Chapter Text
tw: panic attack, mention of blood, suffocation
Eddie should‘ve known about this. Of course his therapist was right, there was no way that he could have known – he was 40 feet deep in the ground desperately trying, fighting for a way out of the deep. But he should‘ve known. Somehow.
It basically became a part of his therapy to seriously consider quitting after every session. It exhausts him to talk. About anything if he’s being honest but he has to do this. For Chris. So he forces himself to go every week, again and again.
And like after every session, he walks back to his car, trying not to overthink too hard, when all of a sudden the images of the video flash in front of his eyes and he feels his chest tightening up.
Fuck. Not right now, please.
He feels the panic attack coming and lets himself fall into the darkness that starts to take up his vision, as he tries his best to lean against the car. He’s too tired to fight it and slides down the backdoor.
The cold and rough asphalt of the parking lot gives him a bit of stability, though it’s useless because Eddie is already back in the well. Mud, water and dirt surround him, as he shovels the masses to the side that are trying to push him further down. He wants to gasp for air but it just won’t work, he can’t breathe. Why can he not breathe? He just wants to breathe. Why doesn’t it work?
The panic gets more intense and Eddie feels helpless. He doesn’t know where to escape to. He’s stuck. There is nobody to save him and he’s not sure he would want that. He doesn’t want to die but if any other person is endangered simply because of him? He couldn’t live with that.
Chris.
Somebody needs to take care of his son. Eddie has to take care of his son. But what if he won’t make it? Are his parents supposed to raise him? That surely isn’t an option. He thinks hard about who would, who could raise his son if Eddie wouldn’t make it home one day but the lack of oxygen makes it difficult to focus. The ground continues to swallow him deeper and deeper and deeper.
He has lived this moment over and over, never telling anyone except his therapist, Frank. After many sessions of torture, Frank had decided that it was finally time to show Eddie the video of what had happened at the surface, which Eddie didn’t even know existed. Clearly it wasn’t.
Through the sound of his own labored breaths, he hears a voice call his name. It sounds far away and muffled, like-
Like someone calling him through endless masses of mud.
He knows that voice, he’s sure, he just can’t tell who it belongs to.
There is an image flashing in front of his eyes. Someone wailing, digging with bare hands, arms reaching and then-
“Eddie!“
The panicked tremble of a voice seems to fade as Eddie feels a hand on his cheek. The touch is soft, gentle. He recognizes it from somewhere just like that voice but wait. What? He- he’s alone down here. Everybody else is safe.
I thought I saved them.
Suddenly the well disappears, the wet dirt crumbles around him and is replaced with plain desert. The hot air burns his skin and the taste of mud on his tongue transforms into the taste of iron. Eddie has been here before. The smell of burning flesh stinging in his nose, making him hurl.
Looking down at his hands, Eddie sees that they are covered in red liquid.
Blood.
He notices a hand in his face and his body is quick to action. Eddie grabs the wrist attached to the hand and rips the enemy away from the vulnerable points of his body. His arms reach out to whatever person is there in front of him. It’s uncoordinated but they seem hit something flat and soft as he gets a pained noise in response.
He‘s sure that he can smell fire and hear people scream around him. He just wants to cover his ears, curl up and stop fighting.
“I don‘t want you to fight.“
Shannon. His hands reach back out to the person, gently. Carefully. Was it really Shannon? Eddie tries to call out her name but his lungs won‘t let him breathe. Tears start to wet his cheeks as the panic takes control again and he has to close his eyes. His hand drops back in his lap, too exhausted to stay up in the air, lingering.
“Eddie, breathe with me. It‘s okay. Breathe in. And out. You‘re safe, Eddie. You‘re safe. Breathe.“
Everything is tainted in black as if Eddie was thrown into a bucket of paint, making identifying the voice so much harder but he’s certain that it belongs to someone important. Someone he’s supposed to recognize.
It‘s not Shannon, Eddie’s sure of that. When did the voice show up anyway? What-
“Eddie, you have to breathe. Please.“
And Eddie tries to but he can‘t get his lungs to function properly. And he really, truly tries but his lungs seem stuck, staying contracted instead of expanding. He starts to feel dizzy, the lack of oxygen affecting his body; starting to suffocate him. He feels like throwing up.
Buck.
For some reason he’s sure: It‘s him calling his name, begging him to breathe. But Eddie still can’t get his brain to focus and so Buck’s voice melts with the images of that night. Buck kneeling on the ground, digging through the mud to get to Eddie as he’s screaming his name, his tears washed away by the hard rain. His screams are gut wrenching; hollowing through the storm. Bobby‘s hands reach out and pull the shaking body into his lap and even then, Eddie‘s name doesn‘t stop spilling over his lips.
“B-Buck“, Eddie gasps between breaths. He reaches out, wants to stop Buck‘s pain, which he now knows, is partly his fault. His fault. His hand meets Buck‘s rough cheek, his fingertips barely touching the hairline.
