets even pinker than before, he looks silly and Ritsu clenches his fists in the sand making the remains on his carefully constructed castle crumble away.

Ritsu doesn’t like Tsubomi, he doesn’t like that she always steals his brother away, that Shigeo never says no to her boring game ideas, he doesn’t like how she makes Shigeo smile in a way he never smiles at Ritsu like. 

Tsubomi shakes some sand from the flower crown and Ritsu thinks he should just leave, Shigeo will barely notice and no one will be mad if Ritsu goes to his room and kicks his own plushies pretending it is the girl’s stupid face.

“Ritsu will be the bride,” Tsubomi says offhanded. 

“But Ritsu isn’t a girl,” Shigeo protests. 

Ritsu whose cheeks are red from his barely contained anger blinks in confusion. Shigeo never protests when Ritsu makes him play mom on their house games. Mom is a girl. 

And brides are-

“Y-you should be the bride, I think Tsubomi-chan,” Shigeo stutters, he always sounds silly around her. 

The girl shakes her head, she gathers some of her toys and approached Ritsu destroying what little was left of Kageyama Castle.

“I’m more tall than you, my new uncle is really tall my auntie small.” Tsubomi eyes him with a serious expression as if expecting Ritsu will bite her if she gets too close-which he might-she drops the toys keeping the flower crown in her hands. “Making the wedding party is the fun thing.” 

For a moment that feels too long but isn’t the younger boy and girl keep eye contact, Ritsu doesn’t say it but his lack of further protest is all she needs to know Ritsu will play her game. 

“Ah… that makes sense,” Shigeo says.

Tsubomi smiles from ear to ear when Ritsu doesn’t shake away the flower crown veil she puts on his head, she reties the bow worse than before and gives him the flower bouquet, Ritsu takes it avoiding making skin contact with her. 

“Mob, bring the toys over the tree, I don’t want sand all over their clothes.” 

Obediently Shigeo stands and the toys follow, Tsubomi directs him under the shade of a tree and makes him place the toys in rows facing it. She pulls some fabric from her bag and drapes it around the tree, placing some of the plastic flowers too then walks between the two rows of toys and spreads the colorful papers on the “aisle”. She directs Shigeo again and he stands still before her as she clips the bow to his collar and balances the little top hat atop his head then makes his stand next to the tree facing they toy audience. 

“Bride come here.”

Ritsu does as asked clutching the fake flowers in his hands, he walks down the aisle, Shigeo is smiling at him, happy he’s participating in her game with no fuss. He did tell him he is happy when the people he likes get along.

Tsubomi fixes the crown veil and Ritsu doesn’t flinch away, Shigeo is still smiling and his cheeks are so red Ritsu can’t help but feel happy too. 

Tsubomi arranges more things around them, taking ever more things from her seemingly bottomless bag, Shigeo watches her and assists when asked, Ritsu watches him.

“Okay!” Tsubomi claps her hands. “The ceremony starts now everyone be quiet.”

She starts humming a melody Ritsu heard in movies. He’s never been to a wedding before, or he did but he wasn’t even out of the womb when his father’s younger sister got married, he’s seen plenty movies and the dramas his mom likes watching. The pretty white dresses, the flowers, the men in black tuxedos and bows, the kiss, Ritsu’s eyes widen and his heart speeds up. 

They play house often but they do chores and parent their toys they never kiss like couples because mom got really mad and said that wasn’t right for brothers to do. 

Tsubomi’s humming stopped and she took the ring box from Shigeo’s hand. 

“Dear friends and family, we are here to celebrate the joining of these two people in love,” she began making her voice sound low and like an old person. “Mob-kun say your vowels.”

“A-B-C-”

“That’s the alphabet Nii-san,” Ritsu corrects him. 

“Oh right, A-E-I-O-U.” 

“Perfect Nii-san,” Ritsu claps.

“What?” Tsubomi frowns at the brothers. “Those are not vowels.” 

“Yes they are,” Ritsu argues. 

“No, why would they say letters at a wedding? Weddings aren’t school. You have to say your special vowels.” 

