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Sirius’s birthday had never been a happy event. He had never woken up in the morning, buzzing from excitement about the day to come. He had never rushed downstairs to hear his family call for him and greet him with his favorite breakfast. He couldn’t even remember the last time that his mother had said the words, ‘Happy Birthday’ to him, when they weren’t surrounded by adults, toasting with alcohol that made Sirius’s face scrunch up.
If anything, he dreaded the day. He’d hid in his room for as long as he could, pretending that he was still asleep, until his mother came in screaming at him for sleeping in. He was dressed up in suits that made him uncomfortable and him squirm all night, though his mother yelled at him for that too.
Sirius’s birthday was always spent surrounded by adults who toasted to the future of the Black Family, by the familiar feeling of his mother pinching his arm hard enough to leave bruises the next day, by his mother getting sick of him and shoving him back into his room and locking the door behind her, sometimes even forgetting to unlock it until late into the next day.
By the time that Sirius went to Hogwarts, he just excited to be able to forget the day all together. To be able to wake up in the morning and go to class and go eat in the hall without ever hearing the words, ‘Happy Birthday’ or ‘Heir to the Black Family.' Of course, his cousins still went to school with him and a year after the first, Regulus went to school with him too.
They would shoot the words at him sarcastically as they passed him in the hallway. Narcissa found him alone in the corridor and shoved him against the wall, snapping the words, “Happy Birthday, Sirius.” Before turning and walking down the hallway again, her heels clicking against the stone tile in a way that reminded Sirius far too much of his mother.
One next the only people who acknowledged Sirius’s birthday in a way that wasn’t cruel and sarcastic was Regulus. He sent Sirius a letter the first year, while he was still at home. It was riddled with spelling errors that his mother would have punished Regulus for, if she had seen the letter (which, Sirius was sure that she did not. There was no way that his mother would let him send it if she had). Then, at the bottom Regulus had signed his name and written, “Hopefully, your birthday is more fun at Hogwarts.”
The next year, Sirius caught Regulus staring at him every single moment that he looked up. He stared at him through almost all of breakfast, quickly and almost frantically looking away when their eyes met. His eyes stayed locked on Sirius though all of Charms class, even slamming into someone because he was too busy staring at Sirius to look where he was going.
He didn’t walk up to him though and when dinner ended and everyone began making their way back to their dorms, Sirius started to think that he wasn’t going to say anything at all. He was walking with Remus and Peter, stealing chocolate from Remus’s pocket as he tried to shove him away, when Regulus jumped out from behind the corner, almost running into Sirius’s chest as he met his eyes with wide frantic ones.
“Sirius!” His fingers fell onto Sirius’s arm as he glanced between Sirius’s friends and then back to him. “Can I- Can we talk? For a second?”
They went into an empty classroom and Regulus had shoved a book into Sirius’s chest. It was a muggle book and even years later, Sirius struggled to understand how Regulus had gotten it. The cover read, ‘The Hounds of The Baskervilles,’ and Regulus had frantically stumbled out an explanation, “It's a muggle book. Apparently, It’s about a detective?” His eyes flickered from the book to Sirius’s face, nervously. “It's a mystery novel and you like stories like that! I thought that you might- I…” His words faltered for a moment and then he blurted out, “Happy Birthday, Sirius.”
It turns out that Remus was a really big fan of the book that Regulus got him. Whenever Sirius couldn’t sleep, they’d curl up in Remus’s bed and Remus would read the book to him. The first line, no matter how cold the night was and how bad the nightmare, always made the tension and fear bleed from his body. “Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night…”
Sirius wondered if Regulus knew how many nightmares his gift chased away.
Sirius hid his birthday from his friends for the first four years that he was at Hogwarts. Somehow, they never caught the remarks from his cousins and Regulus always made sure that he gave Sirius his gifts in private (It was a habit that both of them followed through with for years, until the war began and they stopped speaking for good).
It wasn’t exactly that he didn’t want them to know about his birthday. He just knew that they would be excited about it and not understand why Sirius wasn’t. They knew that Sirius’s home life wasn’t amazing but.. Sirius didn’t like to talk about it and he knew that they didn’t realize just how bad it was. His own birthday was a tainted moment in his life and if his friends knew the day, he’d have to try to explain why he didn’t want to celebrate. Which, he did not want to do.
