How Long Will I Love You

It took about three weeks for the film to progress in development. By this time around, the deadline for the film’s submission for Hao’s final was coming in nearly a week and a half.

Safe to say, finals week rolling around soon was an impending doom for everybody involved in that film.

Hell, even the internet was going crazy with all of the live updates on #HLWILY on twitter, instagram, and tiktok.

Everyone seemed to particularly love the fact that the casting announcement revealed that Ricky and Gyuvin were cast as the two male leads for Hao’s very first fantasy project. And the cherry on top of it all was that Kim Jiwoong, Hao’s long time friend, mentor, and rising actor was returning to work with him on this particular film.

The buzz around Hao’s film had never been more intense. He didn’t even expect to have his film fully funded in the first week of him opening up the GoFundMe.

Immediately after that week, Hao had assembled the team so damn fast. Him and his three person cast, his camera man, Kim Taerae, his cinematographer, Park Gunwook, his sound designer and editor, Han Yujin, and a special score by Jiwoong.

From casting to crew to storyboarding, he was on a roll. He was at his peak creative buzz.

But the best thing about all of that was the fact that for the very first time in Hao’s life, he wasn't doing it alone.

Usually, during his film production process Hao was all alone. He would be cooped up in his lonely bubble, hyperfixating on the film and every little aspect because he didn’t have much else going on for him.

But now, for the very first time in Haostory, he was no longer keeping every little thought and anecdote to himself because this time around, he had Hanbin.

Everyone thought that was gonna be their breaking point. The big “It was inevitable” moment or something. Everyone, especially Hao’s friends thought that was about to be it. The repeat of the Hole Cycle, the part that comes right before Step 3–the big and cruel heartbreak.

Ricky and Taerae expected it’d come around the first week of the film being officially in development but it never did come.

After they saw more and more of Hanbin on set, it seemed to make sense to them why.

It wasn’t exactly something they could put into words but the best way to say it was that it was Sung Hanbin.

Things were different now because Hao had Hanbin.

Hanbin who listened to him yap on and on and on and on about his new ideas for the set design, the lighting, the setting even.

Hanbin who brought him and the others food during particularly long filming days on set.

Hanbin who dragged Matthew along to help them carry heavy equipment around.

Hanbin who would drive them around whenever they needed to film at a place outside of uni.

Hanbin who would listen to Hao’s frustrations day and night, in the middle of class, in the middle of the night, in the shower, on the toilet, whether it was a text or on call or in person.

Hanbin who would let Hao ride him all night long during the particularly stressful nights when he really needed to have his stress relieved.

Hanbin who would make him a hot cup of black coffee and cuddle him to sleep if even the sex couldn’t keep his mind off of things.

Hanbin who was so incredibly, seriously, madly in love with Zhang Hao.

He knew it. Hao knew it. They both did.

And honestly, they were just waiting for the right moment to let something finally happen.

But it was different for the two of them and drastically so.

For Hao, things were much more—and there’s really no better way to say this, believe it or not—stupid as fuck. In fact, his friends ridiculed him for it. They kept calling him out for constantly trying to deny that things between him and Hanbin were getting much deeper.

As if seeing each other nearly everyday, making the craziest goo goo eyes for one another, kissing and full on making out in hidden corners was something only “lowkey” couples would do.

He didn’t even call the two of them a couple, he didn’t object when his friends called them that but he never referred to him and Hanbin as such. And bitterly so, he never referred to Hanbin as his boyfriend either.

He and Hanbin had talked about it before, like a really long time ago during their first few dates. Something about Hanbin only being comfortable asking someone to be his boyfriend once they’ve reached a little over three months or something of the sort.

It was a rule in relationship intervals, really. Like when you’re actively out and about in the dating pool, the most socially acceptable amount of time to start entertaining someone new is 3 months after the breakup.

To Hanbin, it was 3 months after the first contact and Hao respected that, he really did. In fact, it was something he was anticipating anytime now.

It was kind of the perfect timing too. Three months after their first fated letterboxd meeting would be the day after Hao submits his film to their professor. Meaning all of the stress and pressure would be over and something entirely new would start to finally blossom.

He sort of romanticized it actually, though he’d never ever admit it out loud.

He knew Hanbin well enough now to know that Hanbin was ten times more of a romantic than Hao was and that was what he loved about him really.

Hao knew this had to be it. His big fairytale moment, his big gesture romcom movie moment where the perfect guy finally asks him to be his boyfriend and they kiss and live happily ever after or some shit.

If he said that out loud, he knew Taerae and Ricky would never let him live that down.

The concept of it was ridiculous that’s for sure, but Hao couldn’t let himself call it that. He couldn’t let this be something simple and casual because he knew that Hanbin didn’t do casual shit.

He strongly and firmly believed that Sung Hanbin was the man.

The perfect goddamn leading man in existence. Tall, broad shoulders, perfect hair, perfect ass, even more perfect dick. He was visually everyone’s dream husband. But by heart, he was corny, horny, kind, silly, caring, sensitive, and everything else in between that made him Hao’s perfect man.

Hao’s. Perfect. Man.

And herein lies the problem, ladies and gentlemen.

Back to the Hole Cycle, back to the discussion of the Soju and the Strawberry milk, back to the root of all of Hao’s romantic problems, there was one big common reoccurrence.

Zhang Hao had a pattern. A reputation of some sort to start looking for something to tarnish the polish off of the men he deemed were “too perfect.” One of the frequent reasons why Step 3 of the Hole Cycle didn’t always equate to Earth-shattering heartbreak.

Sometimes, when men just seemed too good to be true, Hao would try to find something about them, anything at all just to justify it in himself that this person isn’t the one.

He thought he couldn’t bring himself to do it this time around, not with Hanbin. He knew Hanbin was special. He knew Hanbin understood him.

And that was the problem.

He has painted this picture perfect leading man in a movie image of Hanbin that he knew, in the back of his mind, he would eventually be disappointed at some point.

But he kept telling himself that wasn’t what he wanted, it couldn’t be possible.

Hanbin knew him well enough, in fact, he was probably the only one who knew him well enough to this extent.

Hao knew that Hanbin, the romantic, would know that Hao was waiting for this. He was waiting for his movie moment.

The moment where everything just sort of finally comes together and the audience swoons and cries and points at the big screen and tells the universe that they want that.

For once in his life, Hao wanted to be swept off his feet and have a big romantic moment. That was the only way he would truly, genuinely, 100% know that Sung Hanbin was the man for him. If he did that, then Hao would finally give in.

If he did that, Hao would finally tell Sung Hanbin that he loves him.

For Hanbin, it was much more sequential. It started on a random Friday night after a casual dinner out on the town. Hanbin remembered the night well because he marked it as the night Hao was celebrating wrapping up the filming for act 1 and he was so excited that he had dragged Hanbin to the bathroom for a quickie.

He told that story the next day during lunch with his friends at Matthew’s condo, having chicken from their usual chicken place. His anecdote was somewhere along the lines of, “And he was somehow so strategic about letting me fuck him in that small cubicle. He even brought a lube and a condom and surprisingly a cock ring, he’s actually so smart about these kinds of things.”

Gyuvin had pointed out that it was really such a Hanbin thing to be prepared for a quickie just in case and that Hao really was just like another version of Hanbin.

Gyuvin said Hao was Hanbin in another color, Ricky said Hanbin was Hao in a different font (and that Hao was in italics and Hanbin was in bold, he had to reiterate this every time).

Then Matthew said something about how Hao’s quickie preparedness is something that definitely ticks off a check in the “Hanbin’s Extra-specific Husband Criteria” that he had in his notes app.

Later that night, he revisited the list after a while and that’s when things started to take a turn.

The next day, he went to see Hao again which resulted in at least a makeout session and some dry humping. But what Hanbin learned from that was that Hao really did gravitate towards his top lip more than his lower lip—something he already knew but didn’t seem to notice until he seeked out to notice it.

Hao ticked off item number 5 (“spontaneous but highly organized!!!”) AND number 3 (“a damn good kisser, preferably a top lip kisser (bonus points for knowing tongue stuff)”) just for all that kissing alone.

Item number 1 (“smart, witty, funny so they can keep up w my humor”) and number 2 was a given already (“HOT AS HELL please god send me your hottest twink out there”). In fact number 2 was highly emphasized. That was the Hottest Twink Alive™ after all.

Item number 4 (“willing to get spoiled/won’t mind gifts or constant meals”) proved itself to be true during their night outs when Hao would always let Hanbin pay if and only if he knew he could afford it.

That was nearly half of the list already. He tried not to think about it anymore after that but it was hard not to. This type of thing’s happened before.

Hanbin thinks some guy’s shaping out to be the most absolutely perfect man in existence and then something happens and apparently it’s just not meant to be. But this time around, it had never been so different.

The talks were amazing, the genuine connection was crazy. The way they finish each other’s jokes or never tell the other that they’re being too much about it—something Hanbin had experienced way too much in the past because apparently joking about cucumbers (innuendo intended) in a grocery store was embarrassing to some people.

Even the libido was perfectly matched for those two and that’s just what Gyuvin kept reiterating.

In the entirety of Hanbin’s dating history, nobody has ever once matched his insatiable libido like this before. It was groundbreaking.

And the best part was that to Hao, he didn’t even see sex as a separate thing like most people often had. He came to realize this when he was watching a video of Not Even Emily on youtube while eating dakgalbi that Hao cooked for him, where she was discussing how men had a tendency to be incapable of seeing women as a wife and as someone who desires sex.

She even claimed that it was a thing even in some same sex couples and with Hanbin’s dating history, that was for sure accurate. Nearly all of his romantic partners (that had gone on for more than 2 weeks) struggled the most with this.

They would start out by seeing Hanbin as this sweet, kind, ideal husband type of person and then start getting put off by Hanbin as a person once they start to realize how sexual Hanbin was. Or they’d forget that there was more to Hanbin than just sex, really.

But Hao never treated him like that. Hao would joke with him in the middle of sex and would talk about things he wants to do with Hanbin like watch a psychological thriller and listen to Hanbin talk about the accuracies and inaccuracies or go on a foot race with Hanbin on the beach or even visit the pet store to see which dogs looked like each other.

Hao saw him as a whole and that was starting to get to Hanbin. He was starting to feel like Hao was somebody he couldn’t afford to lose.

And Hanbin had never once experienced that feeling before, at least this intensely.

There’s this one song, Pipe Dream. A Spanish song from an artist called Guitarricadelafuente. One of the artists Hao had been playing on repeat because he wanted to skim through all these different kinds of artists for the music he was planning on using for the film.

He wanted his own Sufjan Stevens song in a gay indie movie moment, so he ran through a long list of all these different artists and songs.

Through his research, Hanbin had found that song. And he played it over and over again on a loop in his study playlist while Hao was over at his place and they had agreed to work on some pending tasks together—some sort of a study date but not really.

Hao was joking about something when the song suddenly came on at the same time his giggles filled the walls of Hanbin’s dorm. He would never ever admit it but that had to be one of his biggest realizations in life.

It was the cheesiest way to realize it too but Hao felt like a song—like that song in particular. How could you even tell if somebody felt like a song? Hanbin had no idea, but it made sense to him. It was the only thing that made sense to him.

And he couldn’t pry that away from his mind the following days later. Especially on the day that they had both been anticipating for weeks now.

Exactly three months since the day they first met on Letterboxd.

Hanbin had arranged a quaint date for them, nothing big at all, just a little home cooked meal at his place, a makeshift candle-lit dinner and all that.

He picked up Hao from his professor’s office as he finally submitted the film and proudly so too. Hanbin made that as an excuse for them to have a date night to celebrate Hao’s film being officially submitted.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Hao looked at him up and down and took notice of Hanbin in literally anything else that wasn’t a plain shirt or a flannel—which was to say, he was dressed up all “fancy.”

“I borrowed a dress shirt from Ricky because I wanted to dress up for you and all but he only had black. It kind of matches the black slacks I think.” Hao chuckled and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Is it okay?”

Ah, now that strange message from Ricky made sense.

SHEN FREAKY 🐱

Ge, it’s an old shirt tell him to keep it idc

The buttons rip off easily btw

Do with that what you will

???

