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Every time without fail, his presence was magnetic. Every time the cycle repeated (and sometimes it took several days to loop- those were the most dangerous timelines) Stefan got more and more focused on the one thing that never changed.
Colin Ritman. The Colin Ritman.
His name swarmed his mind at all hours, his eyes trained to focus-in on bleach-blonde hair and poor posture. Every day that passed Stefan learned a little bit more. He no longer focused on Bandersnatch, instead focusing solely on his idol, his mentor, his icon Colin. Yes, he still tried to figure out different paths once he had realized the loop had reset (one morning he had decided to make his father and himself some french toast for breakfast, it was a nice change of pace), but no matter what, he looked for Colin. Was Stefan becoming creepily obsessed? Probably. But despite all of the creeping, sneaking, trespassing and stealing that he had done to learn even a sliver more about the man, Colin always regarded him with a knowing smirk. Colin looked at him the morning they were officially introduced (and every other morning) with eyes that knew Stefan had thought about kissing him. Eyes that knew that Stefan had tried.
There was nothing Stefan wouldn’t do for Colin. The one time he had decided to stop by his therapist’s office to talk about Colin, she was scared for him. “You’ve projected your admiration for this man who you had not known before onto this very real man, who is now your superior. You seem to almost… Worship him, Stefan. No matter how things turn out, you’re walking down a dangerous road.” She was worried, legitimately worried. Stefan had nodded, the thought of Pax running through his head before he walked out, ready to find Colin again and reset the loop.
Half the time when he touched Colin, he understood. They melded into one being and had the most mind-blowing time ever, and every time Stefan thought that that was it, that was the stable timeline. The one he could stay in. But he always woke up in his own bed on the 9th of July, Relax pounding his eardrums. The other half of the time Colin looked unsure. He looked… scared, if Stefan had to put a name to it. Those timelines always ended in the balcony. Whenever Stefan was upfront with his feelings, they seemingly skipped right to the balcony to all of Stefan’s protests. Stefan had tried to kiss him once, but all he got was Colin’s pained expression as he guided them both to the balcony. Stefan had chosen to jump that time.
Stefan had started to chant his name like a prayer in his head as his father expressed the same confusion over Bandersnatch in the mornings. The thought of Colin is all that got him through each day. Seeing him sitting at his desk fiddling with Nohzdyve and imagining his own freefall filled Stefan with comfort. He listens to Thakur make the same tired ‘Kajagoogoo’ joke that he makes in every loop, but he watches Colin’s face. Seeing him emote, even slightly, is deemed a win in Stefan’s book. Colin glances over, catching Stefan’s eyes.
“We’ve met before?” Colin frowns, familiarity on the edges of his eyes. He’s thinking, and Stefan never knows when it’s good or not. He panics, muttering a soft ‘no’ before turning back to watch the screen.
He faces his head and body towards the screen, but watches Colin instead. Stefan decided to count his freckles (like he had done in a very good timeline previous) and give the automated responses he had given the past million-trillion-bajillion times before. But this time, instead of hitting the error message, Colin, the Colin Ritman, messes up. He glances over to Stefan’s staring glare, his neck reddens, then…
He loses. At his own game. Stefan finally feels powerful. He doesn’t have to touch Colin to get his attention, he only needs his gaze. He needs his focus. This is what will get him out of the loop. The eyes of a God.
If Stefan had spent what had felt like months looping the same depressing tracks with only Colin as a centerpiece and was going to continue doing so, he might as well get some reciprocity. He dares himself to be as distracting as possible.
He messes up the loop he was doing so well on, of course. But that doesn’t stop him from waking up the next cycle with the word Colin on his lips, immediately sitting up and getting ready for the day. He puts on his nicer jacket and his sole pair of fitting pants, and walks out the door with two slices of toast in hand, purpose fuelling him more than anything else. He decides to go with the flow and listens to The Thompson Twins, smiling all the way to the Tuckersoft offices.