“Vows,” Ritsu corrects enunciating the word clearly, Shigeo mouths it learning it too. “Vowels are letters, Vows are important promises you say in special moments like weddings, it’s vows Tsubomi.” he’s smug as he says it. 

The girl rolls her eyes. 

“I obviously said that. Don’t interrupt the ceremony, it is very rude.” 

“Sorry Tsubomi-chan.” Shigeo says. 

Ritsu bites back the impulse to call her dumb for mixing up words.

“The couple will now say their specially prepared vowels,” Tsubomi eyes Ritsu out of the corner of her eye daring him to correct her. 

In any other occasion Ritsu would have continued the argument but Shigeo clears his throat. 

“It’s um, a special love promise?” Shigeo asks him and that alone makes Ritsu so happy, he nods and loves the smile on his big brother’s face. “I um Ritsu I love you a lot and I vowe-pro-promise I will love you always and be the best husband, and I um won’t smoke in the house like dad so you don’t get mad ever.” 

“I love you a lot too Nii-san-” 

“You had to wait your turn,” Tsubomi scolds. “And don’t call him Nii-san, that's weird.”

Ritsu pays her little mind.

“Shi-geo ni-” 

Ritsu used to call him Shigeo instead of his title, he’s not sure why he stopped, mom said it was the correct way to address his older brother, she also keeps reminding them that they are family, Ritsu finds it unnecessary, he knows and he’s so happy to be Shigeo’s little brother. 

“I love you a lot too,” he says again, he remembers a wedding scene from his mother’s favourite drama. The teary eyed bride said so many things about her husband even the priest had mist in his eyes, Ritsu didn’t get why they were so emotional but he got the words.

“I vow to love and cherish you all my life, until we are old and grey and after that because my love for you is stronger than death and I know ghosts are real so I will love you as a ghost too. I vow to share my desserts with you and help with chores and have a lot of babies and let you pick their names and never do things that make you sad.” 

“Okay ring time,” Tsubomi trusts her open palm between them holding the little box open, both ring pops haphazardly inside. “The rings are symbols of uh eterni-uh-love thing because they are circus-circles or something and I forgot so, pick one each and put it on the other hand.” 

Shigeo and Ritsu each pick a ring and do as instructed. Shigeo grabs Ritsu’s right hand but before he can put the ring on his hand Tsubomi tells him it’s the other hand so he grabs his other hand and slips the red ring pop on his middle finger, the candy is glossy and Ritsu prefers grape flavors but he knows Shigeo loves strawberry. Ritsu mirrors him but places his blue ring pop on his fourth finger like he remembers from the drama. 

Tsubomi claps, starting them. 

“You can kiss the bride now.” 

Ritsu holds his breath, he remembers the scene in the drama, the couple leaning together the camera panning to their faces before their lips met in a soft kiss as the guests clapped. Shigeo leans forward and Ritsu swallows, the flower crown that was precariously balanced on his head falls on his eyes, Shigeo lifts it putting it back he brushes some of Ritsu’s fringe off his face, their eyes meet and they are all the other wants to see. It’s a simple chaste innocent kiss between children, a soft press of warm lips, something any other pair of siblings would have refused to do but not them, to them that simple action used to be more than familiar and they both know it. 

Tsubomi doesn’t squeal in disgust, she doesn’t mock them or cringe away, she watches them, the way Mob smiles at his little brother, at the blush on Ritsu’s cheeks, the purple and blue flowers of the crown make him look prettier than any doll she owns, the smile on his lips is one she’s never seen on anyone before. 

Ritsu is grumpy and rude and mean but right now Tsubomi thinks the little boy glows just like her pretty auntie in her wedding dress. 

Ritsu doesn’t dream, alcohol is wonderful for that, but Ritsu has always been immune to its amnesia capabilities, he remembers everything, everything he said, the things that were said to him, the pain, the disgust, the anger, his brother leaving despite his pleas. 

The ceiling is unfamiliar, he’s only in his underwear under too hot covers, the room smells of incense that tries and fails to hide cigarette smoke. It’s familiar but it makes him turn his nose. 