Wut

“You look dashing, baby.” Hao let his hands linger over Hanbin’s shoulders and well defined chest, fingers grazing over the buttons. Well that information will in fact be put to good use, thank you very much Yaoi Advocate Shen Ricky.

“So what are your plans for tonight?” He intertwined his hand with Hanbin’s as they began walking towards his dorm.

“Well, since we’re celebrating your film being officially sent off tonight and all, I thought maybe a more chill and relaxing date night would be nice?”

“Did you book us a couple’s massage or something?” Damn it that would’ve been a pretty damn good idea actually.

“No, but I did cook dinner for us.” Hao stopped in his steps and gave him one hell of a look.

“You cooked? Like without me? Like all by yourself?”

“Why are you so surprised to hear that?” He raised an eyebrow. “Do you think I’m a bad cook?”

“No! No! Maybe…” Hao teased and wrapped his arms around Hanbin’s arm, “No, I’m just kidding. It’s just that you’ve never done that before, it’s surprising I guess. Where did you even do it?”

“Matthew’s house is near the campus. He has a big kitchen because his mom cooks a lot so they let me cook a simple meal as long as I promised not to burn down the house or anything.”

“And were you successful?” Hanbin seethed through his teeth.

“Barely. I mean, I’m alive, aren’t I?”

Hao chuckled endearingly, he practically Zendaya-ed the hell out of that joke. Not that he needed to, he just liked it when Hanbin had that satisfied dimpled grin on his face when Hao laughs at his jokes.

“So what’d you make me?”

“Well I was trying not to burn down the house so I just made truffle pasta and bread rolls.” Hao raised an eyebrow.

“Bread rolls? You made bread rolls?”

“Fine, I bought it at the supermarket. Happy?” Hao hummed contentedly.

“Knew you couldn’t bake for shit.” He clicked his tongue.

“Okay, fine. Fair.” Hanbin held his hands up in surrender as he held the door of his building open for Hao. “But I did make us a little surprise for dessert.”

“A surprise?” Hao smirked at all the possibilities. Chocolate covered dildos, edible underwear, whipped cream body shots or something. Or maybe it was something completely normal and he was just extremely dick deprived for the day.

“It’s nothing big or whatever,” Oh, so the surprise isn’t his dick. Okay, got it. “It’s just something I thought you would like.”

“Backshots?” Hanbin shrugged. He didn’t shut him up or get embarrassed or pretend he didn’t hear it. He shrugged.

“It’s never off the table, baby.” He gave Hao the hottest smug smile ever. How Hao didn’t jump onto that dick right then and there was beyond him.

He’s been waiting for this all day. During the last few clutched hours of editing the last sequence, fixing the timing of the score, matching the color grading and everything else in between. It was all so stressful but he got through it because of the thought of tonight.

He knew that tonight was finally gonna be THE night, the big romantic ask with the most perfect guy he could ever ask for. So he waited patiently and let the thoughts of whatever would come from tonight motivate him. He waited until they got to the elevator, to Hanbin’s floor, and eventually the door to Hanbin’s dorm.

He knew that by the end of that night, things would be official. He would finally be Zhang Hao, Sung Hanbin’s boyfriend.

“Hold on.” Hanbin stopped him from turning the knob. “Before we go in,” He took both of Hao’s hands into his own and pulled him closer. “I do want to give you a little warning.”

“What? Why? Did you not clean up your place again?” He clicked his tongue, “Bin, I’m tired. I know it’s romantic to clean together and all that but I honestly don’t feel like scrubbing the floors after the day I’ve had.”

“No, no, it’s not that.” He chuckled, “It’s the lights.”

“What’s up with it? Did you change the lights or something?” Hao recalled the last time he entered Hanbin’s room with the dim lighting of his study lamp and all that.

“I switched it up just a little bit for tonight. If it’s too dark just let me know and I’ll change it back, okay?”

“Why? What did you do with it?” Hanbin only gave him a knowing smirk before finally turning the knob.

“Nothing special really. But I know you’re sensitive when the lighting is too dark so just tell me if you need more, okay?” He finally opened the door to reveal his whole entire room lit up with fairy lights on every wall and about a hundred battery-operated-candles. The exact same ones Hao had in his bathroom at his dorm, the exact same ones they had lit up on the night they first had sex.

“Sung Hanbin.” Hao’s jaw dropped all the way down to the floor. “This is fucking insane.” He held his hands up over his mouth, he just couldn’t seem to process how Hanbin was able to do all of this.

As he entered the room, he saw more and more of the candles spread out across the floor (that was now rid of Hanbin’s dirty laundry which was an extremely rare occurrence by the way) and just about any flat surface including Hanbin’s bed. In the middle of the small room though, there was but one small foldable table.

It was dressed up in a white table cloth with two foldable chairs on both sides, in the middle there was a single huge plate in the middle with a silver cloche over it, two red wine glasses, three battery-operated-candles, and—Hao’s favorite of them all—Ddungjjungham with a tiny little bowtie next to a tall glass of wine.

“I wanted to take you out somewhere fancy with a candle-lit dinner and all that jazz but I couldn’t really afford it.” He shut the door behind him and placed a hand over Hao’s lower back, guiding him towards the table. “I thought the next best thing would just be to bring it to you.” He pulled the chair for Hao to sit on comfortably.

Ever the gentleman, ever Hao’s dream man.

“This is crazy.” Hao couldn’t wipe off the shock, the joy, the excitement, and the warmth that was slowly pushing him to hold back tears. “You’re crazy, Sung Hanbin.”

“Do you not like it?” Hao violently shook his head.

“I do! I do! I fucking do! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, are you kidding me?!” He looked around the room one more time, eyes twinkling at all the little warm shining lights surrounding them.

“I’m glad you like it then.” Hanbin pulled up his own seat and from there, he pulled out something that Hao never once thought he would ever receive—at least while he was still alive. A small bouquet of three red roses and little daisies bunched up around them wrapped up together with a long and thick white ribbon. “I also tried getting you flowers but this was the only one I could find that was within my budget. I hope you still like it though.”

He handed Hao the bouquet who only took it in his hands with the shyest smile he could muster up.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what kind of flowers you liked so I guess I just thought roses were a safe option.” He sat down on the chair and watched Hao stare at the bouquet with a shy smile and sparkly eyes.

“It’s poppies.” He let his hands ghost over the silky petals of the roses. “I like poppies. Just for future reference.”

“Poppies.” Hanbin noted. “I’ll remember that, then.”

“But I love these too, just so you know.” Hao hugged the bouquet in his arms carefully. “I love everything you give me.”

That smile on his face made it all worth it, honestly.

That entire day had been by far one of the most stressful days of Hanbin’s life. Early in the morning, he was bargaining with some dude at the furniture store to let him buy and return all 148 battery-operated-candles but they somehow had a strict no returns policy so now he just apparently owns 148 battery-operated-candles.

Then after realizing that he never actually checked if the candles came with the batteries—which, of course it didn’t—he proceeded to buy 45 packs of batteries and forced, yes FORCED, Matthew and Gyuvin to help him put the batteries in every single one of the candles.

By lunch time, he was busy cleaning up his room to make it perfectly squeaky clean and even took the time to buy a spray that smelled like cinnamon and vanilla—the flavor of lube Hao seemed to like the most apparently.

He somehow managed to drag along Matthew and Gyuvin to scrub his bathroom clean as well. Honestly, at that point Gyuvin and Matthew deserved a higher position than best men at that wedding, they deserved to be higher than the grooms actually.

Then he proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon shopping for all the ingredients to cook truffle pasta, a special dessert, and bread rolls from scratch in Matthew’s house. After a very valid crash out at his failed bread rolls, he gave in and just bought reheatable ones from the grocery store. While he was there, he was still really sulky about the bread rolls but the sight of supermarket flowers seemed to motivate him a little more.

After an embarrassing amount of daydreaming about giving Hao flowers, he was suddenly all motivated to cook the pasta that was surprisingly much easier for him to cook. What really took a while was the dessert. It took Hanbin three tries and 15 cans of fruit but he finally did it and with time to spare too.

He had just enough time to hang up the fairy lights everywhere, take a shower, drench himself in his best perfume, and get dressed in the shirt that Ricky lent him. He even did his hair and makeup by himself using the makeup that Hao picked out for him when he asked him for tips.

It took him a while to get his hair swept up to the side to show off his forehead because apparently Hao has a thing for his forehead. He learned that after a very sloppy night of sex where Hao kept pushing his hair back and telling him how sexy he looked with his hair like that.

When the time finally came to pick Hao up from his professor’s office, Hanbin felt like a puppy seeing his owner come home from work after a long day.

And now it seems like Hanbin’s odyssey to gay paradise is incredibly worth it, maybe even a little more too actually.

The smile on Hao’s face, the blush on his cheeks, and most importantly the way he looked back at Hanbin. Every step of the way was worth it.

The rest of the night was a dream to both of them. To Hanbin, it was a candle-lit dinner with the hottest man alive. To Hao, it was wine and a home cooked meal with the leading man of his dreams.

It was all they could ever ask for and more.

“Okay, so I got my first camera when I was like 14.” Hao swirled the wine around his glass and lovingly stared at Hanbin twirling the pasta with the fork they shared. “And I think the first film I ever made with that thing was like a music video to a song by Troye Sivan.”

“Camera, music video, Troye Sivan. Wow you really were gay as hell.” Hao burst out into cackles.

“It kind of was though. I believe the song was Ease? And I made my friends act all emo and shit because the plot of the music video was basically unrequited love for your best friend.”

“Let me guess, this went mega platinum on Tumblr?” He held out the fork for Hao to take a big bite of the pasta.

“It didn’t though, that’s what made me kind of sad. I thought it would be received well and all of that because I thought it was so beautifully shot. I guess not.” Hanbin cooed at him fondly.

“Poor baby.” He ruffled up Hao’s hair, “I hope you’re proud of what you’ve done now though. You did such a great job on this one. I mean it.”

“How are you so sure? You haven’t even watched it yet.”

“I know it’s you.” His hand subtly moved over to brush against Hao’s hand on the table. “I know you work hard and put your whole heart into everything you do. Which makes it all the more beautiful too.”

“Have you even watched any of my other works? I’m just curious.” Hanbin nodded proudly. Oh of course he’s watched everything Hao’s put out at this point. This was yearnatron 3000 in action after all.

“Of course I have. Not sequentially though. Obviously the first one I’ve watched is Youth In The Shade. Mostly because I was curious about the films that Jiwoong hyung was in since I met him freshman year and he was really nice to me. And also because Gyuvin had a major crush on Ricky at the time.” Hao snickered, oh freshman year was a time to be alive.

“Then I watched Bittersweet for Gyuvin. I tried my best not to laugh at him whenever he’s doing the stabbing scenes. Otherwise, it was actually a really aesthetically pleasant film. I loved how the colors were really vibrant and then they’d get dull when Gyuvin’s character isn’t off plotting murder or trying to get away with it.”

“Thank you, I did the color grading on that film by myself.” He said proudly.

“Great job, baby. I loved it.” Hanbin paused from his long train of thoughts to give him a reassuring pat on the head. “Anyway, the next one I watched was, I think, an older work of yours. The one about the monologue where the main character is just biking and it’s revealed in the end that he’s monologuing while bleeding to death or something.”

“Timebomb. Yeah that was a work I did in high school. I’m surprised you watched even my older works, most people just watch the stuff I made after Youth In The Shade.” Hao twirled the pasta and held it out for Hanbin to take a big bite of.

“I figured. That’s why I watched all of your older stuff too. Even the animated trilogy about the three guys trying to get to heaven by car.”

“You watched Road Movie? No way.” Hao had never heard anybody talk about his animated film ventures before. “Not even Ricky had watched those.”

“Well, I really wanted to get in your head and see what kind of work you’ve done and all of that. The next one I watched though was probably Doctor, Doctor!, which was the most devastating one for sure. And my absolute favorite too. Yujin looked like a sad puppy the whole time.”

“Oh yeah, Yujin is an extremely talented kid.” He recalled their days on set just a few weeks ago and even their conversations during the last few last minute edits earlier today. “He can be a shy kid but he and Gunwook are absolute all rounders. I’ve worked with Gunwook’s cinematography a lot but I’ve seen his other works too, he’s spectacular.”

