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Max and Rafael were drawing quietly in a corner of the study room. It was late – way after the latest class of the day. Rafael’s dad was very busy, and he couldn’t always find someone to look after him when he couldn’t, and all his friends and family were just as busy as he was. Usually he just went back to the Institute on his own, but Max’s dad was running late. It happened that his dad couldn’t come get him from time to time, and he didn’t like to stay at school on his own.
So Rafael had stayed too, under Luke’s supervision. He was grading papers at his desk. The sky was dark outside, the school quiet.
Rafael didn’t mind. He liked the school after hours, it always felt a bit like an adventure, a side the other children didn’t see. Luke would often take him on his tour to lock the school, or with him in the office until his dad arrived. And he was glad to stay with Max. They had become good friends. Rafael liked him. He was younger than him, but he didn’t hesitate to fight or answer back, he didn’t let anyone bully him. He was also glad Max had forgiven him for how mean he had been a few months ago. He was still very ashamed when he thought back on it, but his dad said that the important thing was that he knew he had been wrong and he’d done what was needed to make it better.
He had made it his mission to protect the boy from further trouble – even if Max could very well defend himself. As a result he had lost some of his friends. It was nothing official, but there were clearly three groups at school – Shadowhunters, Downworlders, and those willing to mingle in the middle of it. He liked to report to his dad how this group was slowly growing.
And besides, he saw a lot of Max lately. Mainly because his father had taken to visit the Institute a lot. A real whole lot.
It was funny because their dads thought they didn’t know what was going on. Magnus Bane came to the Institute on “official business”, and they stayed and talked in his office for hours. Sometimes Max and him would snuck up on them just to spy, and find them sitting on each side of the desk, hunched toward each other and talking quietly. It felt terribly intimate for some reason, even if they were doing nothing at all. It was quite boring really.
But his dad had also gone out at night several times and invariably those nights Magnus hadn’t been home either, as Max had reported. They went to the restaurant or just out, to do what grown-ups did for fun, and it pleased his aunt greatly. It pleased him too. It was nice, in his opinion. And now was a good time to talk to Max about it.
“Do you want to be my brother?”
Max lost interest in his drawing to focus on him. When he wasn’t angry or excited he took quite a while to talk, like he needed to think very carefully to what he wanted to say. Even the smallest question he treated like it was of the utmost important. It was a bit frustrating but also funny, especially when he needed a full minute to answer to a question like “did you eat good at lunch”.
For more serious matters, it was a bit unnerving though. Why did he need to think about it for so long? It wasn’t such a hard question. Max looked at him, all serious, almost solemn.
“Yeah, I’d really like that. I would really like to have a brother and I would like it even more if it was you. I like your dad too.”
Rafael grinned, glad and relieved even he hadn’t been (too) worried about his answer.
“Okay. Cool.”
“Yeah. Cool.”
They went back to their drawings until their dads came.
.
Max was waiting for Rafael to finish his own class. Since there weren't so many children at the school they had most of their classes all together, but sometimes they were split too, especially to study specific things. When he practiced magic, Rafael had Shadowhunters training. Rafael liked to train, and he had promised Max he would teach him some things about fighting, since that's what he was good at, but he would have to invite Max over to the Institute and ask his dad. He knew Rafael’s dad didn't really like it when Rafael fought, but Rafael thought it was important. He said he needed to be able to protect his family, and Max agreed. He wanted to protect his too.
He caught sight of the older boy as he was exiting the class with the other Shadowhunter kids. Max stood by the door, hoping Rafael would notice him without having to call his name. He tried to look sure of himself as the others eyed him up. Some were a little hostile but there was no more incident now that he was officially under Rafael’s wing. He would have fought every single one of them if need be, but it was nice not to have to. Rafael had a talent for glaring down at anyone that could stir trouble. The others respected him a great deal, even if some whispered some mean things about his dad that they had heard from their parents.
