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It should have rained during the funeral.
Pepper knew that it was silly when she stood there with her daughter and watched how the Arc Reactor and the flowers were pushed into the water, but nevertheless, she could not help but wonder why it was not raining. Every time she had read about the funeral of a beloved one in her books, both when she had read for herself and for Morgan, it had been raining. But it seemed that the world was not aware of that, for the sky remained blue, almost like it wanted to create beauty around her as a way to make the pain leave her. Or perhaps it was to remind her of the fact that, despite everything he had done, Tony would not be there to see it, would never be there to see it again. Pepper honestly could not say what would be worse.
Above her, she could still hear the sound of the helicopters, and although Pepper knew that she should have expected it—there had been an official, grander, funeral in New York, but of course the news about how the family and friends of Tony had planned a private funeral would still attract journalists and paparazzis—she pulled Morgan a bit closer towards her like she could shield her daughter from having to face the truth that, even after he was dead, Tony was still not able to avoid the press entirely.
As the Arc Reactor disappeared, the sun reflected by the water making it impossible to look directly at it anymore, Pepper turned around and made her way back to the house. It had been their house, had been supposed to be their house, but now, it seemed that it was just her and Morgan’s.
Someone placing their hand on her shoulder made Pepper stop, and she turned around, halfway already prepared to let a poor journalist who seemed to have figured out how to avoid the security know that this was not something she would ever be willing to share with the rest of the world, how she would personally make sure that any newspaper that printed any photos of the funeral would not be able to get a word in during the court case. But the person having interrupted her was not a journalist, Pepper realised that the moment she had turned around to find herself face to face with a boy she had only learnt about moments before.
Harley Keener.
Although she had first heard the name shortly after Tony had first begun to see a therapist, when he had told her about the kid he had met who had then saved his life, and had nodded along when he had talked about how he had to make sure that he would be able to receive an education, build more potato guns, Pepper had not fully been able to understand that there was a person behind the name until she had had to go through Tony’s things and see the number of letters that was kept securely in a little box under his desk. After that, it had only felt right to call the number written in the letter where Harley had talked about his newest improvements of a potato gun and let him know that he was invited to the funeral. It had been what Tony would have wanted, and if Pepper had had any doubts about that, they had been dispelled the moment Harley had arrived, immediately sitting down to tell Morgan about how he had once aimed a potato gun at her father, much to her delight.
But now he was standing here, looking directly into her eyes, with the same kind of pitying look that Pepper had received too many times during those past days. “I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do—”
“There isn’t,” Pepper said. And perhaps her tone was too harsh, a sharp edge to it that should not have been there considering that, in that moment, they were all there because they had lost someone dear to them, but she simply could not make herself care about that, nor could she make the iciness disappear, “there is nothing you can do now. Goodbye.”
For a moment, she thought that Harley was about to say something, but then he nodded, once, and stepped aside to let her move past him, towards the house. Already, Pepper could not wait for the moment where she would be alone. As long as the guests where here, Morgan walking next to her, the look in her eyes telling Pepper that, while she did perhaps still not quite understand the finality of death, she had realised that her dad was nowhere to be found, she had to at least try to maintain a collected façade, but the moment the last guest would have left and she would have tucked in the duvet around Morgan, Pepper wasn’t sure if she would be able remain calm anymore.
The door slammed behind her, and it felt nice to have that barrier between herself and the rest of the world.
+++
It was evident that Pepper was not able to contain her grief. She had hoped that she would be able to spare her daughter from seeing her fall apart completely, but already a week after the funeral, Pepper knew that it would not be possible. Morgan slowly pushing open the door to her bedroom—it was hers now, hers and only hers—to jump up into the bed only made her even more certain that, despite the way she had spent years being scrutinised by the world around her, when she was faced with something she would not be able to solve by telling the people responsible that Stark Industries was able to hire the best lawyers in the world and then make a couple of calls, while frantically trying to figure out what Tony was doing now and why there were half a dozen reporters trying to ask her about his whereabouts, Pepper truly did not know what to do. The press she could handle. Even Thanos, despite all the pain he had brought along, seemed much more manageable to her right then than even something as simple as answering her daughter as she reached out to touch her cheek before calmly stating that she had cried.
But she had to, so although Pepper would rather have pretended to be asleep, she stayed strong. For her daughter’s sake.
“Yeah,” she admitted, and wished that her voice was not still broken after having spent most of the night crying to herself, “I have cried.”
Morgan tilted her head. “Because of dad?”
Hesitating for a second, Pepper wondered what she could possibly answer. In a way, she supposed that she was right. After all, if Tony hadn’t died, then she would not be here. If he was still with them, perhaps Pepper would be sitting in the couch in the living room with her book, looking up from a particularly interesting paragraph as Tony stepped into the room to let her know that they would have to find a better place to hide the Rescue helmet. Slowly, Pepper nodded. “Yes, because he isn’t here anymore.”
After that, it did not take long before Pepper could tell that Morgan had fallen asleep, her even breathing being the only sound in the room. It should perhaps have been soothing, but right then, Pepper would have given everything to hear the sound of Tony fighting with his newest invention, metal screeching as he did his best to make it do what he wanted it to. But no matter how much she wished, looking out into the darkness, hoping that, if she only waited long enough, then the door would open to reveal that Tony hadn’t died, he did not return.
As she lay there, Pepper could almost see it happening, how Tony would walk through the door, have one look at her and then ask what had happened and why they were looking like that when he had only been gone for a moment to pick up a couple of spare parts for one of his projects.
But of course, that did not happen. They were alone, and although Pepper had once sworn that she would stay strong for her daughter and not let her see her cry, not even Morgan’s presence was enough to make her stop sobbing as Tony remained dead.
+++
They got almost two weeks of peace from the press. Pepper wasn’t sure if it was because someone at SI had let people know that, after the helicopters that had circled the private funeral, they would not hesitate to sue anyone who tried to overstep their boundaries, or if the press really did fear her the way Tony had once claimed they did, nor did she care. All that mattered was that she was able to ignore the way people looked at her the few times she had gone back to the city since Tony’s death and that no one had tried to talk to her, instead appearing to do their best to move aside as she walked towards them. The fact that she already knew that the people around her were doing their best to avoid her meant that she could keep her gaze fixed on her shoes through it all, only looking up when she thanked the cashier and took her groceries. It was easier that way since it allowed her to somewhat ignore the murals that decorated most of the walls throughout the city. The knowledge that she would only have to look up to see the faceplate of her husband’s favourite suit stare back at her was more than enough to make it so that she often had moments where the only thing she was able to do was to cover her eyes and take Morgan’s hand as she ran back towards the car to let Happy take them back home. Pepper felt no need to make it even worse by forcing herself to look up at Tony’s face that seemed to decorate almost every surface around her or to willingly walk to where a statue of him had been presented to the public only a couple of weeks after his death. No, Pepper was content to ignore the fact that her grief was not only her own, but one she shared with the entire world as well.
Perhaps that was why when it all ended and a journalist shoved a microphone in front of her face during one of those weekly trips to the nearby supermarket, Pepper could almost not understand what the other woman was saying, blinking rapidly as she shot her an expectant glare, seemingly not sparing a thought for the way Morgan tried to hide behind Pepper, stepping a bit closer to her as the journalist smiled again, revealing her perfect teeth.