“I’ve seen their names around your works a lot. I can tell you like working with them.”

“You really see their names even in the credits?” The light of the million flickering battery-operated-candles glowed behind him, though his eyes outshined just about anything in that moment. “You really do watch all my stuff, don’t you?”

“They mean a lot to you and you mean a lot to me so why wouldn’t I?”

“So does that mean you’re gonna watch the new one too after my professor approves it?” Hao’s ears were turning red. It was pretty cute how he got shy at that.

“Of course, I will.” Hanbin smiled at him sincerely.

“Will you really? Because some people say they will but they just put it off until they forget to and—”

“Hao.” Hanbin brushed over his hand, “I promise I’ll watch it. You have my word, okay?”

“Okay.”

There was a breeze that brushed past them in that tiny dorm room. A breeze that Hanbin didn’t seem to feel but one that made every single strand of hair on Hao’s body stand up nevertheless.

Hao had a term for when he gets goosebumps like this. He calls it the panda’s lunch, apparently because the hairs on his body are like bamboo trees swaying in the wind.

When Hanbin first heard Hao call it that, all he did was laugh and call it cute. He had no idea that every time the hairs on Hao’s body would lift up like that, it would always be because of him.

It was because Hanbin smiled at him or Hanbin held his hand.

It was because Hanbin kissed him on the lips or on his forehead.

And in this case—the most common of all cases—was because Hanbin would say something like this. He would look Hao in the eye, tell him something real, and make him feel it.

It was scary to Hao. The thought of it all being that serious but he still put his faith into Hanbin to not mess things up, to let this be it, let this be the happily ever after in the movie of Hao’s romantic ventures.

But Hao was Hao. He has his patterns, he has his challenges.

And he just couldn’t shake that feeling off now. All the what if’s, the buts, the howevers.

What if Hanbin did mess up? What if Hanbin isn’t ready yet? What if Hao is the only one who wants to commit? What if all of this is just one big bullshit? What if Hao was wasting his time? What if Hanbin is hiding something from him? What if he’s not the only one? What if Hao is just another fuck buddy?

What if…

What if Hao wasn’t ready to settle?

Right there, in an instant. Hao’s body felt like it was going to crumble all the way down.

“Hao?” Hanbin waved his hand in front of his lost eyes. “Did you hear what I said?”

He felt like there was something in his throat or his chest or his stomach or something. He hated this feeling, he hated all of this.

He needed to get away from his head.

“No, sorry. I got lost in thought.” Hao cleared his throat. “What were you saying again?”

“I asked you if you were ready.” Hanbin had that innocent nice boy smile on his face that everyone loved about him but he was anticipating something. That didn’t make the feeling in Hao’s stomach go away.

“Ready? Ready for what?”

“Dessert.” He stood up from his chair and grabbed another smaller plate with a cloche on it yet again.

“Oh, dessert.” Hao straightened his back and unscrunched his forehead, he couldn’t let Hanbin suspect anything was wrong. “Sure, what is it?”

“Well, I worked extra hard for these. This was probably the hardest thing I ever had to make and I have no idea if it even tastes good. But I just thought that it would be fitting.”

“Fitting?” He lifted the cloche slowly and revealed what seemed to be a small platter of pineapple crisp. “What the hell?”

“This took me 15 cans of pineapples to make because I just kept failing but I really wanted to make something pineapple related to commemorate our first kiss because,” He caught himself about to get flustered and Hao seemed to catch it too.

Hao folded his arms and watched him shyly say the rest, “Well, because tonight is a night to remember too. We had pineapple slices on our first kiss, pineapple juice on the night we first had sex, and now I wanted to make something special out of the pineapples.” He sat down and placed the platter in front of Hao. “I know it’s part of your whole fantasy. Your whole Chungking Express romance with your own signature song and your dreams and your movies and all of that.”

“So you’re playing into it? My fantasy of a Chungking Express romance or whatever?”

“Not exactly playing into it.” Hanbin took off a piece and offered the bite to Hao. “More so, giving in.”

“So you’re giving in to me.” He looked at the slice of pineapple on the fork that Hanbin hovered over his mouth. “That means giving me everything I could possibly want. Why?”

“Because I can, I’m willing, and because I want to. I want you and I want everything I have to do to have you.”

There was a thumping in his chest now, something that just won’t stop. Something that was starting to scare him more and more.

The thoughts spiraled in his brain once again. All of the scary what if’s that he had been trying to push down just kept bubbling back up even more now.

He tried his best to swat it away but the best he could do was to bite the slice on Hanbin’s fork the only way he knew how. This was all so reminiscent of the night of their first kiss.

The way Hao wrapped his lips around the head of the fork, letting his tongue stick out first and looking him in the eye just to give Hanbin a subtle message.

Rest assured, in a matter of moments things escalated from sweet and wholesome to an absolute sloppy mess.

Everything was a blur after Hao had taken a slice in his mouth and proceeded to make a satisfied moan, supposedly at the flavor but Hanbin had other things in mind honestly.

Then it was all the teasing. Hao’s foot hiking up his leg, Hanbin unbuttoning his shirt while looking at Hao’s pleading eyes, Hao playing with the fork and letting it bounce on his lips, and worst of all, Hanbin taking his belt off and rolling up his sleeves.

It didn’t take long for Hao to jump onto him a few minutes after that. Who could resist him honestly?

Hanbin had made it impossible for Hao not to want to ride his dick that night. The pushed up hair, the forehead, the clothes, the candles, the pineapples, and the goddamn innuendos.

“You’re crazy.” Hao muttered between sloppy kisses as Hanbin struggled to pull Hao’s hoodie away from his body. “Never stop.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” He finally pried off Hao’s zip up hoodie away from his delicate, carefully carved body. The marks on Hao’s hips from the night before were still very much there. Hao was very stressed out with finalizing everything for his film yesterday and he apparently needed a good release.

“What?” Hao observed Hanbin’s eyes trail over the nail marks on his hips and the hickeys across his stomach. They matched the scratch marks all across Hanbin’s back and the hickeys covering his collarbones right by his tattoo, that’s why he was staring so much.

It was somehow another reminder, another big sign from the universe of why this was so right.

It was another example that proved the idea that Sung Hanbin and Zhang Hao are each other’s lego pieces.

“I’ll never get tired of seeing you bare.” Hanbin smiled and grabbed Hao’s waist closer.

“Get used to it.” Hao let his lips attach to Hanbin’s once again and oh how that feeling drowned him. His lips had the same effect on Hao as a shot of vodka except ten times better and in no way bitter.

It was working. The feeling of getting drunk on Sung Hanbin, having all of his overwhelming thoughts be stripped away from him as he pushes Hanbin onto the bed and climbs on his lap with ease.

Hanbin was no better than him though. He knew he had the Hottest Twink Alive™ all shirtless and bare on his lap, it was only a matter of time before he had his lips on Hao’s neck. His arms wrapped around Hao’s back like he had no intentions of ever letting go.

He started out with the softest pecks against Hao’s skin that prickled at the chilling sensation of Hanbin’s hot breath brushing against his skin. He shuddered at that, Hanbin contemplated if he should take that opportunity to let his hands linger and play around with Hao’s chest a little.

But he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t pry his arms away from Hao’s bare body. He couldn’t afford to have Hao not be pressed so closely against him, the feeling was too good. The grip of Hao’s hand on his shoulders, his mouth latched onto his neck, Hao’s warm chest pressed firmly against his, Hao’s hips grinding right over Hanbin’s hard on.

“Look at that, so hard for me already.” Hao sighed pleasingly and let his neck stretch out for Hanbin to leave as many more marks as he pleased. “Couldn’t put up a fight, could you, baby?”

“Not like you’re any better.” Hanbin licked on an already red mark on Hao’s neck and grazed his teeth against it slightly, just to watch Hao whine and shiver. “See?” He chuckled against Hao’s skin, earning a whine and one hell of a tight grip on his shoulder.

“I am in fact better.” Hao’s hand snaked up from his shoulder to Hanbin’s carefully combed pushed up hair. Oh he couldn’t wait to rake his hands through it and watch him turn into a mess. “I have loads more self control than you do.”

Hanbin pulled his lips away from the mark he had been nibbling at just to look at Hao in the eye and raise an eyebrow at him. “Oh really now?” Hanbin scoffed and leaned back down, propping himself up on the bed by his elbows.

That cocky grin on Hanbin face, the slightly disheveled hair, the top buttons on his shirt already undone. What a fucking meal this was.

Hao must’ve saved a deity in his past life to be rewarded with such a delicious seme by the yaoi gods.

He let his hands roam over Hanbin’s chest and watched his breath hitch at the feeling. The fabric of his neatly ironed dress shirt stretched over his chest so tightly, Hao loved the way it sat against his skin. He could see every curve and outline of Hanbin’s chest in that shirt and all he wanted to do was to bury his head in it and leave the nastiest marks all across his chest like an animal.

It was almost like Hanbin could read his mind too with the way his eyes pierced through Hao’s.

“What?” Hanbin’s hand snaked over the collar, “You want the shirt off?”

Hao nodded with the cutest little pout that he only pulled out when he needed something bad.

“I thought you were willing to prove you were better at keeping it in? How come you’re nodding like a desperate puppy now?”

“I said I have more self control than you, not that I’m not horny as fuck for you. There’s a difference, you know?” Hanbin giggled and let his hand dangle over Hao’s thigh teasingly.

“Okay, fair enough.” His hand cupped Hao’s thigh so smoothly, you would barely even notice it was there if you weren’t as hypersensitive as Hao was under his touch. “So what’ll it be for you, then? Some self control or a naked man underneath you?”

“Gee, I don’t know, maybe the gay ass option.” Hao deadpanned. “What the fuck do you think? Of course I want you naked.” He dove right back down, pressing Hanbin flat down on the bed and uniting their lips in a kiss filled with fond giggles and touches.

The kiss started deepening when Hanbin’s hands started roaming over Hao’s thighs down to the curve of his ass. Oh to feel the ass of the Hottest Twink Alive™. What a privilege indeed. Almost as much of a privilege as to have his pretty plump lips start traveling down Hanbin’s neck and leave a trail of sloppy kisses and whines as he moves closer and closer to his tattoo.

Hands were put to work the longer Hao’s lips lingered around the skin he so dangerously wanted more of. Hanbin’s hands squeezing and teasing Hao’s voluptuous bottom and Hao’s hands ghosting over the flimsy buttons of Hanbin’s oh so very useless shirt.

Hands. Hands. Hands. Hands. Hands. It was all about the damn hands and it was oh so intoxicating.

“Baby,” Hanbin groaned, hands still pawing at Hao’s ass cheek so desperately, “Be careful with the shirt, I still have to return it.”

“No you don’t.” Hao grumbled between hungry nibbles at Hanbin’s neck. “Ricky said you should keep it.” He shifted his weight over Hanbin’s crotch as he trailed kisses lower and lower down, “It’s yours now, which means” He lifted his head up and let his hands fist the fabric of Hanbin’s shirt. “What’s mine is yours and what’s yours,” He grinned like a happy, satisfied little cat. “Is all mine.”

He ripped the shirt apart, watching every button fly up into the air and land all across the bed, the floor, and whatever other surface there was.

“Oh my god.” Hao was practically foaming at the mouth. The sight of Hanbin beneath him with his shirt completely unbuttoned, tattoo and chest on full display, toned stomach peeking from the window where the shirt opened up, its tails still tucked in his Hanbin’s slacks but that somehow made it even hotter.

Hanbin barely even had time to react to what Hao had just done before he felt Hao’s hot breath, wet lips, and warm hands plant against the sensitive skin of his bare chest. He was getting dizzy already, he couldn’t even get his hands away from Hao’s hips. He couldn’t resist planting him firmly down on his crotch and guiding his ass to hump his crotch in just the right frequency.

The friction made him feel like a crazy man, the moans that left Hanbin’s mouth were carnal. It was oh so shameful but he didn’t care, not when Hao’s precious lips were sucking on the skin of his chest, hands playing with his sensitive nipples, and ass grinding down on him.

Nobody could survive that.

“Fuck, you’re amazing.” Hanbin threw his head back in pleasure.