Max tried to ignore them. Rafael was the one he cared about. Besides, it was important, there was an ongoing crisis that needed to be taken care of.
"Raf!”
“Hey there. You okay?”
“We have a situation,” he said gravely. They went to hide behind the janitor’s room. “The Dads aren’t talking anymore.”
They had gotten to refer to their fathers as the Dads, with a very important capital D, instead of saying “my dad and yours” or something like this. They were very involved in that developing story, and upset to see it disturbed. Rafael nodded.
“I know. My dad has been upset, and very annoying. I can’t bear him when he’s moody, he’s worse than my aunt when she was pregnant. Maybe they had a fight. Maybe my dad said something he shouldn’t have said. My aunt says he’s always eating his foot because he’s an idiot and has no emotional skill. Or something.”
“My dad’s no good either. That’s what Catarina says. She says even I have more eloquence that he does.”
“What’s eloquence?”
“I looked it up. It means when you’re good at talking.”
Rafael looked impressed and Max tried to hide a pleased smile. Rafael was taller and older, and a lot of people liked him, and he was good in class too. It felt special, to be able to impress him. He couldn’t enjoy it as much as he wanted though. He was worried.
“What are we gonna do? If they’re both not good at it they will never talk and Catarina says you have to talk to solve things.”
“I don’t know. Don’t worry though, we’ll figure it out.”
They fell into a troubled silence, racking their brain for a solution to this terrible problem. They had to do something. They had agreed that they both had quite sad dads, who worked too much and never seemed to be very happy, and that their meeting had brought great improvement to that. It was a good thing. And they had agreed to be brothers already. Although this was something Max was bothered about, and he didn’t want to be, so he resolved to ask his question.
“Say Rafael. You know sometimes adults, they stop being friends. It happens.”
“Yeah, I know. But it doesn’t have to now.”
“Yeah but…”
Max took a deep breath. He didn’t like to talk much. It was hard for him, he needed to concentrate, and he always had the feeling that words weren’t good enough to carry the meaning he wanted to, that he didn’t have the right one. That’s why he read a lot and he learnt a lot of words, in hope it would help him express himself better.
He liked that Rafael never fussed or got angry and that he waited for him, he never pressed or asked him to be quicker. Rafael never minded to wait. He was very patient.
“If… it does. If they stay mad at each other. Will you… will you still be my brother?”
He stared at his shoes, waiting for Rafael to answer. Rafael had no problem with words. He was very straightforward, he didn’t hesitate. Every time he spoke he seemed certain of what he said. Max hoped he would be this time too and wasn’t disappointed.
“Of course. Where did you hear that you could stop being brother? That’s not possible. It’s for life.”
Max exhaled a relieved sigh. Rafael shoved him a little, like to say “you’re silly, why are you worried”. It had been silly all right.
“Listen, I have an idea. I know what we have to do,” Rafael said then.
“Really? What?”
“I watched this movie with my aunt the other day. It was pretty boring, but there was this guy and this girl and they had a big fight and they didn’t want to talk to each other anymore, so their friends had to help them.”
“How?”
“Well...”
.
“This is Izzy’s fault. This is all Izzy’s fault and I’m going to kill her.”
“I don’t think you will.”
“I will. I ask her to watch my son one afternoon, and here it leads me. What could she have possibly shown him? One of her stupid rom-coms no doubt.”
“Sure.”
“I can’t believe I fell for the locked-in-a-closet trap. Set by two children under ten. What is it, a cheap romance novel?”
“Who knows.”
Alec finally stopped pacing the small space of the janitor’s room to cast an exasperated look at Magnus who was sitting on an upturned red bucket, polishing his nails without a single care in the world.
“I don’t supposed you’d want to do something about this?” Alec asked, pointing a finger at the locked door of the room.
“Not particularly, no. Max put some wards on the door. Nothing I couldn’t undo of course, but just bothersome enough that I don’t feel like getting on with it just now. Feel free.”
