Chapter Text
The group wandered north, their only goal Washington D.C. They were mostly silent, especially with Carl, and although it wasn’t comfortable, Carl didn’t feel threatened. Any time one of the group would shift their weapons wrong or their gazes linger on Carl for a moment too long, Dad was there, ready with his warm hands to rub Carl’s shoulder, holding him in the moment, in the present. He didn’t do it with Judith, but he didn’t flinch away from her anymore, either. Dad was definitely changed, but not towards Carl. It made it easy to let his hand rest on his shoulder, a reassuring weight. Dad hadn’t made any attempt to take AK back from Tyreese, and Carl assumed that was on purpose to focus all his attention on Carl.
He appreciated it. It made him feel cared for. Carl hadn’t felt cared for in a while. It made him sick in some ways and soft in others. What an odd combination.
Walking in the midst of the group, Carl could almost pretend he was back in his pack. It felt reassuring in a way very few things in the apocalypse were. Although they didn’t smell sick, they all walked bunched together, stabbing, shooting, slicing any stray sickos that wandered close before Carl could even feel threatened. Not once did they raise their weapons at him. Carl couldn’t trust them, not yet, but he at least trusted they wouldn’t kill him now, in front of Dad. That in itself was more kindness than Carl imagined could still exist. The world had changed, but maybe not entirely for the worse. He kept Judith secured tightly against his back, though, just in case.
They stopped at a stream. “Let’s wash up a little,” Dad muttered, picking out another chunk of meat from Carl’s clothes. Carl frowned, but let himself be led into the stream, the water no more than a trickle, so shallow he could see the rocks at the bottom. Dad scooped water up in a bottle, and Carl stiffened as he tilted it over Carl’s hands. Tucking the bottle in the crook of his elbow, Dad gingerly grabbed Carl’s hand, giving him enough slack so he could pull away, but firm enough he could rub the grime out from Carl’s fingernails.
Surprisingly, Carl let him.
“We should wash your coat up some, too,” Dad murmured, picking out more stray little sicko chunks that peeked out of his pockets. He’d already gotten most of the largest globs on the way here. “Can’t be healthy for you, walking around with walker bits all over you.” Carl frowned, tugging his hand away just as Dad tried washing the blood off his wrist. Dad didn’t yank his hand back. Only stared at him worriedly, adoringly. Carl’s stomach twisted. He let the soft bird twitters and tree rustles fill the silence.
“Then I won’t smell sick anymore,” he said when Dad still didn’t seem to get it. Dad frowned.
“You won’t need to smell sick when you’re with me, Carl. I’ll make sure they won’t get you.” Dad poured a little water onto his fingers, tentatively reaching out to Carl’s cheek. Carl let him wipe away the dry blood and tear stains. “At least let me clean your hair? It’ll make you feel better.” Carl bit his lips. Judith gave his hair another tug, right in the massive knot at the nape of his neck. Carl sighed.
“Alright,” he relented. And the group stayed by the stream, picking off stray sickos as Dad washed Carl’s hair. Except it felt nice, so Carl relented again, taking off his sick jacket and letting Dale run it through the stream while Dad rubbed the blood off Carl’s arms, his neck, even the back of his ears. It made Carl feel like a kid again.
Carl refused to take the carrier off, though. Anytime Judith’s hands brushed against Dad’s, he yanked his hands away, leaving a sudden cold spot on Carl’s skin. Carl tried not to let it worry him too much, instead cooing at Judith to get her to calm down, ignoring Dad’s frown every time. Dad tried his best to ignore it too. He dabbed water at the dark brown spots of Carl’s shirt with a cleanish cloth, going as far as to scrape a particularly filthy stain with his nails. The shirt was too damaged to ever be clean, but it was good enough.
It was enough to not make Carl feel sick anymore. Without the grime on his face and hands, he definitely felt more human. Maybe even more worthy of it, too.
“Would you like to hold AK?” Dad asked softly, hand lingering awkwardly on Carl’s shoulder now that there weren’t any more sick bits to pick. Carl furrowed his brows.
“What?” Because no, that was a terrible idea. Carl didn’t want to even look at his replacement, not while Dad was still devoting all his attention and affection at him, let alone hold her. He already had a little sister anyway, and he wasn’t in the mood to replace her, not like Dad replaced him. He didn’t want the moment to be broken just yet. Carl was so filthy, there were surely more guts to clean away before Dad brought his attention back to AK, right? Carl needed him for just a little longer. Then Carl could go back to being alone if he needed to. Because Carl wasn't weak.
“Would you like to hold her for a little while? I think you’d like it.” Dad chuckled, rubbing his thumb anxiously against the course material of Carl’s shirt. “I think it’d be good for you both.” Carl pursed his lips, staring straight ahead into the sparse forest instead of looking at his father. Or worse, Tyreese, with the little white bundle in his arms.