“I am sorry,” Pepper finally said as she regained the ability to speak. Although she already knew what was happening, part of her could not quite believe what she had just heard, “what did you say?”
It appeared that the journalist did not notice the way Pepper’s tone rose a bit, silently warning her to simply ask her about the future of Stark Industries, what she and Morgan where doing out here after they had not been seen for a week, anything other than what Peeper already knew she would ask about, for she smiled at her and repeated the question. “I was wondering if I could perhaps ask you a couple of questions about Tony Stark.”
“I am not sure I understand what you mean.” a chuckle that sounded much more like a sob than a proper laugh made its way up her throat, but it seemed that the journalist missed even that.
“Uh, well,” she looked at Pepper like she could not believe that she had felt the need to ask for a reason, “he is a hero, and I am sure that many would like to hear if he had ever mentioned anything about his plans of how to save the universe while talking to you. I mean…” her eyes flickered up to Pepper’s face, then down towards Morgan, and when she spoke, Pepper knew that the slight hint of barely hidden contempt was not an accident, “you did love each other, didn’t you?”
The world felt like it was spinning around her, all air being forced out of her lungs. From someplace far away, Pepper was aware of how Morgan tightened her grip around her hand a bit, but although she knew that her daughter had noticed the edge to the journalist’s words, right then, the only thing Pepper knew was that she had to get away. She would not be able to stay here with the questions and the insinuations for a moment more, not if she did not wish to give the journalist a reason to declare that she was somehow the villain in all of this, that Tony had sacrificed his life for the universe and that she did not care about it at all.
Rationally, Pepper knew that the journalist was only looking for a good headline and that she was giving her exactly what she wanted when she stepped closer towards her, letting her voice drop so that it was barely more than a growl, but she could not have cared less about it as she glared at her. “No. Tony never told me about his plan. Do you want to know why?” Pepper did not give her a chance to answer. “Because he had never planned it. Tony saved the world because he had spent the last years of his life absolutely terrified of the threat from space, so when it finally arrived and he got another chance to save everyone, no one would have been able to convince him not to do it. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that he had sat down with me to tell me that he would not hesitate to sacrifice himself if he thought it would save the world, for he never told me about it.”
Once, if they had merely been discussing Stark Industries and the latest merger, Pepper would perhaps have been impressed by how little time the journalist required before the surprised look on her face had been replaced with the usual fake smile, but right then, the only thing she wanted to do was to run towards the car, and had it not been for how she knew that if she did it, the photos on the front pages the next day would all show her and Morgan, she might have done it. But since Morgan was still hiding behind her, Pepper forced herself to stand still.
The journalist raised an eyebrow, everything about the gesture perfectly rehearsed. “It is just that people are wondering where you have been. Did you even know about the statue?” she pointed in the direction of where Pepper knew she would find the statue of Tony standing, wearing the suit and with the helmet in his hands. “There was a ceremony when it was unveiled, but you were nowhere to be seen. Can you explain why?”
“Because I was grieving. I had lost my husband and my daughter had just lost her father. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go.” Pepper did not wait for her reaction before she pushed her way past the journalist, making sure to stand between her and Morgan as she all but ran back to the car.
+++
“I don’t know, I just—I miss him.” Peter sighed.
As he sat there on their couch, holding the Web-Shooters in his hands, flipping them around over and over again, Pepper was slowly beginning to almost regret having invited him in. When he had first shown up at the door, with the puffy look around his eyes telling her that he had cried recently, she had not hesitated to ask him to come in, knowing that it was what Tony would have wanted, but now it seemed that the only thing their conversation had done was making both of them feel even worse.
But she made sure that the thought was not visible on her face as she nodded at him. “We all do. But it will get better. We just have to find a way to continue with our lives now that he is gone” there was not much conviction in her words. Although it was what her therapist had told her during almost all of their meetings, Pepper still had moments where she doubted if anything would ever be enough to make the hollow feeling in her chest disappear, the temptation to simply call her secretary to let them know that she would not be available for the immediate future, and that she might possibly never be again, feeling so strong that she often found herself standing with her phone, her fingers hovering just above the buttons as she tried to make herself place it back down on the table.
However, even if Pepper was not able to convince herself, it seemed that she had at least managed to help Peter a bit. Pulling the sleeve of his sweater down to cover the back of his hand, he wiped his tears away and sent her a thin smile. “I know. Aunt May keeps telling me that as well, but it’s just… I live in Queens, and, well, his face is everywhere. On the buildings, on the buses… it feels like I can’t look anywhere without seeing a mural with a couple of candles and flowers underneath, and I just—I can’t help but be reminded of everything every time it happens.”
That, Pepper could understand. Though she did her best to avoid areas where she knew Tony’s face would be plastered onto every surface, something that often felt impossible to do, it still happened that it would catch her off guard, that she would have found herself looking at a book, almost forgetting about what had happened and why she could hear people whispering around her, deciding that she had to tell Tony about some minor thing she would never remember what had been afterwards, only to look up and be met with the sight of the Iron Man helmet painted onto the wall of the building across the street and suddenly remember how that was all that was left of him now.
Leaning in over the table, Pepper tried her best to blink away the tears before Peter would notice them. “If it helps, I think you aunt is right,” she said, halfway relieved, halfway saddened by how Peter looked on the verge of tears just like she did, “it will get better. It has to.”
Maybe Peter understood that she was trying to convince herself much more than she was trying to convince him, because he shot her a quick look and then nodded. “She probably is. Aunt May is right about a lot of things. Actually, I think you might want to meet her; she is really good at talking to you when you are sad. Here,” he reached into his pocket for his phone, “I can call her and tell her that you would like to meet her if you want.”
It was the last thing Pepper wanted. Talking to Peter’s aunt, someone she had barely met, only exchanging a few quick words with her several weeks ago when she had come to pick up Peter after the funeral. But with how Peter was looking at her, the tears and sadness fading a bit to instead be replaced by a hopeful look as he held out his phone towards her, Pepper knew that she would not be able to tell him that, no, she did not want to meet his aunt, she did not want to talk with her about Tony and how she still could barely make herself leave the house in the morning, in fact, if the rest of the world would simply leave her alone to let her wallow in her own grief for the rest of her life, then Pepper would be happy.
So she nodded. “Of course, she sounds lovely.”
Peter beamed as he pressed the phone to his ear, pausing for a moment to tell her that he would call his aunt right now, and it did make her feel a little bit better to know that she had at least succeeded in making one of them feel a bit better, even if Pepper was already dreading the moment she would have to sit down with May Parker to discuss the death of her husband with someone who was practically a stranger to her.
+++
Pepper had wanted to try her best to at least give off the illusion that she was okay, that she did not spend most of her nights crying in her bed that was too large for her alone, that most of the days, the only reason she forced herself to swing her legs over the edge of the bed and step out of her bedroom was the fact that she knew that Morgan needed her now more than ever and that Pepper would die before she would give her daughter another reason to cry. But fact was that she still walked into the café with her gaze fixed on the floor and her hair in disarray, sitting down in the chair across from where May was already seated at the table, the cup of tea still sitting on the table in front of her letting Pepper know that she had been there for a while.
