Chapter Text
The fallout was wonderful, beautiful chaos.
It started with such a simple little outing, a date at one of Alastor's personal favorite dives- someplace small with good music and booze and a crowd that respected Alastor’s presence but didn't immediately flee from it.
Of course Alastor and Lucifer, together, was understandably a different case.
They simply enjoyed a night of proper dancing, more or less ignoring the gawking onlookers who were checking their drinks because obviously being drugged was the most likely explanation. People ran, people tried- and most often failed- to take pictures or record them, people poured glasses down drains and chugged them in excess. It was all thoroughly entertaining.
It took just over a week for the whole city to be abuzz with the are they aren't they mystery, their subsequent dates only fueling the flames.
Tonight they had stayed in, nestled away in Lucifer's room near the windows that overlooked their kingdom. Lucifer was curled up in Alastor’s lap while the taller demon held the day's paper around him. He couldn't help but snicker at the latest headline about them.
“‘The Secret to the King’s Return? Will Lucifer’s Love for One Sinner Save us All?’ Wow. That's… is this an article or a bad romance novel?”
“Given the quality of reporting in this town? Regrettably both I'd imagine.” Alastor answered dryly. “But look on the bright side! It seems our dear Charlie has been all but forgotten for the time being- so at least she won't have to deal with any harassment from the press.”
Lucifer smiled. “Yeah. She deserves a break- and the hotel is doing alright now.” He agreed. “The timing really was a coincidence, but they're really running away with the whole me showing up after you went down angle.”
Alastor made an annoyed hum. “It would be less of a nuisance if they weren't trying to paint me like some helpless damsel. ” He all but hissed. Lucifer bit his lip to keep himself from laughing.
“Well hey, at least you won't have to deal with anything like that again anytime soon- not with the amount of my blood you've been downing. Don't think someone on Adam’s level is gonna be a problem for you anymore.”
Alastor glanced down at the man in his lap at that, eyeing the flesh around his collar. “You should know better than to tempt me, Lucifer.”
The angel snorted. “Glutton. No way- I'm comfy right where I am and I'm not moving. You can get your fix later.” he teased. Alastor sighed dramatically, like it was all a massive inconvenience for him.
“Always so demanding! Well, if that is what His Majesty desires then far be it from me to deny him.” He teased. Lucifer laughed.
“That's right Bambi. As your King I command you to serve a severe sentence of pillow duty.” He joked back, cuddling up closer.
“How horrendously tragic for me.” Alastor answered in deadpan. Lucifer laughed again.
Everything was going according to plan, and things were good.
–
Nothing was going according to plan and everything was terrible.
Vox glared at the monitor in front of him, fingers clawing over the screen and leaving gashes in the glass just shallow enough not to shatter the image beneath.
Which of course was of Alastor and Lucifer, the latter looking absolutely smitten as he danced with the staticy, glitched out image of the Radio Demon himself.
“If you keep doing that you're going to break another one~” Valentino sang from the couch. Vox started.
“I KNOW!” he caught himself, taking a deep breath and trying to regain his composure. “Aha, I know Val. But you don't get it, that FUCKING-”
Vox turned back to his screens and took a step back, gesturing at every image and video clip he had compiled of Hell's apparent new hottest couple there was to find on the internet.
“Can you BELIEVE him!?” He leaned back in a mock swoon as he began his impression of Alastor, “‘Oh no Vox! My innocent virgin deer body cannot be tainted by the Touch of Another Man! You just have to understand! I’m just a Good Southern Boy, It's not personal ’- the FUCK ITS NOT PERSONAL YOU SHITTY LYING DEVIL DICK SUCKING LITTLE BITCH !”
Valentino looked at Velvette.
Velvette looked back and mouthed ‘pissbaby’.
Valentino snickered quietly, but quickly schooled himself when Vox turned back to face them.
“Look on the bright side! At least it's obvious the only reason he put out was for a power grab-” he tried to reassure. It did not help.
“I have power! I have PLENTY OF POWER! Just what the hell about that good for nothing, sniveling crybaby of a king is better than me!?” He asked.
Everyone ignored the obvious answers.