“You are at Arataka’s” Ekubo says out of sight, Ritsu doesn’t turn to look for him. “Relax you didn’t fuck or anything, you passed out and it was this or letting you dream on some random street.” 

“I would never fuck Reigen,” Ritsu croaks, his throat is parched, he never drank the water Tsubomi sent him. 

Ekubo chuckles. “Your loss, he’s a good lay.” 

Ritsu clicks his tongue. 

The spirit appears before his eyes, his neon green colour makes Ritsu’s head split in two, he groans and curls into a ball, feeling nauseous. 

“Arataka left water and some pain killers by your left side. He left a couple of hours ago, needed the distraction.” 

“I’m not in the mood to join a broken heart club,” Ritsu says. 

He squints one eye open and finds a still cool water bottle and a tablet with medicine. He downs the water and refuses the medicine. 

“Take the damn pill Ritsu or I’ll force it down your throat.” 

“You can’t beat me.” 

“Sure I can, wanna try me?” 

“Fine,” Ritsu swallows the pill dry, a mistake he soon regrets as the thing scrapes his throat all the way down and he starts coughing, the water bottle now empty. 

Ekubo brings a glass full of water from the kitchen, Ritsu doesn’t refuse it. 

“Did Nii-san tell you to watch over me?” 

“Me? Yes, he sorta implied it to Arataka but he got the full picture right away. I was going to hover around keep track of your emotional wavelenght, it was Arataka’s idea to put you on 24/7 suicide watch.” 

Ritsu groans, rubbing his eyes. 

Dark spots dance in his eyes as he stares at the ceiling again, his head hurts so damn much but it’s nothing, nothing compared to knowing he chose her. 

Ekubo groans in annoyance at the silence, he gets in Ritsu’s face, his form now shining, sending stabs of pain to Ritsu’s brain. 

He forms an arm and points a small finger at Ritsu’s nose. 

“What were you thinking?! You had 24 years to tell him and you chose his wedding day to do it?!” Ekubo says heatedly.  “The look on his face, fuck Ritsu I’ve never seen him so hurt and I was fucking there when that Mogami dick tortured him for six months! You know he’s out there putting on a happy brave front for Tsubomi but worrying himself sick over you, blaming himself for your shit!” 

“I wasn’t thinking,” Ritsu yells. “I didn’t plan it! I didn't mean to, it wasn’t supposed to happen, I just… I couldn’t help it…” 

Ritsu covers his face with his hands, willing the stupid tears in, he breathes in and out shakily, he will not cry again, he doesn’t deserve to cry.

Ekubo sighs.

“Look okay, you are not bad or wrong, you can’t help the way you feel, and I’ll admit Arataka and I are at fault for not reaching out and going ‘hey we know you wet yourself at the thought of your brothers dick so wanna talk about it instead of bottling it up?’”

“Don’t be crass,” Ritsu uncovers his face to glare at the spirit. 

“Still true tho,” Ekubo shrugs. “Arataka was supposed to be here, he’s the one who’s good with words, practised an uplifting speech all night long and all. Just saying it was bound to happen and we are all a little at fault here, you, Arataka, me, Shigeo for being a clueless fuck and even your parents, so don’t be so harsh, I’m sorry for lashing out.” 

Ritsu drops his hands on the covers he stares at them, at the dents, some are old scars he’s renewed often.

“I’ll say this because I’m not like you all ‘eating my feelings till I pop’, I am pissed at you, Shigeo was all sunshine and rainbows since that girl accepted his proposal and I already had to deal with Arataka’s moping for those whole two months, which was not fucking easy! He also had those fits of ‘I should confess before it’s too late’ but I got him to see reason and then you go and completely destroy Shigeo on his wedding day.” 

“He still married her!” Ritsu screams, his voice so shrill he sounds like a small child. “He left me and chose her, he always leaves me.” Tears do fall and Ritsu hates himself more for them. “He’ll get over it, repress it and forgive me like he always does.” 