“I am so sorry,” Pepper began, “I don’t know what happened, my alarm clock, it must have failed me, I—”
May interrupted her with a single, piercing look that made Pepper feel like it would have made her able to look into her soul. “You didn’t want to meet me, didn’t you? You are late because you woke up this morning and just knew that you would rather stay in bed and cry than actually leave the house and go to meet someone you don’t know to talk about… what has happened, right?”
“Right.” Pepper nodded. There was no reason to even attempt to lie. Not only because she was sure that she, with how the tears were still waiting for the first moment to return and how her face still showed how it was only a few hours since she had been sitting on her couch, hugging her knees and doubting that she would be able to push herself to stand up ever again, would not be able to hide the truth, but also because May deserved better than for her to attempt to lie to her. After all, here she was, having agreed to try to talk with a stranger. The least Pepper could do was to at least try to be honest.
“No need to feel bad about it,” May said and from how she looked at her, Pepper knew that she had guessed at least a bit of what she was thinking, “I know that I would have felt the exact same way.”
“Oh, do you…?” she wasn’t sure how to properly phrase the question, so she let it trail off, leaving the meaning hanging in the air between them.
With a tiny smile, May nodded. “My husband.”
“I am sorry.” although she had spent the months that had passed silently cursing each and every one who told her that, almost wanting to yell at them that they were empty words, just another sentence that people would say to one another in an attempt to make themselves feel better, to feel that they had helped, it seemed that when Pepper was faced with the situation of having to comfort someone else, she wasn’t much better herself.
But May simply smiled. “Don’t be. I have had time to come to terms with it since them.” Pepper did not get a chance to wonder whether May simply was kinder, more forgiving than her, or if she was perhaps better at hiding her annoyance, as May leant in over the table to continue. “But, right now, I know that it feels like it is never going to get better for you, doesn’t it?” when Pepper nodded, May reached out to take her hand, and for some reason, Pepper let her. “I promise you that it will become better one day. It won’t be right now, it won’t be tomorrow, and it most likely won’t even be this year, but one day, it will stop being the first thing you will think about in the morning.”
Pepper ended up agreeing with her. It was easier than to try to argue, and after having spent most of the morning crying, unsure of what exactly had caused her to sit down on the couch to weep while clutching one of Tony’s ties close to her, Pepper doubted that she would have had the energy to protest if she had wanted to.
+++
She wanted to be angry. She really did. It would have been so much easier if Pepper was able to look at the Avengers, at those who had been supposed to protect the world, the ones who had failed to defeat Thanos along with her husband, the ones who had then barged back into their lives when they needed Tony’s help, and feel how the anger made her heart beat faster, but when she opened the door one morning in March to find Sam Wilson standing on the porch, an unsure smile tucking at the corners of his lips, she just felt empty. Here he was, the first of the Avengers to visit them since the funeral. Of course, Pepper didn’t doubt that she would be able to find numerous articles about the ceremonies that had taken place during the first couple of months after Tony’s death to honour the world’s fallen hero and how the Avengers had participated in the more official ones, but, to her, all the fancy speeches made by people who had never known Tony weren’t worth much.
So when she saw Sam, Pepper merely raised a brow, the question that was left unsaid between them obvious to both herself and Sam.
Sam cleared his throat. “Hi. I was just wondering if you were okay. You know…” Sam shifted his weight from side to side, his gaze flickering back and forth between each side of the doorway, clearly trying his best not to look at her face, “after everything that happened.”
“Well thank you for stopping by then,” Pepper said, letting her icy tone tell him exactly what she thought about this visit, how it had taken months before it had ever seemed to dawn on any of the Avengers that she might not be okay, that it would never be okay again after they had come to tell Tony about their plans for how they could get a second chance to save everyone, knowing full well that he would never have been able to say no, not when he thought he knew of a way to bring back those who had been lost, “as you can see,” she pointed towards herself, and now she could see how Sam wasn’t able to miss the fact that her clothes were crumpled, and her hair a mess, “I am doing just fine, but thank you for thinking about me.”
“Pepper, I—” he stood still, dragging his feet over the wooden planks of the porch, and although Pepper had sworn that the moment they would come back, the second one of the Avengers would come to her, she would let them know exactly what she thought about them and how they had got Tony dragged into the mess once more, she could not let Sam stand out there anymore, not when everything about him, the way he did not even attempt to look at her, instead keeping his gaze firmly fixed on the porch beneath him, shifting idly from one foot to another, told her how he was regretting what had happened.
With a sigh, she stepped aside and pointed towards the room behind her. “Please, come in. I don’ want you to become ill by standing out here for too long.”
“Uh,” Sam looked up, and for once, he did look at her even if it was only for a moment before his gaze continued towards how she gestured for him to come inside, “I don’t think it would be right of me. I mean, after everything that has happened…” he let the sentence trail off, but Pepper already knew what he meant. After everything that had happened, after what the public had named the Civil War, after having spent most of their time apart, only for the Avengers to pull Tony back in again, a decision that eventually cost him his life.
With a sigh, Pepper shook her head. “Tony is dead. He won’t mind you coming inside. Besides, if he was here, I think he would have told you that you are welcome here.” at that, Sam shot her a disbelieving look, so she added. “I mean it. You weren’t here, you did not try to make him come back to make another attempt at saving everyone when he had finally found peace. Trust me, if Tony was here, I know that he would have agreed with me when I say that no one will mind that you come inside.”
That seemed to make the decision for Sam. He smiled at her as he stepped over the threshold, pausing for a moment to cast a glance at his surroundings. “It is a nice house,” he commented, shooting her a small smile, “I mean, I had heard about it from Steve, but I wasn’t sure if he could properly remember it. Growing old usually leads to memories no longer being as vivid as they once were.”
And there it was. Pepper had discovered the reason why he had come to the house. Steve. In a way, she supposed it was nicer that Sam was at least honest, mentioning Steve the moment he stepped into the house, rather than attempting to sway her with empty words of how great and brave Tony had been, something Pepper had already listened to countless of times when she had found herself with no other choice than to attend one of the charity galas hosted by SI. But then again, it was so typical of how everything about Tony usually also had to be about Rogers as well, with Sam now coming up here, at least having the decency to not just barge into her life like he had the right to walk right in like it was his home as well, before he told her the real reason for why he had come.
But if he wanted to be polite, then Pepper could be as well. She returned the smile with one of her own, letting the distaste be expressed through her voice alone. “And how is Steve?”
“Steve is…” Sam reached out to lift up one of pictures sitting on the shelf next to him, making sure to properly inspect the photo before he continued, “well, he is Steve—only old now.” Pepper could tell how he swallowed, clearly already knowing that what he was about to say was a bad idea, but continuing nonetheless. Pepper had to admit that she did at the very least admire his courage. “He—I have talked with him a lot—Bucky and I, we have tried to talk with him, to understand what happened, why he decided to stay.” Sam shrugged. “I can’t say that it has resulted in a lot of answers, but it seems that he wants to talk with you, or at least he has mentioned you a lot lately, talking about how he has to remember to visit you and Tony.”
“Visit me and Tony?” Pepper parroted, the idea of that happening making the familiar warmth of anger spread through her veins. “Why? Does he not remember how he—does he not remember everything that has happened?”
