Chapter Text
Word Count: 2,016
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with 911, Fox, or anything else related to that particular universe.
His skin feels like it's been three sizes too small for days now, every part of his system electrified with hope and anticipation and no small amount of absolute terror. He's thought about this, imagined this, dreamed about this for weeks now and now that the day - scratch that - now that the night has arrived, he's hyper-aware of every tiny detail. He can feel the scratch of his sweater against his skin and the weight of the jacket across his shoulders. He can feel every shallow breath that doesn't quite reach his lungs. He's bitten his bottom lip raw, tasting the sour tang of blood more than once when he peels too much flesh off.
Every second seems to last an hour and every hour seems to last a year while he wipes away the evening at Bobby and Athena's. He's bounced around to everyone so many times he's stopped counting who he's seen but he's pretty sure Hen is sick of him and Athena is about ready to swat him like a bug.
The hours until midnight have never felt so far away. For someone that routinely works straight through midnight, he's used to seeing it. But this? This? He's been waiting for this midnight for what feels like weeks. Maybe months. And now that it's here, he's so restless with anticipation and anxiety that he could probably vibrate out of his skin and into the next plane of existence.
When he checks his watch for the thousandth time in an hour and realises it's fifteen minutes until midnight, he becomes even more fixated on the time. He gulps the last of his drink and his eyes flash around the gathering until he sees who he needs and wants.
He tunnels through the groups milling around to where Eddie and Hen and Chim and Maddie are standing near one of the trees in Athena and Bobby's backyard. Hen rolls her eyes as he approaches, probably preparing to remind him that he only spoke with her ten minutes ago, but he steels himself against being insulted because she's not who he's interested in this time.
Eddie's laughing at something Chim has just said, his eyes glittering in the fairy lights strung across the awning. His dark jacket contrasts with the sky-blue shirt, and the colour of the shirt only heightens the tan skin that disappears into a line of buttons. Buck's fingers tremble, the desperate urge to touch growing stronger as he approaches, so he shoves his hands in his pockets and tries to wander over as casually as possible.
"Hey, baby bro," Maddie greets him, like she hasn't seen him a dozen times that evening, circling her arm around his waist and tucking under his arm to stare up at him. "How are you?"
Having her against him temporarily dampens the antsy urge to keep moving but he's not sure he's meant to pretend he's okay. He's not sure she'd believe it even if he said as much.
"I can't believe it's nearly the end of the year," he says, toes wiggling in his shoes.
"It's been the end of the year for almost a month," Chim points out but Buck doesn't really care about details like that. It's New Year's Eve. That's the part he cares about.
"We were just talking about New Year resolutions," Hen announces, something like a smirk playing on her lips. "You got any, Buckaroo?"
Buck's eyes drift from her to Chim and to Maddie, who all look at him with something knowing that only adds to the crawling sensation shivering through his veins. Then his gaze lingers on Eddie for a moment longer than strictly necessary before he tries to force himself to remember there are three other people in the group.
"I'm trying to keep my options open this year," he says, dropping a kiss to the top of Maddie's head as she gently squeezes the arm around him.
Being this close to Eddie again, who he's almost studiously avoided all night compared to everyone else, he can feel the buzzing under his skin erupt again. It's spread across his skin, makes him feel charged and alive and sick with nerves, and there's an urge to reach out that he has to forcibly restrain himself from doing because there are other people around and he can't do that. Not yet. He's been reaching out and pulling away from help a lot this year, getting caught in the currents like when the tsunami crashed over him and Chris almost five months ago. He's mostly terrified of the rejection but it's been different lately and he thinks, maybe. Maybe tonight. Maybe with a new year on the horizon, that can change.
Bobby's voice echoes across the backyard, the announcement that there's five minutes until midnight in LA making Maddie squirm from under his arm to grab Chim's hand and scurry inside. Hen fixes him with a look that does nothing to relieve the butterflies that have invaded his stomach and throat and then she's gone too, saying she needs to find Karen.
Which leaves Buck with Eddie.
Buck alone with Eddie.
Buck staring at Eddie.
Buck trying to find words to say to Eddie.
"So." He rocks back onto his heels and then forwards again, fumbling through all his imagined and rehearsed and dreamed scenarios because the nerves are absolutely getting the best of him right now and his tongue seems to be sticking to the roof of his mouth and his heart might just punch a hole through his lungs and ribcage. "So uh- What- What about you? Any, uh, resolutions?"
Eddie shrugs, raising the bottle of beer to his lips to take another sip. Buck tracks the liquid that enters Eddie's mouth, then gets distracted by the curl of Eddie's fingers around the neck of the bottle, and then realises Eddie's eyes are focused entirely on him.
They're intense. And dark. And twist his stomach into knots.