Ritsu clenches his fists, he slurps his nose and pushes away the covers. 

“Where are my clothes?” 

“Laundromat, you puked all over them.” 

Ritsu stands and a wave of dizziness assaults him, Ekubo doesn’t bother to steady him, he makes legs and sits on Reigen’s computer chair, dangling them.

Ritsu looks through Reigen’s cheap clothes and picks out a plain t-shirt and some pants that look like they’ll fit. He puts them on, hates the feel of the fabric and the smell on them, looks around for shoes and thankfully finds his own by the door, his wallet is on the table but his keys aren’t. 

“Arataka took them,” Ekubo shrugs. 

“Why?” 

“Loot your house, get you clothes, I didn’t ask.”

Ritsu clicks his tongue, he’ll have to use his power to open the lock, or float towards the window, whatever is cheaper to break.

“Ritsu, whatever you are thinking, don't,” Ekubo says.

Ritsu doesn’t answer him, sitting on the floor to tie his shoes. 

“It would be all kinds of stupid,” Ekubo continues. “With that much shit going on inside your head you’d lose track of your essence and end up as an evil spirit.” Ekubo pauses. “With the amount of power you hold, you know only he could take you out.”

Ritsu laughs bitterly.

“Nii-san always does the right thing.”

Ritsu stands and the door opens on his face. 

“Shit, sorry Ritsu-kun.” Reigen enters the apartment with some bags. He shakes off his shoes. “Brought us lunch.” He waves a bag around.

“I’m not hungry.” 

Reigen locks the door. 

“I insist Ritsu-kun, I brought something light, it won’t upset your stomach.” 

Ritsu has never liked Reigen, his face makes him angry, he hates that he’s a liar he hates that Shigeo loves him despite knowing that. 

He sits down on the floor as far away from the man as he can, Ekubo comes by to poke at their food, Reigen shoos him away and the spirit catches his hand, they smile at each other even as they hurl insults.

Ritsu eats in small bites, his stomach protests but he forces the food down, then they’ll have to leave him alone. 

“Almost forgot,” Reigen takes a key out of his jacket and leaves it on the table, it’s Ritsu’s. “I got some clothes.” He digs around his other pocket and takes a receipt. “That suit you were wearing was expensive shit, I had to take it to those expensive laundromats, and I hope you don’t mind me adding the sheets you puked all over to your tab.” 

Ritsu takes the receipt, he doesn’t look at the price. Reigen tosses the bag with clothes his way, Ritsu isn’t fast enough to catch it, it hits his face, Reigen lets out a loud belly laugh. 

“Sorry sorry, I swear I am not hitting you on purpose.” 

“Fuck you.” 

They eat in silence, Ekubo juggles with some ornamental cheap plastic oranges Reigen has on his coffee table.

“I don’t need to be watched over,” Ritsu declares, holding the gaze of both man and spirit firmly. “I’m not a child, I’m not some pitiful wounded animal, I’ve dealt with this for longer than either of you. So tell Nii-san you wrapped me in blankets and let me cry until I felt better or whatever the fuck you want. I’m leaving.” 

“Ritsu,” Ritsu’s seen that face on Reigen before, patient all caring wise Reigen-shishou, Shigeo has awed at that face many many times.

“No. You are not better than me, you are worse, stupid, pathetic disgusting old creep, if I hadn’t done it you would have, and you would have caused a scene in front of everyone, danced like the clown you are for all to pity you!” Ritsu is breathing harshly, Reigen’s expression hasn’t changed. 

“Are you done?” 

Ritsu doesn’t answer, he closes his arms and frowns even though that makes his head hurt more. 

“I won’t lie, I thought about it, a dramatic confession like in the movies, Mob eats that shit, he loves all those stupid romcoms, we’ve watched a lot together,” Reigen says fondly. “It would have been for my sake entirely, get it off my chest but I’m a coward… I won’t lecture you Ritsu, what you did was wrong but brave. I can’t imagine how it must feel for you, all those years holding it in, thinking you are stupid, pathetic and disgusting for feelings you can’t help but have.” Reigen leans back on his couch. “Mob wasn’t angry at you, I don’t think he could even if he tried, and neither is Tsubomi-chan, she’s just a bit tactless, she asked me to apologize on her behalf she was just worried about Shigeo, about you and didn’t know how to say it.” 

