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“OH NO,” said Uriel. “OH THIS IS NOT VERY GOOD.”
Sohu looked up from the cookbook she had been reading. “What’s not very good?” she asked. From what she could see of Uriel’s face amid the swirling and glowing orthographic tidbits that clouded it, he looked worried.
“YOU KNOW THE LANGUAGE GUJARATI?”
“Yes?” Sohu nodded, and then remembered how literally Uriel tended to interpret things. “I mean, I know of it. I don’t speak it. Right now.”
“YES WELL EVEN IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO. IT IS NOT WORKING.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“UM. I DO NOT ACTUALLY KNOW. THERE MAY BE A BUG IN THE CODE. I AM TRYING TO FIND OUT.”
Sohu set her cookbook down on the cloud beside her. It didn’t have many recipes that only required fish and ketchup anyways, so it wasn’t doing her much good. She looked up at the towering figure of the Archangel before her, and offered him one of the most important propositions in human scientific theory thus far, the humble reminder of phenomena outside our control, the wise and occasionally infuriating question: “Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?”
Uriel stood stock still for a moment, and then looked down at the girl on the cloud. “DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THAT WOULD BE?”
“Uh, no,” said Sohu, “But didn’t you fix New Zealand once? That’s a whole country, with people who speak a lot of languages. Gujarati is only one language.”
“UM YES,” said Uriel, “BUT LANGUAGES ARE VERY CONNECTED THINGS. GUJARATI IS AN INDO-EUROPEAN LANGUAGE, SO IF I TURNED IT OFF I WOULD HAVE TO TURN OFF ALL OF THE INDO-EUROPEAN LANGUAGES. AND IF I TURNED THOSE OFF I WOULD HAVE TO TURN OFF THE CAUCASIAN AND DRAVIDIAN LANGUAGES AS WELL. SO WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT I WOULD HAVE TO TURN OFF ALL THE LANGUAGES IN THE WORLD AND THEN TURN THEM BACK ON AGAIN.”
“How long would that take?” Sohu asked.
“PROBABLY NOT VERY LONG,” said Uriel, “BUT IT WOULD BE VERY INCONVENIENT TO TRY TO COMMUNICATE WHILE THAT IS GOING ON.”
“You can do it,” said Sohu, “I believe in you!” She thought it might be a good idea to be encouraging, for the sake of anyone speaking Gujarati.
Uriel still looked uncertain. He scanned the symbols flashing before him, as if divining whether or not he should trust the encouragement of an eight-year-old girl on a cloud in a hurricane.
“OKAY,” said Uriel, “I WILL GIVE IT A TRY.”
~
Aaron yaka getup kopa tenas-sun, pi kumtuks ikta wik tlush. Qata yaka tiki pittuck, okook wik kopa King-Choch-wawa, but kopa lelang Aaron wik kumtuks kimta okook sun.
“Anah!” Aaron yaka wawa, “Pus ikta naika wawa kopa hloima lelang?”
Yaka klatawa kikwili kopa kuk-haws, but halo tilikum yawa. Yaka mamook lesap, but kopa yaka latet, Aaron wawa kopa pittuck kopa yaka opitska Ana. Tlahowya, yaka pittuck. Wik lili, yaka kwolan Anna wawa Tlahowya! wext.
Yaka kakwa okook kopa maika wext? Aaron pittuck.
Aha, pi kopa konawe tilikum kopa nanich-buk-haws wext! Ana pittuck. Okook hayu hloima! Klonas ikta klatawa peshak kopa okook saxali-tilikum Uriel kopa smoke kopa Louisiana?
Klonas? Aaron pittuck. Pus wawa delait, naika wik kumtuks. But kewa nesaika alta wawa kopa nesaika latet, naika pittuck konawe Nem wik kakshot.
Tlahooowyum maaaika, pittuck Ana, kakwa yaka sick-tumtum, klaska tiki pus maika klatawa kopa mamook.
Oh klatawa, Aaron pittuck, mamook hihi kopa naika.
Ana yaka hihi.
Naika tiki okook saxali-tilikum mamook elahan kopa nesaika pi potlatch nesaika King-Choch-wawa wext, Aaron pittuck, spose wik, naika tumtum kakwa naika Jonas - munk-lapiege pus kwanis-um.
Maika delait mamook wawa-hihi kopa okook tenas-wawa ‘kwanis’? Kopa hloima lelang??
…klonas…
Aaron kumtuks pus Ana lowulo yaka syaxus.
Oh kakwa-wawa.
~
Erica klatawa pus makook kapi qanchi konawe lelang chako hloima. Yaka wawa, “tlush spose naika iskum ixt kapi, masi,” pi kopet hyack. “Ikta?” yaka wawa, “Pus ikta naika wik wawa kopa King-Choch-wawa?”
“Naika wik kumtuks,” wawa man klaksta makook kapi, pi, “Anah! Naika wik wawa kopa King-Choch-wawa wext!”
