Chapter Text
Regina’s point of view.
Once upon time there was an obstacle. An obstacle that caused me problem after problem, making my life a mess. People I loved turned away from me, not that there were many. People that feared me began to stand up to me and slowly I found myself with a ton of other obstacles. I watched as the world I had created and maintained for just under 28 years crumbled around me. The most painful of it all, was almost losing my son Henry. I had always loved him, but he was doubting that love. I assumed that I was simply repeating my parents’ mistakes.
So, he went and stood by the obstacle, one that he had found to come and fight me. I was alone and hurt but I deserved it. For all of the mistakes I had made in the past, the horrible things I had done to people and my need for control and power had consumed everything. I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t even realise I was pushing my son away. The moment he left was the moment my heart broke. No, it wasn't, it was when I had tried to get rid of this permanent obstacle in my life and accidently put Henry in harm's way. He doesn't need to know, but I will never forgive myself for that. It was the second time my heart had broken, and yet it was more painful than the first. I suppose because in the end, Henry meant more to me than Daniel, though Daniel meant a great deal. I spent hours crying myself to sleep for months, wishing I had done things differently. But even magic couldn’t change all the hurt I had caused.
Then one day something very odd happened. The obstacle, now known as The Saviour, she stood by my side against all the people she had allied with. Stood with me against her parents, against her friends, but by our son who refused to believe that I was only pure evil. I owe him my life. I was utterly shell-shocked, though no one could tell. I had learnt how to conceal my emotions long before entering this realm, to anyone else I seemed ungrateful of their kindness. Henry and his mother didn't see me in that light; The Saviour changed minds…about me. I was hating her and grateful to her at the same time. I wanted to rip her heart out of her chest and say thank you all in one, since that was all the positivity I could muster at the time. I was still battling demons and there was so much hatred left to contend with, kindness wasn't on the spectrum of emotions that I had at the time.
I realized that maybe if I tried to change, tried to fight my life-long demons, then I could get my life back, and so began the days of heroism. It helped that part of being a hero at the time meant that I was going to be helping to save Henry, by far the most important person in my life, but I also wanted to prove that I was going to try and be better for everyone. Even though many people were still against me, I eventually found that there were others willing to stand by my side. Henry and his mother, the first to accept me, as already stated. Along the way somehow even the Charming's decided I was worthy of their appreciation. The Saviour then became my friend. Miss Emma Swan, with long blonde hair that used to piss me off. I referred to her as ‘Miss Swan’, as I always had, never hinting to anyone that I thought she was really the saviour. She was certainly mine.
Until I didn’t. Until I started referring to her as Emma, the playful 'Miss Swan' gradually dying away. Slowly Emma became a more prominent part of my life. She and our son had forgiven my past, despite her parents’ anger that continued to fester for me. I should have known they wouldn't truly accept me, but their appreciation was a start. Emma became a friend. I noticed much more about Emma as time continued to drool on. She had a certain confidence that intrigued me. Not only did she strip everything away from me at the beginning but she also gave it back, then invited me into her life to fight battles with her. We sure did fight, people from realms we hadn't even heard of, people too close to home for comfort, people I still didn't trust. Rich of me.
I soon found myself in a difficult situation with feelings that I couldn’t place. I was dating Robin and though I had strong feelings for him, they didn’t compare to what I felt for Emma. It seemed she didn’t feel the same though, she had started dating Captain Hook and it was hard to watch the look in her eyes when they glanced in his direction. I had no chance. Besides, what I had with Robin was a good thing, familiar, close to what I had with Daniel. He has all of these different attributes: loving, kind, strong, brave, a true believer in me. They attracted me to him. All of these reminded me of Emma. The difference was I was only in love with one of them.
Another year passed, and another heartbreak followed. Robin was stolen from me. It's true that I didn't love him romantically, but he was still my closest friend and I cared about him dearly. I started to fall into a deep depression, avoiding leaving the house, crying a lot, trying to distance myself from the world. It was so appealing to just turn and run away, however I had never been one to take the easy road. If I had Storybrooke would never had existed. Thankfully Henry was by my side the whole time…as was Emma. They were forever pestering me and dragging me out of the house. Although I hated every minute of it, I realised I had begun to heal, unfortunately around the same time as Hook proposed to Emma. My heart broke...again. But I knew I couldn’t say anything.
They married. They went to their honeymoon together and they came home again. Which brings us to now. It brings us to unspoken feelings and continuously shattered hearts...or heart, I suppose. Maybe one day I’ll be able to confess my feelings to Emma, but it won’t be today.
I put the small book in the cabinet beside my bed, closed the door and waved my hand slowly over the wood to seal it, making it look like a simple nightstand. I may be a hero in most people's eyes now, but no one was going to find out that I have a diary. I was thankful for my silk green night gown, courtesy of Zelena. It gave me the comfort I needed and I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped two olive skin coloured arms around them. My entire diary was basically filled with thoughts of Emma, my thoughts in the day were also clouded with her, obviously. All of the things I could’ve, maybe should’ve done differently. No. It wasn’t should’ve. I wasn’t going to ruin Emma’s happiness for my own…ironically.