“I‘m here, Eddie. I‘m here. Please breathe.“
A hand lies softly above Eddie’s and gently intertwines their fingers, locking them together and lowering the pair of hands into Eddie’s lap.
Somehow, this grounds Eddie. The images of pain and trauma slowly start to slip from his mind, and his body seems to oblige his will again. Carefully he tries to take a breath in. It‘s hard, but his lungs don‘t fight it anymore and his breathing begins to steady.
As his body fills with air, his dizziness fades and his stomach calms back down. For a while he just sits there, breathing. Buck doesn‘t say anything either, just moves his thumb over Eddie‘s cold hands in a rhythmic pace. He doesn‘t know how much time has passed until he slowly opens his eyes.
“Hey.“ His voice sounded rough. Broken. “Hey.“ Buck‘s voice instead, was barely above a whisper and the amount of softness and worry in it practically begs Eddie to close his eyes again. It was hard to look at him after he learned about how Buck had searched for him and yelled his name into the endless darkness.
“Eddie? Do you want to stand up?“ Eddie nods and after Buck gets up, he pulls Eddie with him by their still tangled hands. Eddie stands on shaking legs, looking down on their feet. Suddenly he is embarrassed. Nobody has ever seen him have a panic attack, well, except for Ana and Chris but he can‘t allow himself to think about that right now, so he pushes it away.
“Hey, Eddie. Would you look at me?“ He really, really doesn‘t want to but Buck forces himself into Eddie‘s vision by tilting his head in that way where he locks his blue eyes into his. And those eyes are filled with care but also with something strangely familiar that Eddie sees in Chim’s eyes when he talks about how Maddie’s doing so much better after therapy or when Hen talks about how Karen and she had prepared Denny’s birthday party, and would almost refer to it as ‘love’ if he didn‘t know any better.
“Breathe.”
“Do you remember that day, where we saved that little boy that fell into this old well? And I, uhm“, Eddie swallows hard. He needs to say this, needs Buck to know. “I got trapped in that well?“ For a second Eddie isn‘t sure if Buck understood him, because he doesn‘t react, until he does and nods, barely visible.
“I didn‘t know, Buck. I swear-“ His voice breaks and for a moment Eddie‘s scared that his panic will take over again but he looks at Buck and he just has to. “I saw what happened to you that day.” His face is still covered in tears that continue to spill from his eyes and it’s fucking embarrassing.
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Eddie”, Buck says slowly, the words sounding almost slurred. “There’s a video.” Eddie replies quietly. “Of what?” He sounds scared.
“You.”
Buck is visibly shocked. Or at least Eddie thinks so because the expression on Buck’s face shows so many emotions at once, Eddie feels the need to explain himself.
“Like a, uhm, body cam video. You know? There was this officer at scene and he wore one.” Eddie takes a break to breathe in and out. Calm. “He- he filmed you. When I was down there and you-” Fucking breathe, Eddie. “You were digging.”
Buck doesn’t answer. He actually doesn’t really move and Eddie thinks time might’ve stopped and frozen Buck right there and then.
“Oh”, Buck exhales an finally moves again, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. “Listen, Eddie, I, uhm, I’m sorry. I didn’t know about, well, a, uhm, video, I guess?” It’s sounds more like a question than anything else.
“Buck-” The sentence is not really going anywhere, instead, Eddie just groans. He’s so tired, mentally and physically. “I mean, we don’t have to talk about that right now”, he tries again. “But I want to talk with you about it. Whenever you want, but please, just tell me the truth, will you?”
“Alright.” There is a tone to Buck’s voice, that Eddie can’t really pinpoint, but it almost sounds like hesitation. “I- I, uhm, well, if you want, we can talk about it in the car?” There is a small smile forming on Buck’s lips and it inevitably makes the corner of Eddie’s mouth move up. He nods in agreement but as his eyes fall on the car that he had leaned on, he stops.
“That’s your car”, is all that he manages to say.
“Uhm, yeah.” A silence fills the air until Buck seems to realise. “Oh, I stopped by because I, uhm, you know, wanted to, uhm-”, he continues to stutter around and only shuts his mouth when he notices Eddie staring at him.
“What?”
Eddie just has to know. “Did you come here to pick me up?” Buck is visibly startled by that and his cheeks slowly turn the same color as his birthmark. Did I just make Buck blush? He raises his eyebrow, expecting an answer, discarding his own strange thoughts.
Buck’s eyes dart around the parking lot, avoiding Eddie’s gaze that is desperately trying to fixate those blue eyes to press an answer out of Buck. “Seriously, what’s going on? Why are you so nervous?” Eddie’s done with this shit, his embarrassment, tears and panic have all long escaped his memory.
“I’m n-not nervous.” Not very convincing. “Just get in the car and I’ll, uhm, tell you, all right?”