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Liam slammed the book onto the counter the second he got home, what a stupid idea. He shook his head and cursed under his breath, his fingers gripped the counter and he fought the urge to snap the marble tile between his fingers. With a deep breath, he pulled back and opened the stupid blue book and took the pencil from the side of it and drew a singular line down the first page. He then scribbled today’s date in the top right corner, almost mocking himself for doing this.
“Why is it stupid?”
Liam looked at his therapist with a frowny face and a disgusted expression. “Because,” he opened his hands as if to say ‘why isn’t it?’
“If you have a visual it might be easier to see what triggers you.”
“It might be easier to figure out what doesn’t trigger me,” Liam mumbled under his breath. He picked at the edges of his fingers before looking to the side of the wall. “Okay, I’ll try.”
“That’s all you can do,” she replied, handing him the small blue book. “Every time you feel those urges bottling up inside you, I want you to mark a strike on the page. Not every time you get angry, but every time you feel your control starting to slip away, do you know the difference?”
Liam nodded. For him, it was easy. When he was just angry it faded away and was easy to ignore, much like normal anger for most people. But when it was leading towards an episode, he found it harder to ignore, the way it would consume him and he had to fight against it – there was a big difference.
“Got it.”
By the twenty-fifth strike Liam was left wondering if he was truly okay. He didn’t realise how angry he got throughout the day, how many times he had these horrible urges inside him, how hard it was to simply exist. Seeing it on paper was only making him feel worse about himself, this isn’t helping.
“Dunbar, you gonna keep journaling or are you gonna show the team how to actually throw a ball?” The coach barked at him from his spot on the stand.
He didn’t talk back, not seeing the point in arguing as he put the book into his backpack and jogged onto the field. By the time practice finished, Liam had mentally tracked three strikes in his mind, eager to drag that stupid pencil down that stupid blue books stupid pages.
Before he could even reach his backpack, he was being stopped by Nolan. “Liam – wait up!”
Liam let out a small growl. He didn’t hate Nolan, not anymore. But he really wasn’t in the mood for a friendly chat, especially with Nolan. “What?”
Nolan paused. He knew the pair weren’t besties or anything, but Liam was usually a bit more friendly towards him. “Sorry, uh, I was just going to ask what you thought of my back shots today.”
“They were fine,” Liam replied, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath.
It’s not Nolan’s fault you’re in a mood.
“You need more strength in your arms, you aren’t throwing them hard enough which means they aren’t getting enough speed to go far enough.”
Nolan nodded. He didn’t want to bother Liam with any more questions for the day so he excused himself and walked back onto the field and Liam could hear him asking one of the other boys for tips on how to improve his back shots.
Great job Liam, you’ve made yourself so unapproachable even Nolan isn’t comfortable asking you for help.
He closed his eyes.
Just go home, you need to go home before you hurt someone or do something you’ll regret.
I’m not even angry right now, stop it.
He grabbed his backpack and pulled out his phone, seeing the text from Theo.
Theo: here
Liam: okay
He began walking towards the exit, seeing Theo’s truck in his vision and getting closer towards it. “Dunbar!”
Fuck off.
Liam bit his tongue and turned around when he saw Mason running towards him.
Only you would tell your best friend to fuck off, good job.
“Hey, Mase. What’s up?”
“Corey and I are going to Sinema tonight, do you guys wanna come?”
Before Liam could even reply Theo was standing by his side. “Maybe,” Theo answered for them. “I was gonna help Liam with studying so if we get through that, maybe.”
Mason rolled his eyes. “Fine, but I hope you both will come.”
I need to add five strikes.
“Come on,” Theo said, leading Liam to his truck and only speaking again once they were inside and the doors were shut. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Liam replied, too quick for Theo’s liking and too quick to be believable. “I’m just having a hard day.”
Are you actually? Or is this just how you are everyday and you’re only so self aware of it today because you can see the strikes. Every line is another failure, every line is another time you could have hurt someone else.
“I can tell,” Theo replied and Liam didn’t bother asking how he knew. Theo always had a weird way of being able to read Liam. Even before they became a thing – if you could call them that – he could always tell when Liam’s mood shifted or when his anger raised. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Liam shook his head and turned towards the window, he didn’t want to explain how his therapist appointment went or how he was scribbling down stupid strikes in a stupid blue book. “No,” he replied. “I just wanna go home.”
“Do you want food on the way?”
“No, I’m fine.”