“Probably more like he’s using the sap as his personal divine juice box.” Velvette supplied, not looking up from her phone. She was currently wondering if Vox and Adam should start a ‘cucked by Lucifer' support group. Shame she couldn't tweet that, really.
Vox continued to seeth, turning back to his spread of images as his algorithm continued to add more as they popped up. In one Alastor’s expression was surprisingly clear despite the noise and glitching around him.
He looked…
Happy.
Vox’s darkened to something outright cruel .
“...Well, we’ll see how long little Lucifer sticks around when he realizes just how shrewd his shitty rebound actually is. Like that slutty little virgin could actually pull off something like this .”
“Well, assuming he still is a-”
“ THAT ASS IS MINE!” Vox snapped at Valentino’s unhelpful interjection. He cleared his throat immediately after and tried to pretend he hadn't been throwing Hell's pettiest tantrum for the past several hours.
“I think it's time we get to work.”
–
On a seemingly unassuming night at the hotel, Angel and Husk were crowded around the former's phone, watching the video feed it played with the awe and rapture one directs at a train wreck.
“Why are you even watching this shit? You of all people know everything that comes outta that fucker's mouth is some overly scripted PR garbage.”
“Look, if I'm gonna have to deal with Val bitchin his ass off about his shitty sugar daddy ignoring him for unrequited deer dick, you bet your ass I'm gonna enjoy watchin flat face make a public ass out of himself.” Angel countered.
“I mean, I hear you, but…” Husk grimaced at the phone.
It was just… messy , watching the news cycle speculate on whatever the fuck was happening between the Radio Demon and King of Hell. Husk had known Alastor a long time- he was pretty sure there was something going on with Lucifer at this point, but he was entirely sure whatever it was wasn't just Al going out of his way to exploit it to cause problems on purpose. Sure, in the past anything even remotely relationshipy had squicked the guy out too much for him to let fly, but it was obvious at this point he’d decided Lucifer was an exception in one form or another. It might still just be in terms of clout from allegedly courting the Literal Devil , it might be something more than that. He didn't know, and really the only reason he cared was in the capacity that it affected him and his friends so directly.
Charlie has been handling things well enough at least- she had spent her whole life in the spotlight, so she had to be used to it, but… still. Hearing people drag her dad through the mud must have been…
“Really it's just sad ,” Vox's voice said through the phone speakers, “Watching Lucifer get played by something so obvious because he’s that desperate after being dumped by hell’s biggest beauty. Honestly it says a lot about the ‘Big Scary Radio Demon' that he had to resort to whoring himself out to that sad sack of feathers to be taken seriously at all anymore!”
“God what a messy bitch.” Angel groaned.
“Couldn't agree more, my dear!”
Angel and Husk both jumped a foot in the air, Angel juggling his phone to try to stop it from clattering to the ground. Alastor grinned beside them. The air around him was conspicuously quiet and without the humming of his usual static, but his voice has been so laden with it the shrill of radio feedback threatened to drown out the words entirely.
“ FUCK ! Smiles! Heeeey, uh, look- this is just-”
“Oh no, by all means, far be it from me to stop you from keeping up with current events.” Alastor interrupted, ignoring the obvious fear from the other two. Granted while Husker’s was very understandably for his life, Angel’s seemed to be more rooted in embarrassment. “Is this live? If not I don't suppose I could bother you to take things from the top?”
Angel glanced nervously at Husk. “Uhhhh… you… want to watch the flat screen shit talk you? I mean, I'm watching it because Val getting cucked by the fucker being delusion is hilarious but…” He asked a bit incredulously.
“Given the amount of wayward sinners who might take things a bit too seriously I think it would behoove me to know what exactly those delusions are, don't you agree?”
After all, on a good day he could quite agree Vox throwing a tantrum was hilarious, but given the snippet he had overheard… it was just to be sure he knew what he was dealing with, exactly.
Husk chewed his lip and chanced saying, “Boss, I don't really think that's a good-”
“ I didn't ask you, Husker. ” Alastor's voice screeched with high pitched frequencies that caused the others to flinch once more. Angel just… scrubbed the clip back to the beginning and hit play.