“I want more.” Hao lifted his head up, lower lip dragging against Hanbin’s chest right as he did.

“What do you want?” Hanbin took him by the cheek, “What do you want, baby? I’ll give you whatever you want.” He was drooling from the pleasure at this point. Gone was that cocky smile now, all that there was left was pleasure and the need to have more of Hao all over him doing whatever the hell he wanted. “Tell me what you want, it could be anything at all. I’ll give it to you.”

“Anything?” He pressed a longing kiss over Hanbin’s palm and looked him in the eye.

“Anything at all, baby.” Hanbin let his thumb press over Hao’s lower lip. “Anything at all.”

Something shifted in Hao’s eyes at that moment, a sudden need for something he didn’t even know was in him until there it was. “Then,” Hao took Hanbin’s hand and slid it over his neck, “Can hyung let me ride his dick?”

What. The actual. Fuck. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.

“What did you just say?” Hanbin froze, his blushy flustered cheeks still glowed brightly despite the dimmed battery-operated-candles and fairy lights lighting.

“You heard me.” Hao wrapped his hand around Hanbin’s wrist, forcing his palm to press over Hao’s adam apple harshly. “I want to ride your dick, hyung.” There it was again.

“Did you just call me hyung?”

“I did. Does hyung not like it?” Hao tilted his head and pouted with fake innocence glistening in his eyes.

“I do, but I’m technically younger than you.” Hanbin tried his best not to stutter, he had to keep his composure up otherwise Hao would never let him hear the end of it.

“Yeah but you’re more like a hyung to me anyway. You take such good care of me. Hyung buys me meals, he showers me, cleans me up, cooks meals for me, and most importantly,” Hao leaned into his ear, “Hyung fucks me so well.”

Well goodbye to these nice formal slacks. Thanks a lot Zhang Hao, Hottest Twink Alive™, for once again being the reason for Sung Hanbin’s nice pants to be covered in leaking precum.

“Fuck, what is wrong with me? Why is this turning me on so much?” He could tell Hao was getting exactly what he wanted out of this. He couldn’t even deny him the satisfaction anymore.

“You like it too, hmm?” Hao’s low sultry chuckle was proof, he had Hanbin right where he wanted him. “Hyung said he’ll give me what I want right?” His hand brushed against Hanbin’s sternum and started trailing down his stomach to the big tight bulge in his pants. “You’ll let me ride you while I call you hyung, won’t you?”

“I don’t know, baby.” His hands tightened over Hao’s hips once again. “Think you can prep yourself fast enough?”

“Watch me.” Hao was an expert. It was probably the desperation that got him moving as fast as he could. He jumped to right where Hanbin hid the lube, he pulled his pants off as fast as humanly possible, he covered his delicate fingers with Hanbin’s cherry flavored lube, and sat back down on Hanbin’s lap ready to finger himself.

One finger in and he was already down on Hanbin’s chest, mumbling sweet nothings to his ear that only made his pants tighter. Two fingers in and Hao’s lips were already parted, he swore he wouldn’t last long after that but Hanbin kept stroking his back and telling him that he’s doing oh so well. Three fingers and he was practically on the brink of tears, not tears of pain, sadness, joy, or anything of the like. He was crying from desperation, the need to be filled up, the need to have Sung Hanbin.

“Bin,” Hao’s hand snaked up to Hanbin’s neck, “I’m ready.”

“Take it off then, you know how.” That, he did.

Like a hungry puppy, he dove down to undo the pants that had been mocking him this whole time. He pulled it down desperately until they pooled down at Hanbin’s knees, the tails of his sleek black shirt finally freed from the waistband of his pants, the collar itself started to fall past his bare shoulders.

“Eager, are we baby?” Hanbin chuckled at him mockingly as he watched Hao align his leaking tip to his rim.

“So what if I am?” He began sinking down, at a teasingly slow pace. “Does hyung not like it?”

There it is again with the name. It pricked up the hairs along the back of his neck each time Hao said it but he couldn’t let it show. He couldn’t let Hao take control.

“I do, baby.” He let his hands slide up over Hao’s smooth thigh, on their way to firmly grab his hips and buck up into him, “But maybe hyung will like it more if you move a little faster.”

He thrust his hips upward and watched Hao grip onto his shoulders tighter and wince.

“Fuck.” Hao’s voice had gotten whinier and higher. It was only a matter of time until Hao would be a drooling, needy mess, grinding his delicate hips the best he could. But he knew Hanbin well enough at this point.

He knew Hanbin would guide him right when he fully bottoms out, he knew Hanbin would guide his hips to move in every direction that feels good, at the perfect pace, at the perfect angle.

And he was right, of course. A few minutes after he had fully sinked in, Hao was starting to get louder as he moved his ass up and down the long shaft inside of him.

“More, more.” Hao rocked back and forth, “Please, hyung. I want more.”

“More, huh? Want more of hyung?” His claws were practically digging into Hao’s plump ass, stretching him just the way he liked it. “Bet you want it rough too, don’t you?”

Hao shivered, he loved the way Hanbin said it. He loved the way Hanbin clawed at his ass. He was loving this all way too much.

He was enjoying it so much that he was practically forgetting why he initiated this thing in the first place.

Now, was it really ethical to ask somebody if you could ride them just so they can fuck the overthinker out of you?

Was it ethical to want to forget every tormenting thought in his brain by asking to get choked while you bounce on their throbbing cock?

Perhaps not. But he was here anyway. He was getting fucked out until his brain was too foggy to register anything scary anymore. It worked for him at least.

But for Hanbin, things were far too different.

Hao was starting to get weaker now, he had resorted to kissing Hanbin and letting him guide his hips with every thrust. Things were starting to shift in the air.

The steamy breaths and the whiny “fuck”’s were practically gone now. The dirty talking, the flirty banter, even the hot moans were all out the window. Now things were falling silent, an indicator that their main focus now revolved around getting to the climax. Hao pressed their foreheads together and scrunched his eyebrows together.

He was determined to get there, to finally feel that approaching high. But Hanbin had other things in mind.

All he could see at that moment was Hao hovering over him with the golden silhouette of the fairy lights and a hundred battery-operated-candles glowing around him. His bare shoulders, milky and smooth, carved perfectly like he was made from a bar of ivory. His long and graceful neck, covered in love bites and red marks from Hanbin’s own lips.

His hair, a complete wreck from all the hazy motions of sex and desire as they stuck to his sweaty forehead. His nose and his lips and the way they fit the silhouette of Hanbin’s own nose and lips perfectly. His delicately placed moles across his face, the ones Hanbin liked to kiss and trace when they find themselves in each other’s arms after a long night of sex and sweat.

And his eyes.

People say the eyes are the windows to the soul.

Sung Hanbin disagrees.

To him, the eyes were how you could tell if somebody loved you.

He knew it every time. He could see it in the way his parents looked at each other and at their children, at the way Gyuvin and Matthew looked at him and one another, at the way Hao looked at the movies he’s spent years of his life admiring and the movies he’s spent crafting with his own hands.

Love in every form, can always be purely determined by the way somebody stares at what they truly love.

Hanbin had been waiting for years, pining and yearning for what felt like his whole life to see someone look at him the way he wanted to be looked at.

He ticked off every item on the “Hanbin’s Extra-specific Husband Criteria (Separate from the Obvious)” list by now. That should’ve been enough already but Hanbin had to see this for himself. He had to know it for sure, if Zhang Hao, the Hottest Twink Alive™ truly was the love of his life.

“I’m close.” Hao mumbled, but Hanbin remained indifferent. He waited for Hao to look him in the eye, he waited for the slightest second to finally see it in his eyes.

And as Hao caught his longing stare, he dipped his head down and pressed their foreheads together. His eyes stared right into Hanbin’s and somehow he just knew it.

There was a light in his eyes when he stared at Hanbin. A warm, unwavering candle light that stood warmly like an inviting embrace. It was calm and it was quiet and it was everything.

It was everything Hanbin needed to know.

“I love you, Zhang Hao.”

Hanbin finally whispered between the hot air that lingered between their linked forehead and their nearing lips.

Hao stopped moving. He completely stopped moving.

“What?” Suddenly, all the sense he was begging to have Hanbin fuck right out of him started floating back. “What did you just say?” He pulled himself away from Hanbin’s forehead and stilled his hips.

“I was waiting for the right time to say it and to ask you to be my boyfriend and all of that shit.” Hao couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I was scrambling and trying to think of when I could finally say it but then—”

“But then you said it,” Hao felt like his throat was swelling up, “In the middle of sex?”

This was wrong. He felt so wrong. None of this was making sense to him, none of this was right.

Hao tried to give him a second of redemption but he couldn’t look Hanbin in the eye. He could barely do this.

This wasn’t right.

“Hao,” Hanbin reached for him but it was too late.

Hao pulled away from Hanbin’s lap and sat on his bed next to him quietly.

The thoughts were rampant now, far too quick to even sort through at this point. But one thing was for sure, Hao was mortified.

He was mortified because all of his overthinking tormenting thoughts were right.

All the what if’s, all the possibilities, all the reasons why Sung Hanbin couldn’t possibly be his dream guy.

This confirmed it. Hanbin was not the man Hao thought he was.

If Hanbin was the movie man that Hao thought he was, he never would’ve done this.

Hao’s movie man would’ve known better. He wouldn’t have said I love you for the first time and talked about asking him to be his boyfriend in the middle of sex. He wouldn’t mess it up, he wouldn’t say it so casually.

He would step up and he would make it memorable.

He would make it romantic and say it while on a walk under the stars or while they slow dance to his favorite song because he would know that’s exactly the type of cheesy movie bullshit that Hao would fall for.

But he didn’t.

Now, Hao was mortified. He was right after all.

Even after these three months, Sung Hanbin, was not the man of his dreams.

They didn’t have an argument anymore after that. Hao didn’t need to say more. All he said was that this was wrong, then he put his clothes back on and walked out of that dorm room without ever looking back.

Hao walked out of that room carefully. He wanted to think that moment would come much later, maybe this was all just for the drama.

Maybe Hanbin would run after him and say something beautiful right as Hao steps out into the building and into the cold night.

But he never did.

Hanbin would never forget that night.

It was the night that he knew he messed up and did nothing about it.

It was the night he stood alone in his room with a hundred battery-operated-candles and fairy lights, staring at a bouquet of roses and daisies in his hands and thinking about how he just let the love of his life walk away from him without another word.

That night, Hao couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t feel things the same way anymore, all that he knew was that there were tears in his eyes and he couldn’t stop them from flowing.

He wanted this to be it so badly.

He wanted this to be the end of his stupid cycle of love and heartbreak.

But he was wrong yet again.

That night, he watched In The Mood For Love (2000) once again and wrote his first review in months.

And thus marked the beginning of Step 3 of Hao’s Hole Cycle. The Heartbreak.

ACT VIII: Like The Movies

A little over a week had gone by after the dreaded incident in Hanbin’s dorm. A full week of no contact (well sort of, he tried for three whole days but it was to no avail), no Zhang Hao, and nothing but nonstop keshi songs—and not in the blowjob way.

Hanbin was lucky that week fell on Students’ Week, otherwise he would’ve been sobbing in the middle of lectures and cursing keshi and Wong Kar Wai.

Students’ Week treated everyone nicely apparently. It saved Hanbin the embarrassment of talking about his biggest fumble to random classmates and it gave Hao something to do.

Shortly after the submission of his film to the department, he had gotten an email that his film was chosen to be among a few of the student films to be shown in their local theater for Students’ Week.

He used that opportunity to busy himself with promoting the movie on social media, selling tickets, even getting interviewed by their local university radio station.

Hanbin stared at the poster for a good 20 minutes or so.

It felt like it was mocking him somehow, though it shouldn’t. There was no reason for this to be mocking him.

This was Hao’s film. Hao’s art. It was something that came from his heart and something that belongs to him only.

But that song carried a weight now. It was no longer just Hao’s favorite song, at least to Hanbin it wasn’t.

That song was the song that played on the night that they first had sex.

And Ricky’s image on the poster. It was taken on the balcony inside Hanbin’s dorm building.

Even the “Special Score by Kim Jiwoong.” Which they first listened to inside the car that Hanbin rented using Hanbin’s bluetooth speaker.