Theo pressed his lips together and nodded. He knew better than to push Liam into talking, it never went anywhere and only ended up in a fight or upsetting Liam, which isn’t what Theo wanted to do. In the corner of his eyes he could see Liam’s hands balled into a fist, but no scent of blood, so that was something at least.
Liam didn’t say another word, not when they got back to his house, not after he showered and not when he got into bed. Not until Theo instigated the conversation, only then did Liam talk.
“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Liam nodded. He rested his head against Theo’s shoulder once the chimera got into bed, the blankets hanging around both of their waists. “Anything in particular?”
“I don’t mind.”
Theo nodded and put on Hocus Pocus, an older classic that he knew Liam loved. He gently took Liam’s hand in his and listened to his heart rate, noticing how much calmer he was. His chemo-signals were also relaxed, unlike earlier.
“Did your therapy session go okay?” Theo knew asking these questions brought their own risk of triggering Liam but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to help Liam and be here for him, but he couldn’t do that if the beta shut him out. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“It was a harder session I guess,” Liam softly admitted.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
Liam shook his head. “I’ve talked enough today.”
Theo took that as his cue to drop the subject and just support Liam physically and with his presence. Liam wasn’t the best at expressing his feelings verbally, he often cuddled into Theo or reached for his hand, those were ways Liam expressed his emotions without needing to speak. Theo understood his mannerisms and little quirks, things most people missed.
“We definitely aren’t going out tonight,” Theo teased.
“Fuck no,” Liam laughed, pressing himself closer to Theo’s bare chest and feeling his eyes grow heavier. “I’d rather be here, with you.”
Liam ended the day with thirty one strikes.
Six days went by and things didn’t get any easier. Seeing the pages start to fill up made him sick to his stomach.
Maybe I should be medicated? I can’t control myself. What if I really hurt someone this time? It won’t be like this forever, right?
This was the sixth day and Liam was struggling… a lot. Between every little thing threatening to tip him over, practice going terrible and his mind being cruel, Liam could feel himself slowly tipping closer to the edge with every strike he put down. He felt exhausted. What was the point in even fighting it just to eventually lose control and break down?
“Please just stop,” Liam grumbled to himself and more importantly, to his brain. “The sun, the moon and the truth.”
It barely worked anymore, but he still found himself trying to use it. He’d try just about anything when he felt like this. When the hairs on the back of his neck stood tall, when his fists balled up and his breathing became harsh. He knew it was getting bad by these signs alone, these signs that had taken him years to recognise and yet he still couldn’t manage them.
You’re weak.
Liam felt his skin start to burn up and he shook his head. He needed to get out of this place and get some fresh air, but he also knew he was supposed to be in class right now.
This is why you’re failing all your classes.
Shut up.
Liam exited the room and immediately regretted his decision when his chest smacked against something firm that sent him backwards.
“Watch where you’re going.”
“Fuck off,” Liam hissed back unable to help himself.
The other guy scoffed and turned back to face Liam. “Really?”
“Really,” Liam snapped back. Piss me off, do it. Hurt me. Liam was practically begging for a fight, for a release right now, just something to take the edge off. “Well? You gonna do something about it?”
The taller guy shoved Liam back. “Don’t get in my face.”
“Or what?” Liam shoved him back, this time not moving. Liam could feel his claws retracting and balled his fist to keep them hidden, even though most people knew about the supernatural now, he still didn't need to wolf out at anybody. “Do something about it.”
“You’re fucked in the head,” he replied, shoving past Liam and exiting the bathroom.
“Trust me, I know!” Liam shouted.
In an instant he could feel all his hard work coming undone, crumbling at the surface. Before he could stop himself or use any kind of skill, his fist was flying forward and colliding with the mirror, shattering the glass and piercing his hand, not that he really felt it. Not like this, not during an episode. He didn’t feel anything except for the ringing in his ears and the dull itching sensation throughout his body, like an itch he could never truly scratch. It didn't matter how much he hurt himself or how many things he broke, it wouldn’t fade away until he calmed down or exhausted himself.
The door began to open and before Liam could react, one of the teachers walked in with a horrified expression but Liam couldn’t bring himself to care. He pushed straight past the teacher and exited the bathroom, not sparing him a second glance or acknowledging his presence.
He could hear his name being called by he ignored it, not fully hearing it over the sounds screaming in his head. If he didn’t leave now, this was only going to get worse.
Air, I need fresh air.
He shoved the door open and almost gulped down the air, feeling the wind immediately pushing through his hair and sending him to his knees. He adjusted his position and sat on the cement steps, bringing his knees to his chest while his claws dug into his thighs.
You fucked up again. You always do this, it’s what you do. You ruin everything you touch and you break everything!
