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“I don’t get it. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“It didn’t come up.”
“Hello? We’re not talking about switching to decaf. You and Beth broke up.”
“Dave...”
“I have a twenty year old bottle of Scotch we could’ve drowned your sorrows in.”
“It wasn’t like that. She got an offer to run a major gallery in Hong Kong. She asked my advice. I told her she should accept.”
“So, you encouraged her to spread her wings and fly.”
“My exact words were: ‘I didn’t want her to have any regrets’”
What Aaron Hotchner kept to himself was his own regrets. They were strictly between him and his maker. Denial was his only defence mechanism. It had been since he was a little boy. No, sir. I won’t tell, sir. No, ma’am, I’m a clumsy boy. Earnest expression. Eye contact with others. Eyes on the floor with father. Beating the gay out of his son was his father’s favourite pastime. But, of course, Aaron would deny that. His father was a good man, a pillar of the community.
Dave would never know about Spencer. He’d never know how Aaron lost himself and found himself in the body of a man too wonderful to quantify. No one would ever know. He’d let Beth go easily. Telling Spencer had been the hard part. He denied seeing the glimmer of hope in the young man’s eyes that flickered as quickly as it was kindled when Aaron continued with the reasons they couldn’t be “together”. Spencer had nodded at Aaron’s earnest expression. Aaron maintained his unwavering eye contact until he dropped to his knees and fumbled with Spencer’s belt.
“So what’s your social life been like in the meantime?”
“I don’t really have any time to meet anyone. We’re kinda busy here.”
“Well, what about online dating?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, bad idea.”
Hayley might have guessed. Might have. But Aaron would deny that she ever really knew and he denied to everyone who asked that they were anything other than happy, right until he was having to tell them that she’d walked out the door. They were childhood sweethearts and he’d never loved anyone else. He denied to himself the fact that, perhaps, he had never loved anyone. He denied that, perhaps, he loved Spencer.
And so he’d agreed to go to a jazz club with Dave. He told Spencer, of course. As he shuddered with the last shivers of orgasm and Spencer slipped from his body. Spencer understood. They couldn’t be together publicly with their jobs and being openly gay, well, his father would be turning in his grave. Spencer said he understood and Aaron stood, dressing quickly, so that he’d meet Dave at the club on time. He denied seeing Spencer curl in on himself on the bed. He denied his desire to stay there with him, to hold him.
“This is my friend Audrey Hansen.”
Same initials. Audrey and Aaron up a tree...
Flirting was easier in the dark after his second glass of Scotch. Easier and harder. Earnest expression. Eye contact. He’d never known what to do with his hands so he toyed with his glass. He smiled softly and she leaned towards him. He’d go on a date with her. Dave would be happy. Spencer would understand. And Aaron, well, Aaron would deny that he was hurting anyone. Deny he was hurting himself. “No, sir... yes, ma’am... I always was a clumsy child... childhood sweethearts... never loved anyone else... yes, ma’am, we were happy...”