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Today was not a good day on board the Hail Mary. It never usually was, now 3 years and 4 months into our trip to Erid with at least 8 more months to go, but today was worse than most.
"Grace?" Rocky's small voice chirped from the side of the bed. "Are you okay?"
I barely had the strength to look over at him, my breathing heavy and ragged. I was exhausted and all I had done was try to sit up slightly.
"Yeah," I coughed out, spitting up small amounts of blood and phlegm into my hand as I spoke, wiping it away onto the blanket where I thought he wouldn't be able to see it. "I'm okay."
Every day had been harder than the last for almost a year now as I grew smaller and smaller and weaker and weaker. Armando had his hands full trying to keep me alive and Rocky was doing his best to not break down every time my heart beat a little weird or I gasped out because I couldn't get a full breath anymore.
I was dying, slowly and painfully. I was dying as I had always been supposed to on this mission, all while Rocky tried his damndest to keep me alive and comfortable until we got to Erid.
"Armando," I croaked out, my voice weak and light, a moment from fading away. "Pain meds. Please."
I knew my meds were running low, Armando never touching Yao or Ilyukhina's even though they were dead, god rest their souls and sacrifices. I was limited and saving them up for worse days that were bound to come, but I needed them more than ever today as pain ran rampant through my whole being as my nerves set themselves alight with hellfire that demanded my attention.
"You only have 3 remaining doses of pain medications, Dr. Grace," Armando informed me. "You have one dose remaining of the following: methadone, morphine, and oxycodone. Would you still like to request pain medication treatment?"
"Yes," I whispered, gripping Rocky's claw through his carapace-tight suit. "Yes, I want the medication."
"Understood. Distributing medication now," Armando helpfully chirped out as a feeling of relief crawled its way through my body, snuffing the flames of pain that had been burning me alive with sensations that could rival Rocky's atmosphere cooking me alive.
I moaned out in relief, leaning back slightly more as my muscles relaxed, Rocky gently adjusting me to be more comfortable in my current position. We both knew I would bruise later from his touch. I always did.
"Are you feeling better now?" Rocky asked gently, settling himself to sit right up against my side, warming my thin and frail body that was always cold now. "Do you need another blanket?"
"I'm okay. You're warm enough for me," I told him truthfully.
"Good good good," he murmured to himself, wrapping a cobble leg around my waist and holding me close with a gentle touch, like I would break at the slightest amount of pressure.
He wasn't wrong in that assessment.
"Dr. Ryland Grace," Armando interrupted. "2 Doses of pain relief medication remaining. Future recommendations for treatment have been updated."
Updated?
My mind froze on that word, fixating on it. What else could Armando recommend for pain relief without digging into Yao and Ilyukhina's supplies?
"Armando," I spoke out, my curiosity getting the best of me, something that I would soon regret. "What would future recommendations be?"
"Given your current state, Dr. Grace," Armando began, "with a BMI of 16 and the lack of remaining pain medication available, your options have been updated for future pain relief. You currently have one dose of both methadone and morphine, as well as the recommended treatment course."
"And what's that?" I asked, my voice tight as if I knew what the system was hinting at.
"Recommended course at this time, given the completion of the mission, is euthanasia due to lack of supplies and your current condition. Nitrogen is available at your disposal," Armando added coldly as my heart dropped.
My chest was tight, like Rocky had decided to sit on me. I couldn't breathe. I could barely feel the tears rolling down my cheeks or hear Rocky's worried voice and gentle touch on my hand.
"Grace? Grace?" He whined worriedly. "What's wrong? What did Armando say?"
"Armando…" I paused, taking in a deep breath as I chuckled. "Armando recommended that I use high concentration nitrogen to treat any future pain."
"But nitrogen would kill you in high doses?" Rocky asked confused, shaking his carapace. "Why would-"
I cut him off. It would be best if I just came out and said it. Maybe Rocky would agree.
"Armando thinks I'm too sick to keep living. He thinks the best course of action is for me to be euthanized, to die," I clarified, still laughing slightly at the absurdity of it.
I knew my odds were bad when this started. I honestly didn't have much hope of getting to Erid, but we were so close that I kind of began to hope. I was completely and utterly fucked.
This was a suicide mission and it looked like I would be completing it the way it always was supposed to end: with my death.
"What?" Rocky's voice was low as he questioned me. "What the fuck did Armando just say?"
"It's fine, Rock," I said, wiping the tears off of my face as I placed a gentle hand on his carapace. "He's just following-"
"I don't fucking care!" Rocky exploded, jumping off the bed, stalking his way towards the arm, back leg up in an attack stance. "You! You say Grace should die?!?"
"Given Dr. Grace's current condition-" Armando attempted to explain, but Rocky wasn't having it.
"No! Grace no die!" He shouted, his carapace shaking in anger as he tapped his legs furiously. "Grace live and go to Erid! Grace have to live!"
