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Being Commander meant having blood on his hands. There was never a moment to rest, to mourn, or to ask forgiveness. Yet sometimes, beneath the sea of heavy thoughts, Erwin would take a rest. Almost every Commander he’d known was either dead or retired due to the strain on their health. So even though he’d never rest easy or be free of the worries that plagued him, he tried to look on the bright side every once in a while.
It wasn’t as if he had a choice though. Mike and Haji were always looking out for his well-being, and truly, he was thankful for it. Without them, he would have run himself into the ground by now.
So when Mike knocked at his door that afternoon, he immediately answered him. Mike would always be welcome in his office.
"What a pleasant surprise." He looked up from his stack of paperwork, and managed to give Mike a tired smile.
Mike let out a sigh, and inhaled deeply through his nose. “One of your newer recruits smells sick.”
It didn’t surprise him to hear that. The newest recruits hadn’t been faring as well as he had hoped, but he had faith they would pull through. After all, they were a part of the scouting legion. Not just anyone could join them and survive.
"Which one?" He paused in his writing. Mike had an odd…gift of sorts for smells. He was pretty much a human with the nose of a bloodhound, and Erwin wouldn’t put it past him to single out one cadet’s scent.
Most of the time it was a strange talent, but it had come to his aid more than once. He knew better than to knock it by now.
"Your newest recruit. The…oh what’s his name…the scrapper. The tiny one."
"Levi?" He raised his brow at that.
"Yes! That’s the one."
Levi was their strongest recruit yet. He was small, quick on his feet, and most importantly, ruthless. It had been a long time since he’d seen a soldier with so much promise, but he had no doubt that Levi could be the best. The one thing holding him back was the same trait that gave him strength: his fury. He had so much anger inside of him, but had yet to gain any control over himself. Until he had a leash on that rage, he would continue to be half-cocked; a loose cannon.
Even so, it surprised to him to hear that their brightest had taken ill. “How long has he been sick for?”
"Three days."
“And I take it he hasn’t been to the infirmary.” He actually set his pen down, lost in thought.
Mike shook his head.
"It’s not surprising, I suppose.” He let out a deep sigh, “What a foolhardy young man.” He straightened his papers, and stood up. “Thank you for this information, Mike. I can always count on you.” He clapped an affectionate hand on his shoulder, which his childhood friend returned.
"What are you planning on doing, Erwin?"
"What I must."
Much to his confusion, Mike let out a light laugh at that. “You have a soft spot for him.”
"He’s gifted. He’s worth the extra trouble." He turned his back to him, a move that signified complete and utter trust.
Mike only shook his head, and watched the commander leave. “I’m sure that’s the only reason, Erwin.”
—-
He had one goal: to mold Levi into the perfect soldier. He might not get the chance if Levi died of his own stubbornness though. That’s why Erwin had to intervene. He made his way to the barracks, relieved to find each bed made and empty.
Except for one lonesome cot in the far back, separated from everyone else.
His eyes fell on the small form burrowed underneath the covers, and he instantly knew it was Levi. From the steady rise and fall of the sheets, he assumed he was asleep. He’d have to be careful with how he approached Levi, because scaring him out of a deep sleep could prove to be fatal for Erwin. He’d seen him lose his temper for lesser offenses.
Instead, he made sure to be as loud as possible as to not catch him by surprise. Each footstep was heavier than the last, and eventually Levi began to stir. Slowly the mound rolled over to face him, dark eyes murderous as ever.
It was good to see he still had some fight left in him.
"What the fuck do you want?" He hissed, burying his face further into the blankets. It was hard to find him terrifying when he looked so miserable. His cheeks were hollow, skin sallow, and there were clearly bags under his eyes.
Mike was right.
Before Levi could antagonize him further, he curled up on himself, hands clasped tightly over his abdomen.
So he was having stomach trouble.
Hesitantly, Erwin sat down on the very edge of his cot as far away from Levi as he could. That set Levi off instantly, and he began to thrash about. It would take more than that to kick Erwin out of his space.