He marches up to the doors confidently, meets Thakur, nods, follows him to Colin, and instead of letting Thakur tell his stupid, overdone fucking Kajagoogoo joke, he instead taps his fingers on the desk in front of Colin and introduces himself. He looks…. Shocked, to be quite honest. That new expression puts some of Stefan’s natural awkwardness back in place, but he now has another facial expression for the books. If nothing else good happens today, the knowledge that he shook his own God to the core gives him hope.
They return to the normal pace of the loop, Colin booting up Nohzdyve. Stefan decides once again to stare, once again getting Colin to lose at his own game. This prompts a response that had somehow went unheard before- Thakur’s arrogant laughter and his booming voice accentuating Colin’s failure.
“Yeah, that was a Colin Ritman special there for ya, Stefan. It’s called ‘scare your boss into a false sense of security’, and it’s workin’.” Colin glances dryly at the now quiet Thakur.
“Uuhh, well, Stefan if you can follow us so you can show us your demo, that’d be great.” Thakur pats his shoulder heavily, moving him quickly to the demo room. Colin stands slowly, a small smile gracing his lips as he watches Stefan being dragged away.
Stefan works the controller, leading them to Pax. Stefan had thought for a brief moment about changing the name, but then it would have been too obvious. Thakur would have asked questions.
Colin calls the shots, telling Stefan not to worship Pax. Ah, so he must remember some things, Stefan had learned that much at least. He follows Colin’s orders, denies Thakur’s offer, and then follows Colin out. His fast-track down the best route to go.
“What do you listen to?” Colin asks.
“Hmm?” Stefan likes this short thread of conversation, no matter how pointless and dumb it is. To be inquired about by Colin is always fun.
“To get into the flow.”
“Oh, music.” Stefan watches him reach his desk, fall into his chair, and before Stefan can continue, Colin grabs a piece of paper, scribbles something down on it, folds it in half, and shoves it in Stefan’s direction.
“I know you’ll like Phaedra better, but here are some other options.” He sounds put-on, as if someone had told him what to say (the thought puts unease in Stefan’s gut- the idea of Colin Ritman taking orders from someone always made him uneasy), or like he was covering his own tracks. Stefan nods, tucking the piece of paper in his coat and leaving. He spares one more glance back at Colin, his attention already turned back to his screen. But Stefan knew. He spotted the wayward knee-jiggle that he did when he was anxious- learned from many, many different timelines, good and bad- and Stefan smiled.
“I’m defrostin’ mince!” His father tells him excitedly as he gets through the front door. Stefan smiles weakly, craving to read what the bloody hell was on the piece of paper Colin gave him. Stefan nods, giving his father a light rundown of what happened. He graciously takes the mince-covered hand, immediately washing off afterwards.
“Alright dad, well I’m going to work upstairs for a bit.” He mumbles, restraining himself from running up the stairs two at a time. He reaches his room, closing his door and falling backwards onto his bed. He reaches into his jacket pocket, unravelling the piece of paper gently.
Meet at my aptmt tonight. you know where. tell your father that you’ll be stopping by the office to finalize details.
See you then.
Stefan smiled, looking down at the note. So that’s what his handwriting looks like , he thinks. Maybe this timeline was working out in his favour.
The path to Colin’s apartment had been ingrained in his brain from all the times he had chased after him (and a few times snuck over, but Colin didn’t need to know that). He walked up to the door knowing that he could probably just walk in and startle Colin, leading to a new facial expression. But before he could act on his ideation, Colin opens the door. Stefan always loved when he got to go into Colin’s apartment, even though most of the time it meant Kitty, Pearl and death by balcony. Oh well, at least he got to lean into Colin and smell whatever it was that made him smell so goddamned good. Is that weird? Yeah, probably. He thought.
“We’re not going into the living room, whenever I step in there I can feel that well-worn path. We’re going to my room.” Colin makes no room for argument. Stefan gladly follows.
Colin sits down cross-legged on his bed, gesturing for Stefan to do the same. He follows, trying to tamper down his blush from his previous memories on Colin’s bed. Colin notices of course, but politely keeps his reaction down to a cocky smirk. “So,” Colin starts, “spill. What’s your plan.”