“Rafael took my stele. And this place was made quite secure, even the frigging janitor’s closet. And I don’t feel like breaking a door if I can help it. Can’t you just get us out?”
“Well maybe I don’t want to.”
Alec sighed, annoyed. This wasn’t how he expected his day to go, at all. He had things to do, appointments to uphold, operations to supervise. A son to ground for a hundred years. And Magnus being difficult didn’t help at all.
“Why wouldn’t you want to get out of here?” he asked pointedly.
“Well I’ve been trying to talk to you for days now, but you’ve been terribly busy yeah? At least I have you trapped here now. I believe that was the point actually.”
Alec huffed. He knew very well that was the point, as their sons had said through the door after luring them there and locking them in. What had possessed them though, he had no idea. He was glad they were getting along, but he could have done without a trick like this. And he certainly didn’t want to confront Magnus. Not now, possibly not ever.
“Why would they do that?”
“Do you really have to ask?”
Magnus was getting angry. A good thing – at least he was looking at Alec now.
“Despite what you think, the boys aren’t stupid, nor blind. They can’t have missed that we’ve been spending a lot of time together, and they can’t have missed that we’ve suddenly stopped either.”
Alec wanted to deny it, but Magnus was right, it would be rather insulting. They hadn’t been exactly subtle. They didn’t think there was anything to hide, at least in the beginning.
“Isn’t it a sign you think?” Magnus asked suddenly. When Alec turned to face him he found the man standing right in front of him, staring at him with a stormy expression.
“Of what?”
“Of your son not being so terribly traumatized by this as you thought.”
Alec sighed, upset. As if it was that simple.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Isn’t it? That’s what got you scared yeah? That’s why you pulled away.”
He really didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t answer Magnus’s accusation because he didn’t know himself what had happened. Things were fine and then they weren’t.
“Alec, I have a son too. I understand being cautious and not wanting to upset them, but don’t you think you could have at least talked to him about it? Before telling me that he wouldn’t approve anyway?”
“Magnus…”
“I get along fine with Rafael you know. Max likes him too. I don’t think…”
“It’s not about that okay!”
Magnus frowned. He was flexing his hands by his side, and Alec wondered if Magnus wanted to touch him as badly as he wanted to touch Magnus. How long had it been, a week? Barely more. He couldn’t even recall what they had argued about exactly. What feeble excuse he had given to end things.
Maybe Magnus just refrained from punching him in the face. He would deserve it.
“It’s not… Rafael is probably your number one fan. Soon he’ll like you more than he likes me. I don’t know why I said that, it wasn’t… He wouldn’t mind. I know he wouldn’t.”
“What is it then?” Magnus asked, voice a strange mixture of relief, doubt and anger. Alec turned his back to him and took a few steps away from him. It didn’t ease any of his longing.
“It’s just… It’s… people started talking.”
He had to be honest. He owed him that at least. And maybe if he was… Maybe Magnus would be able to reassure him. Maybe he would tell him all would be well, and Alec would believe him. He desperately wanted to.
“Our community isn’t as appeased at it looks like.”
“Seeing that it doesn’t look appeased at all, I can believe that.”
“I’m under scrutiny. I always am, in every aspect of my life and… We haven’t exactly been discreet. And I don’t mind what they say about me, really, I don’t. I’m used to it by now but…”
“You don’t want it to affect Rafael as well.”
Magnus got closer, enough that Alec felt the ghost of his breath on the nape of his neck, but he didn’t touch him.
“We… were getting… more serious. I think. That’s the impression I got anyway. And it means… It means a lot of things to adjust, and to face. It would affect you too, and Max. I… fuck, I was afraid you wouldn’t put up with it. I’d understand, I really would but…”
As always, he was panicking, and as always Magnus knew. He rested his forehead on the base of his hairlines, his hands on his shoulders, and Alec could breathe again.
“Didn’t occur to you to talk about it, instead of telling me that it was best if we stopped there?”
“I didn’t think talking would solve anything. That’s how things are, they’re not going to change anytime soon.”