"We both know you don’t have the energy to kick me out." Erwin replied coolly, easily subduing his flailing limbs.
"It won’t stop me from biting the shit out of you."
Erwin lurched back off the cot as Levi lunged for him, teeth snapping painfully together in the air. If he had been any closer, he would have been in a world of hurt.
Levi wheezed at the exertion, but had no intent to stop.
"Go to the infirmary."
"I’m not going to let some creepy-ass old dude put his hands all over me. And fuck you. I don’t have to do a damn thing you ask."
So that’s how it was going to be.
Erwin, who was now standing, shifted his position a bit. Levi was small of stature to begin with, but the distance between the two was even greater now. He used it to his advantage.
He crossed his arms behind his back, assuming the classic military stance. “I am your Commander. You obey my orders. Nothing else—”
Levi bared his teeth, but made no movement. “Come closer so I can bite your hand off. I dare you.”
Erwin raised a hand to silence him. “—but I don’t want to force you to follow me.” He looked down at him then, “If you won’t let the medic see to you, then I will. Those are your choices.” He made an attempt to sit down on the edge of the cot again. “Hurting you is not my intention.”
The younger man clearly bristled at the contact, but he made no sudden movements. Instead he sat there; face carefully blank while the fire in his eyes raged.
Erwin had his permission to stay it seemed. For now.
"Will you let me help you, Levi?"
He made no effort to respond. Instead he slowly laid back down, his gaze unwavering and fixated on Erwin.
That was as much consent as he’d ever get. Levi must have been desperate.
The recruit curled back into the fetal position, arms wrapped protectively around his midsection. Careful as not to startle him again, Erwin slowly reached over to feel his forehead. It was cool to the touch, which was a good sign.
"Do you come and mother all the recruits?" He smirked, drunk off how tightly he had Erwin wrapped around his finger.
"No."
"So just me then, huh? What an honor." There was no mistaking the dripping sarcasm in his voice.
Erwin decided to just flat out ignore him. “I take it your stomach is the source of the trouble.”
At the mere mention of his stomach, Levi narrowed his eyes and curled up tighter on himself. Yet he remained tight lipped.
So he was right.
"Levi." He let out an exasperated sigh, "It’s either me or the doctor, remember?"
"Yeah, but you’re not much better. You’re still fucking creepy."
"Stop acting like a bratty child, and uncover."
"Definitely pandering into the creeper territory." Yet much to his surprise, Levi listened to him.
Slowly, he pulled down the covers to reveal a slightly swollen abdomen. Erwin tried not to wince at just how scrawny his recruit was, but it showed through anyways. Levi frowned at him, “By all means, continue to gawk. Rude.”
It was hard not to stare. His skin was pulled so tightly over his ribs, and yet he was nothing but solid muscle and bone. Life on the streets had not been good to Levi.
"May I?"
"Fuck no, but you’re going to anyways."
Gently, Erwin pressed a hand against his stomach. It was taut.
Instantly Levi pulled away with a snarl, arms latched around himself once again. “Ow, fuck! Why did you press, you bastard!”
"I needed to see how tender it was. Apparently it’s very tender…"
"No shit it's tender!”
Against his better judgment, he let out an amused snort.
This only added fuel to the fire. “If you’re going to laugh at me you can just leave.”
"I’m not leaving until I find out what’s wrong with you."
Levi snorted, “We’re going to be here for a while then. Hope you don’t die of old age, pops.”
If anything was going to die, it was going to be Erwin’s patience. He had more piled up on his plate than usual, and the last thing he needed was a tongue lashing from this brat. He was still one of his men though, and he would do right by him, regardless of how Levi treated him. On the upside, Erwin felt he was making progress with him. Slow, painful progress, but progress none the less. Erwin may not have been his ally yet, but he was at least the devil he knew.
For now, he’d take it. After all, he was used to hollow victories by now.
He waited patiently for Levi to drop his guard. It took some time, but he finally lowered his arms again. Erwin made sure to be gentler this time as he prodded and poked. From what he observed, it appeared that his abdomen was slightly distended. Not so much that it was of immediate concern, but it did give him an idea as to what the root of the trouble was.