They didn’t find out from Sirius’s cousins, despite that being the thing that Sirius was worried about. They found out from McGonagall.. or, sort of.
Sirius wasn’t sure how she knew that it was Sirius’s birthday. She never said anything directly but she’d always call Sirius into her office, press warm pastries into his hands and seamlessly find a way to give him some small gift, all without speaking the words, 'Happy Birthday.'
Sirius wasn’t exactly sure why she held herself back from directly acknowledging it. Maybe, she could tell that Sirius didn’t want to talk about it but either way, Sirius always appreciated the gesture.
She brought it up on the third year. Sirius was sprawled on the chair before her desk, the reminisce of the cookies he’d just eaten visible all over his chest. In class, McGonagall was serious and firm but in her office, around Sirius, she relaxed. She was leaned back in her chair, sipping the tea in her hand as she chuckled and looked amused over at Sirius.
She didn’t say ‘Happy Birthday.’ She just asked, “How come you haven’t told your friends about your birthday?” She continued when Sirius simply looked at her. “I know that they’ve probably asked. I’m sure that Mr. Lupin, Pettigrew, Potter would love to celebrate your birthday with you.”
Sirius didn’t say anything for a moment and she didn’t rush him. She simply pushed the platter of cookies towards him and then waited as Sirius reached out and took another one.
Sighing, Sirius looked down and said, “I just don’t like celebrating my birthday. I know that they would make a bid deal out of it.” He smiled softly, though the smile didn't quite reach his eyes at first. “Last year, on Remus’s birthday-”
She cut him off before he could finish. “Yes, yes.” She rolled her eyes but Sirius could see that there wasn't any actual annoyance behind the motion. “You lit the grand hall in fireworks”
Sirius nodded and laughed breathlessly, “Yeah.”
“And you wouldn’t want them to light the grand hall in fireworks on your birthday?”
He wouldn’t but then again, Remus hadn’t either. He’d yelled at them and practically screamed about losing house points and almost burning down the whole castle but afterwards, he had smiled. That was the difference. Remus had been annoyed and panicked but behind all of that, he was charmed by his friends attempts to celebrate his birthday. Sirius wouldn’t be and they wouldn’t understand that. “No.”
She stared at him for a long moment and Sirius felt the same uncomfortable feeling that she could tell exactly what he was thinking about. She was always the only one who made him feel that way, as if she could see his thoughts as plain as if he had said it.
They drank tea and ate the rest of the cookies without mentioning it again. She complained about the new first years and they both complained about the new test regulations that the ministry had set.
When Sirius was leaving, she stopping him in the doorway. Sirius thought that she was going to tell him that he should tell his friends again or that he should let himself enjoy his birthday more than he did but she just said, “Happy Birthday, Sirius.” Then, she let him walk away.
McGonagall didn’t actually tell Sirius’s friends. They didn’t actually find out by her actions but she did make Sirius feel guilty for not telling them. She hadn’t said it directly and she hadn’t tried to make him feel guilty about it but she did. Regardless of if it had been her intentions, Sirius felt bad after that.
They had asked him before, when two years had passed and they had celebrated everyone's birthday except Sirius’s. James made a joke about him not having a birthday and Sirius had snapped and him told them to leave it. They did but Sirius had made them feel bad anyway, just as he felt now.
As he laid in bed that night, he thought that next year he would tell them. He would deal with the excitement and whatever they decided to do because that’s what everyone else had to deal with. It was only fair.
When next year came around, Sirius thought about his birthday all week and he thought about trying to tell them almost everyday. It was stupid. It felt like some big confession that he needed to sum up the courage to admit but it was just his birthday. The phrase would be so simply, ‘Friday is my birthday.’ Then, that would be that. They would know.
It was a confession, though. Sirius had made it into one by refusing to tell them for almost four years. He had made it into a secret when they asked about it and he snapped at them. He had made it into something that caught in his throat, when he let them hear the anger in his voice as he told them to drop it.
He had made something as simple as his birthday into an awful secret. He thought back on his mother and the dreadful parties he had been forced to attend year after year and he decided that a secret was better than an excuse because that’s what his birthday had been before. An excuse. An excuse for his mother to show off their families power. An excuse to dress them in dark colors with sharp edges that cut into Sirius’s skin. An excuse to reduce Sirius to the ‘Heir of the Black Family’ and show him once again, that that's all he was and all he was ever going to be.
