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He couldn’t believe it. They had actually made it! They were home! Seven long and exhausting years, in which they had been through hell and back, just to survive and get a little closer to home, every day. And now, it had all suddenly come to an end. After a couple of seconds, so had his happiness over reaching home.
“Mister Chakotay, the helm. Set a course for home.” she’d ordered, just before disappearing into the Ready Room.
He was puzzled at why she had chosen to call him mister, and at why she’d chosen him to take the helm. Was she avoiding him? And if so, what had he done that could’ve triggered her behaviour? He thought about it thoroughly, but couldn’t think of anything that could’ve caused it. Unless…
Crap. She must have found out about him and Seven. But what exactly had she heard?
I have to talk to her, now. He called for ensign Jenkins to take over the helm and nodded at Tuvok to hand over the Bridge to him, before ringing the chime of the doors to the Ready Room.
He heard a soft, agitated sigh before the doors opened. He took a second before walking in to mentally prepare himself for what he knew would likely be a painful conversation. He just hoped with all of his heart that she’d hear him out.
She wouldn’t.
“Commander, if you’ve come here to celebrate, I’m going to have to disappoint you. I was about to go to sickbay to welcome the newest addition to my crew, so I’m going to have to take a rain check.” she spoke quickly, not giving him any chance to speak.
He was overly aware of the fact that she called the crew her crew, so he decided to play it safe. “I was actually just about to ask if you wanted to join me there. B’Elanna is my oldest friend here, after all, and I don’t want to be the last one who gets to congratulate her. So, join me?” he asked, smiling at her to try to diffuse the awkwardness a little.
“Fine, Commander. Let’s go.” she said, passing him quickly and exiting the Ready Room.
Their conversation would have to wait.
As it turned out, it would have to wait for quite some time. After they had been to sickbay to check on B’Elanna and the baby, they were contacted by the Brass, who would keep them busy until well after reaching Earth.
In fact, the first time he knew he might be able get her alone to talk about everything, and as he hoped, more, was at the gala that Starfleet had organized to celebrate their homecoming, well over a week later. He had commed her at her temporary quarters at Starfleet headquarters earlier that week, after the gala invitations had come in, and risked asking her if she’d like for him to come pick her up and go to the gala together. She declined, explaining that her sister and mother would come over that day, and that she would be taking them. He bid her goodnight and ended the call.
He barely slept throughout the week, his mind keeping him wide awake with thoughts of Kathryn and of his own stupidity. It hadn’t even been a week, but he already felt like he was gutted, like a huge and important part of him was missing. He then knew for sure that he couldn’t live without having her by his side every day. He just hoped she would realize the same was true for her, and that she would be willing to hear him out and to forgive him for his idiocy.
It was a moment of madness and utter hopelessness towards any future with Kathryn in which he’d agreed to help Seven out with furthering her social lessons. Her explanation after asking her why she’d chosen him as partner for this had been compelling enough for him to agree to it: he was lonely, and somehow she knew this.
They’d shared only three dates and a couple of kisses before they had suddenly found themselves back in the Alpha quadrant. He hadn’t seen her or spoken to her since, and if he was honest with himself, he knew that he wouldn’t have continued with Seven well before they had found themselves on Earth’s doorstep.
And now that they had actually found themselves there, he didn’t care about anything other than getting Kathryn to talk to him.
Chakotay was sitting at the bar, fingering his glass while trying to calm himself down. He could’ve gotten some strong alcoholic beverage to calm them for him, but he’d wanted to be completely sober for his conversation with Kathryn, so he’d opted for water.
He didn’t know how long he’d been lost in thought when he heard commotion coming from behind him. He swirled around on his barstool to see what was going on. There were too many people gathered around the entrance to be able to make sense of what was happening. But his instincts had told him enough.
The crowd dispersed after quite some time, revealing the backs of three women with interwoven arms: two redheads and an older woman with grey hair.
Kathryn.
She looked absolutely beautiful, and he felt his heart flutter. He got up as fast as he could and started moving towards her, but he was intercepted by Tom, B’Elanna and Harry. For how long they had been talking he didn’t know, as he barely paid attention to what they were saying, his attention shifting towards wherever Kathryn was instead. B’Elanna picked up on it, eyeing him suspiciously, and, after a lapse in the conversation, she dragged her husband and Harry towards the bar, stating that she needed to ‘celebrate the freedom of a night without having to take care of a baby’. She turned around, winked at Chakotay, and mouthed go talk to her while looking at him sternly. He reminded himself to thank her profusely the next time he’d see her.
Freed once more, he moved intently towards Kathryn, who was talking to Reg and the Doctor on the opposite side of the ballroom, still flanked by her mother and sister. He saw her looking around the room, before her eyes landed on his. He saw her blink involuntarily, after which the seemingly happy look on her face changed to one of pain. She broke their eye contact, turned to her sister to speak to her, and then grabbed her arm to pull her along to the hallway.
Damn.
Deciding that he wouldn’t let her go without a fight, he followed the two sisters into the hallway. When he spotted them, they were entering the bathroom.
Double damn.
He silently cursed the Spirits. He knew Kathryn would never talk to him if he’d ambush her by waiting outside the lavatory, so instead he decided to go back into the ballroom and wait. Knowing that Kathryn and her sister would not leave without their mother, who he spotted talking to Brass at the bar, he was willing to take the risk.
After what he estimated to be about 15 minutes, he saw the two sisters re-enter the ballroom. He got up and started walking towards her, but his plans were once again halted when he saw her get hogged by some of the Brass that he saw her mother talk to earlier.