Okay, maybe that was a stretch but he doesn’t care. Right now anything that remotely reminded him of Zhang Hao were grounds to throw a fit.

Truth be told, Hanbin wanted to find a reason to hate Hao. He wanted to villainize him somehow just to make this easier but it never worked. Not even a little bit.

Hanbin loved Hao too much to turn him into a villain just to move on.

Not that he wanted to move on. He doesn’t want to move on. In fact, he’s actively refusing to move on. He wanted nothing to do with the concept of moving on because all he wanted was Hao.

Zhang Hao who didn’t love him.

Zhang Hao who left him.

Zhang Hao, the one true love of his life.

Sure, it was pathetic but he didn’t care. Anyone would do the exact same if they found the love of their life and just watched him walk away. Well, maybe not everyone would just sit and watch him walk away.

And there goes the pang in his heart all over again.

Because no matter how many times you thought about it, no matter how many times you twisted the story in every perspective, it would always come out the same way. He fucked up.

He hated himself for it, honestly. He prepared the whole day, dragged Matthew and Gyuvin with him, spent a shit ton of money, only for him to do the one thing he did all of that fancy shit for in the middle of sex.

Hao was right to get mad, Hao was right to feel whatever he felt.

But he had his faults too. For one thing, he shouldn’t have left. He should’ve talked it out with Hanbin, he should’ve given him a chance to explain but he never did.

And if only he had the chance, if only Hao was willing to give him the chance to even just talk.

Hanbin would do everything, he would jump at the chance to even meet Hao’s eyes again. He would make sure he wouldn’t fuck it up this time too.

He was sure that just one chance was all he needed.

The longer he stared at the poster, the more he thought about it.

He did make a promise to watch it and Hanbin never broke a promise. He wondered if Hao even remembered that.

He thought about it for a few nights, wondering if he should buy a ticket just to see the movie and fulfill his promise. But he couldn’t do it and he hated himself even more for that.

Why didn’t he just do something crazy? Why didn’t he just go ahead and make a big gesture like all the men in the movies that Hao loved so dearly?

It wasn’t Hanbin, that’s why.

Hanbin wasn’t a man in a movie. He was Sung Hanbin.

Sung Hanbin, the same man who couldn’t get laid because he wanted somebody to be willing to establish what was okay and what wasn’t.

The guy who always needed verbal consent. The guy who prioritized everyone’s safety and comfort.

Of course he wouldn’t do anything crazy if there was a possibility that Hao wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

He was willing to do a big gesture, whatever it could possibly be. But if and only if Hao would let him.

That’s just the kind of man that he is.

And in the back of Hao’s head, he knew that. Hao had been thinking about it too throughout the whole week.

Ricky and Taerae were starting to get concerned for him, really. All the busy days started with Hao’s red eyes and they all knew the reason.

That week had been one of the busiest weeks of his life, it only taught Hao one thing.

Life was so fucking lonely without somebody to share it with.

Suddenly, he had nobody to send pictures of his lunch to, he had no one to tell his day about, he had no one to joke with about the funny unhinged things he noticed about his day, he had nobody to take him to where he wanted to go, he had nobody to bring him food when he was hungry, he had nobody to kiss when he was feeling victorious or fuck when he was feeling frustrated, he had nobody to cuddle him to sleep and make him a cup of hot black coffee.

Suddenly, Zhang Hao had no Sung Hanbin.

He missed him terribly. He missed every little thing about Hanbin from the sound of his voice to the warmth of his body down to the vibration of his chest when he giggled.

It was okay at least, when Hao was busy. He had his mind on other things after all. He was extra irritable and sensitive, for sure. But at least he wasn’t bursting out into tears.

It was only bad when Hao was alone because that’s when he could hear it the most. The sound of Hanbin’s laugh in his head, playing over and over again in an attempt to both mock and comfort Hao.

He couldn’t silence it when he was alone. He couldn’t hide the fact that he longed for Hanbin’s presence and he hated that feeling.

He hated wanting somebody that he purposely pushed away.

He hated missing somebody that he still loved.

And most of all, he hated the fact that he still loved Sung Hanbin.

He still thought about him every damn day in everything he did.

When he woke up, he would wonder if Hanbin’s awake. When he got up for breakfast, he would wonder what Hanbin was having and if he was eating well. When he would start running errands, he would wonder what Hanbin’s busying himself with at that moment.

The worst of it would come when he’s about to sleep and he would wonder if Hanbin thought about him too at that hour.

He would wonder if Hanbin pictured him in bed too, just laying next to one another and staring into each other’s eyes.

Though the thought that seemed to linger the most was if Hanbin still loved him even after what he did.

Hao honestly regretted leaving that night.

Every time he thought about it, he hated himself a little bit more for just walking out the second he got scared.

Tonight, though, was the night before the last day of ticketing. Hao went back to his dorm after a particularly long day and decided to make himself a big bowl of ramen for dinner. He didn’t want to cry that night so he did what he usually does when he doesn’t want to cry at the thought of being lonely, he switched on the same song to loop over and over again.

How Long Will I Love You by The Waterboys played about 3 times until Hao finally tossed the noodles into the boiling pot. He always hated that part because the water would splash on him sometimes and it would startle him. This time though, it wasn’t the boiling water that caught him off guard, but the song that suddenly played.

Hao could’ve sworn he looped the song but somehow, in some weird way, Jiwoong’s score for the film came on.

There were three songs that Jiwoong made for the film and they all had their own unique names.

The first was named “A Sword in The Sky” which was a thrilling instrumental that built up the tension every time Haneul (Gyuvin’s character) would lock eyes with Jian (Ricky’s character). It was the music that played during their first encounter too.

The second was a much sadder one named “Because I Was Afraid.” Yeah thanks a lot, Jiwoong. That didn’t hit close to home at all. Hao kind of hated how much he loved that song, honestly. It was a very lonely sounding instrumental and it pretty much felt almost exactly like what Hao was feeling every damn day and night.

But the last one, “Stand By Me.” Jiwoong’s original soundtrack.

All Hao said when he first heard the song was that he found it pretty. But now as it played in his small dorm room, he couldn’t help but feel the melody even harder now.

All he could think about was how Hanbin would love to see the part where this song was used. Then all he could think about was Hanbin.

He tried to shut it out and just go back to cooking, opening his cupboards to look for his tray of eggs but right as he did, the first thing that greeted him at the very front of the cupboard was a singular can of pineapples.

Hao couldn’t handle any more of those thoughts tonight, he was going to reach out to turn the song off and just stop it, stop all of the tormenting thoughts of missing Sung Hanbin but he couldn’t.

Not when Jiwoong just reached the chorus and suddenly sang the words that made Hao want to just crawl into a hole of gay desperation and rot there.

“How did I end up embracing a world called you? How did you make your way into my heart?”

Hao wondered the same exact thing as he took the can of pineapples and sat down on the floor, staring at the label.

He never purposely looked for Hanbin, he never purposely pursued him. In fact, he hesitated. He could’ve never showed up on their first date but he did and since then it was never the same anymore.

“Do you know just how beautiful you are?”

Hao grazed a thumb over the label as he recalled Hanbin asking him the exact same question after every time they had sex and cuddled to sleep.

“You shine like a bright star and wrap around me like a gentle breeze,”

His embrace. God, he missed that. Almost as much as he missed Hanbin’s smile.

When was he ever going to feel that embrace again?

When was he ever going to see Hanbin’s bright smile again?

Hao was starting to tear up the more he thought about it, his dripping tears falling over the pineapple can’s sticker label as he remembered just how warm it was to be in Hanbin’s embrace.

And how it always came around right when—

“Whenever it’s dark, even when I get lonely and scared,”

Right when it’s dark and it was too scary for Hao to do things alone. Right when Hao needed him the most.

That’s when his warm embrace would come and fix everything that feels scary and lonely and then he’d feel like…

“It’s okay, because you’re always by my side.”

Hao felt like the universe was mocking him with that, really. Out of all the pineapple cans in the whole entire world, the one that happens to be in his cupboard is the one with a hamster on the logo.

Always by my side.

Hao remembered it now. He remembered why there was this random can of pineapples in his cupboard.

Hanbin bought it for him the second time he came over to Hao’s place for a dinner date because the last time he gave him a fresh pineapple, things seemed to take an interesting turn (plus Hao sucked at opening pineapples and Hanbin didn’t want to risk Hao injuring himself just to crack one open).

They didn’t end up eating the pineapples that day but Hanbin told him to keep it just in case Hao was sad and needed something to make him feel at least a little bit better.

Even in a distant memory, Hanbin looked out for him.

Even with so much distance between them now, Hanbin was still by his side.

And it was there that Hao finally realized it.

All this time, he had been scared of Hanbin not being the perfect guy, of Hanbin being just another guy who would leave Hao.

He had gotten so scared of it that before they could even be officially together, he already left before anything else could happen.

It was never really about saying the big L word in bed—though, Hao still kind of hated him for that.

It was always about the fact that Hao jumped at the closest opportunity to leave Hanbin and believe that he isn’t Hao’s perfect movie man because it was getting too real.

But all of this was just proof after proof after proof now of the two things Hao had been lying to himself about for so long now.

Number one: Sung Hanbin was not the perfect movie man of Hao’s dreams because Sung Hanbin was a real goddamn person.

He was not a fictional idea in Hao’s favorite romcoms, he was not somebody who fit some sort of trope, he was real.

The fact that he made a mistake was proof that Hanbin was real.

And number two: Hanbin never left.

It was Hao that left before he ever did but even despite that, Hao knew Hanbin still kept tabs on him. Asking Gyuvin and Ricky how Hao was doing and all of that. The typing bubbles that occasionally popped up in their messages but never actually came up.

Hanbin was still by his side even when Hao was the one who left already.

In every way, Sung Hanbin dominated Zhang Hao’s heart. And after the long and dreaded cycle of the same heartbreak over and over again, Hao couldn’t let this one go anymore.

Zhang Hao was in love with Sung Hanbin.

He said those words in his head repeatedly and just knew it has never been more true.

He was in love, madly in love.

And this time around, he was not at all willing to let it go.

MANGYUUUBBB 🥭

Hey, Gyuvin

Listen

I have a small favor to ask you

Hanbin stared at the singular ticket stub on the table with Hao’s handwriting on the back with the words, “You promised.” written in black ink.

“He messaged me last night.” Gyuvin watched his expression carefully as he reached out to take a sip of the iced americano Hanbin had treated him to. “Said he had an extra ticket and wanted me to give it to someone who might want to see the movie.”

Hanbin couldn’t pry his eyes away from the ticket. From the way Gyuvin put it, it seems like Hao had said it so discreetly and vaguely like it was just something thrown into the air.

But the handwriting.

Hao knew he was going to give the ticket to Hanbin. There was no other world where Gyuvin wouldn’t choose Hanbin for this sort of thing and Hao knew that.

That message was for him.

Hao was anticipating him.

“Don’t overthink it this time, will you?” Gyuvin broke the silence that rang between Hanbin and the ticket.

“What do you mean?”

“Hyung.” Gyuvin deadpanned. “You always do this. You always overcomplicate things in your head until you end up doing something stupid in the end.” He pushed the ticket closer to Hanbin. “It’s for you. It’s very clearly for you.”

He stared at the ticket just a little bit longer before actually reaching out for it. The look on Gyuvin’s face was unreadable, but he knew Gyuvin well enough to know when he was holding back smacking him in the head.

This was it.

The sign, the big confirmation, the very thing that Hanbin was starting to think would forever be impossible.

Hao was giving him a sign that he wants Hanbin to do something.

This was the consent that Hanbin had been waiting for.

It took him a while to actually register that, to actually realize that this was his big chance to finally set things right and bring back the love of his life.

This was his big movie moment.

The second that clicked in his brain, he nearly jumped on Gyuvin and squeezed him in the tightest hug known to man before rushing to prepare what was to come tomorrow.

That entire day, he swore he felt like a kid who can’t fall asleep the night before his big birthday party.

Hao, on the other hand, had the opposite reaction.

Hao’s entire day before premiere day was an entire day of nail biting anxiety. All the preparations were making him anxious as it was but the knowledge that the trajectory of his entire love life now rested on the single ticket in Gyuvin’s hands was driving him insane.