In the end, Sirius couldn’t tell them. His birthday came and went, until they were all laying in their dorm room that night. Regulus hadn’t gotten him anything that year but Sirius hadn’t been surprised. He was changing and becoming more and more like his parents with every passing day. No, Sirius hadn’t been surprised when his brother didn’t acknowledge his birthday but it had stung regardless.
Emotions are funny that way. They hurt even if you see them coming.
Sirius crawled into Remus’s bed after almost an hour of laying there in the dark. They had become accustomed to sharing a bed at least three times a week, sometimes more if either of them were suffering from particularly bad nightmares. They had been doing this for a while now. Everyone joked that Remus and him were dating, more than that, they joked that they were in love.
Sirius wasn’t quite sure if he was in love with Remus and the man had never said that he was in love with Sirius. They hadn’t even talked about if they were dating or not but neither of them dated other people and sometimes, Sirius would take Remus’s hand while they were eating and he never pushed Sirius away or even let go first.
Remus was awake when he crawled into his bed but he didn’t say anything. He was laying on his side, curled up facing away from Sirius. Sirius could see the scar running across his shoulders and down his back from the past full moon, when his skin had split open and then not healed as quickly as it normally did.
They laid there in silence for a long moment, until Sirius shuffled forward and pressed his face against Remus’s back. He could feel Remus’s shallow breath as his chest hiccuped in reaction to Sirius’s touch.
Remus whispered softly, “Bad dream?”
Sirius moved closer and gently rested his hand on Remus’s hip, not pressing completely against him but staying close enough that he could feel Remus’s warmth radiating off of him and warming every fiber. “No..” Sirius replied, airily. “Today was my birthday.”
Sirius had been panicking over those four words for almost a week now but they came easily when it was just Remus and him. A bad dream. Sirius chuckles softly but it wasn’t very funny because the memories that had played in his head all week, of his mother's stark red nails in his arm and the Heir of the Black Family , chilled him more than any distorted nightmare would.
Remus pulled away from him and for a moment, Sirius thought that he was going to move to the other side of the bed and leave him alone but he just rolled over to face him and then shuffled closer again, when Sirius didn’t move.
Remus met his eyes and this close, Sirius could see how sad he looked. He wondered if it was because of him. He wondered if he shouldn’t have said anything at all. Then, Remus leaned forward and presses his lips against Sirius’s forehead and for a few moments, the only thing Sirius thought about was how safe he felt there.
Sirius thought that he would ask why he hadn’t told them or yell at him for hiding it or even wake everyone else up but he didn’t do any of that. He just pulled away and whispered, “Happy Birthday, Sirius.”
They laid like that for hours, neither of them sleeping but neither of them willing to admit that they were still awake. Even when Sirius laced his hand with Remus’s, the man didn’t open his eyes. He just tightened his grip and eventually, the pretending lead way to actual sleep.
Even years later, that night remained Sirius's favorite birthday. He remembered the feeling of Remus again him. He remembered Remus's lips against his head and above all, he remembered the feeling of realizing that perhaps he was in love with Remus Lupin and that just maybe, he was in love with him too.
Apparently, James had been awake the night before. Sirius woke up and for a few blissful seconds, the whole world seemed to align perfectly. His hand was still holding Remus’s. Their bodies had curled closer in the night and normally, Sirius would move away before Remus woke up but today, he didn’t. He didn’t care if Remus woke up and found Sirius’s body pressed against his and moments later, when he did wake up, Sirius still didn't move.
They had a moment of meeting each other’s eyes with equally as sleepy but happy expression and then Sirius was hit by the curtains on the bed being thrown open, James' voice loud and excited, screaming, “Happy late birthday, Sirius!”
Sirius caught Peter’s guilty, worried look as he sat on his bed. He caught James’ excited look as he raised his wand and then, Remus’s bed lit on fire and everyone started screaming.
Remus had to sleep in Sirius’s bed for a week, until he was given a new one but neither of them complained.
The next year, on his birthday, Sirius woke up to a less catastrophic but no less loud and startling event. That night, he sat in the professor's office as they were all screamed at for what James alone had done. James had looked over at him, guiltily and then later, he had begged apologies about ruining Sirius's birthday but Sirius wasn't mad. All that he could think about was that he had missed out on three of these. Three birthdays surrounded by the people that he loved more than anything.
Sirius never dreaded his birthday again, even knowing that all four of them would probably have detention for the week following.