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“Dr. McCoy?”
Sigh. “Yes, Captain?”
“Remember back at the Academy, I met a Deltan midshipman at a Christmas party and brought her back to our dorm for the night?”
“Yeah.”
“And you, as a sick joke, decided to plaster my side of the room with holographic pamphlets of ‘Reasons to Go On: Living with an Irreversible Micropenis?’”
“…Yeah.”
“I didn’t get any that night.”
“No, Jim. You didn’t.”
Leonard chanced a sideways glance at his good friend, but the Captain was staring straight ahead. Leonard returned to staring straight ahead too.
“Remember I told you that little stunt was unforgivable?”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Well, I changed my mind. This is unforgivable. Compared to this, the Micropenis Incident is like drinking milk out of the carton, or double-dipping the guacamole.”
Leonard sighed again. “Look, Captain…”
Jim’s mouth twisted in an exaggerated frown. He shook his head. “Now don’t get me wrong, Doctor. No one’s perfect on this ship. We’re all human, more or less. It’s ok to make mistakes.”
He turned and looked at Leonard for the first time since they’d arrived in Sickbay. He looked like he ate a lemon. Or black licorice, which in Leonard’s opinion, was disgusting. “Granted, you don’t go around grabbing rifles, start firing them out of moving shuttles, and shooting my First Officer on the eve of our anniversary.”
He paused to deliver a glare at Leonard’s sheepish face. “Which you did.”
“Jim, I…”
“Which you totally did.”
A few hours ago, surface of Calliope IV:
“What’s the holdup?” Leonard yelled towards the cockpit.
“The planet’s magnetic field’s making it hard to navigate!” Sulu yelled back.
“Well hurry up and set us down!” Leonard peered out the viewport of the shuttle down at the clearing they were circling, where Kirk and Spock were battling an indigenous beast they encountered on their latest planetary excursion. “They’re getting their asses kicked!”
Sulu cursed and struggled with the controls. They descended another few meters, but were still a long way off from reaching the two Starfleet officers on the ground.
Kirk, bloodied and dirt-crusted, took a running leap at the grizzly bear-unicorn-lizard hybrid the natives called a Qurta, and planted both feet in its stomach. Spock followed up by leaping on its back as it reeled backwards and applying a two-handed Vulcan nerve pinch.
That only served to infuriate the Qurta, who flailed until Spock was dislodged, tumbling into a nearby ditch. It swung a paw full of steak-knife claws at Jim, who dodged, but just barely.
“How’re we doing?” Leonard shouted at Sulu.
Sulu said something nasty in Japanese. Whether he was cursing the planet’s magnetic field, the outdated nav system, the universe in general, or the indigestion he had from lunch, Leonard didn’t know. Obviously, they weren’t getting there anytime soon.
His mind made up, the doctor keyed in the code for a nearby weapons crate and pulled out a phaser rifle. Trying to recall everything he remembered from his Academy sniper training, he clicked the precision scope into place and popped open the shuttle’s side hatch.
“What’re you doing?” Sulu yelled frantically, fearing a misfire or a ricochet. “Doctor, I can’t keep us steady enough for that!”
Leonard got on one knee, braced, and took aim.
“Stoppit!” yelled Sulu. “Staaaahhp!”
Crosshairs firmly in the center of the creature’s torso, Leonard pulled the trigger.
The Qurta let out a piercing death-roar and dropped like a bag of bricks.
“Bull’s-eye!”
However, Leonard’s congratulatory fist-pump was cut short when Spock dropped as well, facedown, a green stain spreading across the back of his trousers.
Even from up high and over the sound of the wind, Leonard could hear Jim’s agonized “Spock! No!” as the captain ran for his fallen lover.
By the time Jim had finished ripping Spock’s pants open, the shuttle had landed. Leonard ran out with his medkit, heart pounding.
“I believe I will live, Captain,” came Spock’s voice, dry but pain-laced. “The wound is superficial.”
“Bones,” said the captain, turning to Leonard in outraged disbelief. “You shot Spock in the ass.”
Present time, Sickbay.
“It was only a graze…” Leonard began.
“You shot Spock. In the ass.”
A few feet away from them, Spock stirred slightly on the biobed, where he lay face down in a light doze. His bum was slightly elevated so the regenerator could fix the damaged tissue.
“Yes, but I saved your life, you ingrate,” growled Leonard. “You’re standing here because of me. You’re welcome.”
“I had plans for tonight,” Jim growled back. “Big plans, involving Spock’s un-phasered ass.”
Leonard groaned and massaged his temples. “Spare me the details. Look, you can still have sex. A few days later, and he’ll be right as rain.”
“Tonight was our anniversary, Bones! We were going to have Anniversary Sex. That’s the third best kind of sex, after Spontaneous Turbo-Lift Sex….”
“Gross.”
“…and After-Hours Sickbay Sex!”
“What.”
“You heard me.”
“… I’m going to get the sterilizer.”
“I’m going to check Starfleet guidelines to see if I can court-martial you for this.”