He balled his fist and clenched his jaw in frustration, before turning towards the bar to check on B’Elanna. He spotted her at the music booth, where she and Tom seemed to be talking to the woman responsible for the music this evening. He saw them nodding, and then turning back towards the bar to take a seat.
Smiling at them when Tom kissed her hand, he turned his attention back towards Kathryn. The music changed, and listening to the lyrics he knew it must have been B’Elanna’s doing. He felt his heart breaking all over again as he ended up deep in thought about everything he and Kathryn had been through while the lyrics washed over him.
If you believe in the power of magic,
I can change your mind.
And if you need to believe in someone,
turn and look behind.
”You’re not alone, Kathryn.”
"Three years ago, I didn’t even know your name. Today, I can’t imagine a day without you.”
When we were living in a dream world,
clouds got in the way.
”And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace.”
”Is that really an ancient legend?”
”No, but that made it easier to say.”
We gave it up in a moment of madness,
and threw it all away.
He mentally kicked himself for even thinking he could ever have gotten over Kathryn, and for having hurt her in the process.
Don’t answer me, don’t break the silence,
don’t let me win.
Don’t answer me, stay on your island,
don’t let me in.
When he finally got back to the present, he looked up at Kathryn, only to find her looking back at him. Their eye contact remained, baring their rollercoaster of emotions and pain, as the next lines of the song washed over them.
Run away and hide from everyone.
Can you change the things we’ve said and done?
Oh, how he hoped they could. He saw her close her eyes and frown, by which he knew she was fighting with her own thoughts. When she finally did open her eyes, he saw a wave of calm wash over her. She’d made a decision.
He closed his eyes for what he thought was only a few seconds, silently hoping and praying that her decision would be a positive one for their relationship. He didn’t care what that would entail, as long as she would start talking to him again.
Before he could open his eyes, he felt someone touch his upper arm. Silently cursing whoever it was that was interrupting this moment between him and Kathryn, he opened his eyes, wider than he’d intended to.
Kathryn. He felt his heart leap out of his chest at the sight of her, so close to him.
“Hi.” she said in a bashful manner, smiling at him timidly.
“Hi,” he responded, smiling back at her, gathering his courage before continuing, “We need to talk.”
“We do. There’s a small garden out back. Follow me?” she asked him.
He nodded before following her, thinking to himself that he would follow her to hell if he had to.
They had finally found a quiet spot in the far right corner of the garden, where there was a bench behind some rose bushes.
“How did you know this was out here?” he asked her as they were sitting down.
“My dad would sometimes bring mom, Phoebe and me with him to Starfleet events when I was little, and some of them happened to be in this building. You know how stuffy these events can get, so Phoebe and I would get bored very fast. We would start a game of hide and seek, and one time I stumbled upon this place. I’ve always found it quite beautiful.”
He looked up at her, and being unable to stop himself he blurted out “So are you.”
A blush crept up her cheeks as she turned her head towards the ground. He cursed himself for risking scaring her off. An awkward moment of silence followed. He didn’t quite know how to rescue the conversation, but he decided that he had to explain himself, now, as he didn’t know if he would ever get another chance to. He owed her at least this.
“I’m sorry for not telling you, Kathryn. I should’ve to-“ he was cut off when she put her hand up to stop him. “Honestly, Chakotay, you don’t have to-“ she started.
“No, Kathryn, please let me explain myself. I owe you this much.” She nodded at him then, and so he continued.
“Seven approached me because she needed a partner to practice her social lessons with. She wanted to start practice dating. She told me she knew I was lonely, and thought dinner and a good conversation might make it less so. She could help me out and I could help her. I didn’t think past that, because I was lonely and I didn’t see any harm in helping her, so I agreed. I did need to talk to someone, and you had distanced yourself so far from me that I couldn’t reach you.” He saw a pained look cross her face.
“At that point in time there was no way I could’ve foreseen we would be home so fast. And talking to her over dinner was actually much more enjoyable than I thought it would be. At some point I thought it would be a good idea to try to get over you, and I thought that was also what you were telling me to do when you started pulling away. So when, on our last “date” she kissed me, I didn’t stop her.” He saw her turn her attention to the ground again as he continued talking.
“But, Kathryn, I’ve regretted it every moment since, because all I could think of was you, and of how I’d betrayed you. I then realized I was foolish to think that I could ever get over you. I know that I am an idiot for not thinking it through and hurting you because of it, and I’m so very sorry for it. It was never my intention. And I understand if you can’t trust me anymore.”
He turned his attention towards his feet, afraid of whatever it was that would come next. Then, to his surprise, he felt her hand cover his before she started talking.
“Then we are both idiots. I heard rumours in the hallway, and without asking you about it I took them for truth. I think I didn’t challenge them, because it made it easier to shut you out if I was angry at you. I’d realized I cared far too much for you as a captain, and how could I send you on any mission if I’d admitted to myself how much I love you? It was selfish of me, and I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you like that. I can't believe that it took a song for me to realize how awful I've been to you. So if it’s too late, I understand, but I just wanted you to know what having you by my side all those years meant to me. What you mean to me. I love you, Chakotay, and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.”
Hearing her admission, he smiled at her happily, love pouring from his eyes, as he took her hands in his. Slowly, her look started mirroring his.
“Oh Kathryn,” he sighed, “We are both idiots. But we are idiots who love each other, and who have been through hell and back together. So, are you willing to try aiming for heaven with this idiot this time around? Are you with me?”
“Always.”
They smiled at each other lovingly, just before their lips met.
They later agreed that their aim for heaven had been spot on.