He had no idea if Hanbin would even show up. He had no idea if Hanbin was too mad to show up and Hao just practically embarrassed himself or something.

Hell, Gyuvin could’ve fucked everything up and just given the ticket to somebody else like Matthew or a random classmate or a family member.

There was little to no certainty that Hanbin would actually show up to the premiere and that just amped up his anxiety a little bit more.

“Stop it.” Ricky paused from delicately brushing dark brown eyeshadow over his eyelids to purposely glint at him.

“What?” Hao pulled his thumb away from between his teeth as he leaned against the wall next to Ricky’s dressing room table.

“You’re always complaining that your nails are chopped and they’re always crooked and shit but you won’t stop biting them.” Taerae grabbed Hao’s hand and showed him his half gnawed nails. “What are you even so anxious about?”

“He’s worried his boyfriend won’t come or whatever.” Ricky set down the eyeshadow palette and patted the chair next to him for Hao to sit on.

“He’s not my boyfriend and it’s not just that.” Hao clicked his tongue and obliged anyway. “It’s a lot more than that, if you must know. I mean first of all, it’s my first premiere—our first premiere.” He gestured at himself and Ricky. “I mean it’s just a uni festival but this is still a pretty big deal for us, we’re even getting interviewed and everything. There’s gonna be a whole bunch of people watching…”

“But?” Ricky paused from curling Hao’s lashes to look him in the eye.

“There’s no but’s.”

“Ge,” Ricky gave him a look of derision as he unscrewed his mascara bottle, “With you, there’s always a but.”

“Fine.” Hao sighed as he let Ricky coat his dainty lashes in black mascara. “There’s gonna be a lot of people but I’m worried that maybe he won’t—” He looked down at his crooked nails and sighed, “I’m worried he won’t be one of them.” He said with his voice cracking just a little bit.

Ricky and Taerae shared a look of bewilderment.

“Ge? Are you crying?” Ricky lifted him by the chin but he only looked down.

“No, no, I’m not.” Hao insisted. “I’m not gonna cry, I can’t cry today.”

“Oh wow, you’re really worried about this.” Taerae sat down on the chair next to him, patting him by the knee. “You’re genuinely worried that he won’t show up.”

“Of course I am.” Hao put on a stronger tone and cleared his voice.

“But why? It’s not like this is your last chance to see each other or anything.”

“Yeah but he made me a promise.” He pulled away from Ricky’s careful touch to face Taerae sincerely. “If he doesn’t show up tonight then not only would he break a promise to me but that also means he’s given up. It means he doesn’t care enough anymore to show up to something that means a lot to me. It means he’s given up,” He paused, eyes looking more forlorn at the thought of it alone, “On me.”

“But it’s Hanbin hyung.” Ricky said in a very firm tone. He wasn’t asking, he wasn’t reminding, he was giving Hao a confirmation. “There’s no universe out there where Hanbin hyung wouldn’t choose you.”

Hao let that sink in for a while and sat in silence as Taerae and Ricky continued discussing it a bit more before shifting the conversation. That thought still didn’t leave his mind when Ricky finally finished dolling him up for the event. And it lingered even when they finally stepped out onto the stage with Ricky for their interview before the movie began.

The entire interview, Hao tried his best to keep a straight face, a professional face. He tried not to make it painfully obvious that he was searching the crowd and turning his head at the swinging doors every few minutes just to check if Hanbin had finally walked in.

Five minutes into the interview, no Hanbin.

Ten minutes, still no Hanbin.

Twenty, still no Hanbin.

Thirty.

Forty.

Fifty.

Last ten minutes into the interview.

“Before we wrap up once and for all, we do have one final question that your viewers from all over the world are just dying to know.” The interviewer leaned in closer and gave Hao a very curious look.

“Rumor has it that you have a reputation for never giving your films complete endings or happy endings for that matter. Can you give us a hint as to whether or not that streak will be broken today?”

Ricky handed him the microphone that he dreaded taking but he spoke anyway. “Sort of. I don’t want to give too much away but this film really is the first of my films to take such a drastic change from the style of films that people are usually accustomed to when it comes to my films.”

“And is that in any way attributed to any particular event in your life or any person that has influenced you while you were writing the script for ‘How Long Will I Love You’?” Hao and Ricky shared a quiet look as Hao hesitated to give the interviewer an answer.

“Yes.” He said bluntly, almost bitterly. “I had some help with writing some parts of the film though this person really helped with a lot more than that.” Ricky reached out to grab his thigh from under the table, an attempt at comforting him really. He looked back at Ricky and gave him a careful nod as if to say that it was okay. This was okay. He was okay.

“This person is the reason why the ending of this film is the way that it is. And that will never change no matter what has happened or what will happen. But I just hope that,” Hao looked down, away from the crowd now that had started to fill up the empty seats, away from all the eyes that eagerly waited for his words. “I hope that he keeps his promise.”

He looked back up at the crowd, fixing his eyes in nowhere in particular. “I hope he knows that I want him here and that I want him to see this film because I have words and feelings that I could never bring myself to say all at once but I managed to put it all into a 34 minute and 46 seconds film. So I guess it’s a message for him as much as it is a message for everyone else out here.”

He smiled at the crowd gratefully, only now realizing just how full the theater was. They were all there for him. They were all there to see his creation, his story, his movie. “To all the hopeless and the romantics, to everyone who never thought they’d make it. I hope you guys know this one’s for us.”

For a brief moment, that seemed to calm him down and even made him feel a little giddy inside. This was a day he had never expected would come and now that it’s here, he could only hope that everyone would treasure it just as much as he did.

And if Hanbin happened to be here. He hoped he would realize it too.

Everything Hao had been itching to say but never did, everything Hao wanted to pour out for Hanbin to hear. This was it.

The movie began rolling soon after Hao and Ricky had settled into their seats at the front together with Jiwoong, Gyuvin, and the rest of their little film crew.

The second the theater got dark, Hao felt his throat tighten just a little bit. Luckily, Ricky was always quick to catch on and held his hand in comfort.

“Thanks.” Hao murmured as the light from the projector finally came on.

“Don’t worry, Ge. He’ll show up.” He looked at Ricky with eyes full of desperation and prayer as the movie started playing the acoustic version of Jiwoong’s score. “He’ll watch it and he’ll get you, Ge. Trust me.”

The camera panned to a view of the bright blue skies covered in fluffy white clouds as it moved down slowly, passing through the movie’s title card “How Long Will I Love You”, written in what seems to be someone’s poor handwriting in chalk.

The camera continued to pan down like it was taken from the perspective of someone peering down from a high building.

At the very bottom of the building was Ricky’s character, laying in the grass with eyes closed.

“I was 18 when I first realized what I was doing wrong in my life.” Ricky spoke as if he was talking to somebody but then opened his eyes slowly and looked the camera in the eye. “I had always been doing everything one by one. I wore pants one leg at a time, I wore shirts one hole at a time, I wore shoes and socks one foot at a time. But is it not in fact a waste of time to do that?”

The bell rang from the building in front of Ricky. He sat up from the grass and looked at the ringing red bell from the hallway in front of him before slowly turning his head over his shoulder to talk to the camera once again. “For instance, maybe I wouldn’t be late to class right about now if I hadn’t been walking one foot at a time my whole life.”

He sprung up from the ground and hurriedly walked through the hallway, still talking to the camera as if it was his classmate that squeezed through the halls with him.

“If you really think about it, wouldn’t everything just be way more time efficient if we just did everything we needed to do all at once? That way maybe we’d have more time to slack off and do whatever the hell we wanted. I’ve thought about this for a while, you see. But then I realized it,” He slowed down as he entered the big door leading towards a huge lecture room. “If we never felt wistful of the time we could’ve spent doing something else entirely then we would never learn to appreciate the value of time.”

He walked up to the closest available seat in the front as the classroom soon filled up. “If we had all the time in the world,” Ricky looked back at the camera one last time before completely disassociating from it. “Then I suppose this exact moment would never happen.”

He turned his head to the door, the camera whipping in the same direction too.

“9:59 AM.” Jiwoong’s character walked into the classroom looking at the analog watch on his wrist while dressed in a classy button up and slacks as he carried a brown briefcase with him. “Two more minutes and I would’ve been late to my own class, how embarrassing.”

He sighed and began setting up his things at the podium at the very front. The movie started tuning him out by the time Ricky was starting to yawn. The movie seemed to follow a very interesting style of following Ricky along externally but also feeling what he feels at the exact same time.

When Jiwoong started talking about the butterfly effect, Ricky had already turned his attention to the big windows that poured in showers of sunlight all over the room. At that time of day, the room seemed to be far too bright for anyone sitting in the front row which was probably why there were only two people sitting there on two completely opposite ends.

The camera panned out to show Ricky on one end, staring at the windows hazily and Gyuvin’s character on the other end, who busied himself with writing notes diligently in his notebook.

Soon, the class bell dismissed just as Ricky was trying to get a peek at what Gyuvin was writing. Before he knew it, everyone in that classroom was squeezing themselves through the door and the hallways had never been so busy before.

Ricky took his time though, he waited until the hallway was just a little bit more clear before leaving the room but it seemed like the boy in the front row had the same idea too, except he was in a bit of a rush.

As Ricky made his way out the door, Gyuvin rushed in through the narrow space between him and the door, making their shoulders touch just for a second.

Time suddenly stopped and slowed down, zooming in on Ricky’s face, on Gyuvin’s face, their shoulders touching, and the exact moment where their eyes meet for the very first time.

Jiwoong’s score played all throughout that sequence that felt like absolute top-tier cinema. Hao deserved an Oscar for that scene alone, actually.

And almost in the blink of an eye, they slipped right past each other as time went back to normal. The classroom and the hallway in front of them was dead empty. The silence was almost deafening.

“What the hell?” Gyuvin stepped out into the hallway and searched for all the people he could’ve sworn were just there. “Where did everybody go?”

“Well,” Ricky acknowledged the camera once again, “This is weird.”

“What? Me?” Gyuvin looked at him suspiciously.

“Oh, no, no! Not you.” Ricky gave the camera a silly look.

“Listen, stranger. I don’t know what kind of tricks you’re playing here but this isn’t funny.” Gyuvin pointed at his watch, “I have another class to get to in like ten—” Gyuvin looked down at his watch, only now noticing how his digital watch had suddenly turned analog and most noticeably, the seconds hand was moving backwards. “What the hell? You have my watch, don't you? What kind of scam are you pulling here?”

“This guy’s yappier than I thought.” Ricky mumbled at the camera.

“What did you say to me?” Gyuvin scoffed and folded his arms. “The nerve of this guy. Hey, didn’t your parents ever teach you that it’s disrespectful to talk about a guy behind his back without actually knowing him?”

“First of all: I was not doing it behind your back, I know you’re right in front of me. Secondly, I didn’t know there was a rule like that. What a culture shock.” Gyuvin groaned and stormed back into the empty classroom, only then noticing how some of the chairs were different, how there was suddenly no air conditioner, and how there was suddenly no TV screen, projector, and even their professor.

“What the fuck?” Gyuvin looked back at Ricky like he was about to pounce at him. “What kind of weird game are you playing here, weirdo? Where did you take me? What do you want with me?”

“Hey, why are you suddenly so quick to judge me and assume it’s my fault? Weren’t you the one who just said that it’s wrong to judge somebody you don’t even know?”

“Well, it’s the only logical reason as to why we’re here! You’re the only other person here, aren’t you?” Ricky gave the camera another weird look.

“Nice logic there buddy. Failed to notice that maybe I’m just as confused as you are.” Ricky roamed back inside the room and hopped over one of the long tables, leaning back and letting his legs swing.

It took about two more minutes of the movie’s run time for Ricky and Gyuvin to bicker until Ricky caught a glimpse of the old calendar clock resting over the teacher’s desk.

It was in brand new condition but Ricky swore it was impossible to see any of these nowadays. He looked closer and looked around at the woodwork.

“What are you doing? Are you still trying to play tricks on me or something?” Gyuvin followed after him to perch on the teacher’s desk.