I lay down on my king-sized bed, my knees still drawn close to my chest. It was too big for one person but until I had someone to share it with, I guess it would belong to me only. The duvet was a deep, rich red which contrasted well with the dark brown wooden posts at each corner of the bed. It was comfortable, it always has been, but insomnia had decided that it would reveal its’ presence tonight. I didn’t want to think about her again so I tried to focus on more important things, things that would need to be done the following day. Eventually though, as always, my mind drifted to Emma. Emma beside me, Emma on top of me, underneath me. Her lips pressed against mine, my hands tangled up in that long hair, her soft skin grazing my own. Green eyes staring intently at me, a small smile tugging at the edges of her mouth as her hands drifted over my body, exploring parts of me that even Daniel couldn’t connect to.
I realized that the thoughts along with my hand, that I hadn’t realized had made its’ way to where it was, had done their job. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up before laying on my side under the duvet again, praying that after such unexpected excitement, I would finally be able to sleep. Again though, intrusive thoughts of Emma invaded my mind and again I was forced to face up to my most recent regrets.
There were so many times that I could've said something. The time we took Henry to go see that awful movie together, I refused to see any other movie after that… Or the time we bumped into each other at the library until Belle had gotten in the way and wanted to talk to Emma, or the time we had dinner at Granny’s to catch up. If only I would’ve said ‘Emma, there’s something I need to say…’ At least that would’ve been a start. But even then, where would I have gone after that? ‘Emma, I don’t really know what it is I’m trying to say, but I find you absolutely gorgeous and I think about kissing those lips of yours every night… I think about kissing other parts of you all the time too but that probably isn’t appropriate past the age of twenty…’
I rolled on to my back and sighed. Closing my eyes, I tried to force back the stray tear that had dripped down to the corner of my mouth. I should have told Emma sooner that I had feelings for her…except I couldn’t because I didn’t understand what they were until she and Hook were well into their relationship. All of those times I could have told her I probably would have, had she not have been dating Killian at the time.
Emma is happy now. She has a husband, who she loves dearly from what I gather, and she lives in a nice house with him and soon she’ll probably be having children with him. The thought disgusted me, I found a frown forming on my lips. She wouldn’t want me even if I did go after her. Why would she want me when she has all of that to go home to? What if I told her how I feel, and she turned her back on me? I would be losing the only friend I had ever wanted or truly had, though recently it felt like I had already lost her anyway. What if she didn’t turn me away? That just made things more complicated. This is just another scenario when everyone else is better than me.
I turned over again. Even if Emma was into me, which I highly doubt, how would we explain everything to everyone? Emma decided that she didn’t really love Killian, despite marrying him and living with him, instead she would like to date me for a while. No not for a while, I had already lost one love, I wouldn't lose another. Henry will finally have two parents in the same household and we could probably be happy, which was a big positive, despite the thought of trying to explain to him would be...interesting at least. ‘Yes Snow, I am dating your daughter, are you going to try and stop me?’, ‘No we didn’t sleep together while the two of you were in a relationship, Killian. Don’t worry, you can keep your pride,’
That was another thing, why, out everyone she could’ve picked, did she pick that filthy, slang-speaking, slouching pirate? He’s so unintelligent and unromantic and unworthy of her. Not that I was any of those things. Every time a plan is presented he has to pipe up with some imaginary reason that would impact on the plan negatively. A lot of the time he would come up with excuses that meant that Emma would have no action in the plan either. It got to me. Not only was he treating her like a fragile fucking doll, but he was taking her further away from me! Work was one of the only chances we had to spend time together and although I would like her to be my girlfriend, she is my friend first. I miss her.
Hook seems to have won though. I barely see Emma anymore. None of us do. She went from being the heroine and socialite of the town to an almost retired sheriff/shitty housewife from lack of action in the field. My mouth turned downward at that. Emma was good at her job, she didn’t need anyone to tell her what to do. It baffled me that she let him just boss her around so easily.
There’s no denying that there must be something special about the man though, at least in her eyes. Maybe he was indeed a secret romantic who whisked her away to far away seas on his ship without the rest of us getting to know about it, or maybe it was the fact that, though to my dismay, Henry adored his new step dad. Or maybe he was good in bed. Whatever it was it made Emma happy.
I rolled over for what I decided would be the final time. Tossing and turning and thinking about Emma wouldn’t help me get to sleep. The digital clock on the bedside table shone brightly into my eyes. 1:30 am. I sighed. Time to sleep Regina, tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.
Emma is married, Emma is happy.
But that wouldn’t stop me from thinking about her.