Chapter Text
TUES 17:58 PM
jonathan sims & gdelano message history:
jonathan sims: Gerry.
gdelano: hello to u too
jonathan sims: I need to ask you something.
gdelano: this is so ominous lol
jonathan sims: remember that one time when you said you’d do anything for me? like, you meant it as a joke and you were sloshed out of your mind and i get that but you did say it? did you mean that?
gdelano: uh
gdelano: ...what happened?
jonathan sims: A LOT :(
gdelano: shit jon, are you safe rn??
jonathan sims: yes yes im safe i just need your help with something at work
gdelano: and you couldn’t ask georgie?
jonathan sims: not really uh
gdelano: do you just need me to stand around and look intimidating? if someone said smth shitty to you im def willing to do that
jonathan sims: uhhhhhh
gdelano: ?
jonathan sims: its sort of the opposite really
gdelano: oh you said something shitty
jonathan sims: NO
jonathan sims: well okay like
jonathan sims: kind of
gdelano: ha
jonathan sims: shut up
gdelano: hahahahaha
jonathan sims: shut up shut up shut up
gdelano: why
jonathan sims: LET ME EXPLAIN!
jonathan sims: gerry?
jonathan sims: you there?
gdelano: sorry i had to take a minute. told the dog how stupid u are
jonathan sims: fuck off
gdelano: well? explain then
jonathan sims: okay uhhhhhh
jonathan sims: this is embarrassing
gdelano: im sure
jonathan sims: so i just need your permission to lie about something really. just to make sure
gdelano: and what are u lying abt?
jonathan sims: uhhhhhhhhhh
jonathan sims: right so
jonathan sims: i’ll try to be brief
jonathan sims: so my coworkers are very nice people. not up for debate theyre very pleasant you know? sasha is a great head archivist and shes a good boss and very smart. martin is there. tim is also smart and hes friendly and he thinks hes so much funnier than he actually is. its all great. so great. so anyway! we’re all in the break room right? eating food. thats what people do in breakrooms and we are doing this. completely normal, all four of us, having a conversation. and i wasnt really talking but thats only because i had a sandwich to worry about. no other reason! so tim and martin and sasha are having a conversation and im getting breadcrumbs on myself basically and thats NORMAL. so they start talking about music, martin is giving his little recommendations and theyre NOT GOOD. ive never heard of halsey. and tim says something about one of these artists you couldnt pay me to recognize being gay culture. he says queen princess or whomever is gay culture
jonathan sims: and gerry. gerry it is so important that you know that i am NOT out at work. sweater vest goes on and the pride pins come off and i do a humiliating walk of shame down to the archives every morning. so tim says this and obviously im going to scoff about it because i have taste beyond watered-down pop music for white people and martin and i guess i was louder than i thought because everyone went silent and stared at me
gdelano: this is not brief
jonathan sims: and tim said “what? got a problem with that?” and im an idiot so i assume hes talking about MUSIC TASTE. i raise an eyebrow. sasha is glaring now and martin starts looking at the door and im thinking “wow alright these people have never listened to nine inch nails thats so embarrassing for them” and then tim goes “what?” and i go “not everything obnoxious is gay culture” and then i shut up and dont say any more because my mouth is full of sandwich and i dont talk with my mouth full like some kind of freak. so its silent for a second. and then martin gets up and LEAVES. HE LEAVES THE BREAKROOM.
gdelano: oh my god
jonathan sims: this was YESTERDAY. and i spent all of today getting the evil eye from sasha and tim, who think im homophobic
gdelano: oh my godddd
jonathan sims: and i need to tell them something to change their minds. and if i just come out to them randomly, they might think its a joke. and so i thought “well jon you’ve been with men! youve had plenty of boyfriends (which is to say one. one boyfriend)!” so my idea is that i lie and casually mention i have a boyfriend currently so they realize they misunderstood me and it all goes back to normal
gdelano: and i am that boyfriend
jonathan sims: YES i just wanted your permission before i lied about it and mentioned you. its fine if you say no, you can think about it for as long as you need
gdelano: give me a minute
jonathan sims: of course
gdelano: …
gdelano: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
jonathan sims: :(
gdelano: you’d rather lie your arse off than apologize to someone for being a weird little music elitist LMAOOOO
jonathan sims: >:(
gdelano: this is incredibly funny
gdelano: which is to that say that yes you have my blessing. lie away
jonathan sims: thank god
jonathan sims: and don't worry, you won't have to do anything. i’ll just lie once and everyone will let it blow over
gdelano: sick
gdelano: so
gdelano: which one of my nudes do u want for ur phone background
jonathan sims: gross
WED 8:30 AM
NORMAL PEOPLE FROM THE ARCHIVES message history:
sarchivist: tim, you almost here? martin and i didn’t show up early just to wait around for you
tiiim: no lol
sarchivist: i could have you fired, honestly
tiiim: you wouldnttttt ;)
sarchivist: unfortunately
mkblackwood: maybe sasha couldnt, but a few complaints filed by a coworker might do the trick
tiiim: nooooo
mkblackwood: a few notes to HR, maybe
tiiim: all for little old me?
mkblackwood: lol
tiiim: but srsly thats what you should be doing to jon
sarchivist: ^^
mkblackwood: guys, come on
mkblackwood: honestly we don’t KNOW that he meant it that way!
tiiim: oh i think we do
mkblackwood: maybe he doesnt like my music taste! maybe he thinks something else is gay culture!
sarchivist: martin i would have agreed with you, except for the last bit he said
sarchivist: “not everything obnoxious is gay” i mean, come on! thats hostile, we all felt it. even if hes the type of straight person who doesn't understand why that would be offensive, it doesn’t make it okay.
mkblackwood: idk maybe hes just a dick! we dont know that hes straight!
tiiim: if he wasnt he wouldve realized what he said
tiiim: and he wouldnt have spent a day moping around and not talking to any of us
mkblackwood: i guess
mkblackwood: sucks because i thought he was cute :(
sarchivist: :(
tiiim: tragic
WED 8:59 AM
jonathan sims & georgie! message history:
jonathan sims: georgie, i’ve decided
georgie!: oh thats great!
georgie!: btw what the hell are you talking about?
jonathan sims: i've decided that i'm just going to apologize to martin
jonathan sims: i think the only real way to clear the air is to be honest with him and tell him what i was thinking
georgie!: sure? this sounds good
jonathan sims: i’m still going to lie about the boyfriend thing though
jonathan sims: just in case
georgie!: i see
jonathan sims: thank you georgie, this was very helpful
georgie!: okay i guess
georgie!: still don’t know what's going on
georgie!: man
9:03 AM
georgie! and gdelano messaging history:
georgie!: hey gerry?
gdelano: oh my god i’ve been waiting to tell u what he did its so fucking funny
georgie!: ah