"How much have you been eating?"
Levi was quiet.
"You’ve been eating everything in sight, haven’t you?"
"Of course. I mean, I don’t know when I’ll get fed in this dump, and with all the those shit-head cadets I don’t want them stealing my food…So I kind of have to…right? "
Old habits die hard, apparently. Levi was probably used to scarfing down any scrap he could find before anyone else saw what he had. The problem was that he was eating too much, too fast.
Erwin let out a sigh of relief. “I have something that might help.”
Levi raised a skeptical eyebrow at him.
"My mother used to do this when my stomach hurt. Better than any medicine, and a family secret."
He hesitated a moment. What his mother did for him was embarrassing, but it had always helped. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? So he reached over, careful to make his touch light as possible, slowly began to rub his belly.
At first, Levi reacted with utter horror. His eyes were wide, and he began to scramble away from his touch. Moving made him hurt, which made him feel even worse so he eventually stopped flopping around, resigned to his fate.
The longer Erwin rubbed his belly, the more Levi seemed to relax. He was far from being boneless, but the raging inferno had died down to a faint smolder. In fact, he almost seemed to enjoy it. Not that his expression gave any indication of it, for the mask of calm was just as thick as ever.
Erwin finally allowed himself to let out the breath he’d been holding. Levi would make it out of the woods alright, as soon as he stopped gorging himself and slowed down a little. He’d been so concerned over something so insignificant. He hadn’t realized it, but an amused huff had escaped from him.
"What’s so funny?" Levi asked, tilting his head back slightly to look at him. His eyes were beginning to droop with sleep, despite his discomfort.
"Nothing."
He rolled back over. “You’re so damn weird.”
"I’m fairly sure your fellow cadets say the same thing about you."
"Whatever." He finally shut his eyes before scooting closer to Erwin and his hands. "So…are your parents still alive or something?"
That made him still a moment. It had been years since he’d thought of his parents, and his life before the scouting legion. Sometimes it felt like the military had been his entire life. It may as well been, as far as Erwin was concerned. The life he had with his parents had been such a long time ago, it may as well not have existed at all.
He could feel Levi’s gaze intensify the longer he waited. He’d taken too long to answer.
"It doesn’t matter. That was a lifetime ago."
Again, Levi was quiet with a raised eyebrow. “Damn, Erwin. You’re as cold as they say. No wonder why so many of your troops die.”
He realized that Levi was purposefully making a jab at him, probably trying to rile him up. To let his men be used against him would be a betrayal of their confidence. In the end it didn’t matter what people thought of him, but he would not have his men be used in such a way. It was dishonorable and disrespectful to their good names.
Still, he had to admire Levi for trying to go after him.
"I am ruthless. I make no intention of appearing otherwise." He continued to idly rub his belly, watching his captive’s eyelids droop further and further. "I’m sure that’s a trait you can sympathize with."
"I think you’re bat-shit crazy, but I don’t have much of a choice but to take orders from you, huh?" He nudged himself a bit closer. As if Erwin wouldn’t notice.
"You always have a choice. It may be the difference between a rock and a hard place, but it’s still yours alone to make." It was a hard truth to swallow, and it was one that Erwin was painfully familiar with. As Commander he had to put his own ideals aside for the bigger picture. He’d done it so often it became the only thing that mattered. He was a cog in a well-oiled machine that functioned solely for humanity’s sake. Nothing more.
They were all replaceable, and the outcome of his choices had taught him that. The death reports on his desk suddenly weighed on his mind. They were the outcome of all the tough calls he had to make, but what was worse was that he knew each casualty by name.
How heavy the burden of knowledge was.
He hadn’t realized how quiet he’d been as he gathered his thoughts. Not once had Levi’s gaze wavered from his somber form.
"So I have a choice, huh?" He drummed his fingers absently on his knee.
Erwin nodded. “I realize it may not seem like it, but you’ve always had options. You just didn’t know it.”
"Really. I’m pretty sure joining your shitty legion wasn’t much of a choice."