Ekubo comes to rest on Reigen’s lap, he grows to the size of a cushion Reigen leans forwards on. 

“It’s okay to let yourself feel Ritsu, it’s okay to be angry or resentful, or sad, whatever is going on in that spiky head of yours, you Kageyama’s keep it all inside and that’s not good at all-”

“You said you wouldn’t lecture me.” 

“I’m not, I’m making an observation, which by the way I noticed, comes mostly from your mother, she’s the pursed lips type person, you both make the same gesture when something displeases you. Then your father seems to prefer to ignore anything that might disturb him. It makes sense you’d grow up to be avoidant.” 

“And?”

“You are right I got a little off track,” Reigen runs his fingers through Ekubo. “Mob feels guilty for not noticing your feelings and he’s afraid of the things you said, he’s afraid you could do something stupid thinking you deserve it, which you don’t Ritsu, no one believes that.” 

“Did you make a country wide questionnaire Reigen-san? Are you kidding me?” 

“No one that matters cares, Ritsu, how long has Suzuki known? He’s never judged you once has he? I’m not, Ekubo isn’t.” 

“What about my parents?” 

“Does it really matter what they think?” Reigen laces his fingers and Ekubo rests his hands that are now bigger over them. “You are a grown man now, but there’s fault in them for never understanding you, sure you didn’t say anything but I mean I noticed when you were still a kid.”

“And what should they have done? Sent me to some sort of psych ward? Shipped me off to grandma’s in the countryside? Bashed my face in until I could no longer remember Shigeo’s name?” 

“Therapy,” Reigen says simply, breaking Ritsu’s angry protests. “You’ve always been smart, capable, took on a caretaker role early on, hid what Mob did to you to protect him, it was a lot for a child. A safe space for you to share your feelings with a specialist would have been good.” 

“Why haven’t you gone to therapy then?”

“I handle my feelings differently than you, sure I get dramatic and ansty but just seeing him happy is enough. I uh, I proved that theory yesterday, I’m at a lot more peace than I’ve been in a while. That’s why I want to help you.” 

Ritsu clicks his tongue and takes a breath. 

“You said it, therapy, a cure to the wrongness in me. Did you dream of assaulting my brother when he was a child?”

“No,” Reigen says, his face is one of horror. 

“What about when he was a teenager? Did you find him attractive? Did you want him then? Kiss him, touch him, fuck him, keep all of his attention on you and you only?” 

Reigen’s face looks ill, the notion horrifies him, he doesn’t say anything but Ritsu knows the answer, no he never did, he loves him in the most pure sense of the word, in the way Ritsu should too. 

“I did, I’ve dreamt and wanted everything from him, I need his love, I want him, I lust after him, I don’t want him to look at anyone but me, so yes, I am those things, it sickens me to say you have more morals than I do.”

“Ritsu-”

“I won’t kill myself, I’ve never thought of it. Unlike you I was born for a reason, to be cool uncle Ritsu for his children at some point, to organize mom and dad’s care when they become too old to care for themselves so he doesn’t have to, I have to plan their funerals, sell our home and save him the paperwork… be there if she dies before him, live longer than him so he doesn’t have to mourn me.” 

“Ritsu, there’s a lot more to life,” Reigen says with much sadness in his voice. “If you gave it a chance-”

Ritsu gives the ghost a flat stare, he’s always seen through him and he’s not talking in the literal sense.

“Is there?” 

The spirit says nothing, Reigen seems at a loss and that is answer enough. 

Ritsu picks the bag with his clothes, takes some bills from his wallet and tosses them on the table, he picks up his keys and leaves the apartment. 

There’s a text from Shigeo on his phone, the one he forgot taking to the wedding. 

    -Please don’t ever say that again, please.

The screen flickers as he replies, the message sends and the cracked screen finally gives out. 

End