“What it changes is you knowing what I really thinks, instead of what your doubts make of it.”
“It’s already so hard, managing it all, I don’t know…”
“And wouldn’t it help, instead of making it worse? You and me, against the world?”
“And the kids too.”
Magnus huffed a quiet laugh and Alec pictured him smiling softly, maybe not looking quite so upset as he had a few minutes earlier.
“That goes without saying.”
But that didn’t, didn’t it? It had to be said, constantly, because it wasn’t just about them, it would never be.
“I’m scared”, he admitted simply, because in the end that all came down to that.
“Of what?”
Alec laughed without joy.
“Everything. That it will be too much for you to bear. That’s you’ll get tired of me, or bored, that your son won’t like me, that mine won’t like you, and will resent me. That it won’t work, and he will resent me too. That we’ll never be left in peace, that he’ll suffer from the prejudices of our kind even more than he does now. To break his heart, to have mine broken too. To die and leave my son alone. Not to have enough time for him, to be as bad a parent as my own parents were. To…”
Magnus’s hands on his face cut his tirade short – a good thing, ‘cause he could have go on forever. Magnus had come to stand in front of him. He had a sad smile on his face, the one you have when you’re powerless to ease the sufferings of another.
“I don’t think I can do anything to ease half of these worries. But I’d like to try anyway, if you’d let me. I’m not going anywhere, but even I can’t predict the future. I just hope you’re willing to try.”
Alec closed his eyes. Was he? He had tried to get away because he didn’t know if he had the strength to add another complication to his already very complicated life. But it appeared that letting it go was even harder. The thing was, he had decided to leave Magnus some space, because…
“You’re the one who pulled out first.”
“What?”
He grabbed Magnus’s hand still framing his face to keep him from getting away.
“You were acting strange, getting distant. I was drowning in doubts so I thought it was… convenient. I figured that you were maybe having second thoughts too. That it would make it easier.”
Magnus pulled back to get away – a few feet away at least, they were still in a very small janitor’s room. Alec almost chased after him, to take his hands back in his and put them back on him, but Magnus looked tense all of the sudden, he figured it wouldn’t be welcomed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Alec couldn’t hold back a derisive snort.
“Yeah, right.”
He regretted his skeptical outburst seeing the angry look on Magnus’s face, but he didn’t want to back down now. It was Magnus’s turn.
“If I have to voice my worst fear and doubts, you have to.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Yeah, right.”
Ah, again. He didn’t mean to, but Magnus could be as frustrating as a child when he didn’t want to talk about something. It raised question as to who was the youngest of them both sometimes.
Magnus could easily feel trapped and he would close off completely or lash out. So Alec chose to ignore him, focusing back on the locked door. He could probably open it by force, but he knew how stupidly strong the whole building was – it had been conceived with exactly that in mind, that it could be used as shelter if there even needed to be. Besides, he didn’t want to break a door. He would probably be the one to have to repair it.
“I’ll open it,” Magnus said, marching toward the door, and no, no way. Alec wasn’t the only one with a heavy mind, and he wouldn’t let Magnus out of there until he knew what his problem was. Magnus almost ran into him when he came to stand against the door, barring his way.
“I thought you wanted to get out,” Magnus accused with a frustrated sigh.
“Now that we’re here let’s make the most of it. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
“You’re bothering me.”
Alec tried not to laugh, and failed. Magnus smiled too, probably realizing how ridiculous he sounded. The tension drained out of his body and he sagged against Alec, head on his shoulder. Alec leant against the closed door to support both their weight.
“Did you finally realize that I was the plainest person in existence?” Alec asked jokingly, with an underlying question that wasn’t a joke at all. Magnus saw right through it.
“Of course not. What I realized is that giving Max a mortal dad was about as dreadful and bound to hurt as getting myself a mortal lover. There, happy?”
Alec sighed and wrapped his arms around Magnus’s form. Why did it have to be like this? Why was it so hard? Couldn’t they have one thing going their way, one thing easy?