"Not particularly," Eddie says, his tone completely neutral, his response entirely non-committal. Despite all the staring and the body language, Buck can't get a read on what Eddie's thinking and he tries very hard not to pout or bite his lip or wrinkle his nose in protest.
"Did you...um, want to go inside to watch the TV at midnight?" he says and Eddie looks towards the house, swilling the bottle a couple of times before emptying the last of it.
"I mean, we already watched the ball drop in New York three hours ago so this is just a sort of formality, right?" Eddie says and Buck starts to feel the smallest nag of a problem. He dismisses it, sure it's his overactive imagination, determined to deny any warning signs because he's almost certainly overthinking everything. "I'll take off soon anyway. Have to pick up Chris from Abuela's in the morning."
Buck nods, having missed the kid at the party because Chris probably would've been a great person to sit with and soothe all his urgency. Yet he's also selfishly glad Eddie's there without his son because he probably would've left with Chris a while ago and without a fear that Chris could interrupt them then Buck can finally muster the confidence to-
"I- I don't like all the loud noises either so it's not a good idea for me to stay for long," Eddie explains and Buck's eyes snap back to him, realising the difficulty those words would have caused in the past. It momentarily distracts him from the building excitement emanating from the house, the crescendo of chattering. He suspects the five minutes has slipped to two. Maybe less. After spending all night checking the clock, he's running out of time.
He licks his bottom lip, feeling the roughened and raw surface, and tries to swallow past the dryness in his throat. He inches half a step towards Eddie, freeing his hands from his pockets even though his fingers still shake. If he sees Eddie's eyes widen, he doesn't stop long enough to question the reasons why.
"So listen, I've been thinking-"
"Buck-"
It takes him a moment to realise that as he's crept closer to Eddie, Eddie…hasn't actually gotten any closer to him. Every step Buck's taken forward has been matched by Eddie backing up, his hands slightly raised towards his chest in something defensive, something afraid.
And Buck freezes.
There's an excited whoop from inside but it's swallowed by the silent curtain that blankets both of them.
He stares at Eddie, blinking rapidly, as he tries to process something he'd thought and imagined and dreamed with a sick sort of dread before denying it could ever have been possible. There's a wary look in Eddie's eyes, one Buck has seen before when Ali had broached the possibility that he stop being a firefighter after the truck crushed his leg. It's one that makes his heart skip beats for terrible reasons. But he can't fathom why because he'd thought- After all the flirting and touches- After looking after Chris when he was injured- After all the evenings spent drinking beers and trading stories- After the Christmas party last week-
He can't even begin to turn the kaleidoscopic lens to clear the distortion from his vision.
He can't possibly have misread everything?
"Eddie, I'm-"
"No."
Eddie shakes his head and the action makes Buck's heart fall out of his chest. Any words Buck had carefully pieced together for weeks die in his throat as he looks at Eddie, at the way Eddie is shifting restlessly on the spot and his eyes are darting over Buck's shoulder, and he realises he's been wrong.
Someone starts a countdown and it dawns on Buck that he's going to start the new year in tears.
Only they're the despairing kind, not the overwhelmed with happiness and relief kind.
His heart, halfway on its journey from his chest, shatters on the floor in fragments at his feet.
"But I thought-" He hesitates, and Eddie frowns in obvious confusion and Buck realises oh.
Oh.
He was wrong.
He'd been so stupid the whole time.
His previously married best friend is straight.
He could thump his head into a wall and chant idiot until he was hoarse.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
"I'm not-" Eddie's mouth moves around some silent words and Buck looks at the floor, ignoring the burn of his eyes because he can't possibly reveal to Eddie that this is destroying him worse than any sort of vision of this situation he'd conjured during the last few months. "-interested."
And that… Honestly, that's probably worse than just hearing Eddie's not gay. Or bi. Or whatever label he'd want to use for himself that Buck thought existed with all the ways Eddie's looked at him and talked to him but he's been wrong the whole time.
He's a fucking idiot.
"Oh."
It sounds as stupid as he feels but he can't think of anything else to say. The shattered feeling he'd already been struggling with seems to unravel within him when Eddie walks away. The countdown approaches 5 and Eddie's walking away.
He thought he'd be breathless with anticipation and hope and excitement but this… Now he can't breathe for reasons he'd never wanted to consider could even be a possibility.
He finds a dark corner of Bobby's backyard where he can hide behind a tree, where he can be sheltered from view of anyone that might glance into the backyard to see if he got to follow through on his plan, and curls up against the trunk. There are tears already brimming past his eyes, spilling down his cheeks, choking air from his lungs as he drowns in the heartbreak and the stupidity and the realisation that he's not only ruined any chance at a relationship, but he's also exposed his feelings to his best friend and thus utterly annihilated that friendship too.
It's so crushing that the only level of devastating despair that comes close was when he realised he'd lost Christopher among the water.
And this, he thinks, might almost be worse.
~TBC~