Liam shook his head.
Call Theo, go home. You need to go home and get away from here, please call Theo. Just leave!
But Liam didn’t move. His body felt frozen, stuck in fight or flight, stuck in his mind unable to pick a side to listen to. He felt a stray tear slide down his cheek and wiped it as fast as it came, not needing anyone to see him like this, while the rage was silently showing, the sadness and guilt was a lot easier to see.
As if his thoughts had been heard, Liam’s phone rang but his stomach only dropped when he saw David was the one calling him.
Fuck.
“Hey,” he quietly answered, chances are, David already knew.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine.”
“Theo’s on his way, okay? Are you in a safe place or can–”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
Liam ended the call and fought the urge to throw his phone against the concrete, but the rational part of his brain advised him against doing that. He was supposed to see his therapist again tomorrow, how was he supposed to tell her that this little experiment didn’t work, it didn’t help – that it honestly made everything way worse.
He didn't get long enough to dwell on the thoughts when Theo’s truck appeared, another wave of guilt washed over him.
You can’t even be trusted to drive because you’d get so angry and probably cause an accident or get someone killed. Poor Theo always has to drive you everywhere, he probably hates you for it too.
Theo loves you, you know that’s not true.
Liam wiped his eyes and stood up, walking to the truck in silence and getting in without a word. He could only assume David had filled him in, both of them would have the information from that teacher… snitch.
“What happened?”
“You already know.”
“I know their side of the story,” Theo replied, keeping his tone soft and open. “But I also know you and I know you wouldn’t have lashed out for no reason. Is your hand okay?”
Liam didn’t even need to look down to know he had already healed. “Fine.” The glass had fallen out and the only thing that remained was the dry blood around his palm and knuckles. “Can we go home?”
Theo nodded and drove back to Liam’s. The drive was silent, usually Liam would play the music but not today, instead, he was lost in his thoughts, constantly going back and forth.
“You coming?”
Liam hadn’t even realised they got home before Theo was getting out of the truck. The beta slowly got himself out and shut the door behind him, keeping his head low as he brushed past Theo and unlocked the front door, shuffling his feet once he got inside and dropped his bag down at the couch.
“Come on,” Theo encouraged, leading the way upstairs and into Liam’s room, not wanting him to break down in an open space where anyone could come home and see him like this or pester questions that he knew Liam wouldn’t wanna hear.
“Mum’s gone until Thursday and David won’t be back until morning,” Liam mumbled. But he still followed Theo up the stairs and into his room, preferring to be in his own safe space.
“Come here,’ Theo said, gently grabbing Liam’s wrist and leading him to the bathroom. Once they were inside he turned the tap, making sure that the water was running warm before he grabbed a face cloth and dampened it. Then he gently began to wipe the dried blood over Liam’s hand and arm, ringing out the cloth afterwards and leaving it over the shower rack to dry. “Wanna get into bed?”
Liam shook his head, no. He still had too much energy burning beneath his skin, the last thing he wanted to do was remain still or get comfortable in bed while he was buzzing out of himself.
“Do you wanna talk?”
Liam shook his head again.
Theo nodded and sat on the edge of the bed. When Liam got like this, Theo knew better than to push him or continually ask him questions that he clearly wasn’t in the right head space to properly answer. He knew that Liam needed space while not being left alone, something that Theo was more than happy to do for him, he knew that Liam would talk when he was ready.
Liam moved towards the door and walked back down the steps, he wasn’t radiating the same level of anger that he was when Theo first felt, but he was far from calm. He didn’t chase after him or say a word, he didn't need to smother Liam like he was some incompetent child. Instead, he remained still and kept an ear out.
Liam grabbed his backpack and reached for the stupid fucking blue book and tossing it onto the table before sitting himself down on the couch, his back hunched as he sat forward and eyeballed the book, flicking through the pages, strike by strike until he found page six. Forty nine strikes for today alone, it had been a really bad day. She didn’t tell him what to do for an actual episode, so he wasn’t sure. But he found himself drawing a frowny face at the bottom of the page, a clear indicator of his own self hatred and disappointment.
Failure. You’re useless. You always do this. You ruin everything. This is why nobody sticks around. No wonder the rest of the pack left you.
They had to go to college.
No. They wanted to get away from you.
Liam’s eyes watered and he threw the book against the wall, hearing it slam against a picture before slapping the floor, still open. He brought himself to the floor and threw his head down in shame, holding himself close and trying to escape the thoughts.
“Li?”
