Work Text:
DAVE: yo karkat guess dont have your silly lil crab watch on you
DAVE: thats cool i just wanted to rap at you about somethin i mean not literally rap obviously
DAVE: tho you better believe i been workin on a sick tune for our scheduled recording sesh dont you dare think i havent
DAVE: just the illest fuckin tune
DAVE: gotta call house md in here to take a look at this tune
DAVE: his eyes all glazed over and forehead all sweaty due to heroin and just being a general horses ass
DAVE: he comes limpin in and says i have no idea how to cure this tune
DAVE: i have failed as a doctor
DAVE: his american accent all slippin away
DAVE: im sorry i am just hugh laurie he says in his kinda permanently embarrassed soundin real voice
DAVE: and this tune is surely going to die
DAVE: ...
DAVE: oh wait oh damn that was actually kinda ill in its own right
DAVE: maybe i should be writin this down, work it up into somethin
DAVE: shit i gotta say, a lotta times this meteors boring as hell, but sometimes its pretty damn nice to just be able to like come up with one really sick lyric an call it a day, like what the fuck else am i gonna achieve todays better than this
DAVE: i bet thats what like ernest hemingways life was like
DAVE: all spendin the whole day snarled up angry in the corner of a terrible bar somewhere chain smokin
DAVE: til he finally comes up with just the perfect choicest spot to put a single comma
DAVE: then he just like claps his hands and drains his drink an says well thats fuckin done and dusted workday over
DAVE: and he goes home and beats his wife
DAVE: ...oh shit wait thats awful why the fuck did i say that?
DAVE: did ernest hemingway actually beat his wife?
DAVE: i kinda got the vague feelin he did...
DAVE: did he even have a wife?
DAVE: or was he one a those guys who was actually secretly but not so secretly gay?
DAVE: what am i sayin you can be gay and still have a wife wow who the fuck am i to start moseyin down that particular garden path haha jesus christ
DAVE: ...
DAVE: i kinda feel like ernest hemingway was probably a douchebag
DAVE: man its sad tho that i got basically literally no way of findin out for sure now
DAVE: the guy was already dead but now hes like extra dead
DAVE: maybe rose knows somethin about him
DAVE: or maybe she like made a point of not knowin anything about him cause he was such a piece of shit who abused his spouse
DAVE: she would totally do that
DAVE: guess im doin my part too, not knowin anything about him to begin with
DAVE: serves that fucker right
DAVE: ...or did he have a drinking problem maybe that was it
DAVE: yeah thats ringin a lot more bells
DAVE: mighta just been par for the course for old writerly dudes tho
DAVE: roses mom had a drinking problem too and i think in spite of it all she actually really admired her so maybe she wouldnt protest learnin about him if that was the case
DAVE: hm
DAVE: maybe i had the poor guy all wrong
DAVE: maybe he had a drinkin problem cause he WAS super gay an stuck in a loveless marriage with a wife he DIDNT beat that he had to be in for propriety cause it was like the year 1500
DAVE: ...shit that doesnt sound right hes not that old is he
DAVE: boy haha maybe i shoulda gone to school huh
DAVE: got lotsa sweet katana skills but dont know shit about the great american classics
DAVE: i could totally make a sly ass remark here about how neither was worthwhile but you know what im not gonna
DAVE: i think it woulda been really nice to learn about the american classics and i dont mind sayin it
DAVE: maybe rose an i can get together and pool our knowledge bout the american classics
DAVE: preserve our history
DAVE: thatd be nice
DAVE: could teach karkat a thing or two
KARKAT: OH YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TEACH ME, STRIDER?
DAVE: holy shit karkat what the fuck bro you scared the bejesus outta me
DAVE: you cant just do that to a man goddamn
KARKAT: DAVE, *YOU* FUCKING CALLED *ME!*
DAVE: yeah but i was leavin you a voicemail how long have you been listenin?
KARKAT: I’VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME, DICKASS!
KARKAT: YOU CALLED AND BEFORE I COULD SAY A DAMN WORD YOU LAUNCHED INTO THIS NEVER-ENDING MONOLOGUE.
KARKAT: THE FACT THAT YOU THINK WHAT YOU WERE DOING CONSTITUTES LEAVING A VOICEMAIL IS DEEPLY TROUBLING.
DAVE: come on you know i cant just leave any old boring ass voicemail
DAVE: i got my ways to uphold
KARKAT: ADMIT IT, DAVE.
KARKAT: YOU FORGOT YOU WERE ON THE PHONE AT ALL.
KARKAT: YOU FELT THE TENDER, COMFORTING EMBRACE OF A LIVE MIC AND YOUR EYES ROLLED BACK IN YOUR HEAD AND YOU JUST ACTIVATED STRIDER TALK MODE.
DAVE: shit well if it was so bad why didnt you stop me
KARKAT: EH. I KINDA LIKED LISTENING.
KARKAT: I WAS ALSO CURIOUS HOW LONG IT’D TAKE FOR MY NAME TO COME UP. SEE WHERE I STAND.
KARKAT: APPARENTLY I RANK BELOW ROSE, HUGH LAURIE, AND SOME DOUCHEBAG NAMED ERNEST HEMINGWAY.
DAVE: also house md but hes pretty much the same as hugh laurie so we only gotta count him for one
KARKAT: THANKS, THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
DAVE: no but seriously dude i called YOU
DAVE: youre the one i wanted to talk to in the first place doesnt that count for shit these days?
KARKAT: YEAH I GUESS IT DOES.
KARKAT: WHAT’D YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ANYWAY?
DAVE: oh i...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: i cant remember
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!
DAVE: haha holy shit i got no fuckin clue it is totally gone
DAVE: wow hope it wasnt important
KARKAT: I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE IT WASN’T.
DAVE: hey you never know i got big things brewin it coulda been of the utmost importance just absolutely dire
KARKAT: SURE.
KARKAT: JUST PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST TELL ME YOU DIDN’T FORGET ALL THOSE REALLY GREAT PROTO-LYRICS ABOUT A FICTIONAL DOCTOR FAILING AT HIS JOB.
KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE A TRAGEDY TOO GREAT FOR ME TO BEAR, DAVE.
DAVE: oh shit no those are on firm lockdown
KARKAT: THANK GOD.
DAVE: karkat you KNOW my mind is a steel trap for all things lyrical you never gotta worry about that
KARKAT: I KNOW.
KARKAT: WELL, IF YOU DO REMEMBER YOUR ABSOLUTELY DIRE NEWS, I BETTER BE THE FIRST TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT IT.
DAVE: you fuckin will be
KARKAT: ...WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
DAVE: im up on the observation platform peepin the stars
DAVE: its really nice here man
DAVE: you should come up
KARKAT: OKAY. I’M ON MY WAY.