“I… I’d hold Judith, while you do. If you’d let me.” Carl snapped his attention to his dad. He was holding back a grimace, trying to mask it with love, but Carl could still tell. It was the same expression he made when he ate the breakfast Carl made for father’s day five years ago.
No, absolutely not, Carl wanted to shout. But Dad looked at him genuinely, exactly the same as when Carl was his everything. Now, he had a scraggly beard and bloodstained clothes and scars and a red-handled machete at his side, but it was that same damn expression. Carl sucked in a breath, letting Dad’s hand stay as he muttered, “Fine.” Dad’s face lit up. It felt nice to make someone smile again.
Judith squirmed as he slipped the carrier off his back, as she always did. Carl brushed a thumb against her cheek, watching her tiny lips try to wrap around the digit before he pulled away. “You ready to meet Dad, Judy?” he whispered to her. “I told you he’d keep us safe. Don’t be a jerk, okay?” Judith babbled in his grasp, flapping her tiny arms about, and Carl smiled, smoothing down a chunk of her scalp that’d dislodged from her skull. Judith whined and Carl chuckled, holding her out to Dad.
“Thank you, Carl. I… know this means a lot. It does to me.” Despite how strained his smile, Dad’s words still sounded genuine. Carl grinned as Dad tried to accommodate Judith on his hip, the same stance he’d seen him do with AK, although Dad certainly didn’t expect how much Judith would wriggle. He jolted when Judy gurgled, clutching her bony fingers onto his sleeves and latching her mouth on his bicep. He flinched, but let her, giving her an obligatory pat on the back through her clothes and Carl a hesitant look. Carl grinned wider.
Yes. Yes, this is what he dreamed of. Somehow, in the apocalypse, he’d found his happiness. He’d found his family again.
“Alright, your turn, little man,” Tyreese teased. Carl whipped around, suddenly presented with a healthy pink baby. Her blonde-brown hair curled slightly, rooted into her scalp. Her skin wasn’t peeling, her eyes were a frighteningly clear shade of brown, and she babbled, but not like how Judith babbled. It was… less guttural, more whiney. Carl licked his lips, but didn’t reach out to grab her.
“Go on now, Carl. She don’t bite.” Carl rolled his eyes at the joke, but still hesitated. He glanced between AK and Judith, biting his lip as he did so. Would Judith know he wasn’t replacing her with another little sister? Did Dad even expect him to be AK’s big brother? He didn’t want to be. No, he already had a little sister, and Rick already had a son. He scrunched up his nose, turning to Dad. But then his heart sank.
Dad looked so happy. Both my babies back, he’d said. Just like how Carl dreamed of Dad coming to find him, Dad had dreamt of Carl and this little baby back together. Fuck. Carl didn’t scowl, just huffed in resignation. He could indulge his father, if it kept him happy, kept him wanting to keep Carl safe. Carl felt as though Dad loved him, hoped that Dad had never left him on purpose, but still. If it came between Carl and baby AK, the baby wasn’t as fucked up as Carl.
Carl held out his hands. Tyreese gently, so, so gently laid her in his waiting arms. The baby squirmed and cooed, wrapping her little baby finger around Carl’s thumb, but she didn’t yank on it. Just held it. And God, she was warm. She looked up at Carl, meeting his eye in a way Judith never did, reached for his face with a curl to her lips. She was smiling. Oh God, she was smiling. Carl stiffened, but AK didn’t mind, just wriggled deeper into his grasp instead of trying to crawl out of it, trying to latch onto his skin to suck. She seemed content. Alive. Loved.
Carl choked on his breath. AK ignored that. She just kept cooing at him, kept being warm. She trusted him so readily. He glanced up at his dad; the man was smiling, eyes wet and honed in only on Carl. Overjoyed, just like when he’d ran to Carl in the midst of the pack in Terminus only hours ago. Holding AK hadn’t changed that.
Dad’s got me, Carl thought. He glanced down at the wriggling baby in his arms. She was so small, just as tiny as Judith, but even more vulnerable. She was a delicate, precious little thing in a cruel harsh world. Without thinking, Carl clutched her tighter to his chest. AK banged a fist against his chest, but babbled contentedly pressed against the warmth. She was so warm. So full of life. He wanted her to stay safe. He wanted to keep her safe. I’ve got you, Ass Kicker, Carl wanted to tell her. But she was a baby, so he just held her closer. AK cooed and wrapped an arm around his neck, right against his jugular.
Carl felt as though new life was pumping through his veins. What a strange feeling.