Sam shook his head. “I don’t think he does. From what I can tell, he only remembers that he and Tony did not talk for a while, but every time I try to make him tell me more about the reasons for that, he just… he kind of grows distant and begins talking about Peggy instead. But he seems to want to apologise, and since he can’t talk with Tony, I thought that maybe… well…”
“You thought that he could talk with me,” Pepper finished for him, “you thought that Steve could talk with me so that I could tell him that it will be okay.” she could see the answer in how Sam cringed. Pepper agreed with him. When expressed like that, the idea seemed ludicrous, and she only paused for a moment to truly give Sam the chance to realise that himself, before she levelled a glare at him. “Forget it. That will never happen. If Steve truly does not remember, then tell him that he should consider that a blessing that many of us would like to receive. Tell him to enjoy the decision he made, because he won’t be able to change his mind now.”
At least Sam did not try to argue with her, the look of discomfort on his face telling her that he already knew how that would be her answer before he had even gone to her house, as he looked down at the floor. “I thought that would be your answer,” he finally said, “and I can’t say that I blame you, not after… everything that has happened between us. Well, I should probably go now.” when Pepper did not say anything, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, Sam turned around and left just as quickly as he had arrived.
Pepper stood in the doorway for longer than what she would have liked to, looking after him as Sam got into a sleek car that was parked in the driveway before driving away.
+++
Perhaps there had been a bit more truth to what Sam had said about Steve being old, for when Pepper leafed through the newspaper a couple of weeks later, opening on the page of the obituaries as it seemed to have become a habit for her, she spotted the name Steven Grant Rogers. It appeared that he had died in his sleep.
Pepper sat there for a while, both unable to make herself read the text underneath the name, but also unable to tear her gaze away. So Steve had died. Once, Tony had woken her up in the morning to tell her that he had thought about it and that he had arrived at the conclusion that the serum might have made it so that Steve would not age. Then, Pepper had simply groaned slightly and asked him if he had got any sleep, already knowing that the answer would be a no followed by Tony’s special kind of smile, the one that never failed to make her forget about the latest meeting he had missed, how he often seemed to be so far away from her whenever she would call him, and how the suit he would wear made him a living target. Now, she just felt empty. The knowledge that he had been wrong, that the serum was not the key to eternal youth would once have made Tony nod a couple of times before he would have left to head into the lab to work on his projects until he would barely be able to stand from the lack of sleep, both the pain of knowing that Steve was gone as well as the curiosity that always seemed to fuel him for once leaving him as sleep would grant him a couple of hours of rest.
But Tony was gone, and now Steve was as well. Pepper did not know how to feel about it. As Morgan climbed up on the sofa next to her, pointing at the name, Pepper knew that the story her daughter needed was that of Steve, a little boy from Brooklyn who had wanted to stand up to bullies, so that was what she told her, but as Morgan returned to the book she was trying to decipher on her own, Pepper could not help but feel that the story she had told her daughter was just that: a story.
She received the invitation to the funeral a couple of days later. Sam’s name decorated the envelope, and Pepper was sure that he had been to the house to deliver it personally, the footsteps she could not recognise forming a path between the house and the road telling her of his troubles with deciding whether or not to hand it to her or to leave it in the letter box.
Pepper hold onto the letter for a couple of minutes, allowing herself to imagine her and Morgan standing outside in the rain with Sam and Bucky as they said goodbye to a man who had been a friend to Sam, a brother to Bucky, and an almost complete stranger to both Pepper and Morgan, someone they had only heard about from Tony and, in Pepper’s case, talked with for less than an hour. Then she made her decision.
The flames in the fireplace were hungry. It barely took them a second to devour the letter completely.
+++
Sam did not return to the house after having left the letter, but Pepper was still able to somewhat maintain an idea about what his life was like. The first time she had switched on the television to see an interview with Sam, him standing next to a journalist, wearing the widest smile Pepper had seen grace his face in a long time and holding the shield, Pepper had almost not quite believed it. After how they had discussed Steve, she would have thought that he would have told her about having been given the shield and having decided not to let the role of Captain America die with Steve. But it seemed that she had been wrong, for Sam answered each and every question the journalist sent his way, managing to maintain a relaxed façade through it all. Pepper didn’t know how he did it. Here she was, barely able to function, having all but yelled at the first journalist to ask her about Tony, and yet Sam was able to laugh and joke with the interviewer when the situation called for it while becoming serious again a moment later. Had she not known better, Pepper would have said that he had not been to one of his friends’ funeral only a week before. But then again, with what he had told her about Steve, Pepper supposed that Sam might have said goodbye to him a long time before Steve had physically died and Sam had had to be at the funeral.
The interview did not give her the answer to her questions, but she did learn that the world had continued on even though Pepper’s had stopped the moment she had known that Tony was no longer there and that he would not blame himself anymore when she cried, Sam having received the honour of the city building a statue to praise all he had done for them. The journalist made sure to mention that it would be placed within walking distance of the statue that showed how Tony Stark was still protecting the world, letting her tone of voice show how she regarded that as an even greater honour than what the statue itself represented.
Pepper still made sure to sit down that evening to write a letter to Sam. She did not lie when she congratulated him on the statue.
+++
There had been a time where Pepper had thought that the worst thing about death would be the fact that it was final, how, once a person was gone, those who were left behind would have to try to figure out a way to continue after their loss. Now, she knew better. As the one year anniversary of both the greatest battle and the loss the world mourned the most grew nearer, Pepper knew that the worst thing wasn’t the fact that she would never be able to look up from her book to walk over and listen to Tony talk about his newest idea, using his hands to express what he felt words weren’t quite enough for. No, the worst part was the fact that she was starting to forget. At first, it was something small, simply the fact that she paused when she went to the store to buy new shampoo for herself, finding herself lost in the rows of shampoos as she looked at two different brands, suddenly unsure of which one Tony had preferred, but it grew. Soon, it was her not knowing what fruit had been Tony’s favourite, and after that it was his favourite book, the way his eyes would twinkle when he laughed, how he was always able to come up with a joke at the worst possible moments, how his voice sounded, how he had held her hand when they had been in the hospital with Morgan. Before long, Pepper found that, without the aid of a picture of him, she was unable to properly recall what Tony had looked like.
But forgetting meant acceptance, or at least that was what Pepper hoped it meant. If she could simply forget about him and everything they had lost, then perhaps she would no longer have to look directly at the ground whenever she dared to return to the city where she knew that murals of Tony and Iron Man would still cover every wall and how flowers were still regularly left underneath and the artworks and in front of Stark Industries’ Headquarters.
She started the task of going through all of the things Tony had kept, most of his things having been thrown into box after box in the weeks after the funeral when Pepper had still been unable to look at any of it, boxes that Pepper now slowly dug through, trying to figure out what all of the things meant. Pepper was not sure what she had expected to find, but the sheer amount of letters she found buried among the shirts and half-finished plans for new projects was not one of them. A short glance at them told her that they were all letters from Tony rather than letters he himself had decided to keep. Most of them were for her, and Pepper slowly made sure to place them next to her, not trusting herself to be able to continue with the task if she first allowed herself to sit down to read them, but she found several for Morgan as well, a regular mountain for Peter as well as a thick stack for Harley. Although she searched for one, she could not find the one for Steve she had seen Tony spend hours with, sitting at the table while she had read her books, trying to figure out which word should follow the next one. Pepper supposed that Tony had decided to take the secret of what it would have said with him into the grave, and if that was what Tony had wanted to do, then she would not try to look for it.