“The clock looks brand new and it looks like it’s mounted to the desk. This was never here before.” Gyuvin looks out into the big windows, catching a glimpse of the big clock tower that stood in the middle of their old university. He noticed the big hand moving, showing the passage of time and impressively sending a shock of fear down Gyuvin’s spine.

“What? Why?” Ricky noticed his face shift in discomfort.

“That clock tower hasn’t moved since the war.” Gyuvin turned around and scrambled to find something in the drawers of the teacher’s desk.

“What are you looking for?”

“A newspaper, a planner, a diary, anything at all. I need to see the year.” Ricky watched Gyuvin scramble around looking like a madman as he gave the camera a strange look.

The sound of Gyuvin pulling drawers and going through stacks of papers filled the awkward silence between them not for long.

He pulled out a huge stack of papers and spread them out across the floor. They appeared to be graded test papers with different names and dates but one thing was certain. The year on the papers.

1921.

“What are you doing? What is all that?” Gyuvin grabbed two random papers from the floor and confirmed his suspicions.

“The year.” He showed it to Ricky who didn’t seem to believe him at all.

They proceeded to argue about it for a little while longer until they finally came to terms with it and decided that the best course of action was to try and bring things back to normal.

“So how do you propose we go about this?” Ricky sat on the seat Gyuvin had claimed during their class as Gyuvin sat on the opposite end.

“Well, I have a theory.” Gyuvin stood up and walked around the table to tower over Ricky. “All of this mess started when you bumped into me on our way out.”

“Hey, I did not bump into you. You bumped into—”

“That’s enough, pretty boy, I’m not done talking.” Gyuvin placed a finger over Ricky’s lips, leaving him dumbfounded. “As I was saying, I think that it all started because of that particular instance. Now it’s a popular theory to recreate the same instance in order to return things to normal.”

“Great, then we can just—”

“But that’s stupid.” Gyuvin interrupted him once again. “This is an interruption caused by something that is reeling us back into this particular moment in order to do something, change something, until there is an impact that will echo through time and space and eventually bring us right to where we need to be, which is home. Correct?”

“I’m sorry, can you speak human?” Ricky glared at him.

“Strongest soldiers, strongest soldiers.” Gyuvin mumbled to himself in what seems to be an attempt to calm himself down.

“What?”

“God gives his greatest battles—this,” He gestured at Ricky and the air around him, “To his strongest soldiers—me.” Then he pointed at himself.

“Someone’s full of himself.” Ricky shook his head at the camera.

“Anyway, the point is, what we need to do is find something to do that will cause an effect that will ripple through time until we’ve completed what we’re actually here for.”

“So we’re looking for something? Like some sort of clue?” Gyuvin nodded.

“Exactly. It can be anything.” He started walking up the steps in the middle of the hall, looking underneath chairs and tables until something knowing would catch his eye. “A pen, a name tag, a book, could be literally anything.”

Ricky rolled his eyes and started walking up the steps on the side until he noticed a single piece of torn up paper clinging to his shoe. He picked it up and swore he saw horror fall upon his face.

“What about a note with my name on it?” Ricky furrowed his eyebrows at the single piece of paper with his name written in english letters.

“What?” Gyuvin rushed over and caught Ricky’s odd expression. “What are you talking about?”

He took the paper from Ricky’s hands and looked back up at him oddly.

The paper read simply:

In red ink, “Are you Kim Haneul?”

In black ink, “Yes. You are?”

In red ink, “Sun Jian. Professor Kim said you’re my partner for the midterm assignment. Wanna meet up for lunch?”

In black ink, “Okay.”

In red ink, “Nice to meet you, Haneul.”

In black ink, “Focus on class, Mr. Sun.”

Gyuvin sighed and glared at Ricky, “Are you messing with me? You put my name into this too.”

“What?” Ricky looked over Gyuvin’s shoulder to glance at the note again. “Your name is,”

“Haneul. Kim Haneul.” Gyuvin looked over his shoulder to meet Ricky’s eyes as the music started to swell up once again. “And you’re…”

“Sun Jian.” Ricky enunciated as the music proceeded to grow louder and louder as the camera shot them from every angle and zoomed out slowly until the classroom once again changed in such a subtle way, you would only ever notice it if you were paying close attention to the very second that the music ended.

The movie continued to run its course in that same classroom with the same clothes, the same characters, but a sudden change in creative tone and direction as the characters proceeded to find new clues as the story progressed.

For instance, when they found the second clue, the camera shifted angles to show what seemed to be a recreation of what Ricky and Gyuvin envisioned Haneul and Jian to have been doing at the moment that they found the pressed red poppy.

The rest of the movie seemed to be very dialogue heavy especially as they went on to find more and more clues, jumping from months to years to find every little clue.

Through all of that, they were finally starting to crack the story behind these two people from the 1920s.

It followed a young man named Kim Haneul, the son of a servant for a noble family and Sun Jian, the heir of a noble family in China known for their tobacco exports. Haneul was able to attend the university to accompany the son of the family his dad was working at while Jian was sent to the university to study there during their family’s stay in Korea while they explored Korean trading exports.

As more clues unfold, Ricky and Gyuvin discover that Jian began courting Haneul not long after they began talking. He used to leave red poppies in Haneul’s locker, his bag, and in between the pages of his notebooks. He seemed to be very consistent but Haneul never answered him.

The reason of course, was because his family thought he was a disgrace for ever entertaining the concept of being with a man.

According to the third clue—Jian’s diary, it was revealed that Haneul’s father was threatening to pull Haneul out of university and just make him take his father’s job instead of finishing his degree. Haneul, whose only dream was to get out of the city and escape his family, couldn’t tolerate living on the same roof anymore so he ran away.

He slept in the university’s classrooms without anybody knowing until Jian found him one day after class. After that, Jian decided to start letting Haneul sneak into his house to sleep there and shower and have a proper meal without Jian’s family finding out.

According to the diary, that was when Haneul first realized he was falling in love with Jian.

One day, after class, Haneul sneaks up to Jian’s window once again but he only catches a glimpse of Jian standing on the balcony with his scarf on and his bags packed.

Jian and his family were going back to China as their business in Korea was over. Jian leaves his scarf with Haneul and gives him a kiss on the forehead before leaving without saying another word.

That was the last time the two saw one another for a while. The next clue that Ricky and Gyuvin managed to dig up was a letter addressed to Haneul, 5 years after they parted. It was a letter from Jian, letting him know that he was visiting Korea and that he hopes to meet with him.

But in an unsent letter from Haneul, he expressed that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do so because Haneul was getting married to the daughter of the Headmaster of the university—the bride that Haneul’s father had chosen for him.

Jian eventually returned to Korea and met Haneul by chance which completely caught Haneul off guard. In Haneul’s diary entry dated that day, he and Jian went out for a drink that night and walked around their old campus before ending the night with a kiss. Only after the kiss did Jian find out Haneul was getting married. It didn’t take long for him to run away and swear to never see Haneul again.

That kiss was apparently caught by one of the local students who recognized Haneul as the fiancé of the Headmaster’s daughter. His bride finds out the truth not long after Jian returns to China. She runs away and dies in a tragic plane crash on her way to leave Korea.

Haneul is disowned by his family once and for all, he’s completely hit rock bottom. Once he manages to find a stable job and a home for himself, he realizes just how lonely he actually is and how the last time he’s ever felt genuine happiness was when Jian visited.

He decides to reach out to Jian and sends a letter with his phone number and a red poppy in desperation. He receives a call later from Jian and they proceed to talk for the rest of the night just like how they used to. That night, Haneul finds out that Jian was sick, terribly sick. After finding out Jian’s conditions, Haneul began working overtime to earn enough money to make arrangements to go to China.

One night, he received a wedding invitation from Jian.

Jian was getting married to a man. Jian had found love with somebody else and it wasn’t Haneul.

Yet, he still invited him.

Haneul arrived at the wedding and met Jian’s husband, Bolin (who was Jiwoong’s second character). The whole time, Haneul couldn’t help but notice just how happy Jian was with Bolin.

During the reception, Jian had found his way to Haneul in the bar. Haneul told him how happy he was for Jian but regret never left his tongue. Jian sensed it too.

That night was the first time Haneul ever told him he was in love with Jian.

A few years later, Haneul received a phone call from Bolin saying that Jian only had a few months left and that Bolin only wanted Jian to be happy for his last few months. He revealed that he had officially broken up with Jian and sent him on his way to Korea to find Haneul.

That same evening, Jian arrived at Haneul's door and since then, they’ve lived together in Haneul’s small apartment. For the past few months, Jian seemed to be apparently recovering way better with Haneul than he ever did in China with Bolin.

Eventually, Jian asked Haneul for his hand in marriage through a ring crafted from the stem of a red poppy. Haneul says yes to him and starts to plan their wedding but the world had other plans for them.

Two months before their wedding, Haneul was sent to fight in the war.

He made Jian a promise then and there that they will still be married on that same day, a year later. He just needed Jian to wait a little longer.

So he did.

Jian waited for one year and another and another.

The last thing that Ricky and Gyuvin found in that classroom was Haneul’s last letter to Jian while he was still fighting in the war.

“June 10, 1953,” Gyuvin read aloud. “My dearest Poppy,” He put the letter down, his voice already shaking.

“Do you want me to read it?” Ricky reached out to stroke his hand kindly.

“No, it’s okay, I got this.” Gyuvin straightened his back and continued reading. “My dearest Poppy, I know I told you I would never break a promise but I have done you wrong. Three years have passed since I broke my promise. I have not forgotten what I have told you on the day I left you, my love. I remember it all.”

Ricky stared at Gyuvin lovingly like every word was everything Ricky needed to hear. “I know I promised to marry you a year later but time seems to disagree with us. And if you’re reading this letter, then I,” Gyuvin froze and turned to look Ricky in the eye. “I’m afraid I can never fulfill my promise to you now.”

He turned back to the letter and read, “If you’re reading this, my love, I have long died in the war. I hope and pray that this may never find you but if it does, please know that there is not one day that I didn’t think of you. There was not one day out there that I went to sleep dreaming to feel your touch once again, yearning to hear your voice, praying to call you what you truly are to me. My love, my one and only, my husband.”

“Haneul,” Ricky held his wrist, “I can’t do this.”

“What?”

“I thought I could still handle it after the memories came back to me when we saw the entry with Bolin’s call, but I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” Ricky stood up from his seat and began to walk out of the door.

“Jian, where are you going?” Gyuvin followed after him.

“I’m leaving. I don’t care anymore, I know how this story ends. If it ends the same way I know it would, then I don’t need to stick around for it anymore.” He reached the door, one foot out and all but Gyuvin managed to grab his wrist before he stepped out.

“Do you even remember this?” Gyuvin held up the letter, “Do you remember seeing this? Do you remember writing this? You don't, right? It's because I wrote it. I wrote this letter and I remember every bit of the pain that it brought me to write this very letter.”

“Nobody asked you to write the letter, Haneul. Nobody asked you to make a promise that you knew was never going to happen!”

“So you’re leaving? You’re just giving up now?” Gyuvin began to tear up, the music started to grow louder and much sadder.

“I’m scared, Neul.” Ricky’s voice quivered. “I’m scared of what will happen next, I’m scared of feeling whatever it was that I felt all those years before.”

“But I’m not.” Gyuvin shook his head. “I’m not afraid of anything, Jian. I’ve been through heartbreak and death and rebirth just to find you all over again. If all of this time travel is possible, if all of this reincarnation bullshit is possible, then anything else can be too. You and I, we can be together again, Jian.”

Ricky pulled his hand away from Gyuvin’s grip, “That’s exactly what scares me.” He stared at Gyuvin intently, “Do you have any idea how much pain I went through, waiting for you, praying for you, hoping that the next letter isn’t your last one? That’s our fate, Haneul. Our fate is a tragedy and I don’t want to spend this life in agony once again.”

“So what then? What are you doing?”

“I’m making a decision, I’m making the big change we needed to do to get back to our time or whatever it is you said.” Ricky held onto the doorframe, “I’m choosing not to be with you in this life, Kim Haneul.”

All of a sudden, the classmates that disappeared from the halls returned, their professor stood behind them with his brown briefcase and all. And it was like nothing had ever happened, as if everything had returned to normal.