“There’s nothing I can do about that,” Alec said regretfully.
“I know.”
“I wish I could. I wish I could spare us all that anguish but…”
“I know, I know.” Magnus raised his head so that their eyes could meet. “Is that all that was troubling you? Nothing else?” he asked, uncertain.
“I guess we’ll have to talk about it some more but… yeah? Why? Is there something else?”
“So it was about your peer’s judgment. And not wanting to hurt Rafael. And fear of getting hurt yourself. And not…”
“Not what?”
“It had nothing to do with me?”
Once the question was asked Magnus ducked his head again, Alec’s gaze seemingly too much to bear. Silence stretched between them while Alec tried to make sense of what Magnus was asking.
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“I know I can be hard to deal with.”
It took another moment for Alec to get it, but to his defense it was so utterly ridiculous that it was normal he hadn’t thought about it. He cursed himself. He hadn’t thought, as always. It was never his intention to make Magnus suffer, and he hadn’t realized how Magnus could interpret it, that he could think there was something wrong with him. As if, as if.
“Magnus,” Alec called softly. The other man kept staring at their joined hand, playing with Alec’s calloused fingers, a habit he had picked up whenever they were close.
“Magnus,” he tried again. The warlock reluctantly crossed his gaze. He was frowning, face angry but eyes sad and shining. Alec brought up their hands to rest them against his chest, so that Magnus would keep his eyes up.
“I… I love you. We wouldn’t be here, if I didn’t. I want us to be together, properly, and I always want to see you. It would all be much easier if I didn’t, but I don’t regret it, I don’t. And that’s why I’m scared, and that’s why I worry. Because I so want to have you close, to tell Rafael, and for us to work. You… You did nothing wrong.You’re… you’re wonderful, ok? I love you.”
It was so obvious to him, so certain, he had trouble imagining Magnus could have doubted it. But he clearly had, because he now looked at Alec like he had just announced he had brought peace to the entire world.
(“Not the whole world, just mine,” he would say to him someday when he recalled that particular moment.)
“I’m sorry I ran away. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you.”
He felt it was very nice to say it, so he did, just a few more times. It was nice largely because it made Magnus smile wider each time, and Alec only stopped because he feared the man would hurt himself. He kissed him instead – that was nice too.
“Let’s… let’s maybe stop worrying, ok? For now?” he asked, hopeful. It had been fear talking, when he had pushed Magnus away, when he had tried to end it. That was as far as possible from what he wanted. Magnus nodded, to his great relief.
“Would you please open the door now;” he pleaded against Magnus’s lips when the handle digging in his back became too uncomfortable to be ignored. Magnus chuckled. He looked radiant, alive with joy and relief, and Alec fell just a little more in love with him.
“You sure? We could make good use of a locked, dark and empty room,” he suggested with a ridiculous wave of his eyebrows.
“I’m sure they’re waiting outside, there’s absolutely no way.”
“I can cast a silence spell you know.”
“Magnus!”
“Alright, alright.”
If he was honest with himself, he could admit the idea was a little tempting, but he knew Magnus enjoyed it when he played the scandalized part, and he was truly concerned their sons were waiting outside for the result of their little scheme. He would still reprimand them – it was no way to treat your parents.
They indulged in some more kissing - it wasn't that often they had such an occasion after all - before Magnus finally agreed to unlock the door. Max and Rafael were nowhere to be seen. They found them playing on Rafael's Gameboy in Luke's office, waiting for their fathers, who were "just running a bit late as usual, it's no problem really, we'll wait". Alec really wanted to scold his son, at least a little, but he found it was impossible when they scrambled to their feet to meet them and ask if they were better now. They looked very proud of themselves - Alec hadn't realized they were genuinely concerned and distressed by his argument with Magnus.
He took the warlock's hand in his and made a point to ignore Luke's knowing face.
"All better. Thank you guys, but please don't do that again."
They made solemn promises. It would do.