In the end, Pepper was left with several boxes of old letters, pictures, books, diaries, and the suit Tony had worn to their wedding. The rest of it, she either donated or simply threw out, and although she had known that it would not make the feeling of loss disappear, it did make her chest tighten a little less as she looked around the house and knew that she no longer had to go through the boxes and face the person they had all lost.
+++
The house was too cosy for her. Pepper realised that one morning as she walked into the kitchen, for a moment having to stop and wonder who had decided that they needed to be surrounded by wood wherever she looked, with even the view out of the windows mostly showing her the forest around the house. It was a house for the newly married couple she and Tony had once been, and though Pepper had been just as excited about it when they had first moved in, having taken care of most of the paperwork just to have something to use to convince herself that it really was real when she would wake up in the evening, halfway certain that it had only been a dream, that Tony was still kidnapped, now, it only reminded her that they were no longer the happy family they had been when they had bought the house. For although Pepper was slowly finding the strength to resume her usual life, making sure that Morgan would not have to see her cry like she had done during the funeral, and she could see that Morgan was slowly beginning to grow used to the fact that, although the other children at her school often hugged their dads goodbye in the morning, she wasn’t able to do the same, the pain of waking up each morning to find that the other side of the bed was still cold, the duvet still lying flat on top of the mattress was something Pepper knew she could remove from her life.
And so she did.
Peter was the first to know about her plans. Pepper wasn’t even really sure why, but one day, Peter was sitting on the couch, having gone to visit them during the weekend, and Pepper simply blurted out the fact that she knew she would have to move back to the city.
Peter almost dropped the mug of tea he had been holding, and it wasn’t until then that Pepper fully realised just what she was doing and how, only a few months ago, the idea of leaving the house she and Tony had bought together would have seemed absurd to her.
“Uh,” Peter began, stammering a bit as he tried to figure out something to say. Pepper couldn’t help but smile. In the time that had passed since Tony’s death, she had come to understand just why he had looked so happy when he had mentioned the dream about them having a child, with how Peter made it a habit to visit from time to time, mostly sitting down with Morgan to help with her homework, and how she still received letters from Harley, telling her about his newest ideas for inventions and how he was doing at university although they had barely known each other before the funeral.
“What do you think about it?”
“I, uh,” Peter took a sip of his tea and Pepper could see how he tried his best not to wince as he had seemingly forgotten about how it was still scalding hot, “well, it’s just, isn’t it complicated? When Aunt May had to move last year, she spent ages looking at different flats and talking to the neighbours, and you seem like you just want to leave right now.” the silent question of whether or not Pepper had really thought about what she was doing clung to the air in the room.
She could understand his concerns, she really could. Just the night before, Pepper had found herself changing her mind every other minute, at once both wanting to stay in the house for the rest of her life, clinging to the memory of tony, while also knowing that, if she ever wanted to find happiness again, to be able to wake up in the morning without the first thing she thought about being Tony and whether or not the day would be one of those days where she stayed at home, ignoring her responsibilities at SI to instead cry, she would have to move, to find another home where every single cranny would not instantly remind her of Tony.
So she shrugged. “It will be, but I just know that I have to do this, both for myself and for Morgan.”
“I can understand that,” Peter nodded, “when Uncle Ben died, well, I—I spent a lot of time at Ned’s house since it was easier than going home. Hey!” he jumped up from the couch, barely remembering to place the cup down onto the table before beginning to gesture wildly, the light in his eyes telling Pepper that he had just got an idea. “You could talk with May about it! I know that she would be more than happy to help, and since it is only a little month since she moved, she will probably still remember most of it. She could help you find a new place to live!”
It did not feel right to say yes, to admit that, although she was an adult, had a child now and should really have been able to handle it on her own, the idea of being able to talk with someone about it all did seem tempting. Not only because Peter was still rambling about how much time his aunt had spent sitting in front of the computer, comparing the different options and trying her best to find the one that they would be able to buy without it also being much too small for them, but also because that, as much as Pepper didn’t like to admit it, would rather have said that she had been able to put herself back together again on her own, May’s advice had been correct. She still woke up, halfway about to reach out towards the other side of the bed to see if Tony was there or if he was in the middle of an equation, working on a project that would not be able to wait for tomorrow, but it was getting better. And for some reason that made it all worse
But, in the end, she found herself agreeing with Peter, and it did not even sound all that forced when she agreed to meet with May Parker the next Friday.
+++
“So,” May placed the plate on the coffee table in front of Pepper, walking around it to sit down next to her on the couch, “Peter told me that you and Morgan where thinking about moving.”
“Yeah. I haven’t really had the chance to plan it, but I just knew that—”
“That you would have to get away from the spot you had been in when you lost him.” as Pepper shot her a surprised look, trying to figure out how May had been able to figure out her reasons for wanting to find a new place to live so quickly, May simply laughed before crossing her legs. “I know that feeling as well. When Ben died, I had days where I stood outside the front door for ages, unable to muster the strength to step into my own home.”
Maybe it had not been a good idea to visit her after all. Although Peter had assured her that May would not mind Pepper coming to her to ask for help, right then, Pepper wasn’t able to tell if the fact that May averted her glance, looking at the spot next to her on the couch rather than Pepper, was a sheer coincidence or if it was to hide that Pepper’s visit had brought back the memories from that time, and that she might perhaps now be trying to hide the tears that such a thing would no doubt summon.
“I am sorry—” Pepper began, but she wasn’t able to finish the sentence before May had shook her head, waving her hand at her to show that there was no need for that.
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago, and right now, we have to find a new place for you and Morgan to live. Did you have anything specific in mind, a spot you want to be close to, perhaps something about the size of your new home?”
“No,” Pepper said, “No, I haven’t really had the chance to think things through too much. I just know that I can’t stay in that house any longer, not when I can still see the spots where some of Tony’s inventions have left notches in the wood.” it felt so silly when she said it like that, the very idea that Pepper was able to maintain control of the situation even when Stark Industries struggled, but couldn’t do something as simple as telling herself that the mark in the kitchen counter didn’t mean anything, that it might have been created by Tony when the monkey wrench had slipped, hitting the side of the counter before landing on the floor, but that it did not give her any reason to look at it and then find herself unable to tear her gaze away as she tried her best to recall the way Tony had laughed when he had turned around to tell her that he might owe her a new counter, almost feeling laughable.
But if May would ever have agreed with her, she hid it well when she reached out to place her hand on top of Pepper’s. “Okay, so you don’t have any specific things in mind?” she squeezed her hand ever so slightly, and for some reason, the small sign that she was there, that someone did care about her, was enough to make Pepper feel how the tears where returning again. She had to blink them away before she was able to even shake her head. Thankfully, May did not comment on it, instead continuing. “Well, if that is the case, then I suppose you might want to look at this building. I know that our neighbours were thinking about moving to Canada, and I think that they are already in the process of trying to sell their place, so that might be something for you.” casting a glance towards the door, May leant in closer and let her voice drop to a whisper. “I know that Peter has talked about that quite a lot. If you ask me, I think that he is hoping that you will move into the place next to ours so that we can become neighbours.”
