Work Text:
I first saw you during summer.
It was always me and Chan. No one dared to cross the line and befriend me, no one except you.
I was seven years old, walking along a beach in my home town as I gather seashells. Chan had always loved them. It was a hot afternoon, but you didn't let the heat stop you from having fun. You'll walk to the water, and run back when the waves try to touch your feet. It was such a simple thing, but you look like were having the time of your life. The sun shone so bright, but your smile outshone it. You saw me, and you waved your hands. You asked me to play with you, but I was too shy. You were about to approach me, but my younger brother called me. Of course, I ran to him to give him the shells I picked. I looked back and I saw you wave your hands at me before you went back to playing with the sea.
I may have left the beach, but your eyes, your smile, they never left my memories.
Time flew so fast, and I started studying at an arts school for high school. Chan was almost three years younger than me, so he was still in middle school. It was during a dancing elective class that I saw you. I thought I came early, but you were already there. Your moves were fluid, like the waves that used to chase you by the beach. You saw me, but I doubt that you remembered me. You still smiled though. Your smile was still the same as I remembered, and your eyes sparkled still. You were all sweaty, but you approached me and extended your hand. Then I knew that your name was Kwon Soonyoung.
Weeks passed, and we became partners for an activity. And what a coincidence! You were my classmate in a subject with a class prod as a final activity. We were tasked to write a song, but you said you lack equipments at your home. I then offered our humble abode. You then met my younger brother. I thought you'd get along well, because I saw the same passion you had for dancing. Unlike me, Chan was more vocal. You kept on picking on him for being smaller than me, who is already small.
Months later, we became close. You became close to my brother too. You officially crossed the line, you are now our friend. You come over unannounced, but my parents wouldn't mind. They liked you. Sometimes I think they liked you more than me, but I can't blame them, even I like you more than I like myself. Maybe it's because I don't like my self, or you were too likeable. Nevertheless, I admit that I like you.
It was the last day for the semester, and the day for the final prod. I went inside a cubicle in the men's room because I can't control my nerves. I was about to get out when I heard you talking with our classmate, Minghao. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard everything. I heard you say you like me. I couldn't be happier, because I like like you. I went out shortly after you talked to him. When I went back to the venue, you looked at me and showed me an assuring smile. I swore I felt my heart beat twice as fast.
Years has passed, and you kept coming to our house. You dyed your hair blonde with teal, you forced me to get my hair dyed, too. Mine was pink, though. I never liked pink, but you said it looked good on me, how could I refuse you? Chan was also studying in our school, and since both of you chose dancing, so you see each other quite often. You don't pick on him anymore because he's taller than me and is almost of the same height as you. The three of us became inseparable. We'd eat lunch together, ditch classes together, and watch movies together. I was happy, of course. My dear brother whom I love so much and the man I really really like gets along just fine. You'd take care of Chan as if he was your brother, and before I knew it, I was already falling. Falling fast and hard.
In that same year's winter break, Chan entered my room. He had this lovely glow, as if he had everything he wanted. He sat on my bed as I continued to work on my composition. The words he said next broke my heart.
Chan likes you, Soonyoung. He likes you a lot.
You were the reason he smiles, how could I deprive him of something that makes him happy?
So I kept my feelings bottled up. I hid it quite well, I must say. If only you haven't read my lyrics, then you won't know how I feel. But there's something you didn't notice, though. Those feelings were for you.
At the end of the school year, people with dancing major held a recital. It was our last year in this school, so you were excited about it. When Chan knew about this, he came running to my room and started jumping on my bed. He was so happy, and I would like to keep it like that.
I attended the recital to show my support to both of you. You even ordered me to bring flowers. I did bring flowers though. Chan was the first to perform. His sharp, knife-like moves captivated the audience. After that number, he bowed and smiled. After a few more performances, you showed up on stage. There was a blue light that shone over you. When the song started, you started moving your body to the beat. You were still the same. The sparkle in your eyes, the fluid movements, the bright smile. Your body moved as if it had a will of its own. You then bowed and stepped down from the stage.
