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“Why are you doing this?” Mike looked completely flabbergasted. They hadn’t had a confrontation with Troy in three days, and naturally Max wanted to go start more shit. And it looked like he was the only concerned one here, El was smiling and Dustin looked fucking hype. Lucas was giving Max a pregame massage and Will was acting like an idiot coach.
He needed new friends. Stat. Naturally the six most dramatic people in the world were all complied into this one group, and if you added Steve and Robin they were the most extra combination in the universe.
“Because Mikey-Poo, guys like Troy won’t leave people like us alone unless you make them. And I just happen to be the God of manipulating people for me own gain.” She gave him a cheesy smile and Mike raised his eyebrows again, shaking his head.
“Please don’t tell me you’re going to yell at him or something. Or break his arm. Should I call Hopper in advance, or just the ambulance?” El laughed and he gave her a weird look. “Why are you all laughing? This is serious shit!” Max cracked a smile. “Oh my God someone’s going to die.” He groaned and grew his hands in the air.
“Chill Frog-face, I’ve got a plan.” He glared daggers at her. Naturally her and El started calling him that even though it was the dumbest insult ever. “And don’t worry, I’m working the whole Frog-face thing into the conversation too.”
“How the fuck are you going to do that?” He was exasperated to say the least, and having the whole party stare at him was not making it better.
“I have experience taking down guys like this. You’ve got to just make them feel powerless. El already covered the physical violence piece, and now I emotionally obliterate him.”
Mike wasn’t going to lie, she was pretty good at that last one. And fighting too. Okay, so she was totally capable of this which pissed him off even more.
“Now, lets go.” She was holding onto a piece of paper and started strutting down the hallway. She turned back to them. “You coming dumbasses?” They all glanced at each other, shrugged and jogged after her.
This whole situation was bizarre to Mike. He wasn’t even going to lie, the fact that girls keapt on fighting his bully for him was getting really embarrassing. Max looked insanely confident and to his surprise was smiling sweetly when she reached Troy.
“Hey bud.” She gave him a weird pitying look, and leaned against the lockers. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know that the last few days have been hard for you.”
To his credit, Troy looked just as confused as Mike felt. He opened his mouth, but Max keapt talking before he could continue.
“I know your whole bully reputation has taken a really big hit lately, so I wanted to help you out.” She shrugged, and El stifled a laugh. Her and Dustin exchanged an amused look, and Mike had no idea how he was the only clueless one in this situation, and how he was the only worried one.
“What?”
Max pulled out the mysterious piece of paper. “I just jotted down some ideas for new insults, mean nicknames, and just general bully stuff for you to try out. No offense, but the material you been using is getting kind of boring, but I think this stuff could really wow the crowd. You know, change up those middle school insults to something a little more classy. Switch it up.”
Mike wanted to facepalm, but more so didn’t want to look like a huge fool. There was a small crowd, and a couple kids looked like they were itching for a fight.
“Go fuck yourself.” Troy sneered, and Max patted his arm mockingly.
“Not a great example of an insult buddy. Maybe you should call me a whore some more, people had a pretty good response to that.”
Lucas sputtered next to him. He could tell that Lucas wanted to jump in and defend Max’s honor, but luckily retrained himself.
Troy nudged his friends. “Weirdo.”
Max loudly sighed. “That ones just middle school. We’ve been Freshman for like 3 weeks, grow up. Freaks out as an insult too I think, it’s just overused and boring.”
Mike was really enjoying the whole ‘we’re not middle schoolers anymore’ thing. Literally every time anything even vaguely childish would happen one of his friends would pat his shoulder and whisper “that’s so middle school”. He thought it was really funny, no one else did. He really thought that Senior was going to kick their asses.
Tory still looked incredibly confused, and Mike felt a smile creep onto his face. Okay, so this was a little amusing. Just a little.
Max pretended to study the sheet of paper before jamming it into Troy’s hands. She pointed at one of the lines.
“See that one? It’s just a new idea for how to insult my buddy Mike over there. Frog-face is just boring, and kind of cheap. Go for something better. Try sprinkling more swearing into it. Or make fun of his stupid nose and ugly personality.”
“Thanks Max.” Mike bitched, but he was still smiling.
Troy was silent still, and Mike felt kind of bad for him. What do you say to this? Literally any response makes you look like a fool. You either take her advice and call them something rude, but look like a pussy for taking tips on how to bully someone from the victim, or stick with the stupid ones and still look like an utter fool. Maybe Max was a genius.
“Notice I also crossed Toothless off the insult list, it just doesn’t make sense anymore. Try some of these.”
“I helped make them up myself!” Dustin chipped in eagerly, and gave him a thumbs up.
“Yeah, definitely try and take some more shots at how bad his love life is, that one really hits him where it hurts. Probably reference his stupid hair and ugly hat too. And the fact he goes to math camp, that’s an easy one.”
Troy blinked, and James took a step away from him, stifling laughter in his hand.
“You want to practice? We can get Byers in here for a sort of mock trial if you’d like.”
“I’m a really easy target!” Will piped up, and stepped forward. “This can be like a practice round, try some new materials, take risks, live a little.”