"Rock," I interrupted his screaming match at Armando. "It's fine. Really. Armando is right anyway. I'm weak and there isn't many resources for me left, so it makes sense that he'd want me to go peacefully. I should be dead anyway."
"Grace?" Rocky's notes were small and weak, like all of the air had been sucked out from behind them. "What are you saying?"
"I'm just saying that Armando is right," I reiterated.
I had accepted my fate long ago, during those 6 weeks I searched for Rocky, every opportunity to go home, to go back to Earth. I had made peace with my death then and I would keep the peace with it now. I was okay with this.
"Do… Do you want to die?"
"God no," I told him, shaking my head. "But if it comes down to being in constant pain for the next 8 months or dying on my own terms, I'm going out on my own terms."
"Grace no die," Rocky reiterated, slipping back into the weird pidgin we'd spoken when we first met, a habit from whenever he was pissed off or stressed, most often a mix of the two. "Rocky no let Grace die. No no no no no," he muttered to himself, making his way over to Armando.
"Rock? What are you doing?"
"Fixing," was his only response as he pulled out his tools and disassembled Armando as fast as he could, tearing into small pieces and breaking him up.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I shouted, pushing myself upright. "Rocky! I need Armando!"
"Will have!" Rocky shouted back. "Fixing! Grace stupid, now Grace sleep!"
"C'mon buddy," I pleaded, wiping off the blood that had begun to run from my nose and mouth, my gums leaking from the force of my shouts. "Armando is just following protocol. It's fine."
"Not fine! Rocky fix protocol! Rocky always fix!"
"Just-"
"No! Grace sleep! Rocky watch! Grace live, Rocky make sure!"
I let out a deep sigh, accepting this situation. I was tired, just like I always was, and Rocky was just going to do whatever he wanted, just like he always did. It's not like I could stop him anyway, bed bound and weak.
"Fine," I accepted, leaning back into the bed and pulling the blanket up more, shivering without Rocky's heat at my side. "Just… Please pick up after yourself."
I never heard a response, but I fell asleep to the sound of him muttering curses at Armando and Stratt and throwing pieces of Armando around while he searched for specific tools.
I fell asleep to the sounds of home, of love, of my family.
~~~
"Grace?" Rocky whispered. "Grace, wake up," he demanded gently.
Blearily, my eyes opened as Rocky demanded for the lights to be dimmed, noticing how my hand struggled to come up to cover my face. He always noticed, even the smallest of things, the tiniest of movements that said I wasn't completely comfortable, and did his best to fix it. I could never tell him how grateful I was for that, especially on days when I was too weak and tired to speak.
"What's up, buddy?" I asked, my throat sore and horse.
"I fixed Armando," he said proudly. "Ask. Ask Armando about pain medication or treatment."
"Armando," I said, relenting and following Rocky's orders. I trusted him enough to do that at the very least. "How many pain medications do I have available?"
"Dr. Grace, you have 2 full remaining supplies of pain medications, as well as one dose of both methadone and morphine," Armando informed me. "Would you like me to administer one?"
"Uh… no. How about future treatment options?"
"Due to your current physical state, I am recommending lots of rest and comfort care until further medical treatment can be made. Would you like me to list all options?"
"No," I shook my head, a soft smile finding its way onto my face. "Rocky, what did you do?"
"I fixed it. I told you, I always fix for Grace," Rocky said happily, curling himself up in between by torso and arm, snuggling into my side as he purred.
"But, Armando couldn't access Yao and Ilyukhina's-"
"I fixed it," Rocky repeated. "I reset the mechanical lines so that Armando could access them under your area, so that technically, Armando thinks you have full supplies now plus some."
"You… You rewired the whole thing?" I asked.
"Yes!" Rocky chittered proudly. "And I fixed Armando after I broke him."
"You broke him?!?"
"Yes yes yes," Rocky continued to explain, happy with himself and his action. "Armando hurt Grace's feelings, so I had to hurt Armando. All fixed now thought!"
I glanced over at Armando, looking him over again, noticing all of the xenonite bandages that covered him, welded onto him from where Rocky had cannibalized him in rage.
I giggled at the thought of it. Rocky got so mad at an automated system over me that he physically broke it and was forced to put it back together.
"You, Rocky," I said, wrapping an arm around him tightly, "have a very mean protective streak over a leaky space blob."
"Of course! You are my leaky space blob! You are my responsibility. I have to keep you happy and Armando needed to be reminded of his place," he growled out, tensing up as if ready to take him apart again for moving wrong.
"That's right," I laughed, wrapping my body over Rocky as best as I could. "I'm your leaky space blob, but you're my scary space monster too."
"Good good good," Rocky murmured, pausing for a moment before he continued, purring gently and holding me close as I nuzzled my head against his body. "I love you, Grace."
"I love you too, Rocky."