“Well, in the beginning it was to come out sane, which led me back to the 9th of July again, so then the next time I decided to… Go a bit off the rails, which led, once again, to 9th July. Then I started exploring, which. Um. Has led down many paths.” Stefan looks away awkwardly, blushing again. He hears Colin chuckle.
“Oh yeah? Well what’s the plan now, Stefan?” He grabs another roll up from his pocket, casually lighting it.
“Well, uh, the plan now is, uh… Do what I want. Do what feels right.” He looks back over to Colin, and at his interested look, he continues. “The narrative wants something. The person in control wants something but I can’t quite decipher what the hell it bloody wants!” He huffs, slowly growing louder. “In one timeline, I finished Bandersnatch without killing anyone, I got five stars, and I still looped back to the 9th of July to Thakur’s stupid, goddamned, Kajagoogoo joke! ” He blinks a couple of times, realizing his anger. “S-sorry. Got a bit… Carried away.” He tugs on his earlobe anxiously.
“You’re fine, Stefan. But, what do you want?” He leans slightly in towards Stefan, exuding confidence. He blows smoke out of the side of his mouth casually. Oh, he definitely knew about all of Stefan’s favorite timelines. He heard a small voice whisper in his head, he knows that you like it best when he controls you. He knows that you like to feel small and protected, he knows that every time he left marks all you wanted was for them to show up in the next iteration. He knows that even when he killed you, you’ve always loved him. Will always love him.
Fuck fuck fuck , there was no easy way to tell the man he adored and worshipped that he would love to be just as important to Colin as he was to Stefan, and oh, wouldn’t it just be lovely if Stefan could get that lovely dick up his ass sometime soon? Oh you know, just in case the loop reset soon.
Who was he kidding? His silence probably spoke the same volumes as the chatter occupying his brain. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, finally getting out one small word: “...You.” Stefan was somehow not ashamed enough to close his eyes, and he was blessed with a look of utter happy surprise gracing Colin’s features. Stefan’s heart felt like it had grown ten times that day, because God, was he in love.
“In all the timelines I remember, you have never been this confident and upfront. I’d say that’s something to celebrate.” Colin rises from the bed, stretching his back slightly. He tilts his head in Stefan’s direction. “You still like all that crazy shit we’ve done in the last few timelines?” Stefan nods mutely. Colin smirks. “Good. I’ll make some eggs or somethin’, should probably tell Kit to go take Pearl to her girlfriends, maybe she could tell people we’ve been fighting, then she could stay for a few days at least.” He makes towards the door, turning towards the bed and gesturing for Stefan to follow him. “C’mon Stefan, your whole awkward-innocent act is cute and all but I’d like to have some time to tease you first.”
“Who- who said I like to be teased, huh? Maybe I’m secretly super dominant.” He straightens his posture on the bed, looking Colin dead in the eyes. Colin laughs.
“Love, there is not a dominant bone in your body. That’s why the omnipotent thing controlling you makes you do crazy shit- cause it’s something you’d never do otherwise. You have photos in your house of you playing little league baseball, digging up dandelions in the outfield.”
“Since when did you know that?” Stefan asks, partially laughing and partially embarrassed.
Colin smiles kindly, leaning against the doorframe. “You think you’re the only one that’s been sneaking around? During some of the timelines I’ve snuck into your house, mate. We’re both insane, that’s why this timeline’ll let us stay. Maybe they want to see us be crazy together.”
That shocks a laugh out of Stefan, who slowly climbs off the bed, walking to Colin’s side. He crowds against Colin in the doorway, greedy for Colin’s touch. Colin runs his hands up and down Stefan’s sides, a dreamy smile on his face. Stefan wraps his arms around Colin’s shoulders with one last demand for the night. “Colin, kiss me.”
There was no motion towards the balcony, no mind-altering hallucinogens. Only them. Two Gods in one fucked-up reality.
The next day Stefan woke up, a calendar bearing down on him. Today was July 10th, 1984. He smiled.