“Top of the hour and we’re here to bring you the latest in Hell’s new favorite subject: the apparent love affair of the head honcho himself. Looks like after the past century he’s finally traded denial for desperation! Mr. High and Mighty stooping to getting dick from a lowly sinner- and I mean low . Because let's face it- the Radio Demon’s never bothered to make time for romance before. But now that pathetic attempt at trying to make himself out to be ‘above’ the simple pleasures of life has come crumbling down- did he really think people wouldn't realize what he was doing? How fast he was willing to bend over and offer his flat virgin ass for a quick power grab- probably the only reason he was even spending time with Lucifer’s delusional daughter in the first place! The only thing that's more pathetic is that the Devil actually fell for it. Or, you know, is actually just that thirsty for a fucking- but hey, maybe I'm not giving him enough credit, maybe he just went for deer ass because the Radio Demon was one of three virgins actually down here, maybe fallen angels just have standards like that. Can't imagine it's a good time given how bad they both must-”
It was at this point Angel’s phone spontaneously combusted. Well, not exactly spontaneously- rather specifically because the speakers blew out after picking up Al’s frequencies.
“What the fuck, Smiles!”
“I told you not to watch-” Husk’s admonishment was cut short by more unholy radio feedback. The sight of Alastor's antler branched out and mouth dripping did not instill him with any confidence.
But then, abruptly, Alastor retracted it all, like the whole thing was some kind of unsightly Eldritch sneeze. He was unsettlingly collected.
“My! How unbecoming! Worry not Angel, I'll see to it you’ll have a fitting replacement. But first, I have a broadcast to run .” The static picked back up in his voice at the end, the motion of him turning on his heel actually cracking the floor beneath it. Both of the other demons winced.
Once Al disappeared Angel finally spoke up. “Sooo… should we try to stop him or…?”
Because it was, unfortunately, extremely obvious the guy was just gonna go fire back with something equally petty and stupid. Just like every other time he caught Vox trash talking him on TV. Husk sighed.
“He’s the one who asked. If he makes an ass out of himself that's his own damn fault. I'm not losing limbs over Alastor’s pissing contest.”
“Yeah that’s fair.”
–
Alastor sat gingerly at his recording booth, his anger running both hot and cold in his veins. Vox always had to stick his nose in things and run his mouth. Not that he hadn't expected it- of, of course he had. It wasn't surprising , but it was still- unacceptable . Especially given the fact the flat faced bastard was scraping far closer to events between them than he had ever dared to before. Making such petty mockeries of his asexuality, and accusing him of-
Of the exact thing he had honestly attempted in the beginning, really.
The reason the words cut so deep was because he knew they were true, far more so than Vox ever would. He had lowered himself to petty attempts at seduction in exchange for power and status. But Alastor absolutely refused to acknowledge that.
The red on air light flicked on beside him.
“Good evening listeners! While watching your curiosity at the current state of affairs bubble over has been quite the treat, I do believe it's time to clear the air once and for all-”
–
On the other side of the hotel, in his room, Lucifer was toiling away at his workbench. He had taken to keeping a small radio tuned to Alastor's show since- well, really before they were actually dating if he was being honest, but he didn't bother hiding it anymore. He smiled fondly as the sound of Al’s tinny voice spilled from the tiny thing-
For all of two seconds, eyes going wide once Al stated the purpose of this particular broadcast.
They had very much not discussed this.