Before the program ends, the emcee announces that this will be the final performance for tonight. He mentioned something about only two chosen students were to perform, the best of the best. The lights went off, and a spotlight shone on you. You looked up, sweat trickling along your face. A soft, slow melody starts to play. You started dancing gracefully. The music's tempo gradually increased, and another spotlight shone on my brother. Both of you started to dance. Your movements are in synch, as if you are one. The music is so sad, but I can't help but feel the overflowing happiness Chan felt. At this moment, I realized how you two were so alike, and how you two fits well with each other.
I could never talk to you about Star Wars like Chan can do.
I could never catch up to your dancing skills, not your height, like Chan did.
I could never dance with you like Chan did.
He's like the sky, and you're like the sea.
You looked so good together, and at one point you'd always meet.
And I'm like the sand who you're bound to wash away to the shore and will eventually get replaced.
At that moment, Jihoon told himself that he'd do anything to keep his brother's happiness, even if it means taking away his.
After the show, I came backstage to give you flowers. You smiled at me and thanked me. You asked if I could meet you tomorrow, and I agreed. I told my self that If I must let my brother be happy, I shouldn't do this, but I'd want to be selfish for one last time. Chan saw us, and I swear I saw a hint of jealousy in his eyes. I went to him and congratulated him for his amazing performance. We then went home.
The next day, we went to the beach. This is where I first saw you. Do you remember? Of course you won't, but I'm happy. Everything here reminds me of you. The sea sparkles the same way your eyes sparkled when you talk about your favorite group, or when you feel satisfied after a successful performance. Your movements were like the waves, sometimes impulsive, sometimes calm. Like the see, it was as if nobody could tell you what to do, you'd do as you please. Your smiles were like the sun. No, your smiles outshine the sun. You were like the summer, you are warm, and many looked forward to seeing you again. But like the summer, the sun, and the waves, Chan loves you.
We walked along the familiar shoreline. You looked at me and smiled playfully. You grabbed my hends, intertwined it with yours and said, "Let's run away, Jihoon." And you ran and ran as you held my hand. For a moment, I wished I could run away with you, I wished this moment lasted forever, but it can't.
When the sun goes down, we sat by the shore. You looked at me with those sparkling eyes. You held my hand as you made me lean on your shoulder. You then said it. You said you like me. You said you love me. I can't help but cry. You looked so confused. I'd hate to see your beautiful eyes cry, but Chan needs you more than I do. Chan likes you, Soonyoung. But it's not my story to tell, Chan needs all the time he could get to muster his courage. I kissed your forehead before I said, "I'm leaving, Soonyoung. I'm going to study music in Seoul." I reasoned out that I need to chase my dreams, but all of these were lies. Why would I go away if my dream is in front of me now? You smiled, but I've known you for years. You said you understand, that you didn't want to hold me back. I want to make you shut up, because that was never true, if anything, you made me feel so happy that I'd feel so high. I want to say all this, but I can't. Before I left you, I kissed your cheek and whispered, "Please take care of Chan."
I flew to Seoul without even telling you. I cut all our forms of communication. The last I heard of you is when Chan called me in the middle of the night to tell me that he confessed to you. He didn't tell me what your response was, but Chan sounded okay, so I thought things went well for you. All my pent up emotions, I put them in every song I wrote.
Finally, I was able to graduate.
The first place I went to after I arrived at my hometown was the beach. I still had my luggages with me, and I wore thick clothes because the winter air is starting to kick in. I looked up, and saw snow start to fall from the sky. Then I saw you, and it's summer over and over again.
But Chan ran to you, and you welcomed him with open arms. You hugged each other, and your laughter filled the air.
And suddenly, it felt colder.
But Jihoon can endure it,
As long as his brother is happy and warm,
Even if it was the one he loves that brought summer to his brother's life.
As long as both of them is happy, it's alright.
I'm not okay, but it's alright. I'll be alright.