Goddamnit. He’d have to be her big brother now, didn’t he? To make sure she never felt alone, never left behind, always protected, just like he did with Judith. Carl shared a look with his father. Maybe Carl was a monster, or broken, or sick, but Dad kept staring at him like he wasn’t. Carl couldn’t get enough of it after going so long without. Carl never wanted to be alone again. He wanted to always feel loved and warm, and now… now he kind of wanted to make sure AK always felt that way too.
Yes. AK might not be able to fend for herself, might be more hindrance than help, but Carl would ensure nothing bad would ever happen to her. She was his family now, Carl decided, but she’d never replace Judith. The rest of the group might’ve been Dad’s family, might’ve saved him without question at Terminus, but they weren’t his family, not yet. AK was different. AK was his now.
“She likes you, y’know,” Dad interrupted his thoughts. Carl looked at him again. He felt warm inside, but not from AK’s touch. Just from Dad’s smile. Carl licked his dry lips again, turning back to AK’s lively face.
“I like her too,” Carl said. And he meant it. And he truly felt more alive than he’d ever felt before.
“This is stupid,” AK whined, kicking up a pile of dead leaves as she dragged her feet. Carl knew she knew how to keep quiet; she was just being obnoxious now. Carl grunted, but didn’t answer, keeping his eye on the forest, whipping his head around at every rustle, every shuffle. Carl was many things, but unalert was not one of them. “C’mon, Carl, I’ve snuck out by myself a whole load of times anyway. I can do it.”
“Yeah, right, like I’d ever let you come out here by yourself after that last stunt you pulled.” Carl squinted through the trees, eyeing a lone walker caught in a tree root, about a hundred feet ahead. Walkers, he called them now, because Dad always seemed so sad when Carl called them sick. Michonne wasn’t nearly as gentle, though. She’d stamped sicko out of his vocabulary mere months after she moved in with them in Alexandria. Goddamn was she tough.
“Ugh. You’re the worst,” AK huffed, crossing her arms and shuffling the carrier on her back. “C’mooon. How am I s’posed to run when I’ve got to carry her around? She’s heavy, y’know. She messes with my balance when I’m aiming.” Judith gurgled on her back. Most of her skin had withered away by now, leaving mostly rot and bone, but she was still just as wriggly as always.
“You be nice with what you say about Judith,” Carl grumbled, holding his machete ready in his hands the closer they got to the walker. “She was in this world before you, and if you keep whining, she’ll be in this world after.” AK huffed again, but stopped her whining. Temporarily, at least. Carl knew there was no way to shut her up forever, or keep her from sneaking out of Alexandria. That was mostly why he was out here, now. He didn’t snitch to Michonne when AK went AWOL, but in return, he had to come with her to babysit.
He also made her carry Judith around. Just in case Carl couldn’t protect her. Judith might not be alive, but she still protected him, and he knew she’d protect AK, too.
It was just what Judith did.
“I got this one,” AK murmured, lining up Dad’s python with just one hand. Carl rolled his eye, but let her carry one, scanning the area for more walkers that might sneak up on them, drawn from the sound.
“Stop trying to show off and aim it right, Ass Kicker.” AK ignored him. Instead, she pulled the trigger, not even stumbling from the recoil. The walker dropped like a stone to the ground. AK grinned and Carl refused to meet her gaze. “Lucky shot,” he grumbled, shoving into her shoulder on purpose with a smirk. AK only grinned wider.
“Uh-huh. Sure,” she said, practically skipping in front of Carl as she whipped her head around, scanning for more walkers. Deep down, Carl knew she was right: she might’ve just been a kid, but AK was capable. She didn’t need him here, and she didn’t need to carry Judith around like a safety-net. She could defend herself from walkers just fine, but Carl couldn’t bear to let her go on her own. No, she was his only family left. Sure, the rest of the group was family, too, and Michonne might’ve been his step-mom, but AK was different. She was his little sister.
Dad promised to never leave him behind again. It wasn't Dad's fault, Carl knew, but the hurt felt just as raw as Shane's. Worse, somehow. Carl wasn’t about to let that happen with AK, and he’d do anything in his power to keep her alive, to make sure she’d never have to walk amongst the walkers, sick in the head. He knew Shane was her father. He knew she was only his half-sister. But he also knew he'd never abandon her like Shane and Lori abandoned him. All his nightmares of blue sedans leaving him had faded away, and in his new night terrors, he was the one in the blue sedan, driving away. Carl would never do that. Carl would always be there for AK. He’d do anything for AK, and he meant anything.
Even give her Judith to watch over her if Carl ever couldn’t. Because Carl loved AK more than the world. And despite everything, she knew it. It's just what Carl did.
Anne-Kate Grimes was ten years old at the end of the world, but she wasn't alone. And she never would be.