“Tlush spose naika alta wawa naika Spiel?” wawa Erica, tenas kwas. Yaka tenas hoho pi mitlite kopa leshesh. “Saxali tyee tlap wik mistchimas,” yaka wawa, “but kopa konawe ilihi yaka kopa chikmin lope! Okook Nem, potlatch kopa nesaika kewa nesaika tenas chako kopa Adam, tlush spose okook Nem potlatch nesaika hayu tlush taym kakwa halo taym kopa ekanem kopa konawe tilikum, okook Nem kapswalla kopa nesaika kopa skookum-kompani, pi huyhuy pus makook hyash-ship pus tilikum kopa hyash dolla. Okook Hyash-Ulali Nem potlatch saplil kopa ilihi, pi mamook taym pus hokumelk hayak kopa sitkum. Tenas kopa Ethiopia towan halo muckmuck, pi xawkwatl hokumelk-tilikum kopa Ethiopia wawa Hyash-Ulali Nem pus iskum saplil pus mamook elahan kopa klaska. Pus ikta? Kewa Amalek iskum lisens pi tiki stotkin-takamonuk dolla kopa konawe hokumelk-tilikum tiki wawa okook. Okook Munk-Wash Nem-”
“Uh,” wawa man klaska makook kapi, “Maika tiki makook kapi alta…?”
“Oh,” Erica yaka wawa, “Aha, masi.”
~
“UM. IKTA KLATAWA PESHAK,” Uriel yaka wawa.
“Pus ikta nesaika wawa kakwa okook?” wawa Sohu. “Pi ikta lelang nesaika wawa kopa?”
“OKOOK LELANG NEM CHINUK WAWA,” Uriel wawa, “PI KONAWE TILIKUM KOPA KONAWE ILIHI WAWA KOPA OKOOK LELANG ALTA, KEWA IKTA KLATAWA HAYU PESHAK.”
“Oh,” wawa Sohu. “Okook hayu tlush lelang.” Yaka wik tiki pus yaka kwolan kakwa soleks.
“MAIKA WAWA DELAIT, BUT TLUSH SPOSE YAKA HAYU HLOIMA LELANG KOPA KONAWE ILIHI,” wawa Uriel, “PI TLUSH SPOSE HAYU HLOIMA TILIKUM WAWA KOPA KLASKA LELANG. OKOOK MUNK NAIKA PITTUCK KOPA TAYM KOPA OKOOK HYASH HOUSE NEM BABEL…”
“Alta ikta maika mamook?” Sohu wawa. Yaka wik wawa okook, but yaka tenas kwas spose yaka wik lelang but ixt pus wawa kopa pus konawe yaka sun.
“KLONAS… KOPET OKOOK PI MUNK-KLATAWA OKOOK WEXT?” Uriel yaka wawa.
“Tlush pittuck,” wawa Sohu, pi ikpui yaka syaxus.
~
“Did it work?” Sohu asked tentatively. She opened her eyes. Her surroundings looked normal, if you counted a cloud in a hurricane next to a five-hundred foot tall angel as normal, which Sohu did. She attempted to say things that she previously hadn’t had words for. “Just. Promise. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Helium. Ask.” She broke into a relieved smile. “Uriel! It worked!”
“WHEW,” said Uriel, “DO NOT GET ME WRONG, I LIKE TRADE-LANGUAGES AS MUCH AS THE NEXT ANGEL, BUT JUST FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THE ENTIRE WORLD SPEAKING ONE CAUSED TWO HUNDRED AND NINE FISTFIGHTS OVER BADLY-PLACED USES OF THE WORK ‘MAMOOK’ AND SEVENTY-FOUR ACCIDENTAL CONFESSIONS OF LOVE BECAUSE OF THE AMBIGUITY OF ‘TIKI.’ THIS IS PRECISELY WHY I INVENTED LINGUISTIC DIVERSITY IN THE FIRST PLACE.”
“You invented linguistic diversity?” asked Sohu, raising an eyebrow, “I thought languages just split off into other languages by themselves over time!”
“WELL YES, BUT ALSO NO. I INVENTED THE PART OF THE CODE THAT MAKES LANGUAGES DO THAT. SEE, A VERY LONG TIME AGO, MANY PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE PLACE CAME TOGETHER TO BUILD A VERY TALL TOWER. I WAS IMPRESSED BY THEIR ABILITY TO WORK TOGETHER, BUT I NOTICED THAT ALL THEIR DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES WERE DIFFICULT TO REPRESENT UNAMBIGUOUSLY IN JUST ONE LANGUAGE, SO I CHANGED THE CODE OF LANGUAGES SO THAT THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY SPLIT OFF AND CREATE MORE LANGUAGES. WELL. TO BE HONEST I SORT OF USED THE TEMPLATE FROM THE CODE FOR TREE BRANCHES, BUT IT MOSTLY WORKS. IT WENT A BIT TOO FAST AT FIRST, BUT I FIXED THAT BUG, AND THUS GAVE HUMANITY THE GIFT OF LINGUISTIC DIVERSITY. THEY STOPPED BUILDING THE TOWER FOR SOME REASON, BUT I THINK IT HAS WORKED RATHER WELL SO FAR.”
“Did turning it off and on again fix whatever was wrong with Gujarati?” Sohu inquired.
“IT DID.”
“How?”
“UM. I DO NOT KNOW,” Uriel looked down and smiled. “THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA THOUGH.”
Sohu smiled back. “You’re welcome. Hey! I can say ‘you’re welcome’ again! I really missed that.”