"Sure it was. It was just an easy decision. Die now, or die later."
Levi let out an amused snort, “You have a pretty sick sense of humor, you know that?”
"I’ll take that as a compliment." He finally cracked a small smile. "Things are going to be different than how they were on the streets, Levi. You need to start adjusting. It’ll make your life easier. For instance, you don’t have to gobble up your food so fast…it will make your stomach stop hurting if you just slow down. You also won’t over eat. If you don’t eat all your food it’s not going to magically disappear."
"But the other cadets…I’m not giving those fuckers a chance to get the jump on me."
"I doubt anyone can get the jump on you, Levi." He chuckled softly, "But that doesn’t mean I’m giving you permission to beat other recruits to a bloody pulp either, so don’t even think about trying it."
Erwin had tried to ignore it, but Levi had been inching closer and closer to him. They were so close now that he could feel the warmth radiating off of the his skin.
"Hm. True." He didn’t sound completely convinced however, as he shamelessly laid his head in the commander’s lap.
If Erwin was smart, he would continue on without making a comment. Levi was trying his best to pass the action off as casual, but there was a deer-in-the-headlights quality to his stare. Apparently he responded well to touch. Not something he would have expected from the unruly soldier.
He just threaded his fingers through his hair instead. It was strange to feel the young man sprawled out over him lean into his touch, but he did, slowly but surely. With every day that passed he learned something new about Levi. One day, he hoped to actually know him and call the young cadet friend.
But for now, he would settle on being reluctant allies.
"It may seem strange, but the soldiers around you are your family now. We take care of one another. Cherish the moments you have with them now, because they will meet their deaths in droves."
"Wow, shitty pep talk. You done yet?" He rolled over, shutting his eyes as Erwin toyed with his hair.
Perhaps he did have a soft spot for him after all.
"Just…don’t eat as fast, alright? You’ll have plenty of other chances to die."
"Way to end on a high note. Not.”
There was little that could be helped. Levi was an unpleasant person that for some godforsaken reason Erwin was fond of. Still, he’d stayed too long. Levi would recover, and he said his piece. There was a mound of paperwork waiting to be sorted through, and he couldn’t neglect his duties any longer. He started to move when a hand jerked back down. “Did I say you could leave yet, swine?”
"You know I have more important things to do than pamper you, right?"
Levi shrugged apathetically, returning to his previous position.
Erwin let out a shaky laugh. Levi wasn’t going to give him the chance to argue. So he gave in, leaned back and ran an idle hand through his hair once more. Apparently that wasn’t good enough, because Levi stubbornly forced his hand back down to his stomach. He let out a chuckle, and complied with his wishes.
It was nice having a moment to catch his breath. He forgot about his upcoming evaluation, his office, and the most recent string of crippling losses. For the time being, he was focused on the quiet inhale and exhale of breath in the silence.
He looked down, surprised to see Levi finally still and breathing softly. So he’d fallen asleep, after all that talk. Erwin gently slid out from underneath his sleeping form, and pulled the covers over him. It didn’t look like it was a restful sleep, but at least he didn’t look like he was in pain anymore.
Erwin edged his way over to the door, taking one last look behind him.
Levi had turned over to face him, eyes fluttering briefly in a dream-like haze. “I..I can see why…they… follow you.”
It was just a soft grumbling in his sleep, but Erwin had heard it none the less.
He swallowed hard, unable to move from the doorway. The words hung heavy in the air, and he found himself leaning against the frame for support. Coming into office, Erwin knew being Commander would be a thankless, grueling job. He accepted it with open arms, and made the best of it. Erwin was good at what he did, regardless of what military court said. He had little doubt in his abilities, and firmly believed in every call he made. He couldn’t be anything less than one hundred percent sure, because he owed his men that confidence.
Yet something about the way Levi said it made him take a step back. Erwin heard the same good faith he had for his soldiers being echoed back to him and his abilities.
He rubbed his eyes, willing himself the strength to walk down the hallway and back to his office.
He made a mental note to thank Mike later.