Pepper cocked her head. “Really? He hasn’t mentioned that to me.” the idea that he would want them to move in so close to his aunt was… Pepper wouldn’t call it unrealistic, but she had to admit that she struggled to see the reasons for why he would want that. Already, she could feel how there was something unsaid in the air between them every time he visited, how there had been since they very first time they had seen each other after the funeral, when Peter had tried to apologise, having decided that he was somehow to blame for what had happened during the battle. Though she had tried her best to convince him that Tony had returned to Earth to tell her about how brave the Spiderling had been, Pepper could feel how Peter had nodded along to the stories because he wanted them to end much more than he had done it because he agreed with her. And now, he wanted them to move in, to move in next to his aunt, something Pepper still wasn’t quite sure what to think about.
However, it seemed that May already knew the answers to her questions, for she simply laughed as she gestured towards the wall next to her, where Pepper assumed the neighbours were currently living. “Yes, I think that he has almost come to think of Morgan as the younger sister he had always wanted, or at least he acts like that. You should see him right before he gets ready to visit you—he runs around here, trying his best to make sure that he has remembered everything, but he always has to check one last time to make sure that he has remembered her favourite pencil.” May chuckled. “So, really, when he called me to let me know that you had agreed to talk with me about moving, I had to remind him that you might not want to move in here. Because I really can understand if you don’t. Although this isn’t that bad, all things considered, the noises from the road outside are kind of loud sometimes—not enough to wake you up at night, but still enough to be annoying. So if you don’t want to, don’t hesitate to say so, I know that I can explain it to him.”
When Pepper had first stepped out of the car and gone to open the door leading to the staircase that would take her to May’s home, she had been sure that she would try to find a place to live that would be closer to Stark Tower, somewhere where she would be able to get to work quickly once she had reached a point where she was able to do that every day. But now, as Pepper looked around and tried to imagine what the room on the opposite side of the wall would look like, for some reason unable to picture it as anything but an exact copy of May’s living room, she knew that it was what she wanted. She wanted to move into that picture she had formed in her mind, she wanted to be able to listen to the sound of cars passing by and people yelling at each other all day. But most of all, she wanted to be able to talk with Peter and May without first having to plan it. Pepper knew that she was too old to want to cling to someone and to know that she could tell someone about how she felt without fearing that they might simply tell her that more than a year had passed since Tony had died and that she had to pull herself together now and take care of her daughter, but that was nevertheless part of the reason why she shook her head at May’s words.
“No, I would love to live here,” she said, and although it might just be wishful thinking, she was almost completely certain that she saw May’s smile widen a bit, “I—this place looks lovely, so if it is anything like this on the other side of that wall, I would love to live here. Though,” she tried to laugh and was pleasantly surprised by how she barely had to force out the sound, “I should probably make sure that the neighbours won’t mind.”
“Oh, believe me,” May smiled at her, moving a bit closer to her, “we would love for you to move in.”
That made the decision for her, and the next month passed by in a blur of visits and talks with the neighbours and their estate agent, but by the end of it, Pepper was able to show Morgan to her new bedroom, knowing that Peter and May had both volunteered to help her unpack all of her possessions.
+++
Life continued. Pepper had known that, she had been forced to admit it when Tony had first disappeared with those around her telling her in hushed voices that his chances weren’t good. But it was not until she found herself faced with a situation where she knew that Tony was dead, when there was no longer any doubt in Pepper’s mind that this was not something Tony could escape and that he would not come home one day to reveal that he had somehow managed to survive without any of them noticing it, that she was forced to admit that he was gone and would never return.
The truth hit her an early Sunday morning, only a few weeks after she had unpacked the very last box, placing Morgan’s favourite picture, the one where Tony had been about to lift her up before she had tried to lift him as well, on her bedside table. They had been supposed to eat breakfast with May and Peter, and technically, Pepper supposed that the fact that she had managed to make it into their living room should have felt like a victory for her, but it simply didn’t. It did not feel like a victory at all, not when Pepper could feel how the tears began to stream down her cheeks without even knowing why she was crying, and it certainly did not feel like a victory when she had to sit down in the couch, her legs giving way beneath her, leaving her with no choice but to sit down if she did not want to fall. Already, Pepper was vaguely aware of how May called out her name, placing the plate of pancakes on the table before running over towards her, but even as she placed an arm around her shoulder and whispered something to her about how it was fine, how she could simply say so if there was anything they could do to help her, Pepper could only cry.
“Peter, can you show Morgan the project you were working on yesterday?” Pepper heard May whisper to her nephew. “The one with the Web-Slingers?”
The fact that she would not have to worry about her daughter coming over to once more ask her what was wrong, leaving Pepper with no other choice than to tell her exactly why Tony only existed in pictures now, was freeing, and before long, her breathing had calmed down a bit, leaving Pepper able to see things a bit clearer. Nothing had changed. The situation she was in—Tony gone and her desperately trying not to let her grief affect Morgan—was exactly the same as it had been yesterday, and was most likely the same as it would be tomorrow.
“Are you okay?” May looked at her, her eyes wide.
“No. But I will be.” that was what May had told her, and if she couldn’t trust May to tell her the truth, Pepper wasn’t sure whom she could trust. So after making sure that she would not burst into tears again, May assuring her that it was not obvious how she had cried, the ceremony of all four of them eating breakfast together could resume, Morgan entertaining them all by telling about how her new school had a larger playground than anything she had ever seen before.
When Pepper noticed May looking at her with a look in her eyes she couldn’t quite read, she made sure to send her a little smile, a way to tell her how she was grateful, not only for how May had helped to make all of this—sitting around the table with them, having found a new place to live—possible, but also for trying her best to help her through those times where she only wanted to cry. May returned the smile with one of her own, and Pepper redirected her attention towards her own pancake again. She knew that the sense of happiness had nothing to do with the sweet taste of syrup.
+++
Although May had warned her that she might prefer to take a taxi to letting Peter drive them, as Pepper had to reach up to clutch the seat belt to keep herself from falling over, instinctively reaching out to make sure that Morgan was safe as well when Peter suddenly jerked the steering wheel to the side, bringing the car over to the exit he had almost missed at the last moment before the manoeuvre would have caused them to hit the car behind them, she had to admit that she had not imagined that it could be this bad. Already, they had been only seconds away from hitting another car as Peter had failed to look in the rear-view mirror twice, just like they had also driven past three red traffic lights, much to May’s dismay.
It seemed that the sudden exit had caused the same reaction as it had then, for May leant over in her own seat, and although Pepper could not see her facial expression from her spot in the backseat, she could easily imagine the way May would have drawn her brows together as she gestured towards the road in front of them.
“Peter, maybe it would be a good idea if we were still alive when we arrived. You know, since it can be a bit difficult to participate in the ceremony when you are dead,” she said, and Pepper could hear the laugh in her voice. She couldn’t help but admire May for that, for, personally, Pepper did not feel like laughing, at least not as Peter made another sudden turn.