He didn’t move. He recognised that voice as Theo’s and he knew he was safe, not that it made the shame and disgust go away, he was still embarrassed. As he should be. He was an embarrassment, he couldn’t control himself or even go a week without throwing a tantrum.
“Hey,” Theo said in a soft tone, cautiously walking towards him before lowering himself to Liam’s level, knowing better than to stand over him or anyone in a similar position. He knew first hand, he wouldn’t like someone standing over him when he felt like shit, so why would he do that to someone else? “It’s just me.”
Liam knew that and he did feel calmer knowing nobody else was home, but it didn't make him feel any less enraged by his own behaviour and cruel mind. “You don’t have to stay,” he found himself saying in the smallest voice.
Theo felt his heart ache at Liam’s tone. The way he made himself smaller and softer after an episode. It was clear he did this unintentionally as a way to seem less scary, less intimidating. But Theo wasn’t scared of him, not now and not ever.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Theo promised. He noticed the way Liam’s shoulders relaxed and his breathing hitched. “Talk to me, what’s going on?”
Liam shrugged. “I got mad… shocker, I know.”
Theo didn’t play any mind to his negative comment. “What happened at school today?”
“I got mad.”
“What actually happened?”
Liam sighed and finally raised his head. His bloodshot eyes now came into view and Theo could see how truly exhausted he was, how blue his eyes looked from all the crying he had done.
“I tried,” Liam said, his voice starting to waver. “I fucking tried but it didn’t work – nothing fucking worked… I didn’t know what else to do and I lost control as usual.”
Theo shook his head. “You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit.” He took Liam’s hands in his own with one hand and used the other hand to cup Liam’s cheek, making the beta meet his gaze. “You say ‘as usual’ as if this is something that happens all the time when you and I both know that’s not true. You haven’t had an episode in two months, that’s been amazing progress, okay? You have IED, Liam. This isn’t something that’ll go away, but it is something we can work on together and manage, which you’ve already been making such great progress with.”
Lies.
“What if it’s not?”
“What?”
Liam sat himself up more, regaining some confidence as he spoke. “What if it’s not? What if this is just me? Angry, mean, violent – I ruin everything and everyone around me eventually gets hurt or leaves me. I’m the problem, Theo. It’s me, I hurt everyone and–”
Liam’s voice cracked as he broke. “That’s not true.” Liam’s walls finally crumbling down and Theo took that as his cue to reach forward and completely hold Liam in his arms, careful not to restrain him or make him feel restricted by his touch. “None of that is true, do you understand me?”
Liam avoided eye contact with the chimera. How could he believe anything that Theo says when the proof is clear, he’s seen it happen time and time again. “You’ll leave me too.”
Theo pulled back and frowned. “Do you really believe that?” After everything they had been through together, Theo was the last person who would leave Liam, who would ever judge him especially for something like this, something that was out of Liam’s control. “I’d never leave you, not over this and not over anything. I care about you so much.”
“You say that now,” Liam sniffled. “But you’ll get sick of me, sick of this… everyone else does.”
“I’m not everyone else.” Theo couldn’t let Liam think like this, even if it was just Liam’s emotions speaking and not truly how Liam felt, he didn’t want these thoughts to cross Liam’s mind. “I love you, okay? I love every part of you and that includes the IED. It doesn’t define you and it’s not who you are, it’s a small part of what affects you, but it’s not you.”
Liam was trying to listen, he really was. But it felt like Theo was only telling him what he wanted to hear, just telling him the right words to calm him down before he could leave him.
“Hey,” Theo cupped his face yet again. “Look at me, listen to my heartbeat. I love you and I’m not going anywhere. There is nowhere else I’d rather be.”
That’s because you have nowhere else to go and I’m the best option you have. Liam closed his eyes, he hated how cruel his mind could be during times like this. “Where else would you go?” He asked, trying to use a softer tone than the one his mind used.
Theo was slightly taken back by the question, but he understood why Liam would ask that. “I might not have a family or a place to call my home to run away to, but I could. If I really wanted to, I could leave at any point, get in my truck and move to a new town and start fresh. I could change my name, meet new people, maybe even make some friends and meet a cute guy.” He paused, noticing the shift in Liam's face. “I could do that if I really wanted to… I was going to before Scott called me.”
“What?”
“The day you were at the hospital with the hunters… I was planning on leaving Beacon Hills forever. I had no friends and it was clear to me that you guys were never going to trust me or let me into the pack, no matter how hard I tried to prove myself. So, I was going to leave.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Because of you.” Theo smiled. “Scott called me and said you were at the hospital with the hunters, I knew you’d be in danger and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure you were safe before I left for good.”