Alastor’s broadcast continued,
“The nature of mine and dear Lucifer’s relationship has been the subject of no small amount of scrutiny. Understandably so, given the King’s throne has stood beside an empty one for some time now. Rest assured, nothing is as complex or elaborate as the tales that have been spun in the past weeks- the truth is quite straightforward! We are quite intimately involved- our romance has been something of a long and proper courting, far more boring than I'm sure you all would have hoped. But is that really so surprising? Why, one of the things we have found to have in common is our old fashioned natures! The tale of two old men settling down is much less exciting than anything you've imagined. Although that should be something which you should be glad for- dearest Lucifer is still our King after all, so I do hope you find comfort in our newfound… stability . Not only has he seen fit to once again sit up on his own throne which has been so woefully left unattended, but the one beside it no longer remains dubiously vacant. Which is to say- the next time you think to give credence to the ravings of self soliciting muckrakers remember that not only is the Radio Demon far more dedicated to proper newswork, but he is now your Regent and will no longer stand for this precedent of brazen disrespect against the monarchy. ”
Lucifer bit his lip, staring wide eyed somewhere at the middle distance as he listened to Alastor speak. That was- aha, just from the way his voice sounded at the end he could tell that Al was probably hunched over his desk all voodoo glow and branching antlers. It was… actually a kind of sick fucked up romantic, knowing in the end Alastor couldn't handle people badmouthing them and then publicly describing their relationship in a surprisingly sweet but also violently threatening way. But no- no no- that was not the appropriate reaction to this. Focus Lucifer! You have to deal with the fact your stupid boyfriend just declared some kind of sovereignty over Hell with literally no warning.
Bothering Alastor while he was in his studio- on air or not- was a very big nono. But… well, so is just saying fuck it to the plan you came up with together and abruptly announcing shit on your radio show! He would just… quietly teleport in and wait for Al to switch to some music so they could talk…
Which was exactly what Lucifer did- with a sigh he portaled himself across the hotel, appearing just on the other side of the door to the recording booth. He didn't say anything, just offered Alastor a tiny wave and apologetic smile as the demon glanced over his shoulder upon his arrival. The Radio Demon gave him something of a strained look for a moment, but it evened out quickly enough.
And that was when things stopped going as expected.
“Well! Speak of the Devil and he shall appear, as they say! If you won't take my word, why not take those of Lucifer himself~”
At which point Alastor beckoned him closer and offered him his mic. Lucifer, unsurprisingly, panicked.
Well, it wasn't like walking away was an option now .
“Uh, aha, hi. Hi folks! I uh, don't really know what else there is to say. Al already said it all- we're dating and it is pretty much exactly what you see when we go out. It's, you know, it's a serious thing we got going so, you should take this all seriously .”
Lucifer wasn't exactly a stranger to public speaking- he was a showman at heart after all, but it had… been a while. Having a mic just shoved at him with no warning had made him awkward to start but now that the ball had gotten rolling? Maybe getting to speak to his subjects all at once was something he had missed more than he thought.
Also, also there was the way Alastor was looking at him right now. It was doing things to him.
“Actually while I have your attention let's just make a few more things clear. Charlie is doing perfectly fine with all this- she's a grown up now after all- but she definitely doesn't know any special secrets about our love life so don't fucking ask her . I'm all for freedom of the press, don't get me wrong, but the next assfactory who calls Al any synonym for prostitute is getting burned to the fucking ground. Not that he can't take care of himself- but it pisses me off. Like- do you realize how stupid those ‘just using me for power' headlines are? There is literally no one down here on my level- there's literally no one I could date people wouldn't assume that about! I’m not an idiot! I can personally assure you that Alastor is more than qualified- between him and Charlie things are finally starting to look up around here! I mean, yeah, I can't really complain about the lack of respect when I was on sabbatical but given we're now actively saving your asses from extermination a thank you would be appreciated. And don't blame me for them happening in the first place- Lili was the one who kept doing shit that made Heaven piss themselves until they decided to do something about it and then just fucked off completely while I cleaned the damn mess! Things are changing around here so get used to it .”
Lucifer took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from the rambling that had pretty much turned to unfiltered word vomit at this point. Yeah, he was more used to being able to see the crowds he was addressing- this whole sitting behind a microphone thing was making it way too easy to be overly honest and it wasn't going to help things. He needed to calm down.
He glanced at Alastor. Well, at least he seemed pleased with things. And a glance over to his shadow saw the thing openly gushing . Of course him threatening people was what got the sadistic bastard going…
“ Any way! Got a little dark there, aha, didn't mean to make the mood all gloomy. But hey! New stuff! I got a new boyfriend and that's good news right? So let's celebrate! But uh, in the meantime I'm gonna just, give this thing back to Al. Alastor. Al? The Radio Demon!”
With those awkward parting words and realization he had no idea if it would bother said Radio Demon to call him Al in a public broadcast he just sort of shoved the mic back at him. The bastard still looked pleased with himself.
