Chapter Text
Scully gently placed the note from her mother to the side of the box. It ended with a simple request.
Please forgive me. I love you Dana, Mom
A deep breath and Scully unfolded Mulder’s letter. Seeing his beloved scrawl, made her heart lurch with skipped beats. She closed her eyes, opened them and read his words.
Scully Dana Scully,
That’s who you are to me Dana belongs to everyone else - Scully belonged or I believed belonged to me. My thoughts are by no means linear as you can see if you’re reading this. I’ve squeezed words, lines I may have not said, did not say to you. Did I want to? Perhaps - would I, if I had it to do over? I don’t know. Would I do it now if you were standing here in front of me…? Will I ever get that chance?
I wanted to make a list of all the times I said I’m sorry to you. There aren’t as many as I thought, most of them remained in my head never forming, never verbalized. But I remember every one. I told you I’m sorry when your father died, when your sister died, your dog … Penny Northern - but you were all I could think about when I went into that room and the bed was empty.
I told you I’m sorry when I left you behind and followed the alien bounty hunter to Alaska, I’m alive because of you. I told you I’m sorry when I called you over and over when it ended up being cockroaches. I’m sorry I didn’t ask more, insist more when you were battling cancer, but after awhile what’s the use when all I got was I’m fucking fine, Mulder.
I was in love with you then. I’d been in love with you for awhile. I don’t know if you were in love with me. I wanted to believe that it was true. Did I delude myself? Even now did you just settle for me, did working with me make you think you had no other choice? Am I a blind fool?
I often wonder if I hadn’t come to you that night, I apologized for waking you, so beautiful in your blue satin pajamas - if I hadn’t come to you that night. Would I ever have tried to kiss you in my hallway? Would the events after happened?
Why was I always chasing you Scully? And pushing you away at the same time?
I’m sorry for so much and I intended to write every one of them down… I’m sorry for being dismissive of your feelings about Diana - she was nothing but an echo of my past. I swear to you.
I’m sorry I told you I loved you. I shouldn’t have, you didn’t believe me or didn’t want to. Did you ever? I’m sorry for not being there when you gave birth to our son, or when you made the decision to give him up. I’m sorry for hating you for doing that.
Sometimes I’m sorry I love you. It hurts, Scully. It hurts.
I’m sorry for hating you for leaving me - and then I’m sorry for those thoughts. I’m sorry for not doing it, I’m sorry for not writing down all the I’m sorry’s. I couldn’t - can’t do it. It’s not what my hand did, it’s not what the ink formed as it flowed from my pen.
It started with a jar, I put my scraps of paper in a jar hidden high, way in the back of my kitchen cupboard. Kept from your view, your reach, but not far from mine. At some point the jar became to small and those scraps found a home in this shoebox.
I’m giving this box to your mother. I want you back in my life Scully, but you have to want it to. No more running for either of us. If you don’t contact me to talk. I guess there’s no hope and I’ll have my answer.
Scully, I can’t write I’m sorry anymore.
Because in the end I’m not sorry, I love you and I need you. Mulder
Tears ran down Scully’s cheeks, her breathing labored, her body shaking as she held Mulder’s note to her chest over her heart. Her mother was right, she wasn’t happy or fulfilled, leaving Mulder hadn’t solved anything. She was alone, he was alone.
She finally placed Mulder’s letter on top of her mother’s and peeled back the tissue paper. Folded scraps of paper, hundreds rested within. Scully picked up one and opened it, then another and another they were all dated - 3/13/1995, 7/28/1997, 1/1/2011 - all with the same three words. I Love You.
*****
Her key worked, he wouldn’t change it she knew, in the hopes she’d walk through the door once again. And she was - it was late the box held in her hands, Mulder sat on the couch, the light from the TV illuminated him with flickering shadows. “Scully? What’s wrong?“
She shook her head and immediately went into his arms, the box falling, the paper I Love You’s scattering like falling leaves. Scully pulled Mulder down for a deep kiss her hands roved over him and he reciprocated more hesitantly than she wanted.
She took a step back, “I love you Mulder. I need you to know that. I want another chance.. for us. Do you think we can do that?”
Mulder smiled and kissed her softly, “I’d like that Scully. We need to go slow, we need to do it right. Would you like to go out with me? Dinner? How about tonight?”
Scully smiled, a small laugh escaped as she pulled Mulder by the hands, backing up toward the stairs. “It’s a date. But now I want something else…” Her eyes roved slowly down his body and her smile widened. “And I think you do too.”
Scully bent down, grabbed a single scrap of paper and held it in front of Mulder’s eyes. “I want you to tell me about this date. I know you remember and I want you to describe it to me… After - only after I’m lying boneless in your arms. Take me to bed, Mulder.”
Long after making love Mulder and Scully each gave a silent thanks to Margaret Scully, whose gentle interference gave them the little push they needed to reconnect.