Peter simply nodded at her, seemingly too focused on trying to keep the car somewhat inside the lines on the road while also trying not to hit the car in front of them. “That sounds like a good idea, I will try my best to do that.” the way he said the words, forcing them out in one big cluster, almost did more to let them know how little he was paying attention to anything that was not the road and the cars around them than the words themselves.
“That is good to hear.” May turned around in her seat, gripping the back of it to keep herself upright as Peter once again steered the car to the right. “Are you okay back there?” she continued, nodding towards Pepper and Morgan. “Haven’t fallen out of your seats yet?”
“No, but I am beginning to regret not taking a taxi instead,” Pepper answered, barely managing a smile, “no offense, Peter.”
“No, no, that is fair.” almost like he wanted to prove her right, Peter pulled at the steering wheel, and they barely missed the car next to them as the car drove towards the exit ahead of them. “I don’t know how I managed to get my driving licence, but if my instructor could see me now, she would be so disappointed with me. I don’t know what is wrong with me, I mean, I was never the perfect driver, but I am not usually this bad!”
From the way his voice broke on the last word, Pepper suspected that the reason why he was unable to keep the car between the lines all the time might be the same as why she was clutching her seat belt even when the car was relatively calm, the same reason why they were all currently dressed in black, with Pepper having spent a week mentally debating whether or not she should even go or if it would be better for everyone if she let May and Peter take Morgan with them and then stayed at home where she would be allowed a little privacy: the two year anniversary of Tony’s death.
Pepper had received the invitation to the ceremony that would be held in the same park where the statue of Tony now stood to guard the citizens of the world by post, something that only made her even more uncertain about whether or not she would be able to participate without risking simply falling apart completely halfway through and let the entire world see how she was still unable to look up at the statue. If she had received the invitation electronically, then perhaps it would have been easier, have felt less formal, but fact was, that Pepper knew how everyone, heroes, politicians, celebrities, and those Tony had saved, would all be present, and had seen multiple experts discuss whether she would be present at the two year anniversary after having merely sent flowers and written a speech her secretary had been more than willing to deliver for her. ‘Merely’, that was the word they always used when referring to what she had done, and there were times, where Pepper could not help but wonder if they were right. Perhaps she had been supposed to go there, to ignore the way her chest tightened, pushing all air out of her lungs, each time she caught sight of the murals, and how she already knew that looking at the statue and realising that it was there because Tony had saved everyone by sacrificing himself would no doubt leave her with no other choice than to cry and try not to think about how those pictures would end up on the front pages the next day. Pepper didn’t know, and although May had done her best to assure her that it was okay, that if she didn’t feel ready to go, she did not have to, the doubt had not disappeared completely.
In the end, it had been Morgan who had made the decision for her, when she came into the bedroom to look at the dress Pepper had laid on her bed, trying to decide whether it was fitting for the occasion, and declared that they would match since they would both wear black. After that, Pepper knew that she would have to be there.
And despite Peter clearly having his thoughts elsewhere, they made it to the park in one piece. After that, it was all a blur to Pepper. In one moment, she was talking to groups of people who had personally witnessed Tony flying into the portal with the nuclear bomb to save the city, the next she was trying her best not to trip in her dress as she walked up the stairs to the podium that had been built in front of the statue, unfolding the piece of paper where she had written her speech, the letters sharp and lacking the usual smoothness she tried to pour into her handwriting. But she made it through, and before long, Pepper was able to return to where Morgan, May, and Peter where waiting for her, Peter wiping a couple of tears away as he lifted up Morgan so that she would be able to see as the president gave a speech of her own, while May pulled Pepper a bit closer.
“You did well,” she whispered, and right then, Pepper wasn’t sure if she was referring to the speech, the fact that she had been able to come to the ceremony, or if the true answer was perhaps both, but she still found herself silently agreeing with her.
It had hurt, but she knew that she had made the right decision when she had chosen to participate.
+++
“Are you sure you have everything?” May asked, already moving over to check for herself. “You know how to contact me, right? Harley has told you where he will be, and you have money to pay for the taxi to the college—”
With how May looked like she would be able to continue to ask questions until the end of the world, still digging through the suitcase to make sure that Peter really hadn’t forgotten anything, that he hadn’t managed to lose anything in the ten minutes that had passed since the last time she had looked through the suitcase, Pepper could understand why Peter was quick to interrupt her, holding up his hands in an attempt to let her calm down a bit. “Yes, May, I am sure. Don’t worry about it, Harley has already said that he will take care of getting us to the college, and if I don’t have the money, we can probably walk or Harley will be able to pay. Just, don’t worry, I promise you that everything will be fine and that I will call you once I get there.”
May didn’t look entirely convinced by that, but she did nod at him while closing the suitcase once more. “I know, I know, I am being silly right now, but I just—” before any of them had time to react, she had thrown her arms around her nephew, hugging Peter tightly, “promise you that you won’t forget to visit, will you?”
“I have a feeling that you won’t allow me to forget.” Peter smiled, though he quickly grew serious again when May simply sent him a glare that told him how her question was no laughing matter, making Peter look directly at her “Yes, I promise that I will remember to visit as soon as I get the chance to do so. Of course I will, do you think I would be able to survive without seeing my favourite aunt for that long?”
At that, Morgan moved over, letting go of Pepper’s hand to instead look up at Peter with eyes that were shiny with unshed tears. “And what about me?” she asked.
Peter laughed and lifted her up. “I think I will just have to call you every day since I have no idea what I will do without my favourite Morgan living right next to me.” Morgan giggled when Peter shook his head, making an exaggerated show of how he had no idea of what he could do. “I mean, the idea of me actually getting anything done without you sitting next to me to tell me about your day and to tell me that I won’t get the rest of the story until I am finished with my homework? That is simply ridiculous. If I end up failing everything, I am sure that that will be the reason.”
“I am sure Harley won’t let that happen,” May commented as Peter placed Morgan back down onto the ground.
“Oh, May, I am sure that he has changed since the last time you saw him,” Peter said with a twinkle in his eyes, “in fact, the last time he called me, he told me that he had got a tattoo the weekend before, so, what can I say? I think that the wild university life has changed him.”
“As long as it won’t change you as well I am sure that it will be just fine.”
Peter shot her a grin. “I can’t promise you anything, but I will try my best to remember to call you at least once a week. That way, you will have plenty of time to remind me of that. And I will get a chance to get some work done while talking to Morgan,” Peter said, adding the last sentence when Morgan pulled at his arm.
The sound of the scratchy voice was easy to hear, even with the general noise in the airport, and although Pepper found herself wishing that they would mention something about how the flight to Oslo was delayed for a bit, just enough to give them all a chance to say properly goodbye to Peter, it was of course to inform them that everyone who wished to board the plane that would leave for Oslo in just a minute would have to go to gate eight.
Picking up his suitcase, Peter nodded towards nothing in particular. “I should probably go now, the plane—”
He didn’t get the chance to say anything more as May had pulled him in for a hug that looked so desperate and sad that Pepper was almost convinced that it would be impossible for Peter to leave. But he did. Walking backwards, the motion making May’s arms fall back to her sides, Peter sent them one last smile before turning around and walking towards the gate. To May’s credit, she managed to hide her tears until Peter had turned around one last time to wave at them before walking leaving through the doors that would lead into the hallway and take him onto the plane, but by then, she did also let the tears escape.