“Uh-“ Troy paused, wide eyed.
“I can start if you want?” Will offered, and brightly continued, not waiting for Troy to say anything. “I’m a freak of nature who looks like a prepubescent otter.”
Troy smirked and started talking. “You’re ugly? You’re whole family is freaks and perverts, and you faked your own death.”
Will gave him a short applause, and people started to laugh. “Nice work Troy!” He went for a high five, which Tory hesitantly returned. “The pervert thing was lovely. Everyone forgets about that.”
The crowds laughter got louder, and Max stepped back in.
“You need any other help Troyers?” She asked kindly, and to Mikes surprise Troy was actually smiling. That was a bad nickname though. Troyers. Even worse then Mikey-poo.
“Yeah, give me some for weird girl.” He pointed to El, and the girl grinned, wrapping her arm around Max.
“I feel like this one could just pair with the Wheeler insults, I mean how bad must she be to date a guy like him?” Mike actually laughed, and so was Troy. It was the most bizzare experience of his life. One second (more like for 8 years straight) Troy was beating the shit out of him and now they were laughing like old friends. He shared a look with Lucas, who just shrugged.
Lucas spoke up, not wanting to be left out. “I can give you some for me if you want, but I really like the whole racism thing you’ve got going. It’s classic.” Lucas smiled at Troy, and he had the decency to look ashamed.
“Lucas I’m sorry about that-“
“You’re all good bucko.” Mikes jaw literally dropped. He couldn’t have been more shocked if a demogorgan literally popped out of the wall right in front of them. Max turned back and winked at him.
“Told you I know how to get through to bullies.” She whispered, and Mike didn’t even bother to look sullen. She had literally gotten Troy to apologize for being a racist dick in a two minute conversation. Lucas went in for a handshake, and Tory actually pulled him in for a bro hug. It was the most bizzare thing he had ever witnessed.
“Bucko?” Troy asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, I figured we should give you a nickname too, you know in response to all of your lovely ones.”
“Listen, dumbasses-“ Troy sighed. “Thanks for the tips I guess.” Max gave him a flirty smile.
“Anytime.” She blew him a kiss, and El did the weird girly wave thing where she fluttered her fingers. They were all really hamming it up, and Mike did his best to keep a straight face. This was literally the dumbest thing ever. But he was kind of having a great time. Will was even getting into it, throwing Troy the worst wink he had ever seen. Mike bit his lip sensually, and Lucas slapped him.
“What the fuck dude?”
“Everyone else was doing it!”
“Yeah, but you’re not cool like them.” Mike gave him a death glare, and Troy cleared his throat, amused.
“So I’ll see you in detention later Weird Nose Wheeler?” Troy asked, pointing at him, and Mike grinned.
“Yeah, see you dick eater.” Troy walked down the hall with James, looking back at them.
“See you ladies.” El buried her face in Max’s shoulder, overcome with laughter.
Mike turned and stared at Max like she was a God. “What the fuck just happened?”
The spell was broken. Dustin started cheering.
“Fuck yeah! That was even better then a beat down!” Dustin gave her a high five, and Max grinned, slinging her arms around him and El.
“What can I say? I have a gift.”
“Did you just flirt him into submission?”
“I’m a sex machine.” Max shrugged and wiggled her hips. Will snorted loudly.
“Very true.” El nodded seriously, and Lucas got on his knees and literally starting hailing her. Even Mike had to throw out an eye roll at that one.
“Why are all you guys such extra bitches?” Dustin asked, and Mike looked betrayed.
“We’re extra? You’re literally the most dramatic person I’ve ever seen!”
“Excuse me, I’m edgy, okay?”
“More like emo.” Mike mumbled under his breath, making sure it was just loud enough for Dustin to hear. Maybe he was actually the extra bitch.
“I’ll cut you Micheal. Or should I say Weird Nose Wheeler.”
Mike turned to Max, finally remembering why he was pissed at her. “Hey, why’d you have to go after my nose? Now that’s going to be my nickname for life!” He did his best to sound mad, but he was so happy about the situation that he just sounded stupid.
“It suits you.” Max shrugged, completely unconcerned. Mike swatted her, and the two of them got into a sissy fight, which Will separated quickly. They didn’t need to repeat that one time Max gave him a black eye when they got a little too into play fighting.
“Wait, are we like, friends with Troy now?” Will asked bringing them back to the issue at hand. Mike let his grin fully out and whooped.
“I think we are.”
Dustin, like the edgy bitch he was, dropped to his knees and did prayer hands. El did a weird little happy dance, which pretty much consisted of grinding on Max. The two of them had the weirdest little thing going on.
“We’re cool!” Lucas literally jumped in the air, and all of a sudden Mike saw his future in front of him. Prom king, captain of the football team, Wheeler the Dealer, and just generally living out his real name. Mike “Sexy Stuff” Wheeler.
“Do you think we’re overreacting to one win?” El quietly asked him, but he could barely even hear her over the cheers of all his adoring fans at the big game.
“Absolutely.” Dustin supplied, and Will’s eyes lit up.
“Does this mean we get to bully Jonathan now?”