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Wade held a blade to his arm, Like he did most nights.
This~ had become a routine, long ago. Pain was the only way he knew how to handle anything.
Emotions were dangerous, they never lead anywhere good. Neither did pain but at least with this he wasn’t getting his hopes up first. There was no unknown.
{do it}
(You know you deserve it. Your already mangled body can’t look any worse)
Wade didn’t cry. He never cried. He held the tip of the blade to the inner part of his forearm and cut.
He watched the skin split open and he could see the layer of fat before blood started too pool.
It wasn’t enough. He did it again.
And again
And again.
He could feel the blood dripping down his body. He had no plans on stopping. He couldn’t die, even if he wanted too he couldn’t.
Death wasn’t even his end goal. He didn’t necessarily hate his life, but he hated himself.
He hated who he had become. He wanted to blame everyone else. He wanted to find an excuse but he knew it was no ones fault but his own.
He knew it was his choice to start killing, he knew it was his choice to put on the suit, to to — he couldn’t finish the thought.
More then anything he was angry now. He had been trying so hard. So hard to be good. To be happy, it was all because of Spider man.
Guilt should have flooded him but he just felt empty.
Empty had been his default until he met the boy. Peter. Peter didn’t seem to care about the past, he was so hopeful, so full of life.
Wade hated himself for how he felt. It wasn’t fair. Love was never in the picture.
{he would never love you}
(You’re a horrible monster of a person. If you could die the world would be a better place)
Wade didn’t respond. He couldn’t.
He stared at himself in the mirror.
He hadn’t meant to fall in love. He hadn’t meant to follow Spider-Man around on patrol every night or being him dinner constantly.
And all hope was lost the day Spider-Man took off his mask. The day he met Peter Parker.
He should have left but he didn’t.
Another cut
He should have left the city, never looked back but the moment he looked into Peters eyes all hope was lost.
No one had ever cared for him like. No one had listened to his back story, no one had held him while he came back to life, no one had wanted to see him happy, ever, until Peter.
(But he doesn’t care about you)
{he’s a hero it’s his job}
(You thought someone could love you! You are crazy)
It was too much. Wade dug the blade in harder. It was never enough. The torment never stopped.
“Wade” said a soft voice. He swung around to face the noice.
Peter Parker stood one the doorway of his open bathroom.
Wade stopped for a second
“You’re not real... you’re not real!” He growled angrily rushing to shove the blade back in. This hallucination was not what he needed. He couldn’t handle this.
Before the blade touched his skin Peter was holding him.
“Please” Peter cried “please don’t”
Deadpool dropped the blade. The realization that Peter was actually holding him hit him. He felt the breath leave his lungs and he couldn’t hold back anymore
Years and years worth of pain, every wall he had put up, every barrier was gone just like that.
He left out a cry but peter just held him tightly
“Why” Peter sobbed holding onto Wade.
“It’s so hard petey, I’m so alone... so you know what it’s like to be so alone” he cried out. He couldn’t stop the tears. He couldn’t help himself as he clung to Peter.
How he couldn’t stop. He had just wanted to tell someone for so long. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him and he almost swore it physically hurt but he didn’t push the hero away.
“I should have know” Peter mumbled. “I should have been here sooner”
“I’m so sorry wade, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry”
Peter lowered Wade and himself to the floor.
“It’s been so long” Wade cried “I can’t... I deserve this, I’m not a good person Petey”
Wade cried trying to pull away but while Wade was much larger Peter was stronger.
“Oh Wade you don’t, you don’t, god I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel that way, I’m so sorry the world has been so cruel to you. You’re so beautiful, you’re so much more then you think you are Wade!”
Wade couldn’t look at Peter. Couldn’t accept the words he was hearing but still Peter pulled his head up and put their foreheads together.
“I love you Wade, I love you so much. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry”
That made Wade cry even harder. How long had he wanted to hear someone say they loved him, how long had it been since anyone had seen him as anything other then a murderer.
Peter wiped his thumb over the tears on Wades cheeks but it did no good.
There was so much love in the boys eyes Wade didn’t know how to respond. He wanted to look away. To run, to never look back. To protect the person he loved But Peter brushed his lips over Wades and all motive was gone.
He grabbed the back of Peters head and held them together sobbing.
They sat like that for who knows how long. Peter holding him, whispering about how much he loved him. How sorry he was.
Wade knew the boy had nothing to be sorry about but he still needed to hear it. For so long he had just wanted an apology. So many people had hurt him and no one had ever even given him so much as a simple ‘I’m sorry’ but he had convinced himself that that’s what he deserved. That he had was responsible for the way he was treated.
“It’s not your fault” Peter said finally breaking the silence. As if he could read his mind.
Wade hugged him tighter. He finally looked around and found that blood had soaked both him and Peter. The bathroom tile was stained with the brown coloring of old drying blood.
He wanted to be angry but he didn’t have it in him. He couldn’t process that emotion currently.
“Come on” Peter whispered in his ear seeing the look on his face.
Peter helped them up and cupped Wades face. He leaned into the touch.
Peter kisses him softly as he ran his hands under Wades shirt.
“I’m gonna clean you up ok?” He asked softly.
Wade nodded.
He let the boy take his shirt and boxers off of him.
Wade felt run down and embarrassed. He was so vulnerable in this moment. So raw, so open. He let a now naked Peter help him to the shower.
He couldn’t speak up he looked at Peter trying to convey as much love with is eyes as he could.
Peter understood. He grabbed Wades are and kissed just below the wounds that were just now starting to heal.
Wade couldn’t get ahold of himself.
“You’re so beautiful Wade, so beautiful, I’ve always thought so.”
Wade waited to hear the voices telling him otherwise, telling him he was lying but they never came.
Peter grabbed the loofa and soap and slowly washed away the blood from Wades body, every so often dropping a kiss to his shoulder or chest and whispering that he loved him.
Wade held onto Peter and refused to let go. Head resting on the boys shoulder. His nose pushed into his neck.
“I’m so sorry Petey” was all he could say.
Peter just hushed him.
Peter shut off the shower and stepped out never letting go of Wade.
He walked them too the bed and let Wade collapse on top of him.
“You can sleep now” Peter said softly
“Please don’t leave” Wade said softly curling around Peter.
“Please still be here when I wake up” he asked. Wade didn’t think he could handle it if he woke up and Peter was gone.
So much had happened. So much had changed.
Peter pulled the covers over both of them and ran his hand gently down Wades scared back.
“I won’t, I won’t ever leave you again”
“I love you” Wade said softly before letting his exhaustion hit him full force.
It didn’t take him long to fall asleep with the feeling of Peters fingers running up and down his back and the boys soft lips to his forehead.
For the first night in years Wade slept completely through the night.