“You stayed because of me?”
Theo nodded. “I stayed because you let me, you wanted me to stay and for the first time in my life, I felt wanted and that’s because of you.” He watched as the light slowly returned behind Liam’s eyes. “That’s what you do for people. You bring out the good in everyone around you, you become their light in a dark room.”
“Who knew you were so poetic,” Liam said with a sniffle and a small smile.
“I’m serious.” Theo only wished Liam could see himself through his eyes. “You made me wanna do better, be a better person… I wanted to be like you.” Liam frowned in confusion. “That day at the hospital, you were so sure of yourself and so loyal, you were willing to risk your own life to protect Scott and make sure he could save Beacon Hills… I’d never lay my life on the line like that for random people but you did, time and time again you did.”
“I guess.”
“You showed me strength, what it means to truly be fearless.”
“I still get scared.”
“But you don’t show it,” Theo replied. “Your actions speak louder than words so yeah when you have an episode it shows through destruction, but that doesn't make you a destructive person. When you’re happy you get gifts, you make things – when you’re upset, you like to cuddle and just be held. Your actions have shown everyone the kind of person you truly are and anyone who really knows you, knows that you are more than your IED.”
Liam nodded and for the first time he found himself believing what Theo was saying. He slowly stood up and eyeballed the stupid book face down on the floor before he grabbed it and handed it to Theo. “This is what set me off this week… I can’t blame a book but it hasn’t helped.”
Theo accepted it from Liam’s hands and opened it, the confusion only adding when he saw the strikes on six pages. “What’s this?”
“My therapist said it might help me if I get a visual of every episode I avoid… but it didn’t.” Liam sat back down on the floor directly across from Theo. “Every strike represents every time I almost hurt someone, every time I lost control and almost lost it completely… Every strike is whenever I am weak.”
The realisation only then hit Theo. Every individual strike was a time that Liam had to fight, every time he had to push those urges away and try to function like a ‘normal’ person. He didn’t realise how hard Liam had truly been fighting until now, when the picture was clearer than it had ever been.
“Two hundred and fourteen…” Theo whispered, brushing his finger along the sixth page and the frowny face. “Not even a whole week and this is how many times you felt close to losing it?”
Liam nodded.
“Liam,” Theo said softly, pulling him close and bringing him to his chest. “Darling, I think you’ve been looking at this all wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“Two hundred and fourteen strikes and you had one episode, right?”
Liam nodded.
“Then that’s how you need to look at it, love.” When Liam didn’t catch on, he continued to explain. “You are so strong – don’t roll your eyes, I’m being serious. Two hundred urges and only one episode, you fought over two hundred times for control, to remain yourself, that’s impressive.”
Liam chewed at his bottom lip. “Then why does it feel like I failed?”
“Because you are your own biggest critic,” Theo replied. “Because you are so hard on yourself and you don’t actually see how amazing you are. I think this was so hard for you because you didn’t realise how often you’re triggered and that’s okay, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, this wasn’t some test.”
“I tried so hard.”
“I know you did and this is proof of that.” Theo smiled, holding the book up. “I couldn’t have done this. You don’t give yourself enough credit, you truly are so amazing and so strong.”
Liam sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I just wish I didn’t have to fight at all, not with myself or other people, it’s so fucking hard, everyday is hard.”
“I know,” Theo said in a hushed tone, holding Liam closer. “Well, I don’t know, but I see how hard you try and that’s all you can do. I’m not going anywhere and you can’t ever scare me. You’re stuck with me.”
“Good,” Liam simply replied. He couldn’t imagine a life without Theo and he hoped he never had to. “I’m sorry you had to pick me up and deal with all of this.”
“Don’t ever apologise,” Theo said. “I was literally reading a book, I'd much rather hang out with you.”
“Even when I’m like this?”
“Especially when you're like this,” Theo replied. “This is when you need me the most, even if you don’t want to admit it.”
“I admit it,” Liam retorted. “I do need you… more than anyone else.”
Theo pressed a kiss to Liam’s temple. “I think you should keep doing the strike system, give it another week and try to think of it how I explained it.”
“I don’t know if it’ll help.” Liam said with pressed lips.
“If it doesn’t you can stop right away, nobody can make you do anything you don’t wanna do, okay? It’s your choice.”
Liam nodded. “Okay. I’ll give it another try.”
Each strike isn’t a failure. Each strike represented a time where Liam showed strength, courage and determination despite everything else in his mind and body screaming at him to snap, to lose control and to give in.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, thanks again.”
“Anytime.”