“Well, you heard it here first, folks! Our Lord Lucifer is once again thoroughly spoken for, all before he had a chance to announce himself Hell’s most eligible bachelor. I would say it was a pity, but obviously I get to keep him all to myself~” He grinned as Lucifer blushed and sputtered beside him. Adorable. “And since a celebration is in order, now seems the perfect time to break for some music!”
With that he fussed with his equipment, the broadcast source switching to something pre-recorded- though the music did spill into the room from another speaker as well. He turned to face Lucifer after, absolutely dripping in self satisfied arrogance.
“While normally I would have devoured half of your limbs by now for such an interruption, I can admit your presence was perhaps called for given the uniqueness of the situation.” He said simply.
“Uh, yeah. Yup. Uh, about that. What uh, what happened to the whole… let people just speculate plan…?”
Alastor narrowed his eyes, one of those condescending little hums leaving him. “Well it isn't as though we had intended to remain silent indefinitely - the people’s theories started getting a little… out of hand , so I took the liberty of setting the record straight.”
“Riiiiight….” Lucifer said awkwardly. He almost asked if this had to do with the shit Box or whatever the fuck his name was had been putting out lately- he hadn't not seen some of the harsher things, his own self loathing and depression loved to listen to demeaning news reports about himself- but he realized if it did, bringing it up now would… probably not be a good idea. So instead he rushed to move on.
“So, Regent huh?” The angel asked, pacing awkwardly behind Alastor’s chair and leaning against it. “Giving yourself a title is pretty ballsy don't ya think? I mean- it's not like we're married-” at which point Lucifer’s eyes went wide, panicking as he suddenly began to read way too much into… everything. “Or- fuck, that, I mean, you don't- that wasn't like some kind of proposal or-”
“Oh, will you calm down !” Alastor scolded, though the light blush on his own cheeks was telling. “Since when am I ever one to do things by halves? If I was doing something as audacious as proposing I assure you, you would know . It wasn't as though I declared myself Prince Consort .”
“Right. Yup. I- I knew that.” Lucifer insisted despite very much not knowing that.
Alastor glared at a corner of the studio, fingers tapping against the arm of his chair. “Did you… want it to be, or-”
“Whaaaaaaaaat? That- NO! No, ahaha, why would I- I don't- I mean, not that I never thought about it but it-” oh for FUCKS sake where was Michael with his stupid fire sword when he needed him- just kill him now, zap him with holy lightning because it would be more merciful than whatever the fuck was happening now . “We haven't really, it hasn't been that long! I uh, I think that's sorta frowned upon nowadays so I just- and you know, Charlie and uh, um. Yeah. Yup. You don't- it's… it's fine.”
“...right.” Alastor finally answered, his general primness not enough to cut through the awkwardness that hung in the air now.
“Yeah! I uh, you know as an American I'm surprised you even knew an obscure title like Prince Consort, thats-” oh fuck , had Al done research on that then? Did that mean- “Did- uh, did you want me to want it to be-”
“Oh please . Since when have I ever been so concerned with petty nonsense like that? A needless formality.” Said the man famous for his excessive formalness and general love of etiquette and old fashioned things.
Fuck .
“I- uh, look. It's not like I never want to get married again, I just-”
“Lucifer,” Alastor interrupted, leveling a glare at the other man, “the absolute last thing I want is you to make some empty grand gesture solely to appease the masses and because you think you have to for my sake. This isn't endearing or romantic in the slightest, so kindly shut the fuck up. ”
Lucifer shrugged up at that. He’d… actually fucked up here, hadn't he? Of course he had, it was a miracle he hadn't fucked up things more sooner. He always fucked things up by running his stupid mouth. What was wrong with him? Why the hell did he bring up marriage !?
“...right. Right I- I'll just, get out of your hair so you can finish your broadcast. Seeeeee you later?”
“Of course, dear.” Alastor said, turning back to his equipment and not looking at him.
Dear, not dearest.
With that Lucifer portaled himself back to his room, straight to his bed. He just… curled up and pulled the blankets over his head as he tried and failed not to think about how badly that just went.