Chapter Text
"Carry me away from here and teach me to be strong
This is my own escape
It's not where we were promised to be
I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness"
Chapter One
After Clay had been dragged away by the cops Juice had returned to the clubhouse. When he walked in he was honestly surprised to see most of the members drinking and partying as usual.
He envied them, wishing that moving on could be so easy for him.
He didn't bother trying to talk to anyone, just shut himself up in the room he'd claimed as his own. After that became unbearably lonely he decided to seek out Chibs.
But now he was standing outside the club house, and looking into the eyes that made him regret nearly every decision he had ever made.
He glared at him. The amount of emotion coursing through his body made his head spin. He looked at a person he had trusted, and there was nothing but a cold hate left.
Because he was looking to the cold eyes of someone he had once considered a father figure, and was met with nothing but darkness. It made his heart ache, and his fists tremble at his sides.
"I know I fucked up man," He tried to calm down, but his heart beat thundered in his ears, "But atleast I came clean about it. I thought out of everyone, you would have understood." Chibs shook his head, breaking the eye contact that had nearly taken the breath from his lungs.
"You never came clean to me," The words were ice cold, "You should have told me about everything but you choose not to. I don't even want to look at you anymore laddie." And he wasn't. And maybe that was what hurt more. He was standing here, completely emotional and exposed, and all he wanted was for those comforting words to come back.
To be held like a child, and told that he would be fine, and that he was forgiven.
But all he received from Chibs was a look that told him he was so disappointed with him that things would never be the same. The same cold shoulder he felt from everyone now. Everyone except Jax, who only appreciated him because his debt made him useful.
It was so disappointing. That everything had turned out this way. He'd fought so hard to stay a part of this club because they were the only family he had. Now he was back in, but that warmth and family aspect was completely gone.
Almost made him feel like it wasn't worth it. He'd given up the only person that had still cared for him, for a group of people that would never get over the bad decisions he had made in the past.
Never.
"I had no fucking choice. I did what I did to protect the club. I never wanted to see anyone get hurt." He took one step forward, body blazing with frustration. Why would no one hear him out? Clay had told him almost everyone at that table had turned once. So why was he so different? Why was he so undeserving of forgiveness?
"You know when you kicked me out of Clay's house that night it was about the most painful thi-" Chib's stood up suddenly.
"I don't care! Caring bout your feelins was something I should ave never got involved in! You know why I did?" He took a step towards him, and Juice told one step back. He had not expected to be met with so much anger. In fact, he really didn't know what he had expected in this situation.
He'd tried so hard to bury that part of him that craved the support he'd received from Chibs before. But it was still deep inside him, practically begging for the understanding he knew the older man was capable of.
When did everything become so cold?
"I know you've got no family. I felt sorry for you. Tried to be there for you. But I gave you so many times to come clean to me. You chose not to. Did you really think no one would figure it out? That's exactly why you don't talk to the feds! Someone will always find out! I thought you were smarter than that?"
He hung his head. Face burning with shame, feeling hot tears stinging his eye. Because Chibs was right. He should have been smarter. But did he really have a choice? He struggled with that notion every waking moment of each day…he had never seen a way out…
"There was no way out for me," He yelled back at him, "So what ,since I don't have a loving family and kids I'm never going to be accepted again? You know Jax did the same damn thing and everyone acts like it never even happened!" The words just spilled out of his mouth, ugly, he knew, but he was so beyond being hurt. The betrayal was unbearable.
Suddenly his world began to spin. His felt the burning sting of Chib's fist colliding with his face and he was knocked to the ground. He fell on his shoulder, body crashing painfully unto the pavement. He cursed.
"Don't ye ever talk about our pres like that!" Chibs was standing over him, fist trembling at his side, eyes overwhelming full of hate. He looked up at him, and couldn't help but feel so helpless. Because all he wanted was that man who had comforted him so ago. He reached out to him. Only to be met with a harsh kick in his side.
"You're a fuckin traitor. That's somethin I'll never forget!" He spat in his face as the boy cringed from the pain now coursing through his side.
Something inside Juice snapped.
All those feelings of betrayal and pain, were just fuel for the flames. His felt like his heart was going to burst in his chest, and suddenly nothing mattered anymore. Adrenaline burned in his veins as he forced himself to his feet and lunged at Chibs.
The only thing he felt as his fist slammed into Chib's stomach, was anger. Anger at so many people. Because everyone he had ever put his faith in had proved they were not to be trusted.
Men. They did nothing but hurt him. His father had never even tried to be there for him. Clay had been the closest thing to a father he was ever going to have, and even he was no saint. Chibs, who had shown him so much love and care before, had completely shut him out.
It wasn't fair.
He felt the older man fighting back. So many emotions swarmed through his head as he tried to overpower him and beat all of his rage into the person in front of him.
He screamed at him. Words he wasn't even sure he truly understood, but he was sure they were horrible. Sure he was pushing himself farther into a hole he could never get out of. But at the moment that hardly mattered anymore.
Right now there was not a rational thought running through his head, just an intense desire to inflict pain similar to that of what he had been feeling all of this time.
"Don't you dare stand there and act like you're better than anyone!" He yelled at him, and swung his fist at his head. He missed though, underestimating how sharp his reflexes were.
