Chapter Text
Dear Adam,
I was incandescently happy the day I met you. It is hard, to remember a point in my life when I had ever been so completely happy. You offered me something that I only dreamed of. And even after everything, you gave me a gift...a child. I am pregnant with your child. Part of me thinks that I should send Benjamin or Caleb out to tell you, but I haven’t. You hurt me too much and I am afraid of what happens if I see you before the baby is born.
Why do I say that? I never told you about my Pa and Ma. My parents had led me West only to die within a year of each other. We had arrived in Oregon Country full of hopes and dreams. My Pa would read the Bible to her and her Ma every evening as the sun went down. They had seeds to plant, land to till and a dream of a small home. I would have a garden of my own and my Ma showed me how to cook. I was so happy. You have no idea the calmness and joy I felt. In the evenings, Ma would sing as my Pa would swing me around the house. They taught me how to dance and I learned from my Pa how a man should respect and love his wife. They were true partners. And Ma became pregnant. She was going to have a baby in the spring.
But winter came early that year. It was so cold and Ma gave birth early. She and my baby brother died within a few hours of each other. Before she died, my Ma begged me to be strong and to be good. I could only nod and then Pa sent me out of the room. I cried and cried and begged God not to take my Ma. But it wasn’t enough. I was not enough.
Pa was never the same after that. He couldn’t sleep and grief had broken him. He grew weak and in February, the fever struck him. He asked the local Reverend to care for me and he fought for a few weeks until he told me that he was going to my Ma and baby brother. He died that night. They are buried next to each other. Never parted in life or death. Pa always said that there were two kinds of people in the world. There were those who could love once and those who could love many, but you didn’t know which one it was until you lost your first love. I knew that I would be like that. I would only love once.
I was so angry at them. Why couldn’t my Pa fight to live after the passing of my Ma? Wasn’t I enough to fight for? Why did he leave me? Why couldn’t someone choose me? Everyone expects me to be strong and I don’t feel strong.
I then moved in with the Reverend and made a life for myself. I cooked, cleaned and worked. And as the years moved, I grew up and became more beautiful. Men asked me to the dances and to the barn raising but I never felt that connection that Ma and Pa had. I didn’t love any of them...what kind of woman did that make me?
Then you came into my life, full of bravado and confidence. Oh, Adam you were so strong and sure. I knew that you could take care of me and be me equal. You went for what you wanted and I was thrilled that he wanted her. From the moment I saw you, my heart began to flutter and when you asked me to marry you, I felt no hesitation. Yes-you were the man I had been waiting for. I was in love with you. It just had not occurred to me that the same was not true with you.
It hurt me when we went home and all you wanted was a maid, and a washwoman and a cook for you and your brothers. It devastated me. Who did you think I was? Did you think I was the type of wife to shrug my shoulders and say, “Yes, Adam?” I wasn’t. I am strong and being in love did not change that.
Haven’t I proven that? I’ve reformed your brothers into being men that any girl would be pleased to marry. They were turning into gentlemen. They respected me and are helpful. They treated me with more respect than you did. And then that disaster and the barn happened. Oh Adam, don’t you know that Pride is your greatest weakness?
That night I heard you tell Gideon that, “one woman’s just about the same as the next.” I cried that night Adam. I had never cried that much since my Ma passed. It wasn’t right. I had fallen in love with you so easily and I was just a convenience to you. A woman to cook, clean and warm your bed. Truly Adam, if I had said no would you truly asked the next girl who you met? Was it solely convenience and practical living that made you decide that I was worthy of your attention and choice?
Why could I never be enough? Why could someone never put me first? No one ever has. So I have to. If you knew I was pregnant and did not come down, well that tells me how you view your child. But if you came down, we would fight and I need all my strength for this baby. I will not be my Ma, I will survive and my child will know that they come first. Everything in my life will be for him or her and they will never feel the way that I did. They will never feel the way that you made me feel. He or she will be wanted and loved.
Milly