“He will be okay,” Pepper tried to console her, although she knew that the reason for May’s tears had nothing to do with any worries about what life would be like for Peter while at university, and instead everything to do with the fact that he was about to fly several hours away from them, making it so that he would not be able to get home for breakfasts for several months, “I am sure that it will feel like he has only been gone for a moment when he gets back again. Just you wait, I promise you that when he gets home again, you will almost think that he hadn’t even left in the first place.”
May laughed slightly at that, looking up at Pepper with the tears still streaming down her cheeks. “I doubt that, but still… thank you, for everything.”
“I should be the one to say that to you,” Pepper said, and she meant it. After all of the things that had happened, how almost everything in her life somehow shared a connection to May, the fact that she and Morgan now lived next to May and had lived next to Peter as well until five minutes ago, the fact that a bit of the loneliness had disappeared along with every breakfast they enjoyed in their neighbours’ home, it all had May in common. So when May slowly stopped crying, wiping the tears away with a paper napkin before walking back to the car with them, Pepper made sure to keep an eye on her. If there was anything she could do to make this just a little bit easier for her, then she would do it without hesitation.
But the drive home was silent, with May staring at the buildings they passed, leaning her head against the window, with Pepper occasionally sending her worried glances and silently thanking Morgan for having buried herself in her book on the backseat instead of asking questions about Peter.
In fact, Pepper did not see May looking at her until the moment Pepper moved to hold open the front door leading into the stairway for her, something that finally caused May to glance over at her, with the look in her eyes showing how she did indeed look at her and wasn’t merely responding to the gesture when she sent her a tired smile.
“Thank you. For being there for me, I mean. I don’t know if I would have been able to do it without you being there as well.”
“I could say the same to you,” Pepper answered.
From the smile May sent her, Pepper knew that she knew what she was referring to, and she did send her a short nod before stepping over the threshold and closing the door behind her.
+++
Hairbrush in hand, Pepper ran back towards the living room where May was already in the middle of the process of trying to convince Morgan that, although it was no doubt comfy, she could not go to school wearing the Rescue helmet.
The sight of Morgan, wearing her favourite pair of jeans and a hoodie, crossing her arms, her face settling into a stubborn expression as she clutched the helmet closer to her underneath her crossed arms, left Pepper unable not to smile a bit, especially as May, her voice showing that she had already mentally admitted defeat, tried to plead with her.
“Morgan, please, you can do it another day, but don’t you want to wear something a little… more appropriate when it is your first day of high school?”
“No,” Morgan said, shaking her head as she gave May exactly the look Pepper could have told her she would get, “I want to wear this. It is a technological marvel and I want to show it to my teachers—and I know that they want to see it because I met my physics teacher a month ago, and when I mentioned it to her, she said that if I was allowed to bring it to school one day, she would love to see it.”
That was Pepper’s cue to bring the discussion to an end, so she made her presence known with a short cough that made both Morgan and Pepper look over at her when she spoke. “But she did say that you needed permission, and since neither May nor I have given you that, I am afraid that your teacher will just have to wait a little longer to see it.”
That made Morgan pause, and Pepper could see how she tried to find any argument she could use to counter the decision, her shoulders lowering a bit as she uncrossed her arms, seemingly realising that she could not make up a convincing argument.
“Fine,” she grumbled, before looking over at May with a wide smile, “but will you then do my hair for me?”
“What, am I not good enough?” Pepper joked, causing Morgan to laugh.
“Yeah, but you only know how to twist my hair up into a boring bun. May can do all kind of cool things!”
Perhaps noticing how Pepper looked at her, May chuckled, holding up her hands in surrender. “Sorry, but I might have spent a couple of days looking up YouTube tutorials about hairstyling tips to make sure that I would be her favourite!”
In the end, Pepper was allowing to decide which hair elastic would be used to keep it all in place, Morgan quickly avoiding her goodbye kiss by picking up her backpack before turning around in the doorway to wave at them. The next moment, she had disappeared, though May and Pepper could hear her jumping down the stairs, passing two steps at a time, the sound of her shoes hitting the linoleum echoing up through the entire stairway.
Putting her arm around May’s shoulder, Pepper leant in towards her. “Do you think she will be okay?” she asked.
At first, May merely responded by reaching to place her hand on top of Pepper’s, but then she looked over at her. “I know she will.” Pepper was happy to see the honest expression on her face, the way May’s eyes twinkled at her. “If she is anything like her mother, she will do just fine.”
And although Pepper knew exactly what May was referring to when she said that, the pang of loneliness, guilt, anger, and grief that usually accompanied even the slightest mention of Tony did not feel as intense as it usually did. For May was right. Both Pepper and Morgan would be just fine.
+++
It was a slow process, but little by little, Pepper began to realise that she was no longer constantly consulting her mental map of where the murals of Tony and Iron man had once again been refreshed when she would walk around the city. The first time she found herself stopping in front of the statue of Tony, Pepper having not even realised how she had walked over to stand in front of it, she could honestly say that she did not remember the last time the idea of going there had been enough to make her spend an extra hour walking home, all because she had felt the need to make a detour to ensure that she would not have to even catch a glimpse of it. Instead, she now found herself able to look up at the art and admire the creativity and time that had been poured into it, how, even now, multiple years after Tony had died, the makeshift monuments that had been built to honour Tony were still there, were still being taken care of if the fresh flowers that still lay scattered on the ground in front of both the statue as well as the murals were any indicator.
But to her, the biggest sign that she was getting better, was perhaps the fact that she no longer felt guilty at the thought of how her life had continued even when Tony’s had ended. Gone was the idea that, since Tony would not be able to step into the house one morning, Pepper would have to wait outside the door to the stairway, trying to tell herself that she was being ridiculous and that it wouldn’t help anyone that she was standing outside in the rain, possibly making herself sick, and that her throwing her life away was the last thing Tony had wished for when he had sacrificed himself. No, now she enjoyed lazy Sunday mornings with Morgan and May, laughing along with her daughter as she told them about the newest assignment they had got at school and how she was planning to ask Peter about whether or not he would help her find the best vantage point in the city for her photography project when he got home for the holidays.
And when May turned around to face her while they were doing the dishes after one of those mornings, opening and closing her mouth a couple of times before she began talking, Pepper was only happy to place the dish towel back down onto the counter to show that she was listening to her.
“I was just thinking,” May said, and as she glanced back down onto the counter, pausing for a moment, before looking back up at her, Pepper was almost completely certain that she could spot a hint of redness on her face, “that maybe… you would like to go out and grab something to eat sometimes. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, but just…” Pepper could feel how her heart sped up a little when May continued, “I don’t know, if you want to, I would certainly be interested. But you don’t have to, and you don’t have to answer right now, just… think about it, maybe?”
“May,” Pepper said, and right then, it felt only right to move over to take her hand, “I would love to.”
May beamed at her, and in the background, Pepper could hear how the unusual silence that surrounded Morgan told her that her daughter had gone to find her book to bring it back to her table.
They had survived, but now, it was about living, and that was what Pepper would make sure to do.