For every blow he got in, Chibs hit him back harder, pushing him back. They continued like this for awhile. Exchanging blows, yelling at each other. Their voices cutting through the silence of the night around them.
He would never understand how it came to be like this. The mere thought of it almost brought tears to his eyes. Because it was never supposed to turn out like this. He was never supposed to hurt his brothers.
But they were never supposed to betray him either.
And then there came the rain. Pouring down over him, turning his skin cold. It didn't wash away the pain, or the frustration. They just glared at each other. Both with burning muscles and bleeding wounds. Both tired of the sight of the other.
"I am beyond tired of being treated like I did something wrong. I fixed everything. You have no right to look at me like that." His voice cracked a little bit, and he cursed himself for sounding so weak.
"I can look it you however I want laddie," Chibs glared at him, gaining his composure, straightening his back, eyes always judging him.
"No, fuck that man." The words started spilling out, and once they started there was no way to control himself, "I fucked up. We all do it. You used to be there. It's really fucked up that one day I turn around and you're totally against me and shit. After all the times you kept me going. It feels so fucking shitty. I know I hurt everyone. I get that. But I thought out of everyone I would still have your support. I would have done anything for you, for this club…"
He drew in air, but it burned in his lungs. He hated the way it felt. He could barely see the other man over the sheets of heavy rain surrounding them. His voice was practically being drowned out by the sound of the rain colliding with the bloody concrete.
He felt powerless. Because he knew that no matter what he did that trust was gone. He'd broken everything, and now he couldn't even pick up the pieces. None remained.
Suddenly his back hit something cold and hard, and he realized that Chibs had managed to back him up against one of the doors of the garage. The older man lunged forward, pushing him against the door. He pinned him with his arm over his neck, feeling the boy squirm in his grasp.
Thunder boomed in the distance. And for so long they just stood there, staring at each with dark eyes. Both with aching bodies and heavy breaths.
"I lost the only thing I had left today," his voice grew quiet, "I gave that up for the sake of this club. I don't regret it. I don't regret not telling you either. Because I know now that you would have never understood what I was going through."
His words were followed by silence, and he knew he couldn't hold it in anymore. He let himself go, let the tears mix with the rain on his cheeks. Everything hurt. It overwhelmed him.
He broke down in front of Chibs, his body crumbling against the garage door. He couldn't deny that he was going to miss Clay, and it was becoming clear that he was never going to find that in another person. He had begged to find it here…but that warmth seemed unreachable.
Chibs raised his fist to strike, and Juice closed his eyes, no longer having the strength to fight back. But the blow never came. In fact his body jumped as he heard the boom of the garage door being hit. His eyes snapped open, and he saw Chib's trembling fist next to his face. He removed it, leaving a dark dent in the flimsy metal of the door.
He placed a hand on the boys shoulder. Trying his best to calm down.
Suddenly he was overwhelmed by a feeling of warmth. Warmth that melted away the chill of the rain that was soaking through his being. He felt his body relax, and beg to be lost in it. Lost in a comfort he was sure he was constructing in his own mind. Because he was sure Chibs was beyond holding any feelings for him now.
Despite the way his heart burned when he looked at the figure in front of him, he was sure he would never return those feelings.
"Dammit," He heard Chibs whisper above the drowning thunder of the rain, and suddenly he could feel arms around him. The older man placed his arms over his shoulders, and he could feel his sticky, hot forehead against the cool skin of his own. His eyes stayed closed, unable to meet the gaze he was sure was filled with disappointment.
Chibs let out a long sigh; Juice could feel his warm breath on his face.
They stayed like that for awhile, both exhausted, and not knowing what to say to the other. But the more he felt that warm body against his own, the more he yearned to be closer to him.
It was at this moment that his feelings became clearer to him. All of his anger towards Chibs suddenly made so much sense…because all he had wanted was him. And everything that came with that.
His mind stopped working, and his heart was pounding in his head. He knew what he wanted.
So he turned his head, quickly, and pressed his lips against those of the other man. His eyes closed, and for a moment the aching of his heart and the throbbing of his head ceased. For a split second all the pain he had been feeling was replaced by nothing but calm.
But he realized all too late that he should have never made that move. He could feel the body next to his react with so much panic. Chibs stumbled backwards, arms shoving against the boy's shoulders, trying to put distance between them.
He stared at him, eyes wide.
Something in his heart felt like it had just shattered into a million pieces.
"I- I'm" Juice was speechless.
Chibs was confused. His face burned red. And he wanted nothing more than to escape. Because this was wrong.
"You're confused Juicey. Things are never going to be like that. You decided that when you never came to me. This is you're fault! I was there. I'm not now. You can't just come back and expect everythin to be fine! Just cus you handed Clay over doesn't mean anything is fixed with us. I don't care what happens to you anymore. Just looking at your face disgusts me!" He spit out the words, knowing all too well that they were crushing the person before him.
So he stormed off. Because he couldn't stand that stricken look on Juice's face, or how pained it made his heart feel.
"Fuck!" He cursed, leaving the boy behind in the pouring rain. Never looking back, because he already knew the look on Juice's face. Those teary eyes begging for help, compassion…something he knew he'd never received as a child. Which only made him more guilty.
But he wasn't sure he even knew how to help. Not without getting so involved. And if he did that then all of that boys pain would become his own.
It was just too much to take on.
It was easier to run away.