They were back in their original timeline, back to the moment where everything started.

And Gyuvin just stood there, watching Ricky disappear into the crowd. He didn’t know what else to do, what else to say.

“I did tell you.” Jiwoong stepped up behind Gyuvin, patting him on the shoulder. “I gave you the chance, Haneul. I told you not to mess it up this time. This is the second second chance that I’ve given you.”

Gyuvin looked at him with big bulging eyes. “Bolin?”

“Time is infinite only for those who choose love, Haneul. For the rest of us, our time is finite. Do you really want to make the same mistake with what limited time you have left?”

Gyuvin looked up at the clock tower to see it moving once again.

“Make a decision, Haneul.”

The music started to rise once again as the camera moved all around Gyuvin, only stopping right when he made eye contact with the camera.

“I choose him.”

The next shot followed Gyuvin running through the crowds of students to chase after Ricky.

Finally free from the busy crowd, Gyuvin stopped in his steps to look around for Ricky only to spot him across the yard laying in the grass. The same one that Ricky had been laying on in the beginning of the film.

“Sun Jian.” Gyuvin shouted out his name.

“Haneul?” He propped himself up by his elbows, “What are you doing? I thought I told you—”

“No.” Gyuvin walked towards him slowly, “You made your decision but I’ve made mine too.” He pulled out the letter once again. “You may not want to read the rest of this letter but you don’t need to. I remember every word and I stand by it.”

“God, you really won’t give this up.”

“‘I have no guarantee that I’ll make it out of this war alive.’” He began reciting his letter from memory. “‘But I do have one promise I can guarantee you. I love you, Sun Jian. I will love you today, tomorrow, and for the decades to come. That’s how long I will love you, my Poppy.’”

Gyuvin stopped in his steps, now merely a foot away from Ricky. “‘Our love will transcend time and decades to come because time is infinite only for those who choose love. So in 10 years after my death, 20, 40, or even centuries later, my love for you will remain untouched but our fate will not. I will find you again and I will fulfill my promise.’”

He offered a hand up for Ricky to take as he pulled him up to stand and look him in the eye, “‘Our fate has wronged us, my love. But I am not afraid.’”

“Why?” Ricky mumbled as the music swelled up, “There is so much to fear about loving me, why are you so dedicated to this?”

“Because I’m not afraid to change the fate I want with you. I am not afraid to love you, Sun Jian.”

Hao jerked up from his seat. That line.

He didn’t remember writing that. He remembered struggling with those last few parts but he completely blanked out on what he did to finish the rest.

Suddenly, Jiwoong’s score, “Stand By Me” started playing.

And then it snapped in his head like a lego piece snapping into place.

Hanbin wrote that line.

The night they first had sex, he briefly showed Hanbin how far he’d gotten and told Hanbin to tweak it if he had any suggestions but he never noticed that Hanbin ever actually did that.

Hao couldn’t help but wonder if that was what Hanbin felt about him and he was right of course.

Hanbin wasn’t afraid to love him that intensely and genuinely and he wasn’t afraid to break these patterns, these cycles, these bad habits if it meant being with Hao once and for all.

He felt his eyes swell up with tears.

He wasn’t afraid now, he didn’t want to be afraid anymore if he knew that it was Sung Hanbin.

His Sung Hanbin.

“I love you, Poppy, and I will love you for as long as time passes by us.” Gyuvin pressed their foreheads together as he held onto Ricky’s cheek, the entire theater held back squeals and tears as the song played louder and louder.

“That’s forever then.” Ricky smiled, letting their noses brush past one another’s, “I’ll love you forever too, Kim Haneul.”

The camera panned around them as Ricky and Gyuvin shared their first on-screen kiss.

It was then and there that everyone in the theater stood up and clapped for the duration of the rest of Jiwoong’s song.

Hao stood up with them and looked around the crowd behind him, searching desperately for Hanbin just like how Haneul searched for Jian in the last few minutes of the movie.

He knew Hanbin was here, he knew that his Sung Hanbin would always find a way to fulfill his promise in one way or another just like how Haneul promised him in the letter that he would find him again.

He tried to search through the sea of faces but the longer the standing ovation for his film was, the more he struggled to find him. But he was determined, he knew Sung Hanbin like the back of his mind.

He would recognize even a single strand of his hair sticking out.

“Ge, this is almost a five minute standing ovation.” Ricky patted him on the back.

“Congratulations, Hao!” Jiwoong and Gyuvin started surrounding him with congratulatory hugs and all.

“Thank you, thank you.” He bowed at them all politely, still trying to look for Hanbin over their heads.

Everything was getting louder and louder, the claps, the hollers, the cheers but then suddenly, silence.

The entire theater went dark.

Hao gasped and froze in his place. He couldn’t see a single thing. No shadows, no movements, nothing but complete and utter darkness.

The projector went off, none of the big lights were on, even the air conditioning turned off. There was a sudden power outage at just the perfect timing.

Just Hao’s luck, really. Out of all the places he could possibly be stuck in a power outage at, he had to be caught in a dark isolated theater. Perfect.

Before he knew it, he was panting, reaching out to grab for literally anything within his reach.

He could barely hear anything but his own panting breaths which made it infinitely worse.

He could feel Ricky attempting to reach out for him and calling him but he kept missing. This was horrible, this was like Nightmare Scenario No. 86 in Hao’s “List of Nightmare Scenarios to Possibly Use in a Horror Movie”. It was right there next to accidentally snorting a fly.

In his head, everything was blurry and filled with screaming and panic but then he heard it.

A voice he would never dare to mistake for any other.

“Wait!” The man screamed, a faint silhouette in the very back of the theatre seemed to run down the stairs hurriedly. “Make way! Make way! Move your asses!”

A small white light started traveling through the crowds and suddenly the only thing lit up in that dark theater.

As the white silhouette moved closer, Hao recognized that exact height. Those broad shoulders, that cinched waist, those long legs, the parted hair with his forehead peeking out. He was dressed in what Hao assumed to be a rented set of a black pressed blazer and matching formal slacks with the same black belt he always wore and a white button up underneath, without a tie apparently.

Hao knew Hanbin must’ve worn it without the tie in an attempt to dress things down.

He knew Hanbin well enough to know that. Hell, he knew that figure well enough to see it in his dreams every night.

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Hanbin parted through the crowd and practically blinded Hao with the headlight on his forehead. “I got the notification from the power company three days ago and I thought this might happen so I prepared in advance just in case because I know you were probably gonna—”

Hao touched his cheek lovingly with the biggest, warmest smile on his face, “Sung Hanbin?”

“Yeah?” Hao held him by both cheeks and watched every surface of his face.

“Is it really you?” He looked him in the eyes, tracing every curve of his eyelids and lashes, the slope of his nose, the pout of his lips. He couldn’t believe this was real, maybe he was still dreaming or something. Maybe this really was a nightmare, Nightmare Scenario No. 86 featuring a very hyperrealistic Sung Hanbin.

But no.

“It’s me.” Hanbin held his wrist and leaned into his touch with a gentle smile. “It’s really me, Hao.”

“You’re,” Hao couldn’t find any words to leave his mouth, “You’re here.” He shook his head. “You’re here, I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Well, I made a promise.” Hao stroked his cheek and held him closer. That was how he knew this was real.

It was real and it was the best thing that could’ve ever possibly happened to him.

“I’m sorry I left.” Hao bit his lip nervously. “I was already on edge worrying about fucking things up and the second I got scared, I left and messed things up.”

“I’m sorry I scared you.” Hanbin said softly, “I prepared that entire day just for me to fuck things up and do something big and meaningful in the most unromantic way possible. I scared you away and I didn’t even try to chase after you even though I desperately wanted to, I was too worried that you might not want me to and I might make things worse and—” He sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I fucked up and you gave me another chance. And I told myself there was no way I wasn’t gonna take it this time.”

“And you did. You made it.” Hao looked up at his somewhat blinding headlight, “And you’re wearing a headlight to the cinema.” He chuckled, recalling their hazy conversations in the bathtub.

“I got you a matching one too.” He tugged on his neatly ironed blazer and pulled out a headlight with a pink band. “And a flashlight as well, just in case.”

Hao took the headlight from him and chuckled as he struggled to put it on.

“I have something else too, I didn’t realize how fitting it was for the movie until I finally saw it but here.” He handed Hao the big bouquet in his hands that Hao didn’t even notice in the dark.

“These are,” Hao took the bouquet and peered at the petals, “Poppies.” He smiled. “You remembered.”

“Of course I did.” Hanbin reached out to help him snap the band of the headlight into place.

Hao continued giggling as he felt something strange bump up against him in Hanbin’s pocket. “What is that?”

Hanbin looked down at his pocket and pulled out a small can of pineapples. “Oh, it’s a gift to remember your first premiere.”

“Pineapples?” He took the can in his other hand and shook his head.

“Well, I did say I was gonna get you pineapples anytime we were gonna have a big memorable thing happen for us. I just wanted to commit to the bit.” He shrugged. “Besides, if tonight goes well then maybe we might be celebrating two things.”

“Two things?”

“One is your premiere and the other is if Zhang Hao, the Hottest Twink Alive™, director of the year, film major of my heart, will do me the honor of becoming my boyfriend?” Hao stared at him and chuckled adoringly.

“You really are one of a kind, Sung Hanbin.”

“Yeah, and so are you.” Hanbin switched on the light on Hao’s forehead as his hands traveled down to Hao’s waist, where they rightfully belonged. “That’s what makes us such a good pair. Like lego pieces, right?”

Hao looked up into Hanbin’s eyes and just knew it.

This was his chance.

Suddenly, everything he had written on paper and put out into a film had taken over him. The fear, the pining, the strength to overcome it, and most notably—the love.

Hao wasn’t afraid anymore.

“I love you, Sung Hanbin.” Hao looked him in the eye and meant it. “I love you and I’m not afraid to say it anymore.”

“I know, baby.” Hanbin pressed their foreheads together and smiled, “You scared me there. For a second, I thought you were never gonna say it.”

“How did you know I was gonna say it?”

“You made a whole film about it and made me watch it, how could I not know?” Hao chuckled and pressed their noses together.

“I love you.” Hao wrapped his arms around Hanbin’s neck, “I love saying that. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love,” He nuzzled their noses together, “My boyfriend.”

He closed his eyes and slowly let his lips fall upon the lips of the man he loved the most as the lights suddenly turned back on.

The projector rolled once again, basking Hao and Hanbin with the light of the film showing off the blue and white skies of the ending credits as the speakers blasted the very namesake of the film, How Long Will I Love You by The Waterboys.

This was the best thing Hao could ever ask for in life.

His perfect movie moment, his perfect movie man, and his beloved movie.

The crowd all clapped upon witnessing Hao and Hanbin kiss while tangled in each other’s arms lovingly.

Their friends all around them clapped and cheered, shouting “finally!”’s and “get a room”’s here and there but endearingly so.

“Thank you, thank you.” Hanbin waved at the people around him. “That’s right, y’all. I bagged the Hottest Twink Alive™! Me! That’s my boyfriend! My boyfriend!” Hao cackled and playfully hit him in the chest with his huge bouquet of poppies.

That night was one night that Hao could never forget.

It was everything he had ever dreamed of ever since he was a little boy. This was the type of love in all the romcoms Hao used to dream of experiencing. The type of love that reminded him of why movies mattered to him in the first place, the type of love Laufey wrote songs about, the type of love Hao wrote these films for.

This was the love he had seen in the movies and by some miracle, it finally came to him.

Notes:

long ass fic and I FINALLY PUBLISHED IT. MY FIRST COMPLETE FIC ON HERE LETS GOOOO.
if ur reading this, congrats u made it!! now both YOU and I can never see a pineapple or listen to a keshi song the same way again 🩷
thank u sososooso much to my twin liah (@wypilled) for betaing this fic and listening to me yap about neul’s horny ass luv u twin <3
thank u to mpreg truthers club as well for helping my indecisive ass w a bunch of the scenes on this!!
also thank u to everyone who waited for this fic kjsbdijobsinbdjii I KNOW IT TOOK A WHIIILEEEE but I hope u guys liked itt 🥹
pls feel free to leave a comment and stuff on